I really didn’t know what to do once the slam of the door sounded signaling Harry’s departure. I stood still, more than aware of the four pairs of eyes glued on me, before I realized with heated cheeks that their gazes were fixated on my neck. I had reluctantly taken a peek at my reflection before I showered, with wide eyes inspecting the harsh damage for myself. My neck had splatters of bruises forming, dark and painful-looking contusions tainting the pale skin in an impressive and also horrifying large amount of space.
Harry certainly knew what he was doing.
Biting my lip nervously, I collected my long hair in a bundle and brought in to the side, letting it cascade down the length of the front of my body at the right where hopefully it would conceal as much as my neck as possible. I dreaded to think what was going through their heads.
“You look like you’ve been mauled by a bear.”
My lips falling agape in shock I was right to dread their thoughts as I turned to Niall who looked as equally as horrified; whether it was because my neck was really that bad or because he’d realized he had spoke his thoughts aloud I didn’t know.
“Jesus Niall, way to be subtle,” Zayn said sarcastically, unable to keep himself from smiling little as he shook his head and patted Niall on the back.
I blushed furiously, my hands flying up to cover my neck. I began to trail out of the room, “I’m gonna go put a jumper on... or maybe a bag over my head, which over covers it most,” I said quietly.
“It doesn’t look that bad actually,” Niall said, “Not really,” he tilted his head to the side, staring my neck as he gave me a look of fax reassurance that was terribly unconvincing.
“Are you kidding?” I asked, “It looks like Harry tried to eat my neck.” I retorted quietly.
Laughter erupted around me, and confused my brow furrowed as I wondered what they were laughing about. But a few moments later and I found a smile tugging at my lips, their laughter infectious.
“Anyway, I don’t know what we’re all standing around being awkward for, I haven’t seen you since this morning, Birdy. This should be a joyful reunion!” Louis closed the distance between us, a goofy smile painted across his lips as I was huddled into his arms, my feet lifting from the floor, as he seemed to put all his energy into hugging me.
“Louis I think you’re suffocating the poor girl,” Zayn piped up at one point, but Louis dismissed his comment.
“Shush Zayn; we’re squeezing the awkward away.”
“Yeah well I don’t think Harry will be best pleased if he comes back and finds Birdy’s been squeezed to death, so unless you want to face the full wrath of our curly haired friend, I’d let her go.”
~*~
“Why the hell has Harry got no food in? Oi Birdy,” I turned my attention to Niall as he walked back into the living room with a frown etched onto his features, “He’s not been starving you, has he?” He questioned seriously, narrowing his eyes at me suspiciously as his gaze roamed over my face and then the rest of me, as if he expected I was shrinking and withering away.
“No,” I answered with a laugh, amused at his seriousness. “There’s loads of food in.”
“No there’s not. It’s like a ghost town in those cupboards, there’s not even milk in. Everybody always has milk in. Milk is a necessity and it’s not in that fridge,” he argued, “He’s been depriving you of the simple pleasures of life, hasn’t he? Milk. He’s a milk-depriver, is Harry. I knew he was a bag egg.”
I looked up at Niall, confused and amused at the same time, humour resonating in my eyes as I stared at his overly serious facial expression, and then I burst into fits of giggles as I processed his words, I could maybe think of a lot of things to describe Harry, I had on multiple occasions, but never once had I thought of him as a ‘milk-depriver’.
“Niall,” I laughed, “Are you okay?”
“ – Actually, Noodles nipped him on his finger earlier and he’s convinced he’s been poisoned therefore suffering hysteria of some sort, oh – and earlier he was boasting about being Irish and able to handle his ale, so Zayn and I may or may not have dared him to down a... few shots before he got here. They’re just beginning to kick in I think,” Louis chipped in happily, slapping a hand on Niall’s back as he patted him, his body nearly swaying over in the process.
“But either way he’s right, there’s no food in and Harry’s now officially a milk-depriver.” He nodded, “I’ll text him and let him know later.”
“We should go the shop,” Zayn piped up, “I want to get a few things anyway.”
They nodded in agreement, all including Niall who didn’t stop nodding.
