Class Clowns
Chapter 15: 'Strong'
Claire's POV
I've been awake the vast majority of the night, and I've looked around Zayn's room probably a million times. I can point out where he keeps his paint brushes, where he puts his dirty laundry (in a ball in the corner of the room), the walls are deep shade of maroon with exquisite detail so I figure he probably painted them himself and he keeps his hair products in a very particular height order. He's adorable.
Without waking Zayn, I slip out of his arms at around 6 am and head into the kitchen. Coffee, I need coffee now. I creep around the kitchen, rummaging around through their disorganized cabinets and eventually find everything I need to make a decent cup.
As I sit and listen to the Keurig brew and grind, my mind wanders to a different place. Last night and into this morning I came up with a conclusion; Be stronger than the rest. If I just push away my feelings or shut them off, I'll be ok. Pretending like nothing can touch me is much easier than letting my emotions run wild... so a fake smile and no tears is my new way of life, at least until the silent pain settles in a bit.
When the aroma of black coffee slips into my nostrils, I snap out of it and take my mug. I don't need sugar or milk, I'll drink it dark to match my feelings... I can be sad on the inside but fine out the outside, right?
"Good morning." A very groggy Harry greets me in the kitchen, with bed hair and droopy eyes.
"Good morning Harry." I say shyly, taking a sip of my hot mug. He goes to the fridge and takes out orange juice and a yogurt, then sits beside me at the table.
"You're up early, how are you feeling?" He asks, nudging me softly. I swallow hard and screw my eyes shut for a moment before responding. Put the emotions away, Claire.
"I'm doing okay." I give him a fake smile, but I can tell he's unconvinced.
"Claire..." He groans and I put my hand up to stop him.
"I'm fine, alright? Leave it at that." I snap, and he immediately looks like he has taken offense. Fuck. "I didn't mean to jump at you there, I'm just really tired and didn't get much sleep and--"
"You don't have to apologize for anything, love." He puts his hand on my shoulder and his warm smile melts right through my cold ora. "I just don't want you to push anything you're feeling away because it will all catch up with you eventually, yeah?" He suggests and I nod.
"I'm not pushing anything away, I'm just being strong." I lie, and he nods, still looking unconvinced but I can tell he isn't going to fight me on it, not today at least.
"Your phones over there if you want it." He tells me, pointing towards the table. I nod, slumping by way across the room and grabbing it. My eyes immediately light up when the contact 'Mom' is shown on the front screen but dim when I remember that 'Mom' is just another name for the house phone.
"So many messages." I say to myself and Harry both, scrolling through them. After reading about two from Mark and Alex and then one from Craig, I put it down. I don't know how I'm going to be pull of being 'strong' through all of this, but I have to be.
"Figures." Harry chuckles, and I laugh a little bit too. I hear shuffling around in the other room and moments later, Zayn enters the kitchen with his shirt off and sweat pants low. Usually I would admire him and his exposed body, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. That's what happens when tragedy hits an insomniac... Sleepless nights will turn into sleepless weeks.
"Good morning, beautiful." Zayn groans in his husky morning voice. He comes beside me to peck my lips, then grabs breakfast and sits beside Harry.
"What time do you guys go into the school?" I ask, breaking the silence that has now filtered itself inside the room.
"7:15, but I don't think I should go in today, I'll stay with y--" Zayn starts to say, but I cut him off.
"You don't have to wait around for me, I'm fine." I insist, and his eyes go wide. He looks to Harry who has the same puzzled face, and then back to me.
"You're not fine, Claire." Zayn sighs, and I shake my head.
"Yes I am, I'm ok." I plaster on that big fake smile I've been trying on all morning and I actually think it's starting to be believable. Harry looks at me as if I'm spewing a load of crap which I am, but Zayn's features have transformed into the slightest bit of relief.
"Alright... but if you need me, I'm here." He smiles, making me smile along with him.
