The Deal
Chapter Twenty Five.
*Harry Styles*
“You’ve got to stop,” Louis said with a sigh. He was currently sitting next to me as we sat in the dingy bar, downing beers.
“Stop drinking?” I asked him, my words beginning to slur. “No.”
“I mean,” he said, “you’ve got to stop sulking. You’ve got to stop feeling bad.”
I knew exactly what he was saying, exactly what he thought I felt ‘bad’ about. ‘Bad’ didn’t even cover the way I felt. I’d do anything to stop thinking about Olivia, and it seemed impossible to do. Everything that had happened between us from the very beginning till the Ferris Wheel episode was constantly playing in my head, and sometimes the longing was so intense that it made me sick. Thoughts of her consumed me completely, eating away at my insides. I was miserable without her, but at the same time, I was angry.
I was beyond angry, to be honest. What was she running away from? Why was she so scared? Why wouldn’t she just give me a chance to show her I could treat her the way she deserves to be treated? The face that I was sitting and pining for a girl who would probably never be mine filled my heart with a sadness that made it hard for me to breathe. I should have stayed away from her. I should have listened to Louis when he’d first told me that our ‘deal’ would end up with one of us getting hurt, I should have listened to Lexi when she’d said that Olivia would never care for me the way I’d started to care for her.
“I’m fine, Lou,” I said, my tone unnecessarily harsh. “I’m not feeling bad.”
“Niall took her to a party recently,” he told me.
I always knew that she’d been friends with Niall before she even knew me, and if the situation was better, I wouldn’t have cared. But the moment Louis mentioned the two in the same sentence, I felt my blood boil. No doubt if they’d gone to a party, they’d gotten drunk. I wondered if she’d kissed him in her drunken stupor. Would he kiss her back?
“Good for them,” he muttered darkly.
“She’s a mess, Harry.” Louis said, his tone soft. “She misses you.”
“Yeah, well—” I started angrily.
Louis cut across me. “You miss her too.” He said firmly.
I sighed, my shoulders slumping and I rested my forehead on the wooden counter, feeling the cool material on my hot skin. I shut my eyes, taking my trembling bottom lip between my teeth. “Of course I do. I miss her so much, Louis.”
“I don’t understand how you guys can’t just try to be friends,” he said. “You both are so miserable without each other.”
“I’m sure she’s fine.” I said. I couldn’t even stand the thought of trying to be ‘just friends’ with Olivia. I’d considered it, considered taking her calls and telling her we’ll get past this, but thinking of being around her and having to ignore my feelings every day, having to pretend like I wasn’t hopelessly in love with her would kill me. It already was.
“She isn’t.” he told me. “She’s back to drinking heavily and…you know, being a mess. Like she was before—”
“Lou, stop,” I begged softly. “I don’t—I can’t—”
“I refuse to believe she doesn’t feel the same way, Harry.” He said softly and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe she’s just—or maybe she doesn’t know yet—”
I shook my head. “She doesn’t.” I told him, the absolute finality and truth of the statement making my heart ache. “And I just…I’m going to have to deal with it.”
*Olivia Harper*
Now that Harry and I were no longer friends, my life had returned to normal—normal being what life had been before I’d known him. I snuck out of the house, went to parties, got drunk, came back home and passed out. Sometimes I’d drink too much and throw up all over my clothes, and come back home stinking of sweat, alcohol and vomit. Initially I thought about hooking up with boys, but simply kissing someone who wasn’t Harry made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted him.
But he obviously didn’t want me. I loved him, I was in love with him, and the realization had momentarily made my troubles seem easier. But I hadn’t forgotten what the boy had told me about Harry hooking up with a girl to get over what had happened. The image still made me sick and angry, but it also made me want him more. I felt stupid for expecting him to hang on for long. Of course he had moved on, he had every right to. And if had done that, I’d do the same.
But it was hard for me. Now that I had realized how I really felt, it was impossible to think about being with anyone but him.
---
I flipped through the music CDs, looking for the one Niall had asked me to pick up for him. The music store wasn’t as crowded today, and music I distinctly recognized as Pink Floyd was playing in the background. I frowned, unable to find the CD Niall wanted.
I decided to look around for something else for a bit, thinking I’d tell Niall we could go and look for it later. As I moved to the shelf behind the one I was currently at, I spotted a painfully familiar figure at the end of the shop. He was reading the back of a CD cover, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration, his green eyes hidden from me, curls falling on his forehead. My stomach churned, and longed to run up to him and grab his shoulders and shake him and make him talk to me. I’d give anything to see him smile at me one more time, to make me laugh, to crack silly jokes, to reach up and poke his dimple like I always did.
I figured I should turn away before he saw me and things got more awkward and harder than they already were. Before I could do so, however, Harry set the CD back and turned, his gaze falling straight on me.