“Can I come?” I asked abruptly, “Please, pleeaaase can I come?”
They hadn’t been here long, and excluding Liam who hadn’t spoke a single word to me, it was odd that I felt okay in their company. Normally when meeting new people I was nervous and shy and it took me a while to come out of my shell; but it was a pleasant surprise to discover that it wasn’t taking me too long to feel at ease in their presence.
I took in their faces of skeptics; their doubtful looks they exchanged with one another and Liam who had began to shake his head already.
“Please,” I continued, “I won’t do anything – you, you can handcuff me to one of you or just not let go of my hand or make me sit in one of those kid trolley seats, it’s – I just want to go out.” I’d noticed they continued exchanging looks, silently debating on whether I should be allowed to come with them or not.
I knew if they did let me it would go against Harry therefore making my chances slimmer, but I hoped I would be allow to prove they could trust me. I wasn’t planning on running away if I got the opportunity, it was not my intention to utilize the opportunity to get away, I just wanted to get out of the house in a trip that didn’t include me and my failed escape attempts and ultimately Harry’s anger.
A part of me wanted to show them that I wasn’t going to run away even if I was given the chance because a part of me wanted their trust. I didn’t want them to treat me like a prisoner and I didn’t want them to hate me.
“Please?” I asked timidly, pouting as I peeked at Louis with wide eyes. “I just really miss supermarkets.”
Louis rolled his eyes in a playful manner at my previous confession. “Fine,” he gave in, “But one of us will have to be holding your hand at all times, we could hardly handcuff you in public – though the trolley idea sounds quite amusing –”
“– Wait what? We’re not actually considering this, are we? Louis, you know she’ll run away any chance she gets – and Harry will kill all of us. It’s too risky.” Liam intervened, shaking his head with a serious and defiant look etched onto his features. He turned to me, eyes forming daggers as though he had sussed out a plan that didn’t even exist. “No. You stay here.”
I frowned at him, still not knowing the reason behind Liam’s obvious dislike towards me while the other boys seemed to have accepted me just fine.
“Liam s’alright, I’m trusting Birdy on this one, just give her a chance,” said Louis.
“Yeah it’ll be ‘right, what’re you so worried about?” Niall chipped in.
Liam’s face twisted in anger and feeling a nervous lump grow in my throat, my chest constricting I cowered away from the dark expression, not familiar with anger directed at me unless it was Harry or my mother. He then looked to Louis, then Niall, and then Zayn as if seeking reassurance or looking for some sort of back up. Zayn shrugged in response to the glare.
“Fine. When she runs and Harry goes on a rampage make sure you tell him I was against it from the start.” He snapped, “From the little episode the other day I’m surprised when we arrived she wasn’t locked upstairs, in fact that’s exactly where she should be now.” And then, with a final angry cast at me, he left the room and slammed the door as he did so.
Ouch.
Silence enclosed around us as my gaze dropped to the ground, head hung. I couldn’t help but feel disheartened, wondering feebly why Liam hated me so much when Harry’s other friends didn’t appear to have a problem with me. Silently I questioned his cold behavior towards me before second-guessing myself as I thought about whether I even wanted an answer.
I knew nothing about Liam and as far as I knew Liam knew nothing about me, other than that I was Harry’s prisoner. I was clearly nothing more than Harry’s prisoner.
A hand was placed on my shoulder, and I turned to look warily up at Louis. “Ignore him, Birdy. We don’t know what’s been up with him lately.”
“Is he okay?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine.” He insisted, but suddenly I wasn’t feeling all that excited about my journey out of the house.
“... Oh and Birdy, I think you better put a scarf on before we go out.”
~*~
Shopping with Louis I’d discovered to be a little different than the average shopping trip.
Since he’d announced happily that we would be using Harry’s credit card which he had left for emergencies even if he was only going to be gone for a day or two, he was gleefully flinging items into the trolley, from coconut scented soap to vegetarian chicken dippers.
From what I knew of, he, nor were any of the boys or me a vegetarian but I had soon stopped questioning his shopping method. Zayn and Niall didn’t even acknowledge the completely useless items and products he was throwing into the trolley, but on some accounts they were joining in.
