Riley's POV
After the first day back to reality, I felt like an innocent, abused, neglected animal who was drowning in fears, trying to come up for air.

As each day passes, I feel more human, and the fear slowly slips out of my grasp.

Now, when a full has week gone by, I feel like a person again.

There's a sense of emptiness and withdrawal inside of me, but I've chosen to tuck it away for the rest of the year. There will always be this pain deep inside my stomach without Harry, without all the things I've lost, but I've realized that I'm so sick and tired of being sad. It's sad isn't it, being sad about being sad? Being sick and tired of being sick and tired?

I've never quite understood why things went so south for me with Seth and Dixie and everything else, but I'm through trying to figure that out. Zayn and all my incredible friends have convinced me to let it go, and that's what I'm going to try and do from now on. The only problem I have now, is trying to play nice with Harry because of course, the boys miss him (aside from Zayn.) How could they not miss him? Whether he was horrible to me or not, they were best friends. Liam and Louis can tell me a million times "we're on your side" and even though I do believe them, I know in their heart that they are waiting for me to give them the okay to let Harry start coming around again... But I don't know if I want that, or if I'm ready for it.

So now, I'm walking into the cafeteria for lunch with my head held high and the slightest genuine smile on my face that I can muster up. Danny, Louis, Cody and Perrie are all sitting there already, waiting for the rest of the seats to fill and I can't help but feel happy looking at them. If I have one reason to smile, it's that all these misfits, jocks and weed-smoking idiots can be friends.

"Riley! Come sit!" Perrie squeaks, pointing towards the seat between Louis and Danny. I release a large breath and drop my bag, sliding myself in between them smoothly. Right away, the assholes smoosh themselves as close as possible to me and I push at them.

"You're so annoying!" I laugh in my still raspy voice, looking up at Danny who has an adorable smile on his face. I have to admit, if I have been getting closer with anyone lately it's been him and even Maddie, but mainly him. I can tell he probably still has feelings for me, and I'm fine with a little flirtatious behavior but am I ready for anything like a relationship? No. Hell no. Why? Because I still love that heart breaking douchebag Harry and I'm trying really hard not to.

"You do realize you can eat more for lunch than lettuce, right?" Louis pokes me as I pull my container out of my backpack that has the same type of salad I eat everyday inside.

"You do realize you can wear something other than that grey t-shirt and black jeans more than twice a week, right?" I smirk, and he waves his hands in the air to surrender.

Minutes pass of mindless conversation and more and more members of our now growing lunch table show up. First Nick, then Maddie, and eventually Zayn makes his way to the table as well.

"Where's Liam?" I ask no one in particular. I look down at my phone to see if he had texted, and he hadn't. This wouldn't be weird, but he's usually always the first one down here for some reason.

"Umm..." Louis tilts his chin up and scans the room, looking towards all the tables that Liam might be talking to. "I'm not sure, he's usually down here by now." He shrugs, and returns to his discussion with Danny about which strain of weed gives you a better high.

"Weird." I say, sending Liam a quick Where are you? text, and returning to my food and conversation with Perrie and Maddie. Seconds later, I feel my phone buzz and when I look down, I read a message from Liam that says, Don't hate me. It doesn't take long to realize why he sent this.

"There's Liam." Maddie whispers, tapping my hand from across the table. When I look up, not only Niall but Harry are following closely behind him, laughing and talking as if this was going to be a normal thing. Could this be normal? Could I act normal? Could I pretend Harry didn't break my heart?

"Mind if I join you guys?" Harry cooly states, sliding in next to Louis without hesitation. I can feel the tension around us shift as Liam and Niall sit down on the other side of the table, and no one replies except for Louis.

"Why not? We're all friends here and the past is in the past? Right? Right?" He coughs awkwardly, and I shift my body weight as close to Danny as possible. I can feel Liam's eyes on me, sympathetic and full of pity but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of saying 'it's okay.' This was not okay.

"Right." I mumble, looking at Niall who gives me a small, earnest grin, and the second I say that, it's as if a stretched out rubber-band finally snapped back into placed. Everybody's shoulders relaxed, their faces were less tense and their smiles were real. Have I been keeping everyone from being happy all this time? Have I been making everyone miserable? Is Harry this missing puzzle piece, and am I the one who fucks everything up?

I'm thinking too much. I'm thinking too much. I'm thinking too much.

Harry is sitting centimeters from me, talking to my friends, and my brain is not functioning properly. I liked it better when my only issues were figuring out which outfit to wear to the party I was going to or how I'm going to get into college. It hasn't even been a year, and everything has gone to crap.

"What do you think, Ri?" Danny nudges me, and I'm forced to snap out of my thoughts to look up at him.

"Think of what?" I laugh nervously, turning to face him completely.

"A party tonight! At my house!" Maddie smiles from across the table, her eyebrows wiggling mischievously. A party. High school used to be one big party. Everything revolved around the latest party, and coming back to school to talk about what happened at them... To be honest, I've had some of my best and worst experiences at parties.

"I don't know... It's a little soon, don't you think?" I cough, attempting to make my frail voice sound strong but it unfortunately sounds as weak as it feels.

"A party is a dumb idea. It's a Tuesday." Harry voices his opinion, and almost immediately my insides turn to ice. It's been a week, and he hasn't spoken a word to me. We have been distant, no eye contact, and avoiding each other at all costs. A party is what he decides to talk to me about? A fucking party?

"It could be fun, Ri! It's our senior year anyway, who cares if we miss the next day?" Perrie smiles and leans into Zayn. He gives her a warning glare, but instantly melts at her affection.

