The Au Pair

Harry didn’t even bother knocking when he reached Niko’s bedroom door. They were way passed pleasantries. He needed to talk to her. He needed to make her stay. He needed her. He froze in place in the doorway when he saw her. He watched as she furiously pulled out clothing from her closet and threw it into the open suitcase at her feet. It tore at him, seeing just how serious she was about leaving. He couldn’t let her.

“Niko…”

She quickly turned toward him, looking startled that he was standing there.

“Harry…”

He could see all the emotion on her face. The anger, the sadness, the longing. Everything she felt deep down.

“Can we… can we talk?” He asked her, letting his vision drop away from her as his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. How was he going to convince her to stay? What could he say to make the situation better?

“Okay,” she whispered and he looked back up into her eyes.

The distance between them could be felt both physically and emotionally. Harry wanted nothing more than to just run to her, to kiss her and love her. And to just have her for once – to just keep her. He wanted Niko more than anything, but he knew now more than ever it was next to impossible. With everything that was about to happen with Julia, he knew it wasn’t the right time.

Harry watched Niko for a moment. She stood in front of the closet with handfuls of clothes, staring right back at him, just as fearful as he was to make a move, to be the first to speak.

“Harry…” She whimpered and he knew he needed to say something.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said finally, shaking his head lightly, trying to swallow back the lump in his throat.

The thought of her not being there, of her not being in his life was paralyzing. And he knew it made him selfish, but couldn’t he be selfish for once in his life? Couldn’t he just hold on to her?

“We both know I can’t stay,” she said, looking as if tears were about to burst from her eyes at any moment.

“You can, Niko. You can,” he pleaded desperately. She needed to stay.

He watched as her face scrunched up with emotion as she bowed her head, shaking it lightly.

“Why are you doing this?” He breathed sadly, feeling as if he might cry as well.

“Harry, you need to focus on those kids right now. They need you more than anything. You’re all they have,” she told him.

Harry ground his teeth together, trying to stifle a bitter scoff. If that was her bullshit excuse, then she could just forget about it altogether, because her leaving now would only break those kids further.

“Which is a perfect reason why you have to stay! The kids need you. You can’t leave them… not after their mother…” Harry argued, immediately getting choked up.

“Harry, that’s not fair. You can’t just… you can’t use them against me,” she sighed, shaking her head as the emotion wavered in her voice. He knew it wasn’t fair, but he was desperate for her.

“They love you, Niko. They need you. I need you,” he told her.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!” She growled, stomping her foot against the floor.

“Niko…” Harry breathed quietly.

“You can’t do this to me, Harry! You can’t…” She wailed as her tears finally began to fall.

“What am I doing to you?” He asked impatiently, raising his voice at her out of frustration.

“You can’t… you can’t pull me back in by using your kids as bait,” she snapped.

“I don’t see why you need to leave in the first place. The summer isn’t over. Your job isn’t over,” he countered firmly, feeling the anger build up inside of him.

“What if I quit? What then?” She scoffed, looking at him wide-eyed, getting herself worked up.

“Don’t,” he said quietly, shaking his head. His heart was so battered and bruise. He was certain he wasn’t capable of handling this, but he knew he had to.

“Why, Harry? So you have a fuck-buddy for the rest of the summer? Huh? Is that all you want?” She shot at him, her eyes suddenly growing angry and resentful.

“Niko, no. Niko, what is going on?” He asked, his voice evening out as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He wanted to know her real reason – why she truly felt like she needed to leave.

He watched as she dropped the clothes in her hands and sat down on the bed defeated, ready to breakdown again.

“Niko, please,” he said quickly, closing her bedroom door before walking over to sit next to her on the bed.

“It’s better this way,” she said quietly.

“What is good about you leaving?” He asked, feeling the pain inside of his chest.

“I never said it was good. I said it was better,” she said quietly.

“Niko…” Harry sighed.

“No amount of you saying my name is going to get me to stay, Harry,” she snapped, raising her voice again.

“I-I’m sorry,” he apologized, hanging his head.

They sat in silence for a moment. Harry didn’t know what else he could say. And he didn’t know if he should continue to try to make her. It really was unfair to her, especially now when he was so emotionally unavailable. But that didn’t stop him from making one last ditch effort.

“Please, don’t go. Please don’t leave me alone with Mary,” he said with a smirk, trying to get her to at least crack a smile.

He succeeded when she let out a small laugh through her tears. She looked up at him and he continued to smile at her. She was crying and she was so beautiful. Everything about her was beautiful. Everything she did had him hooked.

“Niko, there is plenty I could say to try to get you to stay, but I don’t know if I should. I don’t think I’m ready,” he told her quietly.

He was in love with her. With every bone in his body, he loved her. But it wasn’t the right time. He was a broken man. He needed time to mourn the loss of his marriage, to mourn another failure. He needed time to help his children through it. He could not be selfish, no matter how badly he wanted to. He felt like he might break completely apart without Niko. But he knew if it happened, he would just have to build himself back up, piece-by-piece and hope she’d still have him when he was finally ready.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked, her face scrunched up in confusion.

