The Four Seasons,
Las Vegas, Nevada

The world is still breathing, still alive.
So why is it that I’m suffocating?
Why does the room feel devoid of air?
The glass falls from my hand and crashes to the floor and there are bits everywhere. All I want to do is sink into those shards; bleed, until I’m drowning in my own blood, until I’m choking on it.
What is wrong with me?
Why is everything pain and misery and sadness?
“Harry,” Liam’s voice breaks my train of thought. “Let’s go.” With that he pulls me aside, away from the glass and takes out money from his wallet, gives it to the bartender and drags me away from the bar. We head towards my room but I can’t keep my balance and start stumbling about and Liam is trying to get me to walk straight but I’m too drunk to even stand. That makes Liam angry because he grabs my shirt and slams me into a wall.
“Harry, what the fuck!” he yells. “Get a hold of yourself! That chick is bad news dude, don’t you see it? She’s got a husband and she probably has tons of other guys besides you and she’s using you! We’re your friends, man! We’re concerned about you. You need to stop doing this to yourself.”
Even in my desperate rage I know Liam means well. He just doesn’t know how to handle me anymore. He doesn’t know the way I feel about her. He doesn’t know anything in fact.
“You don’t get it,” I say to him. “You don’t get her. She’s done a lot for me. And I know she sounds like trouble and she is, but so am I! I pass out drunk just about every night, Liam! And I’m no stranger to having something on the side, either. So I’m bad news too, the same as her!” There was a time when it wasn’t like this and that time wasn’t so far back in the past—I’m only twenty-two, I have my whole life in front of me but I can’t remember the last time Liam and I have understood each other. It’s like I’m speaking one language and the whole world is speaking another, which is incredibly frustrating.
“I haven’t seen you mess around with anyone ever since she came in,” Liam says.
“You don’t know shit, Liam,” I say and try to shove him off but Liam hasn’t been drinking and therefore is stronger than I am. Who am I kidding? Even without the drinking he’s stronger than me. “You think everyone’s stupid but you, huh?” Liam says. “That no one knows shit but you know everything? When was the last time you gave a damn about any of us?”
The fuck of it is that he’s right about it all.
“Leave me alone,” I say and try to shove him off but Liam just slams me back into the wall.
“Harry,” he says. “It’s not the end of the world.”
What the fuck does he know about the end of the world?
What the fuck does he know about pain?
Or loss?
“Fuck you, Liam.” At this point I just want to get a rise out of him. I don’t even know why. Maybe that way he’s going to leave me alone. This is a Vegas hotel, we came here because we wanted to enjoy some time being free from studying and temp jobs. My own mother arranged the trip because she probably thought I would stop sneaking around with Natalie and find something new to sink my teeth in. What they didn’t know was that Natalie’s husband comes to Vegas frequently and every time she’s not with him, she’s with me.
“We’ve been here for a week,” Liam says. “This was supposed to be our trip! And you haven’t spent more than two minutes with any of us.”
“Well that’s because I’ve got a fucking life. Unlike you three.”
“Excuse me?”
“Come on Liam,” I say. “We’re in Vegas and all you do is worry about where I am and keep a track of where I’m spending every second of my time, and Niall’s such a loser he’ll stay a virgin until he’s thirty. And Louis…well don’t even get me started on him. We all know why he’s here.”
“You’re a piece of shit you know that? I don’t know why I even waste my time! It’s not like you’re going to get less stupid!”
“Oh so now I’m stupid? And you’re the picture of wisdom, Liam? We should all bow down to you because you’re so much smarter than the rest of us?!”
“Harry,” Liam says. “Look around you. You’ve got people who love you. The world is full of better women. Why’re you so hung up on her?”
“Leave me alone.”
“No,” Liam says, stubbornly. “I’m not leaving you alone until you get your shit together!”
This time, I gather all my strength and shove. Liam stumbles back a few steps and stares blankly at me. I guess he wasn’t expecting that. When he tries to touch me again I lodge a fist in his face. I guess he wasn’t expecting that either because he returns the favor and I’m left with a cut, bleeding lip and aching knuckles from when I struck him. “I said leave me alone!” I yell and go through the hallway to get to my room, rummage through the contents of my pockets for a keycard.
“Fuck you!” Liam says and I can hear his footsteps on the carpeted floor but I’m only focused on getting to my room and locking myself in there, when I crash into someone.
