Chapter twenty-nine

I’d been laying in mine and Harry’s bed for probably just over half an hour, but I didn’t feel well rested. In fact, the peering sunlight that was streaming from between the shudders was making my head spin, which sent my stomach reeling. I curled up in the foetal position and just prayed that it would go away. Unfortunately it didn’t, and then Louis and Niall knocked on the door.

“Open up,” Louis called out.

“Breakfast time!” Niall chirped behind him.

I looked down at my exposed body and realized that I’d have to put clothes on.

“Give me a minute,” I told them as I began scrambling for clothes. I finally found a pair of pyjama shorts and a tank top that were close at hand,

making myself decent enough for their entrance. I opened the door. “I’m decent,” I told them. Although the ordeal of getting dressed had made my head and stomach feel even worse and I began swaying on my feet.

“Woah there,” Louis said, catching me by the arm. “Easy there love, back into bed you go.” He ushered me back down and the room stopped spinning so violently.

“You need to eat something,” Niall said, probably dismissing my weariness with hunger. I couldn’t refuse them as they set a lovely breakfast spread out on a tray before me and so, even although my stomach screamed at me not to touch it, I took a small bite of the toast.

“Thanks guys,” I said, urging my body to not upchuck. “It’s really goo–” I couldn’t hold the bile down any longer. I threw the toast to the floor, sealed my mouth with my hand, and ran through the bus, past Liam and Zayn where they were watching TV and mercifully made it to the toilet just in time. The downside of touring on a bus is that everyone hears everything, and they most certainly heard the agony I was in as I threw up repeatedly.

“Sarah, love, are you alright? Do you need anything?” Liam asked, tentatively coming in. I waved my hand at him without turning back to look.

“Please, just go!” I said, humiliated that anyone had to see me like this. Thankfully, Liam did not need a lot of convincing and he swiftly exited the tiny bathroom, firmly shutting the door behind him. After a couple more bouts of nausea, there was nothing left in me and I remained, dry heaving, for several more minutes. After that subsided, I felt that I was ready to leave the bathroom, even through my embarrassment at the idea of facing the four boys on the other side of that very thin, little wall. Awkwardly, I opened the door just a crack to see them all staring at me. There was no way I was going to sneak out so I decided to just get it over with. I threw open the door and planted my body on an armchair across from the sofa they were all sitting on. We remained silent for a couple minutes until I could bare it no longer and had to break the silence.

I cleared my throat.

“Sorry about that,” I said peering up at them.

“No, no it’s fine,” Liam, Niall and Zayn all murmured back awkwardly, not really making eye contact with me. Louis however, stared at me suspiciously and eventually got up and walked over to me. The boys looked shocked and gasped as he moved his hand to my forehead.

“Relax,” he turned back at them. “It’s not like she has the plague!” He looked back to me and rolled his eyes before finally placing his hand on my forehead. He left it there for a couple seconds, looking rather puzzled. “You don’t have a fever at all, love,” he said and then turned back to the other lads who looked far more relaxed at this revelation.

“Maybe we should call a doctor?” Liam asked, clearly out of his element.

“I don’t think she needs a doctor,” Lou said in a tone that implied something.

“Louis’ right, I’m fine guys. I’ve been feeling like this for two weeks now, it’s nothing to be worried about– ” I said before Louis cut me off.

“No, Sarah,” he said. “I mean that you don’t need a doctor to tell you what’s wrong…” he trailed off.

I looked up at him, my brows furrowed.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him.

In typical Louis fashion, he looked at the four of us dramatically before continuing. However, this was not his usual “joking drama”, he seemed quite serious.

“Sarah, do you think you might be – you know – you might be…” he trailed off again, but this time I got his meaning and began shaking my head.

“No,” I said, still shaking my head. “No, I can’t be, there’s no way,” I said, still unable to say the word. I looked to the other boys sitting on the sofa for support, for them to flat out dismiss what Louis was implying, laugh at him and tell him what a stupid notion it was; but none of them did. “Guys?” I asked, my voice growing quiet and strained with stress. I let my head fall into my hands. “I can’t be pregnant,” I breathed.

Louis sat on the arm of my chair and hugged my shoulders.

