Riley's POV:
I clutch tightly to the hood of Zayn’s sweatshirt as he carries me up the stairs of my home. The distance pleas and shouts from my parents are drowned out due to the silent crying that is consuming the insides of me. I don’t feel a thing when Zayn lies me down on my bed and sits me up straight to face him.

“Stop crying like that, please. You’re going to end up back in the hospital.” He sighs, sitting down beside me and puling me into this chest. I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip, desperately trying to end the pain I’m feeling inside.


I don’t need you anymore.

I don’t want you anymore.

I don’t love you.


Harry’s harsh words and dark eyes haunt my mind, and every time I stop thinking about them they just drift back to me, stabbing me harder than the first time around. I genuinely think a bullet straight to the heart would hurt less than his words did.

And he thinks he’s helping me? How does he not see that I can’t live without him, that I don't want to live without him? All this time I’ve been looking forward to seeing him, for him to see me, and for our reunion to be something out of a fairytale… a sick twisted fairytale that is, but a fairytale nonetheless.

“C’mon Riley.” Zayn whispers, and when I open my eyes again they are pelted with hot splashes of water. I’m so numb I didn’t even feel Zayn undress me and carry me into my bathroom.

“I want to be alone.” I mumble, helping him pull of my now dripping wet top and pants, leaving me in just my bra and panties. If this was anyone else changing me, I would be uncomfortable but it’s my best friend. The only person who cares at the moment, and I mean really cares. My parents most likely resent me in the slightest and Joni is probably scared shitless of me. I would be scared of me too. Perrie went home, the other boys aren’t my friends, they’re Harry’s and I’m here now, dripping wet from not only the shower but from my own useless tears with Zayn by my side.

“I’m not leaving.” He states firmly, and I nod my head knowingly. I remain seated on the shower floor for a while, sobbing slowly but still just as hard as I was when I left Liam’s… When I left Harry to drown himself in another bottle of alcohol and perhaps his regrets, if he even has any.

“I love him, Zayn. Why doesn’t he love me back?” I sniffle as he lifts me up and wraps a cold towel around my body. He exits the room for a moment and returns with a pair of sweat pants and my favorite concert shirt that I have had since freshman year.

“He’s just screwed up, that’s all.” He attempts to convince me, but it doesn’t do anything but make me feel worse.

I change rather quickly on my own, rushing myself to just get to bed. I’m so tired, so sick and tired of everything. It sounds so stupid because Harry is technically the source to all the problems in my life, but he’s the solution to just as many. I want to be with him, only him forever and he doesn't even love me. He doesn’t want to be with me… Each and every time I think of that, I hurt even more.

“Get some sleep, love.” Zayn mumbles softly, shoving the blankets to the side and sliding my legs underneath them. I pat the side of the mattress, and he slides in slowly, wrapping an arm under my stomach and pulling me close. I want to lay like this with Harry, not Zayn but I need comfort.

“I don't want to wake up.” I whisper, and the loud cries return. “I can’t do it without Harry, I don’t want to.” I add, and he kisses my temple softly.

“You’re going to get through this Riley, and I’m not leaving your side until you do. Do you understand me? I’m not going anywhere.” He says firmly but with a soft underlying tone that brings the slightest bit of comfort to my painfully aching heart.

“I love you, Zayn.” I mumble, trying to give him the slightest bit of thanks. I’ve loved him for so long, but not in the way I love Harry. I love Zayn, but I’m in love with Harry, and the difference is painstakingly unfair. If I was with Zayn, if we didn’t break up sophomore year, maybe none of this would have happened. Those were better times, but crazily enough, I’ve also had the time of my life fighting demons with Harry.

“I love you too Ri, get some sleep.” He sighs, clearly still wide awake. I nuzzle myself closer to him and cry more and more until I can’t cry anymore, and everything is hurting. My eyes, my nose, my shoulders, my chest… everything.

Pain is unbearable; this heart break is unbearable and I don’t know how I will do this.

“We will get through this together.” Zayn yawns, reading my mind.

Together.

I can’t stop but wish that that together was with Harry and it wasn’t a plot to get over him… something I’m not sure I will ever be able to do.