“You said you have… feelings for me?” He asked her. He watched as her vision dropped away from his as a blush crept up her cheeks.

“Niko, please,” he said softly, taking her hand in his. She kept her head down, avoiding his questioning eyes.

“Nikola Banks, will you please look at me?” He asked her firmly. Harry watched as she shut her eyes tightly, the tears sliding quickly down her cheeks.

“Please…” He begged. She opened them and found his.

“I-I have feelings for you too. But… but right now – okay, right now I can’t… I can’t act upon those feelings. Do you understand?” He tried to explain without explaining too much. She lightly nodded her head, not saying a word.

“Niko, I love my wife – but I am slowly and painfully realizing she is not who I need her to be. She’s not who my kids need her to be. She’s selfish. And I need to work on letting her go. Do you understand? I need to sort through all of this rubbish in my head,” Harry explained as best he could. Niko nodded again as her face scrunched up with emotion. He was breaking her and he couldn’t stop it.

“Niko, please. I don’t want you to cry,” he said, pulling her into his arms, comforting her. She let her sobs escape as Harry held her.

“I’m so sorry, love,” he breathed in her ear as she cried.

His heart beat so heavy in his chest as tears stung at his eyes. He hated doing this to her. He wanted to be everything she needed. He wanted that so badly, but he couldn’t be.

Harry held her until her tears dried and she composed herself once again.

“I can’t stay,” she said finally, still determined to leave him. The beating of his heart was painful, but he knew there was no talking her out of it. She would leave him and he would have to let her.

“I do feel something for you, Niko,” Harry told her, cradling her face in his hands. She nodded her head minutely as she looked into his eyes. Harry leaned in, leaving a lingering kiss on her lips, hoping she truly understood how much he cared for her, how much he wished everything was different.

“Niko… I’m not asking you to wait for me – I couldn’t… but someday I’m going to get over the loss of my marriage and when I do, I am going to find you,” he said, giving her a small smile, trying to help bring her to the brighter side of things.

“It’s all I hope for,” she said, smiling weakly as she wiped at her eyes.

Harry leaned in kissing her again, not wanting it to end. He didn’t want any of it to end. But he knew he had to let it go. He stood up from the bed, looking down at the beautiful angel he had to leave and who would eventually be leaving him. One last glance and he turned to walk toward the door.

“Just… can you promise me something?” Harry asked, turning back to her.

“What?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Just please don’t leave without saying goodbye to Jackson and Avery,” he said, feeling the pain in his chest for his children who bonded so fast with her.

“I would never…” She choked out, looking further plagued about having to not only leave him, but his kids as well.

“Thank you… for everything,” Harry told her finally and she nodded her head somberly.

Harry kept her eyes on her for a few more moments before he left her room. He made his way quickly up to his own bedroom and shut the door behind him.

“Fuck,” he breathed as his tears hit him hard.

It was his second breakdown of the day and he was certain this one tore at him worse than the loss of his marriage. This one broke him apart.

…

After Harry got the kids ready for bed and tucked them in, he lay in his bed alone and lonely. How did he end up like this? What did he do wrong? His wife was gone and the woman he loved was under the same roof, yet so far away. He felt so raw from everything that happened and he was certain it was only the beginning. His life was on the brink of a major shit storm and there was nothing he could do but brace himself for what was ahead.

He wanted nothing more than to be with Niko right that second. Why did it have to be the end? Why did they have to say goodbye already? The words they spoke earlier seemed so final, yet Harry was certain it wasn’t over – that it would never be over between them. He didn’t want it to. He couldn’t let it.

Before he talked himself out of it, Harry kicked off the blankets and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He had to see her. He had to tell her he loved her. He couldn’t let her go without saying it. And he so desperately needed to hear it back from her.

The house was still, but he could hear the floorboards settling long before he even started walking across them, making them creak under his feet. Louis stayed the night and Harry could see the glow of the pool house lights through the big windows of the house. He was silently hoping Niko was still awake as well. But even if she wasn’t, he was determined to go through with his plan to see her.

Harry knocked lightly on her bedroom door, but received no answer, automatically assuming she was asleep. He pushed open the door quietly and slipped inside of the dim room, seeing her silhouette curled up in the bed. Walking over, he sat lightly on the edge of the mattress, admiring her while she slept. She was so beautiful and incredible and it hurt to know he would be losing her.

“Nikola,” he leaned down, breathing in her ear.

He knew she was a really deep sleeper, but he didn’t want to startle her awake. He continued to whisper her name in her ear until she began to stir. Her eyes fluttered open, registering his face.

“Harry?” She breathed, sitting up in the bed.

“Neeks…” He cooed, smiling contently as he reached out to gently brush the hair out of her eyes.

“What are you doing in here?” She asked confused, still groggy.

“I-I just wanted to be with you… you’re leaving. I just wanted…” He breathed, feeling the pain in his chest amplify with the acknowledgement that she was leaving.

“Harry…” She sighed, her voice cracking with emotion.

He couldn’t wait another second to touch her, to kiss her, to love her. His lips pressed firmly to hers, his hand grabbing gently at the back of her neck, pulling her toward him.

