Prodigal

~2.19~

Once I got home, I decided to try and clear my head by the pool.

I did not yet have the courage nor the tucking abilities to rock a bikini, but I wore some girls’ shorts and a tank top swimming these days.

I felt the wig heavy on my head. I wanted nothing more than to take it off. I wanted nothing more than to relieve the burden it placed on my head.

My hands went up to my scalp, and they kept removing the pins that held it in place. Once they were all out, I slid it off and threw it on the ground.

After I began hysterically sobbing, I threw my hands onto my scalp, and ran my fingers through my hair. My short short hair that made me look like a boy. I willed it to grow faster but it wouldn’t. Even though I had stopped cutting it, it still was short.

I wiped my tears and saw that my fingers were stained black from the mascara-dyed tears. I splashed pool water in my face, knowing that it would ruin my makeup.

I took of my bra and put my hands over my chest, hoping I would feel boobs. But I felt nothing. Nothing but flatness. My hormones hadn’t done anything yet.

I placed my hand over my crotch. I felt a penis. A fucking stupid penis.

Take away my wig, take away my makeup, take away my bra, peel back all the layers and I’m nothing but a freak.

A boy.

A fucking boy.

Never before had I felt so trapped. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And once I realized that wasn’t possible, I wanted to cut off my skin.

I thrusted my body into the water, and the cool water hit my sun warmed skin. I sunk to the bottom where I laid at the floor of the pool.

And I felt no desire to ever come back up.

Notes

I have ZERO chill!