Riley's POV:

The rest of winter break is a surreal blur. I have left my house a total of three times over the past nine days. Three. Each time was for check ups at the doctor followed by meetings with my therapist who has been hardly getting through to me. The only person I want to talk to is Harry, and of course I can't do that because he still wants nothing to do with me.

Today is the first time I will see him, maybe. I don't know if he's returning to school, but I am. My therapist and everyone else thinks it's a good idea, but I think they're all bloody insane. Why would I want to go back to the place where so many horrible things have happened, where I have so many treacherous memories of Dixie, Seth, and all things wicked? The only positive is that Zayn hasn't left my side since that night when Harry ripped my heart out at Liam's, and he's assured me he isn't going anywhere.

As I make my way down the stairs, I receive sympathetic smiles from my mother who yes, is standing in the corner of the kitchen with a walker in front of her. She has regained full feeling in her legs, but is taking some time to get used to walking again and I thank God every morning that she's okay. My dad stands beside her with a smile as well, followed by Joni who is also smiling. So many fake smiles this morning, including my own.

"Good morning." I say warmly, my voice low. Ever since that day, everything has changed. The dim light that was inside of me went out completely, and now I'm just a shell of the old Riley. Inside I'm hopelessly in love with Harry, and everyone thinks that that is changing. They think I'm getting better, they think I'm benefitting from 'meditation' and all that shit. Little do they know, I cry myself to sleep every night still and he consumes all of my thoughts. I want to move on, but I can't. I won't. I shouldn't, because I fucking love him and seeing him today is going to stab me like a knife all over again.

"I think Zayn is here already, but you should eat breakfast first." My mom suggests, and I look at the clock. I did wake up late, so of course Zayn is here.

"I'm just going to get going. See you later." I sigh, grabbing my bag from the corner of the room and slinging it over my shoulder. I take one glance in the mirror and release a shaky breath. Who am I? I've lost a solid fifteen pounds in this short span of time, this grey sweater is far too big on me and my combat boots aren't even laced up completely over my leggings. Then I remember--Who cares? I have no one to impress anymore. Harry doesn't care.

"Have a good day sweetheart! If it's too much just tell Zayn and he will take you home." My father calls over my shoulder.

"Love you!" Joni and my mom shout at the same time as I slam the door shut.

I slowly make my way towards Zayn's truck, and I notice that Harry's car is still in his driveway. His room light is off also, maybe he won't even show up? What do I even say if he does? Do we speak? Do I break down? I don't even have many friends anymore.

"Hey Ri, you look beautiful." Zayn grins as I slide into the passenger seat of his truck. I give him a small nod and push my haie to the side.

"Do you think Harry is going to go in today?" I say in a raspy voice, my new voice. I genuinely think I cried so hard that my vocal cords are permanently damaged or something because I cannot get my voice back to normal. Zayn pulls out of the driveway and sighs loudly enough for me to hear before responding.

"Probably. Niall said his mum is going to force him to finish the year." He shrugs, trying to end the conversation there.

"Should I say hi to him?" I ask like a child, and Zayn rolls his eyes.

"No. He broke your heart, put you in a horrible position and ruined your life. I don't think he deserves your 'hi'." He grumbles and turns up the radio to drown out my questions. I look over to the side in disappointment and defeat and clutch my stomach. I'm so fucking nervous to go back to that place, what if they blame me for Dixie's death?

My first day of school without Dixie ever. What have I done with my life? Why has everything happened to me like this? My best friend jumped off a bridge after trying to kill me because of what? Guilt? And I didn't even go to her funeral and now everything is piling down on me and I--

"I'm not mentally ready to be back yet." I whisper to Zayn, but he can't hear me over the loud Ed Sheeran blaring through his truck. He's not trying to ignore me, but I know that's he also nervous to take me back too.

"You'll be great, I promise." He shouts over the music, and the rest of the ride is silent aside from the loud sound of music and my screaming fears inside of my head. I don't even know what scares me more, going back to school or seeing Harry... I think both.




Walking into the school, I feel weak. My arm is linked with Zayn's tightly, and I'm not letting go until I have to. I can feel some eyes on me, but nobody dares to whisper or point and laugh. It's quieter than usual, almost solemn.

"I know of a few people who want to see you." Zayn nudges me as he walks me towards my locker, and my heart flutters at what I see. Louis, Liam, Perrie, Nick and Cody are all standing there with smiles on their faces, maybe even tears in their eyes. Surprising myself, I unlatch my arm from Zayn's and rush towards all of them.

