Underneath

I lean over the bowl and dry retch, gasping for air in-between. This is the very last thing I can handle right now. Just for one single fucking second, I wanted to relax with Harry. Just be together. Him supporting me through a hard time. It should be simple! but it never is! He is who he is and maybe I can’t handle that?

I squeeze my eyes tight and try to block out the ghosts of those pictures. There was a glazed look in his eye, like he just didn’t care…and I can’t work out when it happened. What if I was ‘with’ him when he slept with those girls.

I retch over the bowl again when I hear a firm knock at the door. “Babe! we need to go,” he says. “You can go!” I scream, spitting into the bowl, “and don't you dare call me babe!” “No! please, we need to…” he starts.

I cut him off livid, “don’t you tell me what I need to do! Just get the fuck out! of…” he wrenches the bathroom door open and says with eyes full of tears, “Your mum called, its your dad.”

My dad was taken back into surgery. We drive in silence. There was a fairly heated argument about him taking me at all. Harry dabs his lip with a tissue. “looks like the bleedings stopped!” He says breaking the tension.

“Clearly I didn’t hit you hard enough then!” I say, irritated with myself for answering him at all. “Well maybe you can take another swing when we get to the hospital?” he says, an edge in his voice. “Maybe I will!” I shout back, my tone so shrill I don't recognise myself.

He pulls in and I jump out, walking away quickly. “Wait!” he shouts, catching up. “I’m coming with you.” “You’ll get a parking ticket!” I say striding ahead. “of course I’ll get a ticket, but the point is, I got a park,” he shouts, then lowers his voice as people start to notice.

He yanks his hood up and walks alongside me, head down, trying to be invisible. “I don't need you! you can go,” I say under my breath. “Well I need you,” he says gently and takes my hand.

We wait outside the cardio unit. I can see my mum though the glass doors wiping away tears. The nurse sees us and heads over. I turn to Harry, releasing his hand, “you may as well go now.” I know I’m turning the knife, but right at that moment, I just don't care. He looks completely lost and says, “we shouldn’t say goodbye on an argument…”

The nurse opens the door and I go straight in.

Me and mum wait in the family room till the op is over. Eventually, a flamboyant surgeon in green scrubs enters with a wide smile. “Great news!” he says hugging my mum. Everything was perfect! textbook!” I notice he's American.

Another surgeon enters. “Look, I’m gonna leave you in the capable hands of Doctor Fletcher here as I’ve got a plane to catch but, great result guys!” The American gives a thumbs up and sweeps from the room, leaving the diminutive Dr Fletcher in his wake.

She sits us down and explains everything patiently. The only bit that doesn’t make sense is that the surgery dad has just had was ‘private.’ Not under the public health NHS system. My mum immediately panics. “Oh, but how will we pay?” Dr Fletcher assures us the bill is all taken care of. “You’ve got some generous friends!” she says.

Harry, it could only be Harry.

It’s the early hours of the morning by the time I get out, desperate for some fresh air and daylight! As I leave, I see someone curled up asleep on the plastic chairs. It’s Harry, he waited for me…all night.

His arms are folded tight, his face serene and angelic. A warm hearted bad boy. So loving and caring when he’s with me, but then…wild and untrustworthy when he’s not.

Again that question, can I handle being with him or not? At that moment, he opens his eyes and looks at me with an intensity that breaks my heart. He stands and hauls me into a bear hug, lifting my feet off the ground, burying his face in my hair.

Suddenly, I realise there isn’t really a free choice in front of me at all. I need him so desperately it hurts…

Notes