*Olivia Harper*

It had been a week since Harry had even looked at me, let alone talk to me. I’d mustered up the courage to call him, and the first time, he’d cut the call. But I called again, and the second time, he simply ignored my call. The third time, it went straight to voicemail.

I’d never felt so alone in my life. I went to school and spent time with Niall and the rest of the boys, but somehow, when I was with them, Harry made sure he wasn’t. He was avoiding me, and it hurt to know that he’d do anything—even stop spending time with his friends—to get away from me. I knew it was my own doing, though.

I didn’t understand why or how it was even possible for him to feel that way. What had I done, besides cry on his shoulder and show him the mess I really was to make him love me like that? What could he possibly see in me?

Well, I’d know if he’d talk to me. And he’d made it very clear that talking to me or being around me was something he was going to avoid at any cost.

I knew I shouldn’t have yelled at him. After all, he was right. How on earth were you supposed to control the way you feel? I, for sure, didn’t have the answer to that. I’d never felt like that, and I had a gut feeling I never would. I pushed people away, didn’t I? Or maybe I’d already felt that way, and I didn’t know.

In the long list of guys I’d been with, counting the ones I’d just slept with, there wasn’t even one time where I felt like I could depend on them the way I did on Harry. My relationship with Dylan had lasted longer than I’d anticipated, but it was nothing compared to what Harry had made me feel. And the strange part was that Harry and I had never been in a relationship to begin with. But within the course of a few months, Harry had made me feel better than Dylan could ever manage in the one and a half years we’d been together.

Harry drove me insane. It wasn’t just the physical things he was good at, and boy, was he good at those. The way his lips felt against mine, my skin, the way his arms wrapped tightly around me, the way his fingers dug into my skin, his hot breath washing over my ear and skin.

But it was also the way he treated me. I’d never felt used or disgusted with myself when I was with him, and before Harry came around, I’d felt like that a lot of times. I was good at hiding it, and no one had really bothered to know what was going on with me before him. They didn’t care, not even Dylan. In fact, if Dylan and I fought, which happened rarely, but it did, he’d call me out on everything I was insecure about, because somehow he knew. But Harry had never done that.

Harry cared. I didn’t think anyone would, but he did. He cared about me, and he cared if I was sad or depressed. Lexi knew about my mum and her death anniversary, but she never, not once showed up to see how I was doing. I’d get a text from her, something along the lines of “hope you’re okay”, but Harry had gone ahead and showed up and comforted me when no one really bothered. He did all of that, despite our fight and the way I’d spoken to him. I’d asked him to go, and he’d come back.

I thought back to the day when he’d come over, and when we’d kissed. Of course, the usual followed after, but the whole thing was a lot different than what we usually did. There was something gentler, something more loving about the way he’d held me, the way he’d made me feel that day. It was something I needed, and I didn’t even know it till it was happening. The urgency and desperation was still there, but there was also some sort of tenderness no one had ever showed me.

There were a lot of things Harry had said and done that no one had ever said or done to me before. And now I’d lost the only thing that was good in my life, the only one who was even worth waking up in the morning and face the day.

I think there’s someone for everyone out there. There’s the person who you think is right for you, and then…then there’s the person who is actually right for you. You’ll find them eventually, when you’re done with all the false alarms first. And when you do find that person…it’s unlike any other feeling.

At that time, when Harry had said it, it sounded cheesy and unrealistic. But as I lay on my bed, all alone, I couldn’t help but think that in some sense, he was absolutely right.

---

Quite unexpectedly, my phone rang and I wondered who it was. I picked it up slowly, hoping it was Harry on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Liv,” a familiar, happy voice sounded from the other end. It had been a while since I’d heard it, and I smiled despite myself.

“Hey, Nialler,” I said, rolling over onto my front.

“I haven’t talked to you in a while,” he says. “How’s it going?”

I wondered if Niall knew about Harry and me, and everything that had happened. They were best friends. Surely Harry had told him. I decided to avoid the topic anyway, because the last thing I wanted to talk about was how big of an idiot I was.

“Uh, you know, the usual,” I said carefully. “How about you?”

“Well, there’s house party at Connor’s,” he said. “Did you get the invite to that?”

I had, in fact, gotten a Facebook invite for Connor’s house party. A party was the last place I wanted to go to, so I’d ignored the invitation completely.

“I did.” I told him.

“Well, then, let me pick you up in fifteen.” Niall offered.

I hesitated. “Niall, I…”

He sighed on the other end. “Liv, I know,” he said. “What happened with you and Harry…”

“You do?” I asked, but I wasn’t surprised. Of course he did.

“I know you’re upset, and so is he.” He said.