Niall insisted we get three pints of milks just to get the point across to Harry (he was still slightly tipsy) while Zayn thought it would be funny to buy only gluten free marshmallows and stock the cupboards full of them for Harry’s return (apparently Harry had an unnatural hate for gluten free marshmallows).
We had been shopping for around 20 minutes and by that time I wasn’t even mildly surprised when the trolley was full to the top and Niall ran off to get another one. I’d decided I’d join in with wasting Harry’s money and Louis looked at me with an odd pride as I added to the pile of irrelevant products with countless bags of animal biscuits.
I shrugged a little, smiling innocently, dodging a woman that nearly knocked me out of the way in the midst of the busy people bustling around the isles.
“Fair ‘nuff, but you can’t beat a good packet of Jaffa Cakes,” he told me nodding seriously, “Grab a few; will ya Birdy?” He released my hand, him and Zayn standing by the trolley as Zayn mused over a girl not far from us and Louis reached up to collect more items from the top shelf. I increased our distance by a few meters, bending down as I avoided a trolley to pick up two packets from the bottom shelf.
I stood again, when I realized the trolley had stopped right behind me and an old man had decided to block the isle while he and another woman slowly scanned the shelves. For a moment, briefly I looked to my left to discover two police men talking to a shop keeper not even 5 meters away; and then I looked back to the two boys, watching the humour and playfulness suddenly evaporate from Louis’ eyes, replaced with worry and anxiety.
The trolley belonging to the old man and his decision to stop between Louis and I meant he was unable to reach me.
It seemed as if time had stopped still for a few minutes when in reality it had been no more than a few seconds; but then, I merely gave it not a single thought as I managed to squeeze through a tiny crevice between the trolley and the shelf stacked with biscuits.
My hand grasped hold of Louis’ as I placed the packets in the trolley. I didn’t look at Zayn’s expression, but as I looked up at Louis, my fingers entwining with his once more, my lips held a shy smile at his both surprised and evidently relieved expression.
Louis responded with ruffling my hair in a playful manner, but I knew there was more to the action, and it was showing his appreciation that I hadn’t took off in the opposite direction, crying ‘kidnap’ to the two men in uniform that I was positive would have been more than happy to help me.
~*~
“Liam you can’t even hold the fucking control properly there’s no way I’m being on your team.”
“Well I’m not having Niall, no offense Niall.”
“Course none taken, I’ll just be on me own team shall I? Niall versus the world, eh.”
“Niall, there’s three of us.”
“Shut up Zayn.”
“Anyway, Liam if you’d kindly crack a smile for a change, we’ll just have no teams since we can’t decide. Unless that is, playing with us destroys your moody façade.”
I remained silent throughout their boyish discussion, stroking Noodles as I tried my best not to make a sound, not wanting to be dragged into the argument.
“Whatever I don’t even wanna play I’m perfectly ‘appy eatin’ me crisps and watching you buffoons.”
“Cheers Niall.”
“I say it with kindness, Lou.”
Eventually I sighed shakily, quietly slipping past the hustle of boys, abandoning Noodles to the ongoing argument over of FIFA. They really were normal teenage boys (bar Louis, although I’d come to realize he defiantly refused to act his age), and I felt somewhat bad that they had been dragged into this… twisted situation even if I had no choice in the matter myself.
And Harry was just a normal teenage boy, why he had done this to me I didn’t know, why he had done this to himself I wanted to know.
Passing my bedroom I had an odd impulsive action to continue on to Harry’s. Quietly I pushed open the door and closed it, inspecting my surroundings, noticing that the various clothes and objects that earlier had carelessly scattered the bed and carpet now were neatly packed away in their rightful places.
I sat down on the bed for little while in the same spot Harry had been last night. The thought brought an immediate blush to my cheeks. Then, with fingers absently trailing across the cover, creating meaningless patterns I surveyed the room, the idea that Harry was just a regular teenage boy enhanced with what my eyes found.
