Incidental

Soft sobs is a small contrast of the absolute silence of the apartment. I don't know how to handle this situation, I was never taught. I just turn my emotions off and mourn on the inside. The only deaths I've dealt with is those of my grandparents but this is so far different.

This death was of someone who had his whole life to live. Someone who wanted to get married, father children, find a good career. It doesn't seem fair that this beautiful life was wasted, like a movie with a horrible ending that never tells you the absolute resolution. Keys jingle grabbing my attention as Sam appears from her room puffy eyed.

"Where are you going?" I ask very monotone.
"I need something for the funeral, so Blair volunteered to go with me." She speaks quietly.
I nod.
She stutters before approaching the door. "Uh, see ya."
"Later." I grumble.

In the last couple days, I think Sam and I have maybe said ten words between each other. It's not healthy, but I have no idea what to say. I rest my head back onto the couch, sighing deeply. If Cade were here, he would know exactly what to do, but he's not and I'm on my own...again. I let my eyelids fall shut before being awaken by Sam's gentle touch.

"Hey, Blair and I brought food."
"Oh." I hop up, voice thick full of sleep still. "I could use some food."
She smiles gently leading me into the small dining room. Blair sits silently picking apart a hamburger as I sit down.
"How are you holding up?" She finally speaks as Sam walks into the kitchen.
"I'm still in shock, I think. I don't really feel anything."
She sighs. "I'm worried about you both."
I look up at her from my burger. "Don't worry about me, worry about her."
Blair sighs, dropping the subject as Sam approaches the table again. She sits next to me mindlessly pulling her food out of the bag.
"Are you ok?" I crack.
"Yeah." She quickly responds. "Just hungry."
I nod. "Okay."

We eat in silence and I'm nearly losing my mind.

"Ok, look." I speak up. "This can't be healthy. You not eating, staying in your room all day. It's just not normal."
Sam slowly puts his food down clearing her throat. "What the fuck else would you like me to do, Harry?"
"Talk to me." I stress.
She shakes her head. "No. I'm just not ready."
"Sam, please." Blair steps in.
"I said no!" She shouts slamming her hands down on the table. "This is bullshit." She continues. "All of it."

Blair and I watch as she storms away, slamming her door moments later. I go to get up but Blair impedes my path. "Don't Harry." She speaks. "She's not handling this well."
"Yeah, I can see that." I sigh.

We finish dinner leaving Sam's food where she left it. Blair leaves but not before asking a million times if I'll be alright. I take a deep breath and approach her door.

"Sam?" I call gently, my accent breaking. I listen carefully catching the quiet sniffles of her crying. I take hold of the door knob, slowly opening the door.
"Hey."
She clears her throat, rolling over onto her back. "Hey."
"Can I come in?"
"Sure." She shrugs.
I walk awkwardly into the room, sitting at the foot of the bed. "First, I want to say I'm sorry." "For what?" She surprises me. "Cade was basically your brother and here I am acting like we were married 20 some years."
"But you loved him and you knew he loved you. It has to be hard dealing with the love of life essentially being ripped away from you."
Her tears begin rolling down her cheeks again. "I just don't understand why this happened or how."
"I know Sam, I know." I try to comfort. "I can't believe he is gone either."
She wipes her eyes harshly, taking a deep breath. "Was he going to propose to me?"
"Yes." I say painfully. "He had it all planned out and he was so worried I was going to ruin it." She laughs, a sound I haven't heard in some time.
"He loved you a lot and I know he wanted to spent the rest of his life with you because he talked so much about it and I'm sorry if that makes things worse but I really thought that you should know that." I speak confidently. I sense the bed move under her adjusting weight. Within seconds I feel her arms wrapped around my torso and head upon my shoulder.
"Thank you, H."
I pat her arm lightly. "Uh yeah, you're welcome. Now go get your food that you didn't eat." "I'm not hungry." She sighs. "I'm tired."
"Sam." I scorn.
"I'm tired." She repeats.
"Fine, but I'm going to go put that stuff in the fridge so you can eat it tomorrow."
She unlocks her hands and falls back into her spot on the bed.

I leave her room without another word, heading off to the dining room to clean up the food. Tomorrow was going to be a hard day. "Seeing" Cade again, comforting his Mom, and keeping a watchful eye on Sam. I needed an out, I needed out. So I scan social media for a good party and find a decent one a couple blocks away. I go to tell Sam I'm leaving but find that she is already fast asleep.

I hit the streets and easily find the thumping party. I enter into the house surprised at how empty it is. Being how nice it is outside, most party goers have chosen to enjoy the outdoor arrangement and the pool. I pour myself a drink and sink into a random couch. The party is lame and I don't stay long. Something is pulling me back to the apartment like I have an obligation to be there.

I check on Sam one last time before heading off to bed myself. I stare at the ceiling fan for hours before finally I drift off to sleep.

Notes