Everything We Had

Harry

Summer 2017 – London

Harry held Elise until she cried herself to sleep, until the tears drained all the energy completely out of her, until her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing evened out. She still had hints of tears beneath her eyes after she fell asleep and Harry quietly wiped them away, hoping she could find peace in her dreams.

He held her close to his body, not sure if he could even bring himself to let her move even an inch away from him. They lost so much time together and finally having a breakthrough was bittersweet. But it all came at a price – Harry was now privy to the horrendous acts her father committed against her for years. He felt sick about it. His stomach was tied in knots so tight that he could almost bet on the feeling never going away. Elise carried it with her all these years, keeping it to herself and now he was let into her world. All he wanted to do was protect her from himself, from his selfish adolescent ways back then. But what happened because of that was much, much worse than he could have ever done to her. He could have protected her if only she would have let him in.

His hindsight brought on an onslaught of memories – key moments that should have been red flags, but he never thought anything of it.

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Harry

Early Spring 2013 – Manchester

“Harry,” Elise breathed against his bare chest as they lay together in a hotel room in Manchester.

“Hmm,” he breathed lowly, his eyes still closed.

“Do you think we could just run away? Just get out of here? You know just the two of us?” She asked.

Her voice sounded hopeful, but Harry couldn’t help but think of how unlikely it was of any of that happening. He was diving deep into the musical world with the band and to run away at a time like this was absolutely implausible.

“Ellie, that’s just mad,” he breathed with a smirk on his face. She was adorable to want such things, but he knew they would never happen.

“Sometimes I just want to run away,” she breathed quietly.

“How come?” He asked, looking over at her in the dark.

“Sometimes it’s just hard. Sometimes there is a lot I just don’t want to deal with,” she told him.

“Like what?” He asked curiously.

“Just stuff. Sometimes I just want to run away,” she said again.

“You can’t run away,” he told her with a smile.

“How come?” She asked quizzically.

“How will I even find you?” He asked her with a smile just for her.

“You’d be with me,” she told him matter-of-factly.

“Mmm. Right where I want to be,” Harry said, smiling contently as he squeezed her in his arms.

“Yeah,” she breathed almost inaudibly.

“You okay?” He asked, catching onto her slightly morose mood.

“I’m fine,” she sighed. There was no crack of a smile or anything to really prove to him that she was in fact fine.

“Are you sure?” He asked, craning his neck to really try to get a look at her face.

“Yeah,” she said, looking up at him.

“El, you can talk to me,” he told her seriously.

“I’m fine, Harry. Just tired,” she sighed again.

“Okay,” he told her, kissing the top of her head as she tightened her grip around him for just a split second before her body relaxed again.

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Harry wished he knew back then what he knew now. He would have taken her with him. He would have saved her.

After a while, Harry had to get out of bed. He couldn’t shut his mind off. He couldn’t just lay there and let the thoughts of her father raping her pillage his mind. He slowly pulled his arms out from under Ellie and pulled the blankets up her body before he slipped quietly out of bed.

He pulled his boxers on before he tip-toed into the living room, turning on the side table lamp. He let his body fall lax on the couch with a huff. He couldn’t believe it. His poor girl. He felt the tears welling in his eyes thinking about how alone she must have been all those years. All those years he spent living his dream.

Stella came over to him snapping him out of his thoughts. She nudged her face against his leg, letting him know she was there. And he knew somehow that animals could sense distress. They were always there no matter what.

“Thanks, Stell,” Harry said, petting her head and she slowly let out a large yawn.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he told the dog.

Harry looked up at the clock – it was only a few minutes passed midnight.

Pulling himself off of the couch, shutting the lamp off in the process, he went to find his trousers on the floor and pulled out his phone. He made note of how peaceful Elise looked while she slept before he tip-toed into his bathroom, dialing Louis’ number in the process.

“Harry? Mate, it’s midnight,” he heard Louis’ scraggly voice come through the receiver and he realized he woke him up.

“I need to talk,” Harry said, his voice cracking with emotion.

“What about?” Louis asked, already on board to oblige Harry’s late night phone call.

“Elise,” Harry breathed as he leaned against the wall by the vanity.

“What’s going on?” Louis asked, sounding more alert.

“We had a breakthrough tonight,” Harry told him.