“I love you, Niko. I’m sorry I can’t be ready for you now. But I do love you,” he told her when they broke apart. It felt so good to say it out loud.

He pulled back to look into her eyes through the dimness. Her eyebrows were knit tightly together and the pain in his heart matched the pain in her eyes. A moment later, Niko broke down, dropping her face into her hands. Harry wrapped his arms around her, comforting her, feeling every bit of sadness and anguish she was.

“Hey, hey. Everything is going to be alright, Niko. I promise,” Harry cooed as he wiped her tears from her eyes.

“Harry…” She sobbed.

“It’s going to be alright,” he assured her.

“Gahhh…” She sighed, wiping at her tears.

“I just need you to know how I feel about you. You are so amazing, Nikola,” he told her as she looked at him with the saddest eyes.

“I don’t think I have ever felt like this about someone before. Not even Julia. You challenge me in ways that no one ever has. You understand me. You get my humor, because it’s the same as yours,” he began to explain.

Harry wanted her to know she wasn’t just some summer conquest. She wasn’t just someone to pass the time with, someone to tide him over. She was his rescue. She saved him.

“I fell for you hard and fast…” Harry confessed.

“Harry… God… I can’t…” She sobbed, bringing her hands up to her face again.

“I know. I know and I’m so sorry, Niko. But I couldn’t let you leave without telling you how I feel. I need you to know,” he told her. She was sobbing into her hands again and it brought tears to his eyes watching her fall apart.

“Niko… I’m sorry I’m making this so hard for you. I’m sorry I’m not ready for this. I’m sorry,” he apologized, choking back his own emotions.

“Harry, I-I understand. I do. I really do,” she told him as she wiped her eyes once more.

Harry leaned in, gently cradling her face in his hands as he kissed her again and again. As the kisses progressed, the two of them began to lose themselves in one another, lying back on the bed. Harry wanted her more than anything and needed her even worse.

“Harry...” She interrupted, pushing gently against his chest.

“Yeah?” He asked, pulling up slightly to look down into her eyes.

“I love you too,” she breathed. He sucked in a staggering breath as his heart exploded for her.

“I just… I just realized I never said it out loud,” she told him. Harry’s smile was wide as he leaned in, kissing her again.

“Niko, I want to make love to you,” Harry breathed, kissing up her neck.

He heard her take a shaky breath in right before she nodded her head. His lips met with hers again as he left a soft, loving kiss on her lips. He wanted to be gentle with her. He wanted it to mean so much more. This was their goodbye – or their goodbye for now, if Harry had his way. He wanted to give her everything he could while he still had the chance.

One-by-one, Harry slowly peeled away her clothing from her body, savoring every moment, making them last. His lips trailed up nearly every inch of her skin as she quietly moaned in response. When his lips skimmed up her collarbone, he was sure he could feel her heart beating out of her chest and it excited him on a whole new level. He loved seeing the effect he had on her. He loved knowing it was him who was the one to completely do her in. He loved every single second he spent giving her pleasure and making her happy. And instead of thinking about how it was the end, Harry let his mind wander, making up an alternate reality for them where they didn’t have to leave each other, where they never had to be apart.

As Harry removed his own clothing, he looked down at Niko and smiled lovingly. She was so beautiful all mussed up like that. Startling him out of his revelry, Niko sat up abruptly, grabbing onto the sides of his face. His heart skipped and stuttered as he tried to comprehend her sudden movements.

“You’re perfect, you know that?” She told him, looking straight into his eyes as if she were looking deep into his soul. And maybe she was.

All Harry knew was her words brought him to life and a smile erupted all over his face. Niko leaned forward kissing his forehead before she moved down, kissing his nose and then his lips as well. He loved her more and more with each passing second. Harry’s lips were hungered as they moved against hers and pressing her down flat on her back again as he hovered above her.

“Are you ready, Niko?” He breathed against her lips in the way he always did.

“I will always be ready for you,” she told him, sounding dreamy and romantic.

As he pressed inside of her, his feelings heightened for her. He would never have enough of her, in all of his life. He was sure of it. He would ache for her until she was in his arms again.

Harry took his time with her, going slow and delicate, appreciating every moment he had with her. And when they finished, they lay naked in each other’s arms, talking and kissing and just being with each other. Their eyes only closed when the sun started to peek through the window. She never left his arms, not once.

Harry woke up sometime later, Niko still wrapped tightly up with him. She was so beautiful. He could watch her sleeping forever. But he knew his children would be waking up and he needed to be the father now, rather than the lover. He kissed Niko’s forehead as he pulled himself up from the bed, out of her arms. Harry dressed quickly before he scrawled a note across a sheet of paper from her notebook.

“N– I had to get the kids up. I didn’t want to leave you – you looked so peaceful and beautiful. Last night meant everything to me. –H”

Harry folded it once and set it next to her on her nightstand in hopes she would find it easily. He swiped her hair gently out of her face letting himself watch her for just a moment longer. He leaned down kissing her lips lightly before he made his way to her door, slipping out quietly, leaving Niko to her dream world.

Notes