I stared at Lux nearly all night when I crept back into bed. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t express any emotion. I just sat in wonder at the little person sleeping next to me, shifting sometimes in her dreams. I just tried to filter it through my mind that there was one of those little people, inside me.

I felt awful. I felt every emotion, but mostly, guilt. I was burdening the life of someone who was so successful, someone who had so much going for them. Somebody who was so carefree.

I kept replaying that moment in my head when I saw that blue line. I squinted my eyes into every shape I could, begging for a different result each time. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t grown up enough.

Lux sat up and climbed on top of me. I picked her up and hoisted her onto my waist. I checked my phone. Lou had messaged me a few minutes before I had woke up to say that she would be over to pick up Lux in the afternoon. I pressed my lips to her forehead, needing her comfort more than she needed mine. I padded down the staircase and laid my eyes on the couch, no Harry. My heart settled back into a steady pattern, only to be shot as soon as I walked into the kitchen. Harry was drinking from a steaming mug of coffee, showered and dressed casually. My eyes flickered to the clock. It was early.

“Hey, you.” He smiled, walking over to us both. I felt my hands start to tremble and Lux just held her hands out frantically for Harry to take her, and he did. The sight did nothing but put my mind in overdrive. I watched every move Harry made with Lux, wondering, imagining him being a father. I clenched my eyes tightly shut, trying to rid myself of those thoughts. My heart was beating so fast I could feel my chest shaking. I took a seat and tried to speak. I still couldn’t. Harry pulled an apple out of the bowl behind him, setting Lux on the side of the counter and pulling out a knife to peel the fruit as he did so, all in one swift movement. He held out the small pieces and Lux bit into them repeatedly. I had never seen him so.. parental, and of course it would come hours after I found out I had something, a baby, inside of me. I felt my eyes grow dry, and prick like they wanted to water. I was panicking, I was scared, I was alone in what I knew.

“Sorry about last night.” He mumbled, grazing his lips to form a light kiss on Lux’s hair before setting her down on her feet. “Do you want to go to the zoo today? To make up for it?”
I stared at Harry, willing myself to speak. No words. Finally, I choked something out. “No.. I’m not in the mood.”
Harry cocked his head to the side, and took his last sip of coffee. He walked over to me and crouched down behind me, bringing two thick arms around my shoulders in a tight embrace. He placed a kiss on my right ear. “Come on, it’ll be fun with Lux.”
“Drop it, Harry,” I said, suddenly standing up and startling both him and Lux. Harry looked at me quizzically. I had felt under pressure and terrified that by being so close to me he might somehow sense there were four of us in the room. Harry gave a slow nod.
“Well.. I’ll take Lux, then.” He said, watching me for any further outburst as he placed a hand on her shoulder to guide her upstairs. I gave a small nod, staring at the ground.

---

The house was completely still. I sat on my own, upright on the side of Harry’s bed. I stared out of the window, thinking only about my future. My eyes dropped down to my phone, as it started to buzz. An unknown number, I thought of answering incase it was somebody important. I brought the receiver to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is that Annie? I’m calling from Models One. I scouted you a few days ago.”
My breath was temporarily caught in my throat.
“Yeah, this is me.” I frowned.
“You never called to schedule a test shoot, so I asked Eleanor Calder for your telephone number. We really want to bring you in. Is tomorrow any good for you?”
I bit my lip, my eyes automatically falling down to my stomach.
“No, I’m sorry.” I said.
“Well how about next week?”
“I’m really sorry, but I’m not sure. Can I call you back?” I asked, desperate to end the conversation.
“Certainly.” The female voice replied. “My name is Lara. So give me a call as soon as you know your dates. Have a good day.”
“You too.” I said. “Bye."

I dropped my phone into my lap, and didn’t flinch when it slid to the floor. I resumed my stare.

This would be an opportunity that I would have to lose. I had never been called beautiful or model-potential by anyone other than my parents, Will, and Harry. I saw, now, what an amazing chance this would be.

My eyes returned to my stomach. It was flat, and unsuspecting.

What about this chance? I poked at my stomach. Shaking my head, I cozied up into the sheets, crying for the first time. I knew Harry would be supportive, responsible, he usually always was with anything. But I couldn’t place a wager on him wanting a child, and at twenty-one, I didn’t blame him, because I still felt like a child myself.

Suddenly, I needed him home. The tears fell harder as soon as I huddled into his pillow, fresh with this smell of him and his cologne. The one person I would tell anything to, the one person I would turn to for support, was the one person I felt like I couldn’t speak about this with.

Actually, the thought of Harry knowing about this pregnancy, made me sick with anxiety. There was no telling how he would react. How did I even feel about it? I love Lux, I love children, I love Harry.. but am I ready to love something that will depend on me for the rest of my life? Harry and I barely even trusted each other to go to the bathroom at the moment. Harry had been partying and enjoying his life now more than ever - and quite rightly so. He had everything in the world to party about. He was gorgeous, popular, stealthy rich, and on top of the world.