"I have missed so many days already." I remind them all, and Louis starts to laugh beside me.

"Don't be such a pussy!" He shoves me, and I turn to him, jaw hanging open.

"Dick! I'm not a pussy!" I retort, a smile playing at the corners of my lips.

"Well my parents are going out tonight, so I'm having a party whether you're there or not... But I think you should come. It's gonna be fun!" Maddie laughs, and I look up at the ceiling while everyone continues their banter about the party.

"This is so stupid. None of us need to go to any parties or get drunk on a Tuesday." Harry mumbles, and before I can fire back someone does for me.

"Do you really think you have much of a say right now, bro?" Cody says gently, and I almost laugh at his little 'bro' at the end of it. Even Cody likes Harry, and that's saying a lot. Harry's lips are sealed, and I look over at Zayn who has an amused look on his face. He must see the wheels turning in my head, the pros and cons are being weighed and I'm really trying to make the best decision possible.

"Maybe I'll go for a little bit... But I'm not drinking." I sigh, and the entire table erupts in a roar of cheers aside from the brooding Harry. I can feel his eyes burning a hole through my head, but I refuse to look. He doesn't love me, he won't even fucking talk to me unless it's something ridiculous or irrelevant. Maybe I should go out, maybe I should move on?

"Yes! You won't regret this, I promise... You'll actually have fun." Maddie smiles, and I can tell she means it. It would be nice to have fun at a party for a change. My first party without Dixie. Everything seems to come back to her, and I constantly find myself missing my hateful best friend. It's a pathetic life and world I live in, and I always wonder if Harry could make it better... But I guess I will never know.

"See you tonight." Danny whispers as the lunch bell rings, and before I can say goodbye to him or shoot Harry a nasty glare, he's already disappeared from the lunchroom.

---

My bold blue top feels too tight around around my my chest and my leggings are almost too see-through. My combat boots are tied all the way up, and my cardigan is hanging over my cropped top is hanging exactly where I want it to. I decided to wear more make up than usual, because I'm so bloody nervous. I started off with just some foundation, and then that lead to a little bronzer, blush, eye shadow and before I knew it I was all done up and ready for a night out.

"You look hot." Joni snickers from the corner of my room, a proud smile on her face. Usually when I go to parties, I have her in my room to help me pick out an outfit or tell me what looks good or bad. I shift my body to face my little sister and bite my bottom lip, unsure of this whole situation.

"Thanks Joan... But I don't know if I should go tonight." I sigh, plopping down on my window sill and mindlessly looking across to Harry's house. His bedroom light is off, and his car isn't parked in the driveway so he's not even home tonight. Maybe he has a new girlfriend. Or maybe he's in Maywood with old friends. Who knows? Not me.

"You should go! It's gonna be lots of fun, just don't do something stupid." Joni winks, and I roll my eyes.

"Great advice." I smirk, and she shrugs playfully.

"That's what I'm here for!" She says, standing and pacing around the room. "Is Harry going?" She asks, and I chuckle.

"Who wants to know? You, or mom and dad?" I smirk, and the blush on her face tells it all.

"They just wanted me to ask but--" She begins to explain herself, but I stop her.

"Harry doesn't want to be with me! It's fine, I'm over it. You can tell mom and dad that Harry didn't even want to go tonight." I laugh nervously, and she nods just as I hear a truck pull up outside.

"Who's driving you?" Joni asks as I grab my phone off the charger and head down the stairs, her trailing close behind.

"My friend Louis! I'll see you tomorrow!" I wave as I rush out the door and blow her a kiss.

The second I step out my front door, I feel full of regret. Regret for going out, regret for not speaking up at lunch, and so self-conscious about my outfit. I didn't even get a ride from Zayn -- I got one from Louis. Louis, my little weed smoking alcohol loving friend who I adore yet feel slightly nervous around. I know he would never hurt me, but he's no Zayn where I fee like I could walk into a burning building and leave without a scratch.

"Holy shit Riley!" Louis gasps when I pull the door handle, and I quickly start to panic.

"What? What is it?" I ask, flailing my arms around like a child, worried that something is happening.

"You look so good." He smirks, and I quickly burst into a fit of laughter. I climb into his truck and slam the door, slowing letting my regrets slip away.

"I'm excited for tonight." I tell him, and he shoots me the brightest smile.

"I'm gonna get you sooooo wasted... or high. Or both. I haven't decided!" He laughs, turning onto Maddie's street. I slap him playfully, and roll my eyes.

"I'm not doing any of that tonight!" I remind him, and he nods his head sarcastically.

"Okay love, we'll see how long that will last." He teases, pulling in front of her house.

Louis parks his truck and helps me out of it, linking arms with me. There are so many people here, smiling and waving at the two of us. It reeks of beer and pot, and Louis is already buzzing which makes me laugh.

"Stop laughing at me." He nudges me as we walk inside. "I'm going to get you to have a good time and drink tonight whether you like it or not." He reminds me, and I nod, turning to the familiar sound of Perrie's laugh behind us.

What I don't except however, is Perrie laughing alongside Niall and Liam, who are standing with Cody and Nick, who are all circled around one particular person. Harry. My heartbeat quickens and at first I think it's love, but I'm mistaken-- it's anger.

"I'll take that drink now." I tug Louis' shirt, and his eyes go wide.

"Are you serious?" He gasps, and before I can respond, he's laughing, pulling me towards the table of bottles and choice beer, pouring me something strong.

I can't promise I'm not going to self-destruct tonight, but if I do I know who I'm going to blame.

Notes

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SO LONG! I have been so busy!!!!
i have ideas for the story tho :) so im not finished!

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