"There she is!" Louis' higher pitched voice shouts, and I immediately wrap my arms around his torso. I didn't expect to have Liam or Louis waiting for me here, but I'm so fucking grateful that they are. They chose me over Harry, that's pretty insane.

"I missed you guys." I say, exchanging hugs with Nick, Cody, Perrie and Liam as well. There is no awkwardness anymore, just a lot of love flowing off of them. When I pull away from Liam, I notice how silent the hallway is, too silent. When I turn around, the entire student body has their eyes on me, and smiles on their faces.

"Riley Cutler!" I hear a girl's voice echo from down the hall in a cheery manner. To my surprise, it's Maddie. Yes, Maddie, the girl who I have never liked that much but who has always circulated in my friend group.

"Yes?" I say in my annoying groggy voice, stepping towards Zayn and Perrie and awkwardly intertwining my hands with theirs. Is she going to embarrass me in front of the whole fucking school right now? After all, she was better friends with Dixie than me and--

"Everyone in the school," she gestures around towards many students such as Danny who is standing beside her now, "Would just like to say how happy we are that you're back. We know you had a really difficult year and we just want you to know that we're all here for you and sorry for anything we might have done to contribute to your... downfall." She whispers the last part, and tears fill my eyes. I'm left standing their dumb-founded, jaw hanging open and afraid to speak.

"We're glad to have you back, babe." Danny smiles, and the hallway erupts with cheers and the sound of students banging on lockers. I look up at Nick and Cody who have bashful smirks on their faces, leading me to the realization that they probably planned this.

"I... I... I don't know what to--" I stammer, covering my mouth and holding back tears. This is what I needed. I don't understand why it took so long for everyone in my school to grow the hell up, maybe it took me being raped and Dixie dying for them to do so. I'm not forgetting that they cyber-bullied but through those pictures and turned on me for no reason, but it's nice to know they aren't going to torment me for this anymore.

"She's very grateful for everything and excited to be back." Perrie speaks for me, shoving my hair around a bit. Before anyone else can say something, the bell rings and everyone snaps back to reality.

I look around at my smiling group of friends and let out a big sigh of relief. I can do this. And also, I never imagined having Nick, Cody, Zayn, Louis and Liam be in the same friend group was possible. Even Maddie and Danny are still standing here, smiling at me with something new in their eyes, hope? After all it is the new year.

"What class is first for you?" Liam asks, and I look down at my schedule.

"Math with Perrie, Zayn and H--" I stop myself before finishing that sentence. If he's not here yet, he wouldn't show up late, right?

"We'll be fine, I promise." Zayn scoffs, grabbing both Perrie and I dragging us down the hallway and into the doorway of our first classroom.

Stepping inside, I feel okay. Mrs. Penn gives me the warmest smile she can muster up, and I take my seat in the back of the classroom next to Zayn and an empty seat which usually belongs to Harry but it doesn't look like he's going to show his face.

"Not so bad, is it?" Zayn mumbles to me when class begins, and I shrug my shoulders in response.

"That was nice in the hallway... Surprising and fake, but nice." I give him a small smile, and he does the same.

"It wasn't fake, Ri. I think that with everything that's happened," he sighs, "I think that people are changing around here. It's like since those guys got here, a new world opened up. Some good, some bad." He shrugs, and I nod agreeing.

He's right, so much has changed since those four boys came to RHS. People are trying new things, becoming bullies, apologizing, corrupting... I don't know what it is, maybe it's from them? Maybe they're growing up? I wish my changes were positive, but they weren't. Things went upside for me, there's no denying that.

"Things will start looking up, right?" I whisper to Zayn. Just as he opens his mouth to respond, the door to the classroom slams and attracts mine and everyone else's attention to the front of the room.

Oh my gosh. No. No. No. No. No. No. Please tell me this is a dream.

I didn't think I would feel like this when I saw Harry. My hands are trembling and I'm scared and sad. My chest is rising and falling quickly and I want to burst into tears. He doesn't look good, but he doesn't look bad. The bags under his eyes are the same as mine, dark and heavy but his hair looks good... Fuck he always looks good.

"It's ok, relax. Please relax, Ri." Zayn whispers soothing things to me as Harry makes his way towards the empty seat beside me.