I didn’t want to take that away from him. I didn’t want to anchor him into a mundane life. What about the band? What about everything he had worked so hard for? How would the fans react.. would they still see the boys in the same light if one of them was pushing a newborn around in a stroller?

Deep in the back of my mind, I heard the voice that said, but Annie, what do you want? I ignored it. I felt like this was all my fault and therefore I had no right to an opinion. I quickly dried my eyes, hearing a car pull into the drive. I was shocked somewhat to see it wasn’t Harry, but Lou’s car. I checked my watch, still frantically pawing at my face in a bid to look normal. Lou was early, but Harry had said he’d have Lux home in a half hour anyway.

“Hellooooooo!” Lou gave her familiar, cheshire-cat grin. I smiled as best as I could, and held the door open to invite her in. “How’s she been?”
“She’s been amazing.” I said, truthfully. “Harry took her to the zoo."

I was trying so hard to sound in control that I just completely fell apart. Lou was astonished, at first, as I tried to hold back the sobs. She embraced me quickly, bringing me to sit down.

“What is it? Has something happened?” She said, frantically searching for a reason for my outburst. I shook my head no. “Is it Harry?”
I looked at her, and shook my head again. “No, I’m sorry, I’m just..” I let out another sob. “I just, I don’t know.”
Lou rubbed my back soothingly, and I calmed myself down. As I looked up at her, I wondered about telling her. I quickly shook my thoughts.
“Sorry, I’m just.. I’m on my period. I don’t know why I get so emotional.” I stifled a laugh and Lou smiled understandingly.
“Not at all! We all get like that sometimes.” She smiled. “You need a bit more girl company. You need him,” She motioned to the door. “to stop coming in in the middle of the night, smashed, waking you up! You’re not his caretaker. Tell him that."

I nodded, giving a small, fake smile. “Thank-you.” I said.

I heard the key turn in the door, and quickly wiped my eyes. Lux came running in and went straight for her mum. Harry approached me wearily, probably worried I was a bomb about to go off. Thats at least how I had acted this morning. I held out my arm, needing him to just hold me. Even if he didn’t know what was going on, I could imagine for a second that everything was fine when I was wrapped up in his arms. The cotton of his shirt was cold from the spring air outside. He kissed my head and gave me a look that said, “is everything alright now?” I tried my best at returning a reassuring smile back.

“Right you two,” Lou began, hoisting her little girl further onto her hip. “You,” She prodded Harry in the chest. “Take care of her.” She smirked and pointed at me. Harry nodded, probably not understanding but smiling angelically like he did most of the time anyway. Lux embraced us from the clutches of her mum, and they were on their way out of the door.

Harry and I were still in an embrace when he pulled away and looked at me.

“Got you a little present,” He smiled, a dimple appearing on the right side of his mouth. Harry played with the material of the headband he tied in his hair, and pulled out a CD from his back pocket. “It’s a song,” I reached out to grab the plastic. He yanked his arm back and held up a finger. “But, one condition, you only listen to it when I’m gone.”
“Gone?” I repeated. “Are you heading out again tonight?"

He shifted awkwardly and I knew I was about to be delivered some bad news.

“No, I’m not going out tonight, but..” He brought his thumb to the side of his mouth. “I, have actually.. well I’ve got to go to Paris for a few days.”

My heart fell to the floor like it weighed a tonne. I couldn’t be without him right now. Not like this, and not on my own.

“What? Why?” I begged. Harry sighed and sat down behind me. I quickly followed and he pulled me to lay on top of him.
“I don’t know why, exactly, babe. I don’t always know why. Simon told me I needed to make an appearance at a film screening, since all the lads are busy.. it will help promote our tickets to sell for the Paris date.”
“But, no,” I searched for something to say that didn’t sound pathetic. “I need you, here! Eleanor never has Louis taken away so much!”

Harry chuckled, bringing his hand to rest over my shoulder. I played with his fingers, admiring the crucifix tattoo beside his thumb.

“It’ll be a few days, Annie.” He smiled. My head dipped as his chest fell up and down, in time with his breathing. I clutched at the cotton of his shirt.
“That’s too long, Harry.” I said, mocking his tone. He frowned down at me, combing his fingers through my hair.
“Well, we have plenty of time until that happens, a week infact. So, we could, in theory, make the most of it."

Harry’s hand dropped and palmed my upper thigh, and I knew exactly what he meant. I wriggled awkwardly, hoping he would get the message. He brought his lips to graze my neck, and I winced. I couldn’t do anything sexual, keeping this from him. I felt the bulge in his jeans stiffen as the seconds went on. I stood up quickly. Harry frowned.

“Sorry.” I said, trying to think of an excuse. “Period.”

Harry made a mocking ew face and continued to roll over onto his stomach, reaching for the TV remote. I thanked God for a lucky escape, running off to the kitchen.

Notes