Chapter forty-five

“You lied to me!” I screamed at Niall. It had taken me a while to brush off the reporter and escape, untraced, from Harry’s presence, but somehow I had done it and managed to find Niall. I ripped into him like panther tearing the flesh off its prey. I could feel the horrified stares of people bearing into my back, but they were not enough to make me stop. Weeks of pent up frustration, hurt and anxiety boiled over as I raged in front of the crowd that had gathered in our secluded little corner.

“Sarah, I’m sorry I didn’t–” Niall tried to interject.

“Don’t give me that bull shit, you damn well knew that he’d be here.” I said, pointing my finger in his face when a realization hit me. “He was probably on the fucking plane with you this morning!” I backed up against the wall, leaning on it for support; I felt so betrayed. Betrayed by Niall, by Louis, by Liam for not telling me the truth, by Eleanor who I’d spent the whole day with yet she had never mentioned the truth, but most of all, I felt betrayed by Harry. I was so stupid. He was famous, he was gorgeous, but most of all he was charming. How could I ever have thought that he would give us another try? His words truly had meant nothing. He didn’t want to be with me anymore, he didn’t want to sort things out; he plainly just didn’t care, as he’d stated in his letter weeks ago.

“Sarah,” Zayn’s soft voice sounded and I felt his hand lifting up my elbow. I met his gaze and fell into his arms. I was still too stunned and angry to cry, but in that moment I desperately wished that the tears would come and just get it over with. “Don’t be angry with us, love, we thought we were helping.” He pleaded. Niall hung awkwardly back, staring at his shoes, unsure of what to say. I reached out to him and he took my hand, unsure of himself.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered, clearing my throat to try and gain some volume. “I get it, you were just trying to help and if it hadn’t backfired so horribly, I’d say that it was very sweet of you.” I tried to smile at both of them.

“Sarah, I’m such a dumb ass, please say you’ll forgive me?” Niall said earnestly.

I shook my head, “Of course, don’t worry.” I told him.

Just then, Louis came bounding over.

“Lads, we need to talk. Now.” He said.

“It’s fine, I know, Lou,” I told him, guessing that he was referring to Harry and his date. Louis looked anxiously to Niall and Zayn who just nodded.

“She saw them during an interview,” Niall explained.

“Dick reporter even had the nerve to ask her about it.” Zayn said, angrily shaking his head. Louis looked to me worriedly.

“How are you, love?” He asked me.

I shook my head. That was a very good question, how was I?

“Okay.” Was all I said.

Louis cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Really?” He persisted.

“Really.” I confirmed. “Let’s not let this ruin the night. You guys are up for well-deserved awards and so many talented people are here. Everything’s fine as long as we act like it is, so just carry on.” I told them, but they all stared back at me blankly. I rolled my eyes at them. “Guys… GO! You have interviews and photos to be doing, now get!” They all started backing away warily as if the second they turned their backs I’d fall apart. But I’d already resolved not to, I wouldn’t give any reported or Harry the satisfaction of seeing me like that.

--

People were now making their way to their tables, the show about to begin. I, however, was hesitating outside, procrastinating the awkward encounter. I hadn’t seen any of the others on the Red Carpet, but I could see them sitting at our table; Harry was there with them. Kendall didn’t appear to be with them, but that did little to ease my nerves. I took several deep breaths, but instead of feeling calm I began to feel quite manic.

“You alright, love?” Someone asked me. I looked up to see Ed Sheeran.

“Yes, thanks.” I said, although my heavy breathing and laboured pants negated my answer.

“You sure?” He persisted, looking around, probably for a medic.

“Positive, really.” I smiled, attempting to appear more normal. “Thank you.” I said, gaining some courage and backing away from him.

“Well, let me escort you to your table. Where are you sitting?” He asked me.

Well this should be interesting, I thought to myself. It was no secret that Harry and Ed were quite close mates. I myself had heard endless little anecdotes about Ed from Harry and no doubt Ed had heard about me.

“I’m here with Niall.”

“Horan? I didn’t know he was seeing anybody.” Ed said as he began guiding me over to their table.

“Oh, he’s not!” I laughed brusquely. Ed looked at me in surprise. “I mean, we’re just friends.” I said. Ed nodded.

“I see, well I’m Ed.” He smiled.

“Sarah,” I smiled back and he nodded awkwardly.

“Nice to meet you.” His face was so pleasant and warm yet so shy. Despite his reservations, I was drawn to his personality, and immediately saw why he and Harry were such great friends. “Well, here you are,” he smiled as he pulled out my chair for me. I smiled up at him and took my seat as he tucked me in.

“Thank you,” I said and he nodded once again. Niall sat to my left and I smiled at him but his face looked beyond anxious. Confused I looked to my right and made eye contact with Harry.