“Sarah, you’ll be fine, Harry will understand, everything’s going to be ok–” Lou tried to comfort me but I stopped him.

“No, no, no, NO!” I said, growing agitated. “I can’t do this to him again,” I breathed, letting a couple tears escape.

“Again?” Liam asked and I looked up. The four of them were staring at one another in confusion.

“Shit,” I sighed, realizing what I’d just said. In that moment, everything I was feeling was just too much; too much anger, too much shame, and too much pain. All in all just too much feeling of any sort. I didn’t say anything to the stunned faces before me as I ran back to bed, with sobs mounting in my chest that threatened to overpower me.

--

Once I was safely tucked away under my sheets and curled up in a tight little ball, I waited for the tears to come. They didn’t. Instead, I heard a knock at my door followed by the swift entrance of four large boys, all piling into bed with me. Louis sat on my right and rubbed my back while Liam sat on my left and held me in his arms. Niall stretched out by Louis, cuddling into the crook of my knees while Zayn lied on his side at my feet. His hands went under the covers and he gently and reassuringly massaged the arches of my feet and my toes. I felt so secure in that moment, I was instantly glad that they’d followed me.

“You know it’s going to be okay, right?” Liam asked me after we’d sat like that for a moment. I nodded my head, not trusting my voice enough to answer him back properly.

“Harry would never be mad about this, not ever,” Zayn said and that’s when I felt the tears start to come. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, barricading them behind my eyelids.

Niall misinterpreted my distress.

“Sarah, really, Harry will be thrilled!” He tried to comfort me; instead the tears just came with stronger force.

“I know he will! That’s the problem,” I said, my voice breaking all over the place, but I was unable to control it.

“But there is no problem!” Louis said, trying to cheer me up. “You and Harry will be great parents, even if the timing’s not what you thought it would be or what have you. Harry will be more happy about this than anything else in the world.”

I shook my head, trying to clear it.

“I know, and that’s why this is so awful,” I said.

Liam rubbed my arms soothingly and tightened his embrace around me.

“Why will it be awful, sweetheart?” he asked me in a placating tone.

“You guys don’t understand,” I sighed, beginning to calm down enough to speak properly.

“Then explain it, love,” Louis urged. I could tell that it wasn’t morbid curiosity that drove him to ask about it, but genuine concern and that made my story easier to tell.

I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves, and began.

“Harry and I had just started dating back in 2009, and it wasn’t too long before I was pregnant,” I paused, taking in the looks on all their faces. They seemed surprised, but that was about all. None of them looked shocked, or disappointed.

Liam rubbed my arm again.

“Go on, babe,” he urged gently. I nodded and chose my next words.

“We didn’t realize until I was a couple months along, but when we did, Harry handled it a lot better than I did,” I said, smiling slightly at the memory of how sweet he’d been and how much he’d loved our baby, right from the start.

It shocked me when Niall laughed. The others all gave him a stern look.

“What?” he asked, beginning to explain himself. “That’s just so Harry, he’d be thrilled! I think it’s cute!”

I laughed too, and the others calmed down.

“Relax guys, I’m not that on edge, you can act normally,” I told them before addressing Niall.

“You’re right, it was cute. He was beyond happy. He took on extra shifts at the bakery, looked into buying some used baby furniture that he could refinish – even though we all know he’s not exactly a handy man,” I joked and they all eased up a bit, laughing with me.

“So what happened?” Zayn asked quietly.

I sighed before continuing.

“We were ready,” I said. “So ready. We were discussing when to tell our parents, deciding on the arrangements to be made, where we were going to live. And then one day none of that mattered any more, because I lost the baby. We were on my bed and I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was bleeding – I’ve never seen so much blood – and that was it. The baby was gone and I’ve never seen that look of hurt on Harry’s face before or since. I’m petrified, that can’t happen again,” I breathed out, stress returning as the reality of the situation fell upon me again.

“I can’t believe Harry never said anything,” Niall said, seeming the most surprised of all of them.

I smiled gently.

“It’s not exactly an ice breaker kind of topic. It’s still hard to talk about, to be honest.” I explained.

“Did you ever tell your parents?” Zayn asked me.

