I looked down to see Harry's number flashing across the screen that now lay on the glass table before me. I'd been spending the day at Caitlin's and it'd only been a few hours since he'd dropped me off.

Winter:
"Hello?"

I listened quietly for him to respond but he hadn't. I glanced again at the screen to be sure it'd been him.

Winter:
"Harry?"

I watched as she walked in the room, pulling a tank top over her bra. Her hair was wet and I'd placed my index to my lips in motion for her to remain silent as I heard conversation on the other end. Obviously he'd called by an accident and I should have hung up... My day would have gone a lot better if I had...

Alex:
"Come on, tell me...and don't down too much of that. The hangover sucks."

Harry:
"I just haven't felt myself lately..."

Alex:
"Is it about Winter and the whole pregnancy thing?"

There was a long pause. He sighed before the exchanged continued.

Harry:
"Of course... I don't know, I just get so worried anytime she's sick or wants to go anywhere...I know I'm smothering her."

Alex:
"Then why did you go through with it?"

Harry:
"It's what I wanted..."

Alex:
"Wanted. As in past tense?"

Harry:
"To be honest I never wanted kids...I swore to my mom I'd never have them. And then..."

The sounds were secluded with movement. And then it resumed.

Harry:
"Then I met her..."

Alex:
"So you're saying you're doing this for her, not because you want it."

His voice became louder as if leaning closer to Harry.

Alex:
"Kids aren't like that, Harry. You have to be sure."

Harry:
"...I'm just confused okay. I feel bad now. Like its all my fault she's going through this."

Alex:
"Just talk to her."

Harry:
"I can't. She'll just worry. I'm starting to wonder of I was right for asking her. What if I'm a bad dad, because let's be honest I don't know what a good one is."

Alex:
"You'll be fine. Trust me, I know."

Another sigh.

Harry:
"I'm not even suppose to be drinking."

A chuckle sounded from the other end.

Alex:
"She's not your mom. Just slow down on the bottle mate. Or I'll have to drive you home...."


The phone was pulled from my ear slowly and thoughtfully. It seemed to had doubled in weight now as I lay it back into the tables surface after ending the call. I'd never felt so unaware...so lied to. It was that moment of secluded vision where the salt induced water blurred the iris without the owners permission. I wanted so badly for them to stop. For them to become absorbed and go away as if nothing happened. But they didn't. I felt stuck and alone. What about him caused me to think everything had been fine all of this time? My hands rested near my stomach as I resumed my continuous stream of consciousness. Hearing him be so honest with someone else about the things I lacked to know kind of hurt. It was painful...Like a thousand pricks to the skin to know he'd regret the night of his birthday. I cuddled my knees into my chest to rest my head there. I lived for two people now and I feared it was too soon for the person who helped make it.
She repeatedly asked what was wrong... but what did you say when everything was wrong? She hugged me in but she didn't smell like him. Her touch didn't comfort me because it wasn't smooth and enduring to the inner gravity. It wasn't what I'd both hated and longed for now. I pulled back wiping the damp substance lacking in color from my cheeks nonchalantly.

Winter:
"I'm fine."

It was a lie I'd grown use to telling... but who'd ever really know but I. I kept my voice from breaking so that she'd become at least a bit reassured.

Caitlin:
"You want to talk about it, Win?"

She always spoke softly whenever I'd been in this state. As if the noise would cause me to become broken as glass along her floor. She knew I was a pretty sensitive person now...but only when it came to him. I cleared my throat as well as the air that tussled between us.

Winter:
"...You mind if I stay here tonight?"

If she had yet to catch on I was sure it'd gotten through this time.

Caitlin:
"...Of course you can. As long as you want, okay."

I nodded so she wouldn't press the subject. I noticed my unsteady hands, looking at them thoughtfully before burying them in my hair with annoyance. The sudden signals of vibration shook the table, scaring me slightly. He'd been calling back now.

Caitlin:
"I'll make you a tea, okay. I'll be right back."

I took my inhaler from my purse, pumping it once as I allowed it to buzz until it stopped on its own. Embarrassment and a darkness hovered over me like clouds as I lay across the sofa on my stomach. He hated that...

I knew what I needed to do now. My brain swam with the conversation that was never meant for my ears to begin with. I'd allowed it for a while before blocking it out completely. I'd gotten up with her entrance, thanking her and allowing my fingers to stir the tea quietly. I wondered what it'd be like to be the contents of it...disposable. She watched me with a worry I couldn't appreciate now.

Winter:
"I said I'm okay Caitlin. Don't worry."

The phone began to buzz again but I'd grown use to it after the first few times. She watched as I ignored it staring down into the steam of the cup, knowing better than to comment.

Caitlin:
"...ok...."

--

I felt really cold in emotion. I held my head as it became dizzy.

Dr.Horan:
"Is this something your considering?"

He didn't seem to approve personally though that seemed to cross the boundaries of our doctor-patient relationship.

Winter:
"Just a thought."