I try my hardest to keep my eyes pinned to the front of the room, but I can't do it. I follow his every movement, every step his brown boots take I watch. The love I have for him is so strong, so fucking unreal and strong.

"Hey Harry." I whisper, my voice cracking when I say his name. Zayn scoffs beside me, clearly frustrated that I decided to speak to him after he told me not to. I literally cannot help myself.

"How are you?" He asks lowly, his voice with no emotion. How am I? What a fucking question to ask. If he really wanted to know, he would call but then again, he doesn't want to know because he doesn't love me.

"I'm alright. You?" I ask, and I can sense his uncomfortableness. This used to be the guy I could count on to make me smile, to make me laugh about the most ridiculous things and now we can't even be near each other without being awkward. Love it.

"Tired." He replies, putting his head down on the desk, facing the opposite direction of me.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I respond, and turn to face Zayn. I don't even care if that was bitchy, because now I'm pissed off.

"Are you okay?" He whispers, and I nod.

"Over it." I sniffle, closing my eyes and focusing my attention to the front.

What else am I supposed to do? Beg him to speak to him? Pretend it's normal? I hate this. I hate it so fucking much and I wish all those things he said to me in the water still held true, because now they just sound like empty promises and broken dreams.

Harry's POV:

Everyone is clapping for Riley. Everyone is cheering for Riley. Everyone is in love with Riley all over again. I didn't think it would take this short of time for her old life to resurface, but it has a bit. She is loved, and I love that. I didn't leave this morning until she did, because I didn't want her to have a shitty start to the day.

What if she has moved on without me? What if things are better for her? These past days have been some of the hardest of my life, just waiting for time to pass so I could watch her come and go from the house. Some days she looks happy, others miserable at best. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm doing right by her, but there's something pulling me, and it's telling me she needs me.

I thought she would look better by now, at least a little. Instead, she's disheveled and her eyes are dark. There's no spark or light in her eyes, only darkness and unspeakable tragedy... and then we come full circle, because I caused that pain.

Niall swears I can make things better for her, but I think that's a load of shit. None of the guys will even speak to me, not in the slightest. They hate me for being so cruel to Riley, and I don't blame. I kind of hate me too.

"Mate, you have to go now." Niall nudges me from the stairwell, and I sigh. It's already twenty minutes into my first class, my class with Riley and her best fucking friend Zayn who has been to her house every day for the past 10 days.

"Fine. See you at lunch." I sigh, and the two of us part ways.

As I walk down the hall towards the classroom, I'm anxious. I don't know what I'm going to feel when I see her, but I hope it's nothing. I hope I feel nothing, so I can move on, but when I step inside, it's the opposite.

Riley sits there in the back, her eyes bulging out of her head when she sees me, and my heart yearns for her. I fucking love her so much, all I want is to run up to her, pick her up and never let go but I can't. She doesn't need me in her life, she doesn't need my negativity, my drama and my jackass demeanor. My feet travel towards the back of the room, and I feel all eyes on me, particularly hers.

"Hey Harry." She whispers, and her voice shocks me. I didn't expect her to say a word and it hardly sounds like Riley.

"How are you?" I rush my words quietly, feeling nervous out of my bloody mind. What I really want to say is, I'm sorry for breaking your heart, but it was for the best. I fucking love you so much and in a perfect world, I would be with you forever. But I can't say that.

"I'm alright. You?" She lies, and I close my eyes tightly for a moment. I'm miserable without you. How do I say that without being to forward? How do I let her know I'm hating everyday without her, but not make her feel bad?

"Tired." I reply, and immediately turn my head to face the other direction. That was so fucking stupid. I hate myself.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I hear her mumble with a sad tone, and my insides turn to fire at her attitude. I miss her sass, I miss her fucking sexy demeanor. I miss everything about her and I love her so much.

The rest of the class goes on with me having my head down, and I hear Riley mention to Zayn that she's 'over it.' I can't bare to think of my life without her, but she needs a life without me. Niall says different, but I swear that if I just give her time and myself some time, she will find happiness and I will find peace...

Or more eternal misery, but I can deal with my own demons as long as Riley doesn't have to face any.

Notes

sorry i haven't updated... super busy. i'm on break this week, but i'm also competing next weekend and i have lots of prep to do for SAT and competition as well as the other prom i got asked too! so i will try to update when i can, but this is my favorite story im writing so i will write as often as I can :)

please comment & vote if you haven't! when you guys comment more, i feel more inclined to update! xx