“That’s good,” he said, sounding optimistic.

“It is good. But she told me some stuff. Stuff that happened to her after I left… and before I left actually,” Harry said, trying to hold back the sob that wanted to escape from his throat.

“What kind of stuff?” Louis asked cautiously.

“Fuck…” Harry breathed as he felt the first wave of tears hit him.

His throat felt like it was closing up from the emotion that was rippling inside of him. He knew he had to take a moment, because he wouldn’t be able to get any words out any way.

“Harry, are you okay?” Louis asked in a concerning tone.

“No,” Harry breathed through his tears.

“Mate…” Louis breathed lowly.

“I just… this is so hard…” Harry choked out.

“Did she… did she cheat on you?” Louis stammered out.

“No. God, I wish. I wish that was all it was. Maybe then I’d be able to deal with all my feelings,” Harry cried.

“Harry, you’re kind of freaking me out right now,” Louis told him, his voice sounding grave.

“She… God, she… her dad… fuck,” Harry breathed, trying to spit the words out, but it was nearly impossible.

How was he going to say it out loud? He could barely think of it without wanting to throw up. How was he going to let those words out of his mouth without exploding?

“Harry,” Louis coaxed him.

“Her dad raped her, Louis. He fucking raped her,” Harry spit it out fast, his voice becoming a ragged version of itself.

“What?” Louis gasped, sounding absolutely horrified.

“He did. He fucking did,” Harry sobbed, quickly wiping at his eyes.

“Harry. Oh my god,” Louis said breathlessly.

“And I don’t know how to comfort her. I… it was my fault. I left her,” he cried.

“No. Harry, no. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s not your fault,” Louis told him immediately.

“I left her, Louis! I fucking left her there and he touched her. He touched her over and over again,” Harry cried.

“Harry, Harry. When did this happen?” Louis asked him.

“A couple of months ago,” he said lowly.

“A couple of months ago? How is that your fault? You were gone long before that,” Louis pointed out.

“He touched her, Louis, for years! He started doing it when she was–when we were together. I… I could have helped. I could have stopped it,” Harry said, wiping his runny nose with the back of his hand.

“Oh my god,” Louis breathed lowly.

“I wasn’t there for her. I-I-I… I could have helped her,” he cried.

“Harry, you couldn’t have known. She didn’t tell you. She didn’t say anything,” Louis reminded him.

“But looking back, there were so many times… so many times when I knew she was reaching out. She wanted me to save her. She needed me to save her,” Harry cried.

“Harry, I’m coming over,” Louis told him quickly.

“No. Ellie… she’s here,” Harry protested, knowing it might end badly if Elise were to wake up to find Louis there with him.

“She’s there?” He questioned.

“Yeah. She’s asleep. She cried herself to sleep,” Harry told him.

“Man,” Louis breathed almost inaudibly.

“I just… I needed someone to talk to. My brain… I can’t stop thinking about it,” Harry told him, pulling at the hair on the top of his head.

“Harry, just know there’s nothing you could have done when she wasn’t willing to let you in. You didn’t know,” Louis reminded him.

“I could have stayed,” Harry breathed and Louis was silent.

“She wouldn’t have…” Harry started, but cut himself off as he bit his lips together.

“Harry, there’s no use in dwelling on the past. You need to be strong for her now. You need to help her now,” Louis told him.

“Yeah,” he sighed, knowing Louis was right.

“You need to show her you’re never going to let anything bad happen to her ever again,” Louis continued.

“Yeah,” he said again.

“Just be the man you couldn’t be back then,” Louis said, which sent another wave of emotion through Harry.

“Yeah,” he choked out a sob.

“Harry…” Louis breathed.

“Yeah?” Harry asked, his voice coming out high-pitched, most definitely not sounding like his own.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said finally.

“Yeah,” Harry croaked, and nodded his head, even though Louis wasn’t there to see it.

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Elise

Summer 2017 – London

Elise’s eyes opened slowly because of the brightness of the room. Her bedroom was like a cave. She liked it that way when she slept – complete darkness. But she was in Harry’s bed. She was in Harry’s studio flat with the floor to ceiling windows in his living room that let in all of the morning light.