It’s like the world slowed down as he gazed at me. He first seemed shocked to see me, but something in his expression cracked, something that gave me hope for just a second that maybe he’d look at me and smile brightly the way he used to, his eyes sparkling. But then his expression hardened and my heart instantly fell.
But then he did something that surprised me. Harry made his way over to me, his eyes never leaving my own. His expression was a tad bit softer, but there was still something harsh about the way he looked at me that made me feel uncomfortable.
“Hey,” I said, my voice cracking, as he approached me.
It seemed like a long time before he finally replied, simply gazing down at me. “Hi.” He said finally, his voice deadpan.
It was as if my mind disconnected from my body completely, and every ounce of self control I had went flying out of the window. I wasn’t even thinking as I threw my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. I didn’t even care that he probably wouldn’t hug me back. I needed to feel his body against mine once again, to feel his hard chest against me, hear the beat of his heart under my ear. I squeezed my eyes close, my head resting on his chest as I fought tears. I braced myself for the moment he’d push me away.
So Harry surprised me once again by wrapping his arms around me, and he hugged me back. I heard the wild beat of his heart, as wild as my own, under my ear. It felt so good to be back in his arms, and I silently prayed that this wouldn’t be the last time. My hands fisted the back of his shirt as I held on to him quietly, biting my lip to stop myself from crying. Harry’s hand stroked my hair, while the other held me tightly by the waist. He rested his cheek on top of my head after planting a soft kiss there.
I pulled away, only slightly to look at him, reaching up to touch his cheek. “Harry,” I said simply, feeling sick and dizzy with happiness. “Harry.”
“Hey,” he said, and then smiled. His smile was half hearted, but it was so good to see it nonetheless.
“I—why haven’t you—I called you,” I stuttered. “So many times, Harry. I called you every day, and you—”
“I couldn’t,” he said simply.
“I miss you, Styles.” I said, my voice shaking. “I miss you a lot.”
He closed his eyes as if the words hurt him, and he stepped away from me, his hands and warmth leaving me. I reached for him, but he stepped further away. “Harper—”
“I heard that you—” I hesitated, unsure of whether I should confront him about whoever it was that he’d hooked up with shortly after our fight. I felt like it was none of my business, like it shouldn’t bother me, not one bit. But I needed to know.
“Look, I should go,” he said, starting to walk past me.
“No, no,” I said hurriedly, holding on to his shirt and stepping in front of him quickly. “Harry, please—”
“Olivia, move out of the way,” he said. “This was a bad idea.”
“What, talking to me?” I asked him, upset. “Are you going to pretend like I don’t exist and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of your life?”
“I hopefully won’t have to see you for that long,” he said softly. His tone wasn’t harsh, it didn’t display any intention to hurt me. But his words did their damage, cutting through me like knives. My expression must have displayed my hurt clearly, because he sighed. “It’s true. I can’t do it for too long. It’s too hard.”
“Do you think it isn’t hard for me?” I asked him. I could just tell him how I felt now, and things would be over. But I was angry, and I couldn’t rest till I confronted him. “Harry, you won’t even talk or look at me anymore. I just want to—” I broke off and took a shaky breath. “I just want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and then you’ll eventually just—”
“What, ‘get over it’?” he asked, sounding a little frustrated.
“No—”
“Goddammit, you don’t understand, Harper,” he said. “It’s not something that will just go away. Just because you’ve never felt like this, just because it was nothing more than just an easy shag for you—”
Once again his words ripped through me, and I cut across him angrily. “Oh, if your feelings are so fucking deep and real, how come you went running to that whore Molly, or Polly or whatever the hell her name was the moment you and I fought? For someone who’s feelings are so real, I find it quite tough to believe that you moved on so quickly.”
Harry stared at me, stunned. I was sure we were starting to create some sort of a scene in the store, but I also knew neither of us cared. “What—?”
The tears fell, and I didn’t do anything to stop them now. “I just—I’m a mess without you Harry,” I sobbed softly. “I need you in my life, and I can’t go on with you hating me for the rest of your life and replacing me so quickly.” The three words were on the tip of my tongue, I love you. But I didn’t say it. “I miss you. I miss you more than you know. But I get it—I understand why you won’t want to see me anymore. I’m used to it.”
Harry sighed. “Olivia—”
“I just wish you’d stop to listen to me once, just hear me out,” I said, stepping away from him. “I wish you’d listen to me and hear what I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while.”
“What—”
“You’re right, this was a bad idea.”
“Fuck, Harper—”
I wiped my tears away and then I was hurrying away from him, ignoring the one soft call of my name. He didn’t call me back again.
fuckin shit! i feel like lexi is going to turn her back on her.
6/3/16