There were no weapons lay out on his cabinet, no handheld gun hidden in the crevice between his bed and the wall to easily slip out in case he needed to access it quickly. There were no suspicious objects that I thought to be wary of, and most importantly no plan for world domination.
Harry wasn’t a criminal. Not really. He was a teenager, damaged and different but then so was I. He wasn’t a bad person; he had just made the wrong and irrational decisions that most would count him to be a bad person for. I didn’t want to believe he was a bad person though, I told myself there was some good in him. I knew there was some good in him.
Sighing I turned to look at the window behind me, my legs moving automatically towards it.
If there was one thing I was positive I liked about the way that my life now was and the situation I was trapped in, it was being able to sit in the window sill and stare through the pristine glass, even if while I did my mood had recently taken a turn for the worst and plummeted particularly low.
It was already strange for me… odd and different that Harry wasn’t around. I was so familiar with having Harry always with me; I had been trapped in the same house with him and only him (with the exception of Louis’ occasional visit and Noodles new arrival) for a matter of weeks. Turning around I looked to the closed bedroom door for a moment, half expecting him to walk through it.
My gaze returned to the outside world. I couldn’t decipher the tangled emotions playing havoc on both my mind and heart as naturally, left alone with my thoughts proved only danger. They were spiraling out of control; if I wasn’t refusing to think, I was thinking and thinking.
First I thought about why I hadn’t seized the opportunity to escape, grab it with both hands, as rightfully I should have. Then I thought about how much an idiot I was for not doing so, before then feeling somewhat bad that I cared so little about the consequences for Louis, Niall and Zayn, even Liam. Then I scolded myself for feeling bad because supposedly I was the victim in this twisted, messed up situation.
I was so conflicted, warring with the thoughts and myself in my head. There was a battle commencing inside my mind, ready to destroy me.
I was a ticking time bomb; and it was only a matter of time before I would explode.
I also thought about where Harry was and why he had left so abruptly. And I thought about what he was doing right now; how he was doing right now. And I thought about Liam and his coldness towards me. And I thought about my granddad and how I would never see him again. And I thought about whether my parents had discovered I had never attended University in the first place; I wondered whether they cared enough to look for me. And I thought about how I had managed to get myself in this insane mess, why it was me whom Harry had caged in his hold.
And I thought about the broken cup. And I thought about how I was a ticking time bomb. And I hadn’t realized I’d started crying until the familiar salty taste rolled over my lips, and I finally registered the droplets gently trickling down my cheeks.
“Birdy?” A small voice came from the doorway.
I turned to find Louis shutting the door behind him, a frown furrowing his brow. I didn’t know how long he had been watching me, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
I quickly gulped the lodge in my throat and wiped my tears; embarrassed I had been caught crying.
I cried too much.
“Yeah,” I said, my voice much weaker than I had intended, missing the faux reassuring tone.
I really hoped he would completely ignore that he had just witnessed tears dripping onto my cheeks, but as he began walking towards me and quietly perched him on the edge of the bed I knew immediately that would be highly unlikely. I knew it wasn’t often Louis displayed a ‘serious’ side, but right now I just wished he would crack a joke to rid the awkward atmosphere.
I wasn’t in a talkative mood; I didn’t want to have to explain myself. I didn’t know what I was feeling, how could I begin to explain myself when I knew little of what was currently happening inside my head?
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I answered impulsively.
Unconvinced he dismissed my answer. “Do you miss your family?” He asked tentatively, presuming the topic was a touchy one.
I almost smiled, remembering when he had asked me the very same question when my granddad had died. I felt both happy and sad as I figured Louis must have been very close with his own family to jump to that immediate assumption twice. In my situation I imagined that would be what Louis would worry most about.
I shook my head, admitting in a small voice, “No.”
A frown crinkled his brow as he tried nodding understandingly, “Y’know, I don’t know your parents, but I get the feeling they can’t be very nice people. I know that I’d miss you parents if I was you.”
It was going to be a long discussion that I didn’t know whether my brain would cope handling.
Shrugging lightly I wiped at my cheeks again, the tears continuing to leak onto my cheeks. “They are – they, they’re good people really, my mum – she just, she’s a bit misguided. She seems to know what she thinks is best for me and it’s really not. I’m not the person she wants me to be, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.”