She rolled over finding Harry asleep next to her. He was perfect – his breathing even and content. It felt good to see his face. His face brought so much happiness into her life once upon a time. Happiness that she hadn’t felt since he left her world.

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Elise

Early Spring 2013 – Manchester

“Close your eyes,” Harry breathed as he drove them through the streets of Manchester.

“Harry,” Elise said, looking at him oddly.

“Just please, close your eyes. I want everything to be a surprise,” he told her impatiently.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep them closed,” she told him with a wide smile.

“I brought a blindfold just in case,” he chuckled.

“What? Oh my god,” Elise giggled.

“Just close your eyes, please,” he insisted again and she huffed lightly, but closed her eyes for him.

Just a short while later, his car was slowing to a stop.

“Keep them closed,” Harry told her.

“Mm-hmm,” she hummed through pursed lips, still tightly squishing her eyelids together.

She heard Harry’s car door open and then close and she knew she was suddenly alone in the car. She could have easily opened her eyes – just to see where they were, but she didn’t want to ruin Harry’s surprise. A moment later, her car door opened, startling her, almost causing her to open her eyes just to see what was happening.

“Are your eyes still closed?” Harry asked her, sounding hopeful.

“Still closed,” she told him as she smiled ear-to-ear when she felt him take her hand.

Elise let Harry guide her out of the car onto her feet. Moments later he was leading her through some doors into a building. The only way she knew they were going inside a building was because the sounds of the city faded away once they were in.

“Welcome, Mr. Styles. Miss Graves,” Elisa heard and again, she almost snuck a peek, but kept them closed for Harry.

“Thank you,” she heard Harry say.

“Keep ‘em closed, baby,” Harry cooed in her ear as they moved across the hard floor. Elise’s heels clicking loudly against it – sending echoes of it bouncing off the walls.

“Where are we, Harry?” She asked him, trying not to sound entirely too impatient.

“Keep ‘em closed,” he chuckled as she heard the ding of a lift.

“Where are we going?” Elise asked again.

“You’ll see,” he said, pulling her inside the lift with him.

“Harry,” Elise giggled as he pulled her flush against his body, kissing her lips once she heard the lift doors close.

“Can I open my eyes now?” She asked, opening one eye slightly – only seeing him.

“Elise! Keep them closed,” he chided her, letting out a laugh.

“It’s hard,” she whined.

“Fine,” he said, turning her around in his arms.

“Harry,” she whined as she felt the blindfold wrap around her eyes.

“You aren’t following the rules,” he chuckled.

“You suck,” Elise huffed.

“You look beautiful tonight, baby,” Harry leaned forward to breathe in her ear as he spun her back around in his arms.

“I wish I could see you,” she said as the lift dinged for their floor.

“Come on,” he said, pulling her out and down a hallway.

It wasn’t long before they were stopping. Everything was still. There was only a slight hum, which she assumed was from the lift down the hallway.

“We’re here,” he said as she heard a tiny beep before a door open.

Harry walked Elise inside of wherever they were and slowly took off her blindfold.

“You can open them now,” Harry said, noticing her eyes were still shut tightly.

Elise slowly opened her eyes, seeing a small table set for a romantic dinner by candlelight. And there were roses everywhere. There were roses literally everywhere inside the massive hotel room suite they were standing in.

“Happy two-year Anniversary, baby,” he breathed in her ear, suddenly standing so close to her.

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Elise sat up in the bed, pulling the sheet up against her naked body. She looked down at Harry, hoping her sudden movements didn’t disturb his sleep. Lucky for her, they didn’t.

She let her legs slide over the side of his bed as she got to her feet. She found her clothes on the floor by the bed and slowly picked up her bra and panties, replacing them on her body.

This was the time – the time to flee. This was the point where she’d leave and not look back – to dwell on the consequences of what she was doing to him, to them. But something inside of her changed. Something inside of her felt different. She didn’t want to be like that anymore. She wanted to conquer her fears. She wanted to get help and she knew Harry was the first step in this new journey she was taking. Harry would be her saving grace, her first step towards forgiveness and healing. And realizing that was the hardest part.

Elise stood watching him sleep for a few moments before she crawled right back into the bed, snuggling up in his arms. His warm body against hers was unbelievably comforting. And when his arms wrapped tightly around her, she knew she made the right choice. Harry was the right choice.

