Had to Walk Away

Rose was still asleep when I got back to hers, I contemplated waking her up again but I needed a moment to process what had just happened.
My phone lay on the coffee table, lighting up every few seconds with missed calls and texts and voicemail notifications from either Will or Terry. I didn't want to hear their excuses or lies, catching your husband in bed with another woman was one thing, but with another man was something else completely.
I couldn't get that image of them fast asleep and blissful out of my head; how I'd felt like I was intruding on them in my own home, in my own bed! But, I also couldn't get Will's revelation that he'd known about Harry and I out of my head either. Had it been his plan all along to set us up? Or had Harry been in on it and played along with wanting to be with me? Was there meant to be a moment where Will was supposed to catch us and I'd be disgraced and thrown out with nothing?
No. The latter scenario wasn't true, Harry may not have been my favourite person and his recent actions were questionable but I did know him enough that he would never do that. Or at least, I hoped he wouldn't. We had had a genuine connection, the sex alone was testament to that, and I was sure he had better things (and people) to do than to seduce someone's wife because he was asked to, and then to carry that seduction on for six months.
My head was ready to explode with scenarios and theories, each more outlandish than the previous and none of them I could confirm by talking to Will. A conversation with Will was not going to happen any time soon.
Rose became my super hero the moment she woke up and I filled her in, she said I could stay as long as I needed and offered that if I needed to get anymore of my things she would go for me until I was ready to go to the house myself. She was my shoulder to cry on and it reminded me that despite how I'd felt at the start of the year, I wasn't truly alone.
When the depression hit me again, it wasn't as hard as it had done before. I cried a lot and lived in my pajamas whenever I wasn't at work, but I managed to get dressed and leave the house for any shifts I had. I held it together well enough that none of the people I worked with had any clue that my life was crumbling down around my ears.
What I couldn't escape from was the nagging feeling that there was only one person I was interested in talking to, to have him hold me and tell me I was going to get through this. But, I hadn't replied to Harry's messages after the Wembley show and he hadn't attempted to contact me either. I wanted his comfort but I wasn't going to chase it when I didn't even know it was genuine. In the darkest moments, I even wondered if he hadn't tried to contact me again was because Will told him the game was over and he didn't need to bother with me anymore.
Pretty quickly sleeping in Rose's living room lost its novelty, and I started looking for my own place. She would never have said it but I knew she was pleased when I mentioned her coming with me to view some places. However, despite working more and more hours, the price of living in central London meant my only options were a flat share or miles away from Rose and my job.
"What are you going to do?" Rose asked as we left a three bedroom flat where two guys were living. I could almost hear their erections grow when Rose entered and they'd proceeded to ignore me and focus on her. "Because if you live there, I'm never coming to see you".
"I'm running out of options, but I'd rather live in a skip than live with Ant and Dec back there."
We decided that the answer to my problem was a drink, the sun was shining and for the first time in over a month I didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
"I promise I'll be out of your hair soon," I sat on the wooden pub bench with a sigh and took a sip of my ice cold lemonade, Rose sat opposite and waved her hand to signal I wasn't to worry about how long it took, "I mean it, I want my own space so I can actually start to move on."
"I still think you should just suck up your pride and speak to Will, he owes you somewhere to live at the very least."
She was right, but I couldn't bring myself to face Will yet. It had been over a month and I hadn't replied to a single text, phone call, and when he visited Rose's to try to get me to talk to him, I ignored him. I would eventually speak to him but for now, he was the last person I wanted to speak to.
"So," I looked up at Rose, there was something coming and I wasn't going to like it, "I ran into Harry last night." Trying to pretend I wasn't bothered, I nodded for her to continue. "He asked how you were, and said that he missed you."
"Right." my heart was thumping hard against my chest, I couldn't let myself believe he did miss me but the fact he'd said it was a comfort. "Did you tell him about Will and I?"
"Yeah, he said he'd heard rumours you weren't together but wasn't sure they were true." She was holding back something, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know what it was.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"We talked for quite a while, and I think you should contact him." I stared at her, mouth open a little in shock. "He really has feelings for you, Layla. I kept trying to walk away from him because I had work to do but he wouldn't let me. If I did manage to get away once I was back in his reach he'd corner me again and asked a billion questions."
"He knows where I am, he knows I'm not with Will, if he was really that interested he'd call." I drained my glass and stood to go get another round, something stronger this time, "I need to sort my life out before I contemplate dealing with Harry, who, if I may remind you, told me he loved me then disappeared to shag a super model. Maybe in a month or two, but for now I need wine and somewhere to live."

Notes