The Deal
Chapter Twenty Three.
*Olivia Harper*
I felt the shock of his words go through me, and my entire body froze. I didn’t know what my expression was, but I was sure it wasn’t something positive. I could only stare at him, unable to move and unable to reply. I was still in his arms, still so close to him that I could simply reach up and kiss him again.
I did nothing like that.
Harry looked on at me, awaiting a response. I had none. My mind was whirling and my stomach was falling, and I was looking at him now without really seeing. I had the sudden urge to get away from him.
“You’re…what?” I asked, finally, somehow bringing myself to be able to talk.
“I love you,” he said, and this time, he sounded firmer. His words sent shock waves through every inch of my body again. “I always have, but initially, it was as just a friend. But it’s not like that anymore, Harper. I love you, I’m in love with you. And there’s nothing I can do to change the way I feel. It’s just…there it is.”
“Harry—” I started, but broke off. What was I going to reply to that? What could I say. I didn’t love him, I didn’t feel the same way! Finally, I settled on a question. “Why?”
“What do you mean why?” he asked me. “Are you asking me why I love you?”
“No,” I said, and for some bizarre reason, tears were now stinging the back of my eyes. I had a frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach, something telling me that I was about to lose him within a few moments. “Why are you doing this?”
“I don’t—”
“We had a deal!” I said loudly, pushing at him. Immediately, he staggered backwards, letting go of me. I felt cold the moment his body stopped pressing my own, but my anger was too overwhelming for me to care. “We decided—we started with—”
“I know,” he said. “I know we did, Olivia, but I can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can!” I screamed. “God, Harry, you ruined everything. Why can’t you just let things be? You broke every promise we ever made—”
“So did you!” he argued. “‘Strictly sex’? What about all the times you cried on my shoulder and opened up to me? The things you told me about your mum, your dad, about Dylan—”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t do it because I was in love with you, Harry!” I snapped. “I did because—because you’re my friend—”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “Olivia, we were not supposed to do anything but have sex, we weren’t supposed to be friends, you said it yourself—”
“Yeah, well, you weren’t supposed to fall for me either!”
“Well, I did, okay?” he said, his voice louder now. “I fell for you, and there’s nothing you and I can do about it.
And you know what? Even if I could prevent it, even if I could change the way I feel, I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t change this for anything, Olivia. I love you, and that’s just the way it is.”
“Stop it!” I said. “God, just stop—we can’t do it, Harry. I can’t—”
“Why not?” he asked me and his tone was soft now, his voice shaking. He didn’t sound angry anymore, just sad and hurt. I’d never heard him or seen him like this, and I felt guilty despite my anger. “Why can’t we, Olivia? What are you so scared of?”
I looked away from him, to see that we were gently being lowered down to the ground. The pace was too slow, and I knew it would it take a good while before we were back down again. I wanted it to be quick, I wanted to leave. But when I looked back at Harry, another wave of guilt hit me. He looked slightly desperate for my answer, his bright and characteristically happy green eyes were dull and sad, and we both knew my final answer would not be what he wanted it to be.
“I’m not scared.” I said.
“You are,” he said. “For some reason, you won’t admit that you—”
“That I what?” I asked. “That I love you? I don’t.”
The last two words hung in the air that was thick with tension. I wanted to take them back, they were too harsh. But I couldn’t.
“Don’t say that,” he pleaded. “Harper, don’t be so damn negative. We can do this—”
“We can’t.” I said. “And I won’t even try. I don’t love you, Harry. And it’s best if you just try to get over me because I’ll never—it’ll never happen.”
He stood there for a few more seconds, and they were the slowest of my life. He seemed to deflate slightly as all hope and energy left him, and he looked away from me. Just before he did though, I wondered if it was moisture that I’d seen in his eyes. Before I could figure out, though, he’d turned away from me. I wanted to get away at the same time that I wanted to go up to him and wrap my arms around him. I’d never seen Harry sad, not once. Usually, he was the happy and cheery one, trying to make me laugh and taking care of me. I’d never seen him this cold or distant, and I’d never seen him this miserable. It was heartbreaking, but I did nothing about it.
