Fanfiction 101
Cross Country
Cross Country
Author: Liv_For_Payne
Rate: 5
Your grammar isn’t too bad. I would just work on the correct way to punctuate dialogue if I were you. Other than that, there are a few errors here and there, but nothing too consistent to worry about. Just don’t forget to proofread.
The pace of the story was a bit fast for my liking, and some things were kind of vague. There are a few places where you could have given more background information or something else to help give the readers more understanding of the story. I do realize that some things are better left unsaid for now because it adds interest to the story, but you can’t leave everything out because it can kind of confuse people. For example, you don’t really give insight to what Harry’s intentions are with Hadley (other than he wants her, but I feel like there is more than just that), so I’m kind of confused as to where you are taking this story. It’s not like I want you to just blurt it all out. Just give out little bits or hints as to what his intentions are to clear up the basic idea of the story.
I’m a really big fan of the story line in general though. I haven’t read too many stories where a kid comes back into town after getting out of jail for murder. I really like the horror you’re trying to convey, but I also think you could work on making it more horrifying. Harry’s character is supposedly a murderer, but his thoughts don’t really scream “murderer” to me. He does play with kitchen knives in a creepy fashion, but I feel like there needs to be more to it than that. Add some more emotion to the people who are around Harry; show some fear – he’s a murderer! Make Harry’s emotions more intense and murderous. Right now, he kind of sounds like a guy who thinks he’s tough even though he’s really not that tough.
I think the kidnapping thing was kind of a bust for the story though. Other than the fact that there would be so many complications in kidnapping someone out of the country, especially if they’re under 18 because they need parents’ consent, she escaped in the next chapter. Harry wouldn’t have been that stupid. He’s a murderer, and murderers take precaution (not that I would actually know that but they probably would), and they definitely wouldn’t let their victim escape that easily or that quickly.
If you’re looking for ideas on how to continue the story, I think you should go back and prolong the kidnapping. Have someone back home go looking for Hadley and find Zayn dead in her house. Get the police involved with the story, file for missing person. Have Hadley suffering from Harry kidnapping her and make Harry a more malicious murderer kind of guy that he should be. Make the kidnap a big deal, and somehow have Harry start to slowly realize what he’s done and break out of that “tough guy” shell. I have a few more ideas, but I don’t really know what you want to do with this and it’s your story and ultimately your decision in the end.
Overall, I really do enjoy the story, but it could use a little more work in a few places. I’m hitting subscribe and I can’t wait to see what you decide to do with this story. :)
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Author: Liv_For_Payne
Rate: 5
Your grammar isn’t too bad. I would just work on the correct way to punctuate dialogue if I were you. Other than that, there are a few errors here and there, but nothing too consistent to worry about. Just don’t forget to proofread.
The pace of the story was a bit fast for my liking, and some things were kind of vague. There are a few places where you could have given more background information or something else to help give the readers more understanding of the story. I do realize that some things are better left unsaid for now because it adds interest to the story, but you can’t leave everything out because it can kind of confuse people. For example, you don’t really give insight to what Harry’s intentions are with Hadley (other than he wants her, but I feel like there is more than just that), so I’m kind of confused as to where you are taking this story. It’s not like I want you to just blurt it all out. Just give out little bits or hints as to what his intentions are to clear up the basic idea of the story.
I’m a really big fan of the story line in general though. I haven’t read too many stories where a kid comes back into town after getting out of jail for murder. I really like the horror you’re trying to convey, but I also think you could work on making it more horrifying. Harry’s character is supposedly a murderer, but his thoughts don’t really scream “murderer” to me. He does play with kitchen knives in a creepy fashion, but I feel like there needs to be more to it than that. Add some more emotion to the people who are around Harry; show some fear – he’s a murderer! Make Harry’s emotions more intense and murderous. Right now, he kind of sounds like a guy who thinks he’s tough even though he’s really not that tough.
I think the kidnapping thing was kind of a bust for the story though. Other than the fact that there would be so many complications in kidnapping someone out of the country, especially if they’re under 18 because they need parents’ consent, she escaped in the next chapter. Harry wouldn’t have been that stupid. He’s a murderer, and murderers take precaution (not that I would actually know that but they probably would), and they definitely wouldn’t let their victim escape that easily or that quickly.
If you’re looking for ideas on how to continue the story, I think you should go back and prolong the kidnapping. Have someone back home go looking for Hadley and find Zayn dead in her house. Get the police involved with the story, file for missing person. Have Hadley suffering from Harry kidnapping her and make Harry a more malicious murderer kind of guy that he should be. Make the kidnap a big deal, and somehow have Harry start to slowly realize what he’s done and break out of that “tough guy” shell. I have a few more ideas, but I don’t really know what you want to do with this and it’s your story and ultimately your decision in the end.
Overall, I really do enjoy the story, but it could use a little more work in a few places. I’m hitting subscribe and I can’t wait to see what you decide to do with this story. :)
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16