“Cheers mate,” Ed said, leaning in to talk to him. Harry stared at me for a short moment before engaging in conversation with Ed. I zoned out, staring straight ahead. At a table of ten people, I had to sit next to him, what were the chances? I noticed Ed walk away, leaving us all in an awkward silence. No one was willing to break it, not even Niall for once.

I took a sip from the water in front of me and then sighed.

“Guys, this is ridiculous. I think I’m just going to go,” I said, pushing the heavy chair away from the table and reaching for my clutch that I’d left between Harry and I. However, someone’s hand grabbed mine as I reached for it, stopping me momentarily, especially when I followed the arm and saw who it belonged to: Harry. He looked like he was going to stop me, and in that moment I realized that I desperately wanted him to, but his eyes soon looked defeated and his words were like salt to a wound.

“You’re right, I’ll walk you out.” He said, standing up with me. I raised my eyebrows, shocked. Everyone else had their eyes glued to our exchange, and no one dared to utter a word.

I rolled my eyes and smiled sarcastically.

“Don’t bother, it’s not like I can’t find my way out.” I snapped and sauntered off. I walked away briskly, my pace somehow ever quickening despite the pain caused by my shoes. I made it to the first tent on the Red Carpet before I had to stop for breath. I pinched the bridge of my nose, holding back the emotions that threatened to pour out of me like a tidal wave. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone standing behind me. Startled, I jumped and turned around to face him. It was Harry, of course. I groaned. “I told you not to follow me.” I turned away from him.

“I know.” He responded, his voice seemingly devoid of emotion. He stayed quiet for so long that the silence began ringing in my ears.

“So why did you?” I eventually asked. He looked at me, puzzled. “Follow me, I mean.” I clarified.

He just shook his head, looking away, yet took a step closer.

“I don’t know.” Was all he said.

I nodded, growing frustrated.

“That’s really all you’re going to say?”

“What would you like me to say?”

I glared at him.

“Start with the real reason why you followed me out here.” I told him.

He met my gaze, but defiantly remained silent. After several more minutes, I figured, why the fuck not?

“So I saw you with Kendall. Is that a thing?”

“I’m here with her.” Was all he said; aloofly. I widened my eyes in irritation. “I’m surprised to see you with Niall and not your professor. I thought that was a thing.” He said, and the words echoed in my mind like stinging hornets.

“Well, you never stopped to ask if it was, so I guess you wouldn’t know.” I snapped back. We stood there glowering at each other for far too long.

“How could you do that to me?” He breathed. He all of a sudden seemed as heartbroken as I felt. He looked ten years old and sad. I yearned to throw my arms around him, but I knew that wasn’t my place anymore. And then I also realized something: he was accusing me. My sympathy quickly wavered as he continued. “How could you do that to us? How?”

My blood boiled.

“If you pulled your head out from your ass, you’d know that that wasn’t the case. But you didn’t care! You did this to us!” I exploded at him. “And then, what’s more, you bring her here tonight? What the fuck’s with that?”

“Me?” he said, immediately becoming angry. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not even supposed to be here! I can’t believe your nerve! You just show up like things are supposed to be fine, after what you did! And then you question who I want to be with! How dare you?” He bellowed in my face. His eyes were like emeralds that had been cast in flames, cheeks flushed with rage. He was beautiful.

“I didn’t fucking do anything!” I screamed. It was in that moment that I truly saw us for the broken people we were. We were each half of a heart; halves that no longer fit together. “Just tell me,” I said calmly. “I just need to know, once and for all. Do you still love me? Because I love you.” I said earnestly. “And it honestly hurts when you say you want to be with her.” My question threw him off guard. He’d been prepared for the fight, and that was his weakness. I took advantage of his hesitation. “You said in your letter to not ask where we stand, but I can’t live like that and it’s not fair. So, do you love me, or not?”
He came very close, his lips hovering above mine. His eyes were beckoning to me, his pull magnetic. I longed to close the gap between us, to fill the space with our bodies. I wanted us to be a whole heart again. He cupped my cheek with his hand, and I leaned into it. My body was still tensed however, eager to hear his answer; desperate to know once and for all.

“I have to go back.” He said, and he turned away suddenly. I watched him run back to the gala but I didn’t follow him. On a screen set up in the tent I heard One Direction being called to the stage to collect their award. The lads all looked around anxiously for Harry and then the cameras caught him running up to the stage.



Everyone laughed as he made his excuses, being the charming man everyone knew him to be.
So that was it. I turned to leave the tent and this life behind me for forever. We were done, because he’d answered my question without ever speaking the words. One moment with him that meant so much to me, and he was able to equate to “having a wee”.

Notes

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