He stood with his back to me for a long time, and I stood behind him, looking at his tense posture. I was waiting for him to say something, anything. His silence was killing me, but I knew it was my own doing.
“Harry,” I said finally, raising my hand slightly to touch his shoulder. I stopped my hand halfway, though, and then dropped it. Then, lightly, I added, “Oi, Styles. Say something, please.”
Slowly, he turned. His eyes were dry, but his expression silenced me absolutely. His face was blank but there was something cold in the way his green eyes looked at me now. It made my stomach fall, and I wanted to look away. Harry had never looked at me like this before.
“Fine,” he said, his voice quiet, devoid of any emotion. “If that’s how you feel…I mean, I can’t force you. I won’t.”
“Harry…”
“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I was thinking. I had this stupid idea that maybe you’d feel the same way, maybe we could—” his voice trembled for a tiny second and he broke off. Then he took a deep breath and continued, with the same emotionless face and voice, “But I was wrong. And I’m sorry for that, okay? It’s not fair for me to put you in that position.”
“Don’t say sorry—”
“Just…just finish your food.” He said. “I’ll cancel the rest of the—we’re almost down anyway—”
He turned away from me again, and fished his phone out of his pocket. I looked at the table, where our food was lying on our plates, half eaten. All my hunger had vanished now, and just looking at food made me sick. He was mumbling something softly into the phone, but I didn’t listen in. I slumped into the seat and stared out of the window as we descended down slowly. Tears burned my eyes and I let them fall. There was no point in trying to stop them.
It seemed to take hours for us to reach down, but we finally did. The whole time, Harry stood at the window, not saying a word and not looking at me. I wanted so badly to get up and take him by the shoulders and shake him and scream at him to forget about it and move on, or to at least talk to me.
The doors opened and we got off. Harry nodded politely at the ticket lady who’d let us in, and led me away from the wheel. I felt sick to my stomach, and blinded by my own tears. I kept looking at Harry, hoping for a sign that he was looking at me too, but he was way ahead of me now, only his back to me.
He led me to his car, and I silently wondered what ‘other things’ he had planned. Were they all supposed to lead up to this?
I felt terrible. I’d ruined his night—our night. I’d ruined everything. I always did.
He still held the car door open for me, and I paused to search his face. He was looking down, not looking up at me, and I finally decided to get in. He rounded the car and got in himself, starting it silently, without a glance in my direction, without a cheeky remark, without a smile.
The car ride was painfully silent as well, and I had to stop myself from physically making him stop the car and force him to talk to me. Time seemed to have stretched on in some sort of torturous and excruciating way. It seemed like the ride would never end, and half of me wanted it to be that way. Maybe then I’d finally force myself to talk to him, force him to talk to me.
But we reached. We reached home, and Harry stopped the car, waiting for to get out.
“Harry…” I managed to choke out. “Look, just—”
“I can’t.” he cut across me. “I can’t do this anymore, okay?”
“Do what?” I asked him.
“This…this thing, I—” he stuttered. “I can’t have sex with you and pretend as if it doesn’t mean anything anymore. This has to stop.”
“Please don’t do that.” I begged him. My head was screaming with denial. Harry couldn’t to this. He was all I had.
“Harry, I—”
“I can’t, Olivia.” He said again. “It’s too hard for me. Even being around you—”
“Harry—”
“Lexi was right.” He said. “Everyone was right. I should have known, I should have listened. They told me you’d hurt me, and I called them stupid. And you did just that. I was so stupid.”
The words hurt me more than they should have, and I couldn’t believe it was Harry who was saying them. It seemed like all the reassuring words he’d ever said to me before this hadn’t been said at all.