Harry’s POV:
I wake up on Liam’s living room couch with a slightly heavy feeling on my chest… Sorrow? Regret maybe? When I open my eyes, I realize what the feeling is. It’s my duffle bag, with a note written on it.

Be out of here by morning, and don’t even think of bothering any of us for anything ever again… Not unless you fix the one good thing in your life that you’ve broken. –Liam, Zayn, Perrie, and Louis.

My, my, my, when did my friends become such pretentious douche bags? When did I become the outcast? I never imagined they would pick a girl over me, let alone Riley... but then again, I can't say I blame them. Fuck.

Riley.

It’s a cycle with me, things are going incredible and then I just have to mess everything up. As I storm out the front door, I struggle to put the pieces together from last night. The more I remember, the more it hurts.

The pain in her eyes was worse than I’ve ever seen before, she was literally shattering to pieces on the inside. I am the main source of pain in her life, I know it, she knows it and now everyone around us knows it. I may have no friends, no lover and no plans for my future but at least Riley will be better off, right?

Mindlessly, I drive the only place I can now. Home. I didn't ignore the fact that Niall's name was not signed on that letter from Liam, but I should probably keep my distance for a bit. What will I do when I go back to school? Fuck, I'm never going back there. I mean I don't know, I might. I can't shake the fear of Riley falling for someone other than me and I can't help but feel scared that someone could take advantage of her.

We didn't even have sex. My mind adds. It's true, Riley and I had done everything besides sex, and I told her I would wait forever. If I wasn't a harm to her, I absolutely would have never betrayed her, lied to her in saying I loved her and kicked her to the side. My blood boils when I imagine her now, sobbing tears over me to her best friend Zayn who let's face it, has never been my biggest fan and is her ex.

"Harry? Is that you?" I hear a weak voice come from the front door of my house. I didn't even get out of the fucking car yet and there are my parents, standing and waving and rushing towards me.

"Oh my gosh son, we've been worried sick about you!" My father smiles, pulling open the car door and then tugging me out by the corner of my shirt. My hungover body wobbles at first, but I find myself wrapping my arms around his shoulders and letting a few tears roll down my cheek.

"I fucked up so badly." I mumble into his shoulder and feel my mother wrap her arms around me from behind, hugging me tightly.

"It's ok sweetie, you can make things right with her." My mother whispers, and I glance backwards at Riley's house. Her parents' car isn't in the driveway, but Zayn's is. Her room light is off, and so are the rest of the lights. She's probably still asleep, or probably falling apart. I hope she's not crying, I hope Zayn is convincing her how much of a horrible person I am and reminding her how shitty her life was when I was with her.

"I can't fix this, nobody can." I whisper, pulling away from the hug and storming inside the house. My feet hustle up the stairs and I make my way into my bedroom, quick to lock the door and put a chair in front of it so nobody can bother me. I feel like a psycho, maybe I am crazy.

I don't know how I will be able to move on, but I'll have to. I don't want to, fuck I never want to live without Riley but this is my only choice. This is the way things have to be from now on. No more stress for her, she can leave that to me. I want her to be happy, and I know she's not with me. She thinks she is, but I'm sure she's just blinded by the way I live my life.

She's the shadow that will constantly follow me around through life, but I need it to fade. It has to, or else I don't know how I will survive... So now I sit in the corner of my room by my blinds, creeping out the window and waiting for her to wake up, waiting to see her face across the street just so I can have some piece of mind. I could watch her for a lifetime, but my time is running out.

I'm not happy without her, and she can't be happy with me. She swears she can't live without me, and I'm trying to convince myself I can live without her. What does a person do when darkness is overpowering their emotions and they're left with nothing but pain? They cry until they can't anymore, and that is what I'll do until my face is numb.

I wish I never fell in love with Riley Cutler, and I wish she never fell in love with me, because now we're both stuck, too far in and we're both too far gone.

Notes

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED ANY OF MY STORIES!

I have been so busy with school and literally just about everything you could think of, and it's not getting easier. I have spring break next week though so be prepared for more chapters. :) x

p.s Thank you so much for staying with me, I love you all! sorry if this has a lot of errors, typed it super quickly!