“Freak,” someone says and when I turn to look its some guy I don’t even know who looks like he must be a lot older than me and there’s a girl standing next to him who looks about my age and she’s the one I collided with. I apologize to her and she just smiles. She looks so innocent with her long dark hair and her big, beautiful eyes. It’s the kind of face you just cannot get mad at and I feel bad for crashing into her so hard, I know that must have hurt. The contents of her purse are on the floor, lipsticks and crushed makeup pencils that I stepped on while trying to regain my balance and I try my best to help get all her things but I can barely control my own movements.
“It’s okay,” she says.
I feel useless.
And it’s not the first time I’ve felt that way.
But I let her continue to stuff the items in her bag. “Once again, I’m really sorry,” I say. “Is there any way I can make it up to you?”
“Jamie,” the rude male next to her says. “Let’s go. We’re going to be late.”
I watch as they both go in the same direction Liam went and I turn my attention back to the keycard and finally make it to my own room. When I finally manage to unlock the door, I have a surprise waiting for me.
Sitting in the middle of the room on the very edge of the bed is a woman wearing nothing but sexy lingerie, who must be in her forties but she’s incredibly hot and her blonde hair shines in the dim lights of the room. At first I can’t believe my eyes. I can’t believe she’s actually here and if it wasn’t for the Coco Chanel permeating the room, I would have thought it was just my imagination.
“Baby,” she says, leaning forward and the front of her lingerie is showing pretty much everything.
I close the door. “Natalie.”
She gets up when she sees that I’m not about to go to her. She comes up behind me and starts biting my ear, she runs her tongue along the sensitive part and all my control vanishes. I’m nothing but a slave to her desires. She makes me sin. And I can’t help it. I’ve never been able to control myself with her. Somehow, she always gets away with the things she does. And somehow, no matter how much I hate her when she’s doing those shitty things to me, I always let her off the hook.
When she finally stands in front of me I’m going out of my mind.
“Harry,” she says and her fingers start deftly unbuttoning my shirt, and then she casually pulls the shirt away from my shoulders. Her mouth leaves tiny wet trails on my chest, driving me insane.
“Stop,” I say.
But she keeps going.
“I say when we stop,” she says and before I know it we are kissing, I’m tearing the lingerie off her body.
“You bitch,” I say, when she gets on top of me on the bed.
“Language,” she says and kisses my mouth. She breaks off and grins. “Did you see him?”
“Yeah,” I say, barely able to control my temper at the mention of him, but she is clearly enjoying it.
“Isn’t he handsome?” she says.
“Bitch.”
She slaps me hard across my face.
It startles me.
My left cheek starts throbbing. It’s the same place where only a while back Liam had struck. She notices my cut lip.
“Did you get into a fight?” she asks.
“Wasn’t much of a fight.”
“Who with?”
I hesitate.
“Who with, Harry?”
“Liam,” I say, almost embarrassed to admit it.
She starts to laugh. “Liam hit you?” she asks. “Why?”
“None of your business.”
“You saw me with him,” she says. “And you got jealous, is that it?”
“This must be a big joke to you, right?”
“No baby,” she croons. “This isn’t a joke. You’re mine.”
“And what about him?”
“He’s my husband,” she says.
“I know that,” I reply. “If I had any doubts remaining they were taken care of when I saw you fucking him in the bathroom.”
“It was just a little game we were playing.”
“Is that what I am? A game?”
“Yes,” she says. “But a very interesting one.”
She leans in and kisses me on the mouth.
“Why are you so angry?” she says.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Guess I’m not too fond of getting stood up.”
“I’m sorry baby,” she says. “He came back from work and said he wanted to go out. I couldn’t say no, it would have sounded strange and he would have known something was up. So, I had to do the whole charade with him.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m the one you’re playing charades with.”
“Did Liam say that? Because that doesn’t sound like something you would say.”
“What difference does it make?” I say. “You came here to fuck. So let’s get on with it.”
“Well,” she says and touches my erection. “All that alcohol and you’re still hard.”
“What’s your point?”
“Just that you want to fuck me just as much.”
“Is control really that important to you?”
She smiles and her long fingers cup my face and she kisses me again. “Yes.”
And then, she buries her face into my neck and starts biting my skin, harder than usual and I know it’s going to leave a mark. But a part of me wants that to happen.
At least she didn’t slap me again.
But when she goes at it, I can’t help but feel like I’ve come out of my desperately morose world and I’m standing somewhere high; someplace where I can’t feel the sadness anymore.
I know it’s only temporary, that everything with her is.
But I still can’t help falling into her trap.
At least I’m not suffocating anymore.

Notes