“That definitely doesn’t make you a bad person.” He shot back immediately.
I smiled weakly, “Disappointing your mother hardly puts me on the nice list.” I said, laughing halfheartedly. “Anyway,” I sniffed, wiping more, “It doesn’t matter. Everything that used to matter doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Why not?” He asked quietly.
I shrugged again, “Everything’s wrong.” I said in a small voice, “Everything’s… I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t think I can do this anymore.” I whimpered.
I hadn’t even really known the real reason for crying, but the emotions sprung upon me from nowhere and gradually began demolishing every ounce of happiness I had felt prior. Whether it was a coincidence or not Harry’s abrupt departure took place when my mind decided to spiral out of control even more so than usual, deeming me both physically and mentally drained.
I was so tired of chasing my sanity I allowed to let it slip.
Harry was right, it occurred to me, when all those days ago he had claimed the human mind was a deathtrap. Over-thinking was deadly; it was tearing me apart at the seams.
Stop it, I ordered weakly, stop it.
“Ugh,” I grunted frustrated, wiping furiously at the cold tears lacing my cheeks.
From the corner of my eye I noticed Louis had silently stood from the bed, his movements seemingly timid and uncertain as he began to close the distance a little. “Birdy you’re allowed to be upset.” He told me softly; sounding somewhat upset himself that I believed I had no right to be annoyed at myself for crying yet again. I had never cried so much in my entire life while in the company of others.
I had never in my life felt so weak; so vulnerable.
“No I’m not.” I mumbled, releasing a sigh.
I looked at Louis with watery eyes, noting his own sad, sympathetic eyes. “Stop looking at me like that,” I said weakly, a sudden wave of sadness washing over me. I wanted nothing more than to cry and bury myself in a pile of warm blankets and heavy sorrows and maybe multiple cups of hot tea.
All anxieties and past doubts that seemed so distant were abruptly resurfacing, much closer than I anticipated. I feared I was losing my mind, I really did. Harry’s lack of presence was having the strangest affect on me, it seemed that his sudden absence had triggered something within me and I was unable to control the spiraling consequence.
“Birdy, if I was in your situation I wouldn’t know what I’d do. I definitely wouldn’t be handling it as well as you, Harry’s my best mate but I know better than anyone he can be a handful sometimes, more than a handful. You’re allowed to cry.”
I brought my knees to my chest and rested my head on them, stubbornly shaking it. “I cry too much.”
Louis came closer, crossing his arms he leant on the windowsill now not even a meter away from me. For a few moments he surveyed me as if I was a mildly interesting specimen under a microscope, and then he soaked in my cheeks laced with tears, my eyes that seemed to hold unfathomable sadness, all happiness that was sparkling in the midst of my bright blue orbs disappeared.
His expression sunk, and if possible the sympathy etched onto his face increased dramatically. “You’re not very kind to yourself,” he murmured, with a small frown looking at me in disapproval and sadness.
I sensed what was coming. He was going to try and unfold the reasons behind why I was the way I was; unpick me like a puzzle. For the benefit of myself I didn’t know; for that he genuinely cared or just to report back to Harry, what did it matter?
I didn’t have the energy to explain myself. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
“Look,” I mumbled weakly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t – I don’t even know why I’m crying. You don’t deserve to have all this put on you, I’m fine honestly – I just think I’m going to go to bed.” My voice trailed off towards the end into nothing more than a whisper as the lump in my throat made it hard for me to speak clearly if not at all.
Though I didn’t have the chance to begin my escape to my room, Louis seemed to have an answer for everything. He sighed again. “You need to speak about it, you need to let it out, if you don’t you’re just gonna explode. It’s a lot to keep bottled up.”
I reigned in a shaky breath; you’re just gonna explode.
Like a ticking time bomb.
Falling into silence, it occurred to me that earlier I was just fine. I woke in a good mood following last night, even if I was confused and frustrated later on, Harry had taken my mind of it somehow like he always did. And then later I was fine shopping, finding Louis’ tactics amusing as he threw various items into the trolley. I hated how fast my moods could change; I hated how earlier everything was fine and now it seemed I was crumbling.
