Things I Can, Things I Can’t

I could think of around fifty other things I would rather be doing than sitting down to have this conversation with Harry, but I knew how necessary it was. We had got all the obligatory awkwardness out of the way and had actually managed to start telling each other how we really felt.

I stared fiercely at the table. “I feel like you got the wrong impression.”
Harry laughed. “I think you were pretty clear.”
“No, Harry, it came out wrong.” I sighed. “I didn’t express myself properly.”

He looked at me, took a sip of his drink and shook his head, setting it back down. “I’m sorry I said hurtful things. I know you.. love Will. I should have just respected it.” He cleared his throat like the words were painful.
“You don’t get it.” I sighed, playing with my ringed fingers. “It’s not that kind of love, with Will anymore. It’s not like I love him, he’s my boyfriend, I can’t wait to see him. It’s habit, it’s a cycle, it’s comforting.”

Harry brought his hand to his chin and rested it on his knuckles. His stare was so intense that I could barely bring myself to look at him. He knew exactly how to make people feel uncomfortable, one of his many talents.

“Do you honestly want to spend any more of your life with that guy?”

I paused.

“No.” I sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Well which one is it, Annie.”
Again I was scared to look at him, but I forced myself to. “You’re asking too much of me right now."

He cocked his head to one side, pushing his hair off his face. “I’m asking you to be open and tell me how you feel."

Harry was so much more confident than me. He said he hated talking about feelings, labelling things, being a romantic, but all of those things came naturally without effort because confidence just oozed from him. He could say anything he thought. Whenever I tried to tell him how I felt I practically fell apart and ended up saying the complete wrong thing.

“Harry, understand that I’m not in the best of places right now.” I sighed. “But if you’re looking for something to reassure you or give you an insight into my mind, well.. whenever I hear your voice, I start panicking. Like, is my hair okay? Do I look good? Will he speak to me? Is he seeing a girl? When I hear Will’s name mentioned.. Harry, I just feel empty. I love the boy Will was three years ago. I love the routine of being at home, with him. It’s easy. I grew up with him, I’ve never known any other love.”
“You won’t even give me a chance to show you how it could be.”
“I’m afraid.”
“Of me?” He said, a smile playing on his lips.
“You don’t exactly have the most comforting record, Harry.” My jealous streak snapped under pressure. “You’ve been seeing a lot of girls lately."

Harry gave a small laugh.

“They’re nothing, Annie.”
“So why do they fly half way across the world to see you?” I tried to sound cool but I knew I sounded irritable.
“Because, honestly, I really am that good looking.” His face was deadly serious and I wanted to slap it. But when he gave a grin, I knew he was joking. “Annie, just stop talking about all that. You know I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. It’s been torture for me, too."

I thought about the last three weeks hastily and shuddered inside. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
He shrugged.
“I wish I was ready.. I wish I could just be ready for this.”
“We have time, Annie. We’re not going anywhere for months.” Harry looked at me and I knew his words were sincere.
“But what if-“
“Don’t think about it, just let it happen."

A moment of silence ensued.

“Don’t these feelings scare you? Aren’t you freaked out?” I asked, finally.
“Annie, more than anyone. Honestly I wanted to have sex with you as soon as I saw you come to the club with us the first time. I thought we’d fuck, we’d speak, we’d be friends, but nothing more. I never dreamed of telling a girl that I wanted to be with her after knowing her for three months and only having sex once.” He shook his head. “I’ve never actually felt like this about a girl."

I gave him a small smile.

“When I’m healed and my head is in the right place, the outlook will be a lot better. But, Harry, you know I like you too."

He chewed on his lower lip and his eyes flickered. I felt the pit of my stomach lurch at his effortless sexiness.

“So what do we do?” I asked, hoping he’d have the answer.
“We just get on with it. We don’t label it, we don’t talk about what it is, we just run with it and talk about it when it feels right.”

It felt right. It felt like I could slowly ease myself out of this black hole from the problems with Will and move on with my life. Harry stood and picked up our cups, placing them over by the sink. I stood at the opposite counter and we faced each other.

“At least we’re clearer.” I said, feeling shy having him so close to me, watching me.

Harry didn’t say anything, he just scratched the back of his neck softly. I admired his shirtless body, noticing it a lot more after admitting to myself that I did like him.