“How upset is he?” I asked him. I didn’t even think Harry was familiar with sadness, and I was worried, especially because I was the one who’d made him uncharacteristically sad in the first place.

“He’s…he’s pretty messed up, Liv.” Niall said. “I won’t lie to you. He doesn’t say it, and he tries now to show it, but he thinks about you all the time. Every day.”

The ache in my heart, that was constant now, increased with Niall’s words, and I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth to stop myself from crying. I took deep breaths, unsure of what to say.

“But I didn’t call you because of that.” Niall said. “I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, what with your mother’s death anniversary and then what happened with Harry…so, how about you come for that party?”

“Niall—”

“Oh, come on, Liv,” he said. “It’ll help you take your mind off things, just for a bit. Besides, hasn’t it been a while since you’ve been to a good party?”

Niall was right. It had been a while since I’d gone out and had fun. Lately, I’d spent so much time crying and missing people that I hadn’t had time for myself.

“Okay.” I said. “Pick me up in fifteen.”

---

“I forgot just how much you drink,” Niall laughed as he watched me empty the red cup in one go. I giggled, and held the empty cup out to him.

“Let’s get another one,” I said, my head buzzing.

He laughed and shook his head. “I think you should slow down.”

“Oh blah, blah,” I mumbled and pulled him behind me. “Live a little.”

“I’m living,” he insisted, following me to where the alcohol was. “I just think ‘living’ wouldn’t be as fun if you threw up all over your clothes and blacked out.”

“I can handle my alcohol, mother,” I said. “Come on.”

So we drank. Niall drank considerably less than I did, and I knew he was just making sure he was sober enough to take care of me at the end of the night. But the thought made me sad, when I remembered that that’s exactly what Harry used to do, when he didn’t have to. Niall didn’t have to either, but he was doing it anyway. That’s how it was with Harry, and as I finished my umpteenth cup, I thought about the curly haired boy more and more, and it made me sadder. Niall noticed the fundamental shift in my behaviour, but didn’t call me out on it for a while. I drank more and more, hoping to down any thoughts of Harry with the alcohol I was consuming, but the more I drank, the more I thought about him.

I looked over at Niall, but suddenly, he wasn’t there. I looked around the room and found him talking to a few boys, all of them drinking and laughing. I frowned and walked up to them.

“Hi,” I slurred.

All four boys, including Niall, turned to look at me. The other three grinned when they saw me in my drunken state, but Niall didn’t look anything sort of worried.

“God, how much did you drink?” he asked me, and I staggered into him. He caught me quickly, but chuckled. “Never mind.”

“You’re Olivia Harper, aren’t you?” One of the boys asked me.

“Mhmmm,” I nodded.

“I don’t see your boyfriend around here,” he said, taking a small step towards me.

“Which one?” I giggled.

“The one with curly hair?” he said. “Harry Styles?”

“Oh.” I frowned. Hearing his name sent a pang of longing shooting through me, but I tried to ignore it. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Really?” he asked, seeming genuinely surprised. “I saw you guys at a few parties. Looked like you were together…”

“You were wrong,” I snapped at him, sounding bitterer than I had intended to.

But the boy only smirked, clearly not bothered by my rudeness. “I can see I was,” he said. “Well, I figured as much when I saw him hooking up with that short red head from my Economics class last night. What’s her name? Molly, I think…”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks, and I took a step back as if they’d actually pushed me. Niall looked at me immediately, and I knew he was a second away from taking my hand and leading me away from these boys. But before he could do anything like that, I spoke.

“What?” I asked, and the news was so much to take in that it momentarily cleared a tiny space in my mind. “He…”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Saw them at that pub, didn’t we? He was taking her hand and leading her to the washroom. They seemed quite excited. Didn’t see them for a long time.”

I felt like I was going to be sick, but it wasn’t just because of the alcohol anymore. Tears stung sharply at the back of my eyes as I thought about Harry hooking up with someone random, moving on so quickly.

Moving on from what, though? I had no right to wonder or be upset. I’d caused all of this, and this was my own fault. Still, the thought pained me so much it was unbearable.

“Well, anyway,” the boy said. “I was clearly wrong. How about a dance?”

But his words didn’t even registered, as I backed away from him, my mind full of the news I’d just heard. As if from a great distance, I heard the boy ask what was wrong, and Niall take my name, but none of that registered as I hurried away.

I flung the door of an empty bedroom open and shut it behind me, locking it. I’d seen Molly in school a few times, and the disgusting image of Harry kissing her and touching her in way that was so familiar to me burnt my mind. I pressed either side of my head with the heels of my palm, tears sliding down my cheeks as I took long, unsteady breaths. My head hurt with an intensity that made it hard to breathe. My knees were shaking and they finally gave up, and I slid to the floor, still holding my head and feeling like I was falling apart bit by bit, slowly and painfully.