"I know. Thanks, both of you." I smile at both of them, and look down into my lap. It's going to be a long time before I truly am 'fine' ever again, I know that.
After having Zayn drop me off in Needham to my car, I drive myself home. I'm capable of driving, even though I continue to go way past the speed limit and blare music over my thoughts. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to the mess I will have to face or the consequences. I have my story straight though, I slept in my car. It's rehearsed, prepared and I'm set.
Pulling into the parking lot of my house, I can see people moving around inside my home. I close my car door and weakly walk towards the door, eyes barely open. I'm truly exhausted at this point but now on top of everything, I'm afraid to sleep. What if I have dreams that my mom is dead? Or worse, what if I have dreams that she is still alive?
"Claire, is that you?" I hear my dads voice ring from the kitchen. I make my way into the room and find both my brothers, my dad and Craig and Cassidy all sitting around. Why the hell are Craig and Cassidy here?
"I'm back." I croak out, a fake smile curling at the corner of my mouth. "Before any of you ask, I'm fine. I slept in my car at a park in Needham." I lie, and their eyes go wide.
"Are you insane? Someone could have hurt you!" Mark's large voice booms over me. I roll my eyes and Alex shoves him. I look back at Mark and he just puts his head down and cries, really cries. I feel the slightest bit of guilt that I worried him when he's so broken, but it fades when I remind myself to feel nothing.
"We're just really happy you're back." Alex saves his outburst and I nod, pushing past all of them and entering the living room. I know they're all wanting to talk about my mom, but I have no interest because inside I know that I mentally cannot take to hear it.
"Claire..." Cassidy's voice is low and calm as she makes her way over to me with Craig and my dad.
"Yes?" I ask, and my dad releases a large sigh.
"We need to discuss what... happened." He tries. I look around me and everyone has a twisted look on their face, like they're deathly afraid of me.
"Okay." I say with a hint of fear behind my response. I don't want to know, but I need to. I search around the room at all the sympathetic and find one that isn't pure sadness. Craig doesn't look like he's going to burst out into to tears for me, he looks like he wants to help. That's what I need.
"I want Craig to tell me. Alone." I say, and motion for everyone to leave. They're hesitant at first, but eventually they all exit the room and leave us alone. I pat the seat beside me on the couch for him to sit in, and he does.
"So this isn't easy for me." He sighs and I nod my head, tears welling up in my eyes. Fucking hell, why can't I just keep it together?
"I know, but I wanted you to be the one to tell me. You're the only one who isn't looking at me like I'm crazy or broken or a baby doll." I whisper, and I can tell that gave him the confidence he needed to tell to me the details of my mothers death.
He explained to me that she took an excessive amount of pills and then hung herself from her closet but failed, and thats why Alex knew to go look for her, from the noise. When he found her she was already gone, which made my stomach churn that he was the one to find her. Her funeral would be tomorrow and the next day, according to Craig. He then told me how she left no suicide note, not even a word to explain herself and that's what I think hurts the most. She didn't want to say goodbye, she wanted nothing.
"Are you ok?" Craig asks as I stare of at the wall. I blink my eyes a few times and look back at him as if something was taking over me, something more powerful than I could imagine.
"I'm fine, I just need some rest." I whisper, positioning my head so it was resting on his lap and closing my eyes. I felt him playing with my hair softly and toss the small blanket over me.
"I love you Claire, I'm so sorry." He whispers, kissing the top of my head. I can tell that's crying now, which breaks my heart. Before my parents split, he and my mom got along wonderfully.
"Me too Craig, me too." I whisper before finally letting the desperate slumber that I have been yearning for take over me. I pray that when I wake up, this nightmare of a life will be nothing but a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.
And if not, I'll just continue to be 'strong' for everyone else. What they don't know and what I don't show can't hurt anyone.