Dr. Horan:
"Would you like to talk about it?"

He'd been talking to me softly. His familiar voice echoed onto the walls to be received by me.

Winter:
"Not really."

Dr.Horan:
"But this seemed like an exciting thing for you before."
My silence was an enough hint. I twirled my hair around as I thought blankly.

Dr. Horan:
"Okay. But do me this favor...sleep on it, alright. Think long and hard. We have time. I'll schedule you again for next week and if nothing changes...we'll move forward with it, okay."

I nodded before leaving silently.

--

Caitlin:
"Winter."

I ate the weird combo of fries with mac and cheese she'd made to accommodate my cravings. I'd never eaten in such a way, yet my body praised me for it.

Caitlin:
"Winter, he's here."

I ate slowly so I wouldn't become sick mid-bite like often I did. I was doing a considerably good job with pretending she hadn't said anything as I stare down at the platter of fruit she's given me on the side. She sighed before sitting beside me cautiously.

Caitlin:
"I know you don't want to talk about it...and I don't know what happened, but just talk to him okay. You don't have to leave if you don't want. But just talk to him..."

Then went my appetite. I'd gotten up without replying and followed her reluctantly to where he stood. He was gorgeous as he look over to me with relief. Something told me he'd asked her to give me that speech so I'd corporate. She'd left for the next room as I leaned against the wall farthest away from him.

Harry:
"...I've been worried about you... Where's your phone? "

Winter:
"Died two days ago..."

He thought silently before speaking. His eyes were apologetic.

Harry:
"Can we talk about it?"

He sat on the love seat of the living room. I didn't move to do the same, choosing to stay defensively where I was. I'm was angry with myself for still admiring him silently to myself. It didn't go unnoticed that he'd likely gotten little rest these past few days but I didn't feel sorry for him... because neither did I.

Winter:
"You don't have to worry about it, okay. I've already talked to my doctor and we're solving the problem."

I stared down at my hands which continued to disgrace me. I could tell he'd noticed it too. He was quiet for awhile. Too quiet.

Harry:
"You don't mean...."

I'd looked downward to the polka dot socks Cate had given me to walk around the house in. It was easier than taking in his reaction.

Harry:
"You're not doing that Winter."

I'd begun to dismiss myself when he stood to press me to the wall carefully. I didn't like the closeness; I'd force myself to think again and again as his touch pierced my skin.

Winter:
"Step back."

I warned sternly, but he hadn't obeyed. He never allowed me to shut him out. I wasn't sure whether to love or detest that information.

Harry:
"I didn't mean for you to hear that."

Admitting to lying to me wasn’t going in his favor. His green eyes burned to look into now.

Harry:
"Please, Winter. Don't say things like that."

Winter:
"At least I'm telling you."

Harry:
"I'm sorry, okay. I just want what's best for you... whatever that is."

He honestly said that enough for me to know already.

Winter:
"...tell me what you want."

I said it quiet and honestly. I wanted him to take the time to explore that and relay it to me. Because all I knew of his wishes was that they favored my well being.

Harry:
"...a little girl."

I felt slight relief at how sure he sounded but I wouldn't let my guard down just yet.

Harry:
"I think about it a lot when I'm holding Allison."

I knew exactly what he'd meant. I was sure she'd had that effect on everyone.

Harry:
"But I don't want to mess up, you know. Like my dad...I still get drunk thinking about it."

He wanted my participation but I hadn't known what to say. It wouldn't help if I did. His hand reached for my face to push my hair behind my ear.

Winter:
"We're not your parents Harry."

Harry:
"I know."

Winter:
"If you felt this why didn't you tell me. You're so busy worrying about me you don't about yourself."

Harry:
"I've just been thinking too much lately...it all began when we went to my mom's before."

His forehead was to mine.

Harry:
"I love her. I do, but she brings back those memories...it's why I don't visit."

Our closeness was intimate but I held a thin wall between it.

Harry:
"I just want to be with you. I don't want you to think I don't want this."

The thumb on his other hand rubbed my stomach sensitively.

Winter:
"I'm mad at you."

Harry:
"I know."

Winter:
"That made me cry. You said you wouldn't do that."

He hugged me in protectively.

Harry:
"I know, I know babe. I'm sorry."

Winter:
"I'll never like Alex now."

He laughed breaking the thickness of the air. We stood quietly and pressed together. He seemed quite reluctant to let me go.

Harry:
"...Would you really have done it?"

Winter:
"...no. I'm such a girl. That would kill me."

His dimples showed his approval with the direction of our conversation.

Harry:
"I want you to come home."

I looked down and away from his eyes. I released my grip to draw space between us.

Harry:
"You know I don't sleep..."

Winter:
"How'd you even know I was still here?

Harry:
"I called her."

I pondered that momentarily.

Winter:
"They always take your side."

I mumbled in a daze to myself.

Notes

Thanks for reading. I didn't edit much and my thoughts were a bit scattered today, apologies. But it's kind of long as promised. I'll be better next chapter. :)