A knock on the door startled me. I knew it was Niall, and for the first minute, I ignored him.

“Liv,” he yelled over the loud music. “Liv, it’s just me. Niall. Open the door, let me in.”

I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see. The room was spinning and my mouth felt dry as the ache in my head soared, and I shuddered as I fought to keep myself together.

“Liv, please let me in,” he said. “Come on.”

Somehow, I found the strength to get up shakily and open the door. The moment I did, I fell into Niall’s arms. I wasn’t crying or sobbing anymore, but I was shaking so violently that it scared him.

“Shit,” he cursed, hugging me back. “God, Liv, it’s okay. It’s fine, just calm down. Liv…”

He led me inside and shut the door behind him, locking it. He led me to the bed, and made me sit down. He knelt before me and grasped my shoulders firmly.

“Olivia,” he said, “look at me. Olivia, calm down.”

I took deep breaths and held onto the front of Niall’s shirt as I tried to do as he said. There was a sharp pain in my stomach and I knew I was going to be sick. Niall immediately understood when he saw my hand fly to my mouth.

He pulled me into the bathroom and held my hair as I threw up into the toilet bowl. He stroked my back and bunched my hair behind me and I emptied the contents of my stomach for what seemed like a long, long time.

When I was finally done, he waited patiently as I rinsed my mouth, and brought me some water. I gulped it down and ran my hand over my sweaty face. Niall sat down next to me and for a while, we remained quiet as I tried to return to normal.

“Liv,” he said after a while. “It’s not what you think.”

“Harry hooked up with someone.” I said. “That guy saw it. Niall, it’s exactly what I think.”

“He could be wrong—”

“Yeah, he could.” I said. “But either way, Niall, why should I care? Why do I care?”

“We both know why.” He said.

“No,” I shook my head. “It’s not that. I know it.”

Niall sighed. “Liv,” he said, “why don’t you admit that it’s exactly that? What’s the point of denying it? I clearly saw how upset this news made you. You know it too.”

“It can’t be,” I said, but I was trying more to convince myself rather than Niall.

“Why?” he asked. “Why can’t it be? Are you scared he’s not as serious about this? Are you scared he won’t love you?”

“I—”

“Because he will,” Niall assured me. “He already does. I’ve never seen him this upset, Liv. Trust me. He’s been dumped before, and he’s been sad about it, but it’s nothing compared to what he’s like now. He doesn’t eat, and I doubt he gets any sleep. He doesn’t talk much, he doesn’t smile as much. He’s so in love with you, Liv, it’s crazy.”

“Then why did he—”

“Maybe it’s his way of trying to move on, who knows?” Niall asked. “He thinks you don’t feel the same way, so he’s trying to get over it. But you do. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” I said, defeated. The thought had been floating through my mind for a while now, a constant nag, and though deep down I knew the answer, I wanted to pretend like I didn’t. It scared me.

“Yeah, you do.” Niall insisted.

“I…I can’t stop thinking about him, Niall.” I admitted finally. “It’s so hard.”

“I know it is.” Niall assured me, squeezing my knee.

“He hates me,” I said. “I know he does. I tried calling him, I texted him, but he—”

“He took it pretty hard,” Niall said. “It’s nothing else. He could never hate you. I’ve seen that boy around you, Liv. It’s impossible. He wants space. He’s giving you space. He thinks he’s put you in some sort of difficult position and it’s his fault.”

“It’s not,” I said. “It’s mine. I screwed it up.”

“You didn’t screw anything up.” Niall promised me. “You still have time to tell him how you feel.”

“I don’t—”

“Yeah, you do.” he insisted. “Don’t run from it.”

“What if he leaves?” I voiced my fear. “Just like everyone else—”

“He won’t.” Niall said, and he sounded very sure. “Give him a chance. Hasn’t he stayed through everything already?”

“He has.” I said.

Niall smiled and nodded. “And he’ll do the same till you want him to.” Niall promised me. “Till you tell him to leave, he’s going to stay. But you won’t tell him to leave you, will you? Because you love him.”

“I…” The answer buried deep inside, the answer that was always there, even when I hadn’t realized bubbled up suddenly, and travelled to the tip of my tongue. In that moment, I realized that I’d known. I’d always known, but I was too stubborn and scared to admit what I’d always known, what had always held true. This curly haired, green eyed boy had managed to crash through every confine around my heart and take his own place there, and no matter how much I ran from him, from what I felt, he’d catch up with me. There was no escaping him.

“I do.” I breathed finally, and the moment the words were out, a heavy weight seemed to disappear from my shoulders. “I love him.”

Notes

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