Things I Can, Things I Can’t

In the days that would follow our blistering argument, I literally counted down the hours until I would be home for Christmas, even if I had no master plan of what I would actually be doing in that period of time.

We had reached Japan, and by this time I felt like the main character in the Lost In Translation movie. My relationship with Harry ceased to exist, therefore my relationship with each of the boys deteriorated. Niall and I would often text each other from our respective hotel rooms, from our bunks, anything. After Harry and I’s fall out I hadn’t seen him par from when I had styled his hair.

I was thankful to arrive in Melbourne, where at least I spoke the language. However, it would be a long two weeks before we got home.

I became like most of the rest of the crew. A backdrop on this tour, I got up early, I did my job, I went to bed at night and missed the parties. I was fully operating on autopilot. I don’t know whether it was my loneliness or my heart speaking, but I had fallen back into the routine of texting Will daily. I needed a ride home from the airport in London and he had obliged, offering that it could be an opportunity to talk things over. I knew it was a stupid idea, and honestly I wasn’t into it.

I had, of course, had to deal with the media onslaught that followed. It never ceased to amaze me how interested the world wide web became in me, after being seen out a few times with Harry. The public had seemed to grow suspicious and after the “Harry falls for mystery brunette stylist!” headlines, ran the “Harry breaks mystery brunettes heart!” stories. To be honest sometimes it felt like they were right.

Even worse was Harry’s behaviour. Of course, Harry wasn’t an openly bad celebrity. He was never caught smoking, doing drugs, rarely drinking. Harry’s main crux was women, and a lot of them. I promised myself I didn’t give a shit but it didn’t stop me checking E! online daily, and what I saw just made me feel worse. Harry gets a visit in Japan from Daisy Lowe. Harry goes to dinner in Melbourne with Kendall Jenner. Harry seen with mystery blonde backstage.

The boys were polite to me, but they were treading on eggshells most of the time. I would walk into a room where Harry and the boys were that I knew would be talk of women or sex, and the room would fall silent. It felt horrible to lose the friends I had actually held so dear in this lonely, scary time.

But for now, it was only a week until we left Australia. We had gotten our tour bus back for this leg of shows, because it wasn’t too far to travel to each stop. It was pretty late and the tour bus was empty. The guys had gone to an event for a friends party in the city and I was thankful when they told me I wouldn’t need to come as a stylist was provided as part of the package. A night off, no boys, no crew, just me in a random private parking lot, waiting to move to the next place.

I flicked through Instagram carelessly, half falling asleep on the sofa in the main seating area. The TV was on a low volume, and I was just plain bored. It seemed there was some sort of tropical rainstorm going on outside, which scrapped my idea of going for a walk.

All of a sudden I heard shuffling from the middle of the bus. It stopped and I dismissed it as the wind.

“What are you doing here?"

I jumped fifty foot in the air as a gruff, sleep ridden voice startled me.

“Jesus Christ!” I bellowed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Harry stood awkwardly in the doorway, scratching his head. “Where is everybody?”

I looked at him blankly, wondering if I were being pranked. The reality of the situation was quickly reaffirmed when I saw the confusion on Harry’s face.

“Why aren’t you with them?” I blurted.
“With who?” Harry asked, becoming agitated.

Another ten seconds of dumbfounded-ness ensued.

“Well.. everyone’s at that event in the city, the night club? The girls birthday?” I said, trying to provoke some sort of Eureka! moment.

Harry wedged himself up onto the counter. “What? I’ve been asleep this whole time. Why wouldn’t anyone wake me?"

I looked at him oddly, the awkwardness of the situation forgotten as we tried to solve the mystery. I hadn’t seen him sleeping when I had walked through, but then again the curtains were shut on the bunks.

Harry disappeared for a second and came back holding his phone. He resumed his position on the side. His face changed dramatically as he checked the device, to one that was a mixture between anger.. and amusement?

“Well,” He began, “It seems we’ve been set up."

I sat there, not even understanding what he had just said.

“Niall: don’t hate me for my master plan. we’ve left u two to talk out your differences and we’ve gone to get drunk. frankly you’re ruining all our lives with your awkwardness. we’re not coming home until it’s sorted!"

The awkwardness that had previously escaped the situation flooded back in like a tidal wave. Nobody said anything for what felt like a minute. I stared fiercely at the ground, fully aware that my cheeks were so red that I could feel them burn. Harry just stared into space.

“Not a bad idea, I suppose..”
“Got to hand it to them..” I added.

Another pause.

Harry cleared his throat.

“Well, do you want a cup of tea?”

Notes