“You’re turned on.” He noted, grinning and smirking at the same time. I felt my head explode but I didn’t even speak.

He walked a bit closer to me, and I knew where this was going. I practically leaped onto him, meeting his lips. He stumbled backward but quickly pushed me against the counter, hoisting me up and grabbing and kissing at me hungrily. Bottles, cups, cereal and the toaster were all sent crashing to the floor as we moved along the counter, his head burrowing in my neck. I couldn’t help but let out a long, faltering breath from my throat as he kissed the softest parts of me.

His hands were everywhere in what felt like seconds. He was tugging and pulling at me and I knew then that this, was his real sexual style. The night at the hotel was softer, more rehearsed. This was like he’d been starved for days.

I knew we had smashed some glasses and knew nobody would be having toast for a while. We practically stumbled over each other when he pulled me back through the bunks, falling and clambering at each other every step of the way. He broke the kiss once, searching the bunks. He let out a growl as if to say, ’no, this won’t do,’ and grabbed me again, pulling me to the back of the bus where there was a larger, circular seating area.

Harry sat down, his legs opened. He reached around and grabbed both ass cheeks, so the hem of my jeans were level with his face. He undid the button effortlessly, and I wondered how many times he had done this before as he pulled them down. I thanked god that there were no Bridget Jones-esque underwear underneath them. He reached forward, pushed up my shirt and his plump lips pressed against my skin below my belly button. I felt the want in between my legs.

He wasn’t soft for long, and soon he had pulled down my underwear. He placed kisses on me, right down to my entrance. I shuddered and my legs trembled. I could see the smirk play across his face, knowing how weak I was. He pulled off his shorts and boxers quickly, pulling me onto his lap by my knees. Our faces hovered next to each other, our noses touching. I reached to reconnect our lips, but every time I did Harry moved further away, enjoying teasing me. He gave a breathless laugh and stroked my lips with his thumb.

I knew he was preparing to enter me, but I was shocked when he roughly pulled me straight down on him, earning a moan of pain and pleasure from me. He looked at my face and studied my reaction, his lips parted in enjoyment. His fingers dug into my hips. “Bounce” he instructed, and I did as I was told.

Harry reached up and grabbed a knot full of my hair, pulling it tightly. “Oh, fuck Annie. Just like that, babe."

His length was pushing my limits with every time I came down on him, but at this point any kind of pain felt like a sea of pleasure. I knew he was leaving marks on my ass, thighs, and back, with his rough hands, but I honestly wanted him to.

I grabbed hold of either side of his face and groaned to the ceiling. He pulled me down faster and harder. His hands searched for my breasts, urgently groping at them.

“Baby,” He whispered, “up.” Was all he managed after.

He pushed me next to him and stretched me over the sofa, so that I could grab onto the ledge. He came at me again, with no warning, hard from behind. He worked my ass with one hand, digging his nails in as he stroked. He brought his fingers around to play with my clitoris and that was when I lost it.

“No, no, no,” I begged, barely a whisper. He cursed in what I took for approval. He rubbed against me in a circular motion, and I felt my legs shaking involuntarily. I did not want to lose it, but he felt so good.
“Stop holding back, just let it go.” He wasn’t advising me, he was ordering me. I whimpered because I knew he was going to make me come. I so badly tried to stop, not wanting to fall apart underneath him, but my mind and body wanted more, and my ass pushed back onto him to feel as much as possible.

“Harryyyy, please, fuck,” was all I managed. I think he took it as a sign of appreciation. He grabbed my hair again roughly and came at me harder.
“You’re gonna fucking come for me, Annie.” He slapped my ass and that was it. I felt everything tighten around him as he rubbed my clit more furiously. I completely tuned out and orgasm took over. I begged, cursed, and punched against the ledge of the sofa as it washed through me.

I had barely gotten over it and felt so much more sensitive to Harry’s movements when he suddenly quickened. “Fucking hell, Annie.” He swore. “I can’t-"

The rest of his sentence would not be finished, because after three more deep strokes, he fell, panting, onto my back. I felt the wetness of his curls against my neck, the sweat soaking them.

I guess that, is how you end a deep conversation.

Notes

Haha! not expected.. but merry christmas!
can we appreciate that I deleted this whole thing TWICE and have just written it up for the third time.. fuck this text editor!
hope y’all had a wonderful day! x