I've been awake the vast majority of the night, and I've looked around Zayn's room probably a million times. I can point out where he keeps his paint brushes, where he puts his dirty laundry (in a ball in the corner of the room), the walls are deep shade of maroon with exquisite detail so I figure he probably painted them himself and he keeps his hair products in a very particular height order. He's adorable.
Without waking Zayn, I slip out of his arms at around 6 am and head into the kitchen. Coffee, I need coffee now. I creep around the kitchen, rummaging around through their disorganized cabinets and eventually find everything I need to make a decent cup.
As I sit and listen to the Keurig brew and grind, my mind wanders to a different place. Last night and into this morning I came up with a conclusion; Be stronger than the rest. If I just push away my feelings or shut them off, I'll be ok. Pretending like nothing can touch me is much easier than letting my emotions run wild... so a fake smile and no tears is my new way of life, at least until the silent pain settles in a bit.
When the aroma of black coffee slips into my nostrils, I snap out of it and take my mug. I don't need sugar or milk, I'll drink it dark to match my feelings... I can be sad on the inside but fine out the outside, right?
"Good morning." A very groggy Harry greets me in the kitchen, with bed hair and droopy eyes.
"Good morning Harry." I say shyly, taking a sip of my hot mug. He goes to the fridge and takes out orange juice and a yogurt, then sits beside me at the table.
"You're up early, how are you feeling?" He asks, nudging me softly. I swallow hard and screw my eyes shut for a moment before responding. Put the emotions away, Claire.
"I'm doing okay." I give him a fake smile, but I can tell he's unconvinced.
"Claire..." He groans and I put my hand up to stop him.
"I'm fine, alright? Leave it at that." I snap, and he immediately looks like he has taken offense. Fuck. "I didn't mean to jump at you there, I'm just really tired and didn't get much sleep and--"
"You don't have to apologize for anything, love." He puts his hand on my shoulder and his warm smile melts right through my cold ora. "I just don't want you to push anything you're feeling away because it will all catch up with you eventually, yeah?" He suggests and I nod.
"I'm not pushing anything away, I'm just being strong." I lie, and he nods, still looking unconvinced but I can tell he isn't going to fight me on it, not today at least.
"Your phones over there if you want it." He tells me, pointing towards the table. I nod, slumping by way across the room and grabbing it. My eyes immediately light up when the contact 'Mom' is shown on the front screen but dim when I remember that 'Mom' is just another name for the house phone.
"So many messages." I say to myself and Harry both, scrolling through them. After reading about two from Mark and Alex and then one from Craig, I put it down. I don't know how I'm going to be pull of being 'strong' through all of this, but I have to be.
"Figures." Harry chuckles, and I laugh a little bit too. I hear shuffling around in the other room and moments later, Zayn enters the kitchen with his shirt off and sweat pants low. Usually I would admire him and his exposed body, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. That's what happens when tragedy hits an insomniac... Sleepless nights will turn into sleepless weeks.
"Good morning, beautiful." Zayn groans in his husky morning voice. He comes beside me to peck my lips, then grabs breakfast and sits beside Harry.
"What time do you guys go into the school?" I ask, breaking the silence that has now filtered itself inside the room.
"7:15, but I don't think I should go in today, I'll stay with y--" Zayn starts to say, but I cut him off.
"You don't have to wait around for me, I'm fine." I insist, and his eyes go wide. He looks to Harry who has the same puzzled face, and then back to me.
"You're not fine, Claire." Zayn sighs, and I shake my head.
"Yes I am, I'm ok." I plaster on that big fake smile I've been trying on all morning and I actually think it's starting to be believable. Harry looks at me as if I'm spewing a load of crap which I am, but Zayn's features have transformed into the slightest bit of relief.
"Alright... but if you need me, I'm here." He smiles, making me smile along with him.
"I know. Thanks, both of you." I smile at both of them, and look down into my lap. It's going to be a long time before I truly am 'fine' ever again, I know that.