“You promised you wouldn’t leave,” I said, my voice thick with tears. “Harry, you promised—”
“I think you should leave,” he said quietly. “Please, Harper. You need to—I can’t—”
I choked back a sob and wrenched the car door open, hurrying out. I stopped and looked back, but Harry was already driving away without a second glance in my direction.
---
*Harry Styles*
I stormed into my bedroom, shutting it loudly behind me. I knew mum and Gemma would wonder what was going on, they’d come upstairs. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything at that moment.
I’d never felt so stupid in my entire life. Really, what was I thinking? I knew it would turn out to be this way, I’d
figured as much. Then why had I gone ahead and told her? She’d never love me. She said so herself. The words came out of her mouth.
I don’t love you, Harry.
I didn’t know if she’d intended for those words to hurt, but they’d done their damage. The moment the words left her mouth, they’d ripped my heart out of my chest and walked all over it. Just like Lexi had told me Olivia would. They’d all been right, and I hadn’t listened.
I groaned and tugged at my hair forcefully, my face in my hands. I gritted my teeth, unable to believe that I was crying. Over some girl.
But Olivia was not just ‘some girl’. She’d always been more than that, even when I hadn’t realized it. She’d always meant more than just a friend, more than just an easy fuck. And it hurt me because I now realized that I hadn’t been anything more than that for her. She’d kept her part of the deal. She’d never loved me, and it was ludicrous how I believed that she ever could. I was dumb to believe that she and I could ever be anything more. All the crying and sharing secrets and whatnot had led me to believe that she needed me. But she didn’t.
But I needed her. Because I was absolutely in love with her, and the more I thought about it, about her, the more I fell. This feeling would not go away like she wanted it to. I knew she wanted me to simply forget and move on, to continue what we were doing, but that would never happen. I couldn’t be with her in the way she wanted us to and pretend I didn’t want it to be the other way.
I’d never fallen this hard for a girl before, and I’d certainly never taken rejection this hard. Maybe I was over reacting but at that moment, the only thing I could think of was how much I loved her, and how she didn’t feel the same way.
How she would never feel the same way.
I felt the shock of his words go through me, and my entire body froze. I didn’t know what my expression was, but I was sure it wasn’t something positive. I could only stare at him, unable to move and unable to reply. I was still in his arms, still so close to him that I could simply reach up and kiss him again.
I did nothing like that.
Harry looked on at me, awaiting a response. I had none. My mind was whirling and my stomach was falling, and I was looking at him now without really seeing. I had the sudden urge to get away from him.
“You’re…what?” I asked, finally, somehow bringing myself to be able to talk.
“I love you,” he said, and this time, he sounded firmer. His words sent shock waves through every inch of my body again. “I always have, but initially, it was as just a friend. But it’s not like that anymore, Harper. I love you, I’m in love with you. And there’s nothing I can do to change the way I feel. It’s just…there it is.”
“Harry—” I started, but broke off. What was I going to reply to that? What could I say. I didn’t love him, I didn’t feel the same way! Finally, I settled on a question. “Why?”
“What do you mean why?” he asked me. “Are you asking me why I love you?”
“No,” I said, and for some bizarre reason, tears were now stinging the back of my eyes. I had a frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach, something telling me that I was about to lose him within a few moments. “Why are you doing this?”
“I don’t—”
“We had a deal!” I said loudly, pushing at him. Immediately, he staggered backwards, letting go of me. I felt cold the moment his body stopped pressing my own, but my anger was too overwhelming for me to care. “We decided—we started with—”
“I know,” he said. “I know we did, Olivia, but I can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can!” I screamed. “God, Harry, you ruined everything. Why can’t you just let things be? You broke every promise we ever made—”
“So did you!” he argued. “‘Strictly sex’? What about all the times you cried on my shoulder and opened up to me? The things you told me about your mum, your dad, about Dylan—”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t do it because I was in love with you, Harry!” I snapped. “I did because—because you’re my friend—”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “Olivia, we were not supposed to do anything but have sex, we weren’t supposed to be friends, you said it yourself—”
“Yeah, well, you weren’t supposed to fall for me either!”