“Good morning,” Harry hummed quietly.

“Morning,” she breathed.

“Did you… did you sleep okay?” He asked, lifting his head up slightly to look at her.

“I did,” she said quietly.

“Mm, good,” he breathed as he let his head fall back against the pillow, still holding her in his arms.

Elise bit her bottom lip, feeling a bit awkward. She wasn’t used to waking up in a man’s bed and not immediately fleeing for home.

Harry leaned over to kiss her forehead before he slipped out of her arms and walked toward the bathroom. Suddenly his bed felt so empty without him in it and it caused her heart to constrict painfully in her chest. Why did she suddenly feel so abandoned? He was just going to the bathroom. But she couldn’t help her feelings. She told him everything last night. He knew all about her inner turmoil, about things she’d never told a soul. She just hoped he wouldn’t treat her differently now that he knew.

Harry came out of the bathroom a few moments later and she watched as he walked to the kitchen, digging in the fridge, completely ignoring her. Was he ignoring her? Her cheeks flushed and her stomach turned as distress flooded her. She felt almost crazed.

She quickly got out of the bed, grabbing the rest of her clothing, dressing quickly. She didn’t even want to look up at him.

“El,” Harry said, suddenly standing in front of her as she dressed.

“Jesus!” She yelped, looking up in his concerned eyes.

“What are you doing?” He asked, looking upset.

“Look, I just…” She said as she buttoned her jeans and slipped her shirt over her head.

It was a mistake ever telling him, because before, at least she knew she could count on him to make her feel better for just a night. But this Harry, this apathetic shell-of-a-Harry that she once knew was too much. He was someone she didn’t want to know.

“Please, don’t,” Harry sighed, looking at her with all sorts of pity in his eyes as he watched her finish getting dressed.

“Don’t what?” She snapped at him. Harry let out a sigh, resigning to the fact that she was about to walk out the door… again.

“Listen, Harry. I don’t…. I don’t need you looking at me like that?” Elise said, shaking her head.

“Like what?” He yelled at her, getting upset in a matter of seconds.

“Like you feel sorry for me! That’s not what I need from you!” She yelled back.

“God, Elise. God damn it,” Harry growled.

“What!?” She screamed.

“It’s not ‘sorry’ that I’m feeling. It’s guilt, for leaving you when I did. It’s unimaginable anger, toward your father and your mother and even myself. It’s… it’s sickness in the pit of my stomach thinking about how you’re about walk out of my door and probably never even look back. And… and I-I can’t… I can’t go through that again,” Harry explained as his shoulders slumped and his head bowed and Elise was pretty sure she saw the tears welling in his eyes.

She was stunned speechless, never realizing that Harry might actually be different this time.

“Harry,” Elise breathed, slowly walking toward him and she could hear him sniffle as he wiped at his eyes.

“I don’t want you to leave me,” Harry cried.

She stepped up to him, sliding her hand against his cheek and he looked up at her and she could see the tears in his beautiful green eyes, making him look even more handsome than she ever thought possible.

“I’m-I’m a mess,” Elise breathed out a warning.

“So am I… when I’m without you,” he whimpered as his chin began to quiver.

She took a few extra moments to watch him. She watched as a tear slipped down his cheek and she couldn’t help be feel how relatable his emotions seemed.

A moment later, she pushed up on her tippy-toes, pressing her lips firmly to his. Harry let out a noticeable sigh as he kissed her back and she could feel the tension dissipate from his body as they kissed. She did that to him. She was his relief. She was able to help him. And then she thought about how he was always the one helping her over the years and maybe, just maybe, that was what he needed now – someone to help him, to save him. And she wanted to be that someone. She truly and utterly did.

“I love you,” Elise breathed against his lips, having not said the words in so long.

“Oh, El,” Harry sighed happily as a smile turned up his lips and more tears formed in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, letting her eyes fall away from him.

“Don’t apologize, baby. Don’t. I love you so much, you have no idea,” Harry sighed, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

And that was enough for Elise. She knew he was enough and always would be. There might be days where things got hard again, where he’d need to reassure her of his feelings, but she knew she was willing to fight for it because she loved him. Oh, she loved him. More than anyone she’d ever loved in her whole life. He was it. He was all hers and she was all his.

Notes