“No,” I shook my head. “After it all happened, it just became too hard, and then Harry left and I was all alone. There was no way that I was dealing with my parents by myself.”

“Well, what about now?” Liam asked me.

I looked up at him in confusion.

“What do you mean?” I responded.

“I mean, how are you going to tell Harry?” He clarified.

I thought about it for a minute, debating what options I had in front of me.

“I’m not,” I decided and they all looked at me.

“Sarah, you have to, he has a right to know,” Louis argued, clearly adverse to my plan.

“No, I won’t do this to him again. If I lose this baby, what will that do to him? I would feel so guilty,”

I told them honestly. It felt so good being able to be honest with people.

“Sarah, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about,” Zayn said, gently squeezing my foot for emphasis.

“Don’t I?” I retorted. “It was my fault I lost the baby, it was all me.” I leaned my head into Liam’s
side and he hugged me closer.

“That’s not true,” Liam persisted. “Miscarriages sometimes can’t be prevented. They’re no one’s fault, no one blames you and you should never blame yourself,” he said firmly.

“He’s right love, it’s unfair to beat yourself up about it,” Louis agreed. “And just because it
happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again.”

“Even if it did happen again,” Zayn chirped in. “Harry’s the father, he has every right that you do to know. And he’d support you, everyone can use support,” he said soothingly.

“Assuming he is the father, right?” Niall asked. “He is, right Sarah?”

I laughed loudly at that. Niall always made things better, even when he didn’t realize it.

“Yes Niall, Harry is definitely, one hundred percent the father,” I smiled.

“Well then that brings us back to how you’re going to tell him,” Liam repeated.

I sighed.

“Seriously guys, I need some time before I can tell him,” I pleaded. This was all just too much to handle right now and, procrastinator that I was, I wanted to put it off for as long as possible. It had only been a couple days since Harry and I had had our fight about our future, the possibility of marriage and everything that came along with it. Despite Harry’s words of honesty being fresh in my mind, I held my ground. “I just need time.” I repeated.

“Well, we should buy you a test. We’re not even positive that you are pregnant,” Liam, the voice of reason, sounded. However we all flinched at the word ‘pregnant’. “Guys, sorry but come on, that’s what we’re talking about here!”

“Too soon, Liam. I’m still in denial over here,” I said and the lads laughed lightly.

“Point taken, love,” Liam smiled apologetically at me. “But you should take the test.”

I shook my head no.

“No, I don’t want Harry knowing right now but I also don’t want to have to know just yet, either.” I said, despite how irrational it sounded.

“Sarah, that’s ridiculous,” Louis retorted.

“I know, but I need time. I can’t know yet, I just can’t.” I said. The look in my eyes must have given away my desperation because Louis dropped it and acquiesced.

“Alright, alright. It’s your life you can do what you want,” Lou sighed, clearly unwilling to agree with my choices.

“Thanks, Lou. But that also means that this conversation never leaves this room,” I said, looking at them all seriously.

“Sarah, this might turn out badly,” Zayn suggested gently. “If Harry found out that we all knew, he would be angry and rightfully so.”

“But he won’t figure it out if you guys don’t tell him. Promise me you won’t say anything to him. PROMISE!” I urged them.

They all looked around at each other and nodded in agreement.

“Your secret’s safe, sweetheart,” Liam said unwillingly but reverently and he hugged me tight.

“Thank you,” I breathed.

Just then, we heard the bus door open and Harry walk in.

“Sarah, babe?” He called out, and we all went silent.

He opened the bedroom door and looked positively puzzled to see me in bed with his four band mates.

“Woah, what’s going on here?” he questioned.

I looked around at them, praying they’d give nothing away. And after a moment of tension, Louis laughed.

“Oh you know,” he smiled. “Just a bit of bonding!”

Harry had no idea how true that was.

Notes

Let me know what you all think! Also, I've been thinking about how to make myself update more regularly and I think I've come up with something! So I'll update minimum once a week unless a chapter gets four or more comments (from different users), then I have to update within 24 hours. Let me know if you guys like that :P The next chapter's already written so if you guys want it today possibly, comment away! please rate/comment/subscribe my lovelies <3