“Well, I did, okay?” he said, his voice louder now. “I fell for you, and there’s nothing you and I can do about it.
And you know what? Even if I could prevent it, even if I could change the way I feel, I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t change this for anything, Olivia. I love you, and that’s just the way it is.”
“Stop it!” I said. “God, just stop—we can’t do it, Harry. I can’t—”
“Why not?” he asked me and his tone was soft now, his voice shaking. He didn’t sound angry anymore, just sad and hurt. I’d never heard him or seen him like this, and I felt guilty despite my anger. “Why can’t we, Olivia? What are you so scared of?”
I looked away from him, to see that we were gently being lowered down to the ground. The pace was too slow, and I knew it would it take a good while before we were back down again. I wanted it to be quick, I wanted to leave. But when I looked back at Harry, another wave of guilt hit me. He looked slightly desperate for my answer, his bright and characteristically happy green eyes were dull and sad, and we both knew my final answer would not be what he wanted it to be.
“I’m not scared.” I said.
“You are,” he said. “For some reason, you won’t admit that you—”
“That I what?” I asked. “That I love you? I don’t.”
The last two words hung in the air that was thick with tension. I wanted to take them back, they were too harsh. But I couldn’t.
“Don’t say that,” he pleaded. “Harper, don’t be so damn negative. We can do this—”
“We can’t.” I said. “And I won’t even try. I don’t love you, Harry. And it’s best if you just try to get over me because I’ll never—it’ll never happen.”
He stood there for a few more seconds, and they were the slowest of my life. He seemed to deflate slightly as all hope and energy left him, and he looked away from me. Just before he did though, I wondered if it was moisture that I’d seen in his eyes. Before I could figure out, though, he’d turned away from me. I wanted to get away at the same time that I wanted to go up to him and wrap my arms around him. I’d never seen Harry sad, not once. Usually, he was the happy and cheery one, trying to make me laugh and taking care of me. I’d never seen him this cold or distant, and I’d never seen him this miserable. It was heartbreaking, but I did nothing about it.
He stood with his back to me for a long time, and I stood behind him, looking at his tense posture. I was waiting for him to say something, anything. His silence was killing me, but I knew it was my own doing.
“Harry,” I said finally, raising my hand slightly to touch his shoulder. I stopped my hand halfway, though, and then dropped it. Then, lightly, I added, “Oi, Styles. Say something, please.”
Slowly, he turned. His eyes were dry, but his expression silenced me absolutely. His face was blank but there was something cold in the way his green eyes looked at me now. It made my stomach fall, and I wanted to look away. Harry had never looked at me like this before.
“Fine,” he said, his voice quiet, devoid of any emotion. “If that’s how you feel…I mean, I can’t force you. I won’t.”
“Harry…”
“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I was thinking. I had this stupid idea that maybe you’d feel the same way, maybe we could—” his voice trembled for a tiny second and he broke off. Then he took a deep breath and continued, with the same emotionless face and voice, “But I was wrong. And I’m sorry for that, okay? It’s not fair for me to put you in that position.”
“Don’t say sorry—”
“Just…just finish your food.” He said. “I’ll cancel the rest of the—we’re almost down anyway—”
He turned away from me again, and fished his phone out of his pocket. I looked at the table, where our food was lying on our plates, half eaten. All my hunger had vanished now, and just looking at food made me sick. He was mumbling something softly into the phone, but I didn’t listen in. I slumped into the seat and stared out of the window as we descended down slowly. Tears burned my eyes and I let them fall. There was no point in trying to stop them.
It seemed to take hours for us to reach down, but we finally did. The whole time, Harry stood at the window, not saying a word and not looking at me. I wanted so badly to get up and take him by the shoulders and shake him and scream at him to forget about it and move on, or to at least talk to me.
