Underneath

…The evening passes quickly after my discussion with Barker. I have chat’s with other people of course, but not the ‘talking to,’ I got with Barker. I felt that some people were watching me suspiciously, am I ‘for real?’ Maybe they were the ones who knew? Maybe they would be giving Harry a verdict later.

By the time the last guest leaves, I’m quite tired and glad the evenings over. Harry reads me perfectly and hugs me in tight. “Thank you, I know that can’t have been easy for you.” I snuggle into his chest. “Nothing with you is easy!” I laugh, reaching up for a kiss.

We move outside for a breath of fresh air. Harry perches on the balcony rail so we’re at eye level. “So, did Barker tell you all my dirty secrets then?” he asks smiling. I wink knowingly, “he certainly did! so watch it sunshine!” I admonish, wagging my finger at him. “I know everything now!” Harry laughs, but quickly turns serious.

“but really, you two were out here for a while, what was he saying?” he asks, voice a little anxious. I stroke his hair, trying to reassure him. “He said that underneath all this celebrity stuff you’re just a normal guy.”

Harry pauses for a moment, before asking “and do you believe that’s true?” I shrug unsure, “I guess I don't see it that way.”

This answer clearly isn’t good enough for him. “but…which of us do you love? the celebrity or the normal guy underneath?” he pushes.

I’m too tired right now for a deep and meaningful. “I love you stupid! I don't see two people.” I say flippantly. “You said you loved me on the first night!” he murmurs quietly, not looking at me.

He’s right of course and I blush at the memory. “That was a dumb thing to do I admit, I don't know what I was thinking.” I finish unsteadily. “You were starstruck,” he says matter of fact.

I bristle a little at the accusation and feel a fizz of fear…where is he going with this? “Ok, I guess that’s partially true. You were Harry Styles and you we’re kissing me! You’re also really good looking by the way! I love your face, I mean I reeeally love your face,” maybe that what I was saying?” I finish, willing this conversation to end quickly.

“Ah, so the subtext of I love you was really, I like the way you look?” he says watching me carefully. I note his hands drop away from my body. “What no! Forget that! You’re confusing me. The point is I love you now! that’s the important thing.” I implore.

“You let me do all sorts to you that first time,” he says accusingly. “So that fact you’re a closet sadist is my fault?” I bite back, hackles rising. “No,” he says reasonably. “You let me because I’m Harry Styles, celebrity meat puppet!”

I push him away, sickened with this whole conversation. “You know what? If I haven’t proved to you by now that I genuinely love you, then I don't know how I ever will! If I’m always going to be under suspicion of just being some gold digging fangirl then whats the fucking point?”

Harry stands up and clasps his arms round his body defensively. “Don’t swear! I hate it when you swear!” he shouts angrily.

“and I hate you finding excuses to push me away all the time!” I shout back, matching his intensity. “If you’re just a normal guy underneath all this celebrity stuff, then underneath that dress I was just a sixteen year old girl who couldn’t believe that Harry Styles was into her! A sixteen year old virgin I might add!” Harry suddenly looks away ashamed.

“What the hell did I know about love or sex…or the world you live in? If you were testing me then…well…I hate exams! What did I get anyway? F for fail? or F for fuck you for even trying!”

I step back and crash into a planter, kicking it hard in retribution. The dirt scatters across the balcony as the upended plant rolls to halt in a nest of shattered ceramic.

My anger dissipates slightly, replaced with shame. “I’ll pay for that! I say panting hard.”

I look up, eyes full of tears to see Harry looking at me in a way I haven't seen before.

Ⓒ SphinxWriter13 2017

Notes