Damn Harry for kidnapping me, I thought suddenly. Damn Harry for keeping me locked up and confusing me so much, damn Harry for throwing me into a twisted situation that fogged my brain with tangled thoughts and contradicting questions.
And damn Harry for leaving so abruptly with no explanation.
I felt as if I had some sort of comfort or reassurance when Harry was around; he was the one who had caused such conflicting emotions but he was also the one who was always there ready to wrap his arms around my small frame to nurse me to sleep.
Harry was always there, only not now.
“Where is he?” I asked weakly, peeking up at Louis from my knees, tears continuing to drip onto my cheeks. “Why’s he gone?”
I felt lost knowing he wasn’t downstairs, knowing he wouldn’t be able to come into the room right now and question softly on why there were tears falling profusely. He hadn’t even been gone all that long, nor would he be, only for a day or two but still I was left almost lost with his absence.
I felt pathetic, alone and pathetic and downright confused.
I wanted to tear my hair out in frustration due to the many thoughts roaming my head along with the many emotions I knew weren’t normal for me to be feeling; while also wanting to sink into a bundle of heavy bedcovers as tears soaked my pillow and I cried for my ever-growing confusion and vulnerability.
My head was a blubbering mess and that was the kindest way of putting it.
Louis offered me a small smile. “He’s just sorting some stuff out,” he said unhelpfully, giving me absolutely no information on where he was or what he was doing.
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand a final time, ordering myself to regain my little composure. I smiled weakly, “That’s not helpful.”
“I know,” he smiled back, “he’s taking care of a few things but he’ll be back tomorrow I think.”
I nodded my head, beginning to climb down from the window, “I think I’m go–”
I planned on heading towards my room in hope of falling into a deep sleep that buried my worries and heavy thoughts, but Louis cut me off before I could even suggest the idea. He gently caught my arm and then helped me down, a hand on the small of my back as I was led out of the room.
“We’re both going downstairs. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now.”
Louis blatantly disregarded my futile protests, leading me down the stairs and into the living room.
“Louis please, I just want to go to b –”
“What’s up? What’s going on?”
“Birdy?”
“What’ve you done, Lou?”
I felt my already flustered cheeks flame with heat as I tried turning around, embarrassed that I was once again crying in the presence of others.
Damn my stubborn tears.
“Lou –”
“Sit down and shut up. We’re gonna hug it out whether you like it or not.” I managed the weakest of smiles as reluctantly I sat on the couch with Louis’ arms wrapped tightly around me.
“I don’t know what to say.” He mumbled quietly and seriously a few minutes later, when everyone around me tried his or her best to act like there was not a crying kidnappee on the couch.
“Don’t say anything.” I pleaded quietly, wanting the meaningless noise from the others to surround is in hope my brain might turn itself off in response, all thoughts still and silent and practically nonexistent.
And eventually, my eyelids closed as I waited patiently for sleep to consume me; knowing full well my sanity had drifted away because all that I could think about was how mad I was at Harry, for leaving me alone when I felt like I needed him most.

Notes

:o I don’t know how I feel about the ending so I’ll just leave that up to y’all to decide
but anyway does everyone like the boys’ characters? I know there isn’t much Liam but I’m working on it:]
this chapter is kind of weird because it tried to make it happy and then it just went downhill and poor birdy’s mind is on overdrive but hopefully it was okay anyway :-)
I think Harry might be back in the next chapter if not definitely the one after that, either way it'll probably be long :)
let me know what you think, all your thoughts are appreciated! Xxx
I'm not sure when ill update next. i wrote part of this right after i posted the school update thing. but yea. first 3 days of school have been grate. i went to both OTRAOttawa days and i came home at like 12 and had to wake up at 6.30 for school the next day of that was not fun but the 2nd day was 2942948242x better than the first. and I'm in the photo Josh Devine posted on instagram but I'm like the size of dust.
and also! Oh my gosh thank you for all the reviews and rates and asdftgyhjhgf thank you!!!