After having Zayn drop me off in Needham to my car, I drive myself home. I'm capable of driving, even though I continue to go way past the speed limit and blare music over my thoughts. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to the mess I will have to face or the consequences. I have my story straight though, I slept in my car. It's rehearsed, prepared and I'm set.
Pulling into the parking lot of my house, I can see people moving around inside my home. I close my car door and weakly walk towards the door, eyes barely open. I'm truly exhausted at this point but now on top of everything, I'm afraid to sleep. What if I have dreams that my mom is dead? Or worse, what if I have dreams that she is still alive?
"Claire, is that you?" I hear my dads voice ring from the kitchen. I make my way into the room and find both my brothers, my dad and Craig and Cassidy all sitting around. Why the hell are Craig and Cassidy here?
"I'm back." I croak out, a fake smile curling at the corner of my mouth. "Before any of you ask, I'm fine. I slept in my car at a park in Needham." I lie, and their eyes go wide.
"Are you insane? Someone could have hurt you!" Mark's large voice booms over me. I roll my eyes and Alex shoves him. I look back at Mark and he just puts his head down and cries, really cries. I feel the slightest bit of guilt that I worried him when he's so broken, but it fades when I remind myself to feel nothing.
"We're just really happy you're back." Alex saves his outburst and I nod, pushing past all of them and entering the living room. I know they're all wanting to talk about my mom, but I have no interest because inside I know that I mentally cannot take to hear it.
"Claire..." Cassidy's voice is low and calm as she makes her way over to me with Craig and my dad.
"Yes?" I ask, and my dad releases a large sigh.
"We need to discuss what... happened." He tries. I look around me and everyone has a twisted look on their face, like they're deathly afraid of me.
"Okay." I say with a hint of fear behind my response. I don't want to know, but I need to. I search around the room at all the sympathetic and find one that isn't pure sadness. Craig doesn't look like he's going to burst out into to tears for me, he looks like he wants to help. That's what I need.
"I want Craig to tell me. Alone." I say, and motion for everyone to leave. They're hesitant at first, but eventually they all exit the room and leave us alone. I pat the seat beside me on the couch for him to sit in, and he does.
"So this isn't easy for me." He sighs and I nod my head, tears welling up in my eyes. Fucking hell, why can't I just keep it together?
"I know, but I wanted you to be the one to tell me. You're the only one who isn't looking at me like I'm crazy or broken or a baby doll." I whisper, and I can tell that gave him the confidence he needed to tell to me the details of my mothers death.
He explained to me that she took an excessive amount of pills and then hung herself from her closet but failed, and thats why Alex knew to go look for her, from the noise. When he found her she was already gone, which made my stomach churn that he was the one to find her. Her funeral would be tomorrow and the next day, according to Craig. He then told me how she left no suicide note, not even a word to explain herself and that's what I think hurts the most. She didn't want to say goodbye, she wanted nothing.
"Are you ok?" Craig asks as I stare of at the wall. I blink my eyes a few times and look back at him as if something was taking over me, something more powerful than I could imagine.
"I'm fine, I just need some rest." I whisper, positioning my head so it was resting on his lap and closing my eyes. I felt him playing with my hair softly and toss the small blanket over me.
"I love you Claire, I'm so sorry." He whispers, kissing the top of my head. I can tell that's crying now, which breaks my heart. Before my parents split, he and my mom got along wonderfully.
"Me too Craig, me too." I whisper before finally letting the desperate slumber that I have been yearning for take over me. I pray that when I wake up, this nightmare of a life will be nothing but a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.
And if not, I'll just continue to be 'strong' for everyone else. What they don't know and what I don't show can't hurt anyone.
Notes
if you don't comment your reactions to the chapters, I don't update the story :)Writing this isn't fun unless I'm getting suggestions or love or hate or something from the readers!!
Who's gonna be there for Claire when she breaks? Harry? Zayn? Craig?
Please vote if you haven't :) x
love it
1/25/15