The doors opened and we got off. Harry nodded politely at the ticket lady who’d let us in, and led me away from the wheel. I felt sick to my stomach, and blinded by my own tears. I kept looking at Harry, hoping for a sign that he was looking at me too, but he was way ahead of me now, only his back to me.
He led me to his car, and I silently wondered what ‘other things’ he had planned. Were they all supposed to lead up to this?
I felt terrible. I’d ruined his night—our night. I’d ruined everything. I always did.
He still held the car door open for me, and I paused to search his face. He was looking down, not looking up at me, and I finally decided to get in. He rounded the car and got in himself, starting it silently, without a glance in my direction, without a cheeky remark, without a smile.
The car ride was painfully silent as well, and I had to stop myself from physically making him stop the car and force him to talk to me. Time seemed to have stretched on in some sort of torturous and excruciating way. It seemed like the ride would never end, and half of me wanted it to be that way. Maybe then I’d finally force myself to talk to him, force him to talk to me.
But we reached. We reached home, and Harry stopped the car, waiting for to get out.
“Harry…” I managed to choke out. “Look, just—”
“I can’t.” he cut across me. “I can’t do this anymore, okay?”
“Do what?” I asked him.
“This…this thing, I—” he stuttered. “I can’t have sex with you and pretend as if it doesn’t mean anything anymore. This has to stop.”
“Please don’t do that.” I begged him. My head was screaming with denial. Harry couldn’t to this. He was all I had.
“Harry, I—”
“I can’t, Olivia.” He said again. “It’s too hard for me. Even being around you—”
“Harry—”
“Lexi was right.” He said. “Everyone was right. I should have known, I should have listened. They told me you’d hurt me, and I called them stupid. And you did just that. I was so stupid.”
The words hurt me more than they should have, and I couldn’t believe it was Harry who was saying them. It seemed like all the reassuring words he’d ever said to me before this hadn’t been said at all.
“You promised you wouldn’t leave,” I said, my voice thick with tears. “Harry, you promised—”
“I think you should leave,” he said quietly. “Please, Harper. You need to—I can’t—”
I choked back a sob and wrenched the car door open, hurrying out. I stopped and looked back, but Harry was already driving away without a second glance in my direction.
---
*Harry Styles*
I stormed into my bedroom, shutting it loudly behind me. I knew mum and Gemma would wonder what was going on, they’d come upstairs. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything at that moment.
I’d never felt so stupid in my entire life. Really, what was I thinking? I knew it would turn out to be this way, I’d
figured as much. Then why had I gone ahead and told her? She’d never love me. She said so herself. The words came out of her mouth.
I don’t love you, Harry.
I didn’t know if she’d intended for those words to hurt, but they’d done their damage. The moment the words left her mouth, they’d ripped my heart out of my chest and walked all over it. Just like Lexi had told me Olivia would. They’d all been right, and I hadn’t listened.
I groaned and tugged at my hair forcefully, my face in my hands. I gritted my teeth, unable to believe that I was crying. Over some girl.
But Olivia was not just ‘some girl’. She’d always been more than that, even when I hadn’t realized it. She’d always meant more than just a friend, more than just an easy fuck. And it hurt me because I now realized that I hadn’t been anything more than that for her. She’d kept her part of the deal. She’d never loved me, and it was ludicrous how I believed that she ever could. I was dumb to believe that she and I could ever be anything more. All the crying and sharing secrets and whatnot had led me to believe that she needed me. But she didn’t.
But I needed her. Because I was absolutely in love with her, and the more I thought about it, about her, the more I fell. This feeling would not go away like she wanted it to. I knew she wanted me to simply forget and move on, to continue what we were doing, but that would never happen. I couldn’t be with her in the way she wanted us to and pretend I didn’t want it to be the other way.
I’d never fallen this hard for a girl before, and I’d certainly never taken rejection this hard. Maybe I was over reacting but at that moment, the only thing I could think of was how much I loved her, and how she didn’t feel the same way.
How she would never feel the same way.
fuckin shit! i feel like lexi is going to turn her back on her.
6/3/16