“Wake up, Baby.”
Harry’s husky voice cooed softly, leaning across he gently nudged my nose with his, causing one eyelid to open as I peeked up at him. Playfully he grinned down at me when I giggled, his nose tickling mine and my eyes scrunching shut. I had always found that gesture sweet, and it seemed that although it was Harry committing it, it didn’t subtract from the tender affection. My eyelids then fluttered open fully, eyes met with the morning skin that seeped through the small crevice in the curtains and flooded into the bedroom.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I replied quietly, with a small, shy smile looking up at him.
Harry’s bed was much larger than mine being a double bed, but I hadn’t utilised the extra space, remaining curled into Harry all night, savouring the warmth that his body brought and the odd sense of security that welcomed me, his bare skin against mine. He gently tugged at the bedcover wrapped around me, urging me out of bed with a smile and nod. It was obvious Harry was in a good mood – presumably from what had happened last night, and it seemed his good mood was rubbing off on me.
I no longer felt consumed with bitter rage, anger wasn’t burning at my insides and there didn’t seem to be any weight dragging down my shoulders.
Our fingers were entwined as I climbed from the bed and followed Harry out of the room, my bare feet padding against the carpet alongside his, still dressed in nothing but my underwear and Harry’s oversized t-shirt, while Harry’s adorned the pair of black boxers. I wondered curiously how he was so comfortable in such little clothing; he didn’t seem to care in the slightest whereas I was the complete opposite.
We entered the kitchen hand in hand, Noodles immediately running out and barking as the door was opened, my response to grin down at the little puppy. “Hello,” I cooed happily, Harry releasing my hand as I picked him up, bundling the small puppy in my arms as he greeted me with a lick to my cheek.
“Do you want to feed him while I make us some breakfast?”
I nodded my head, setting Noodles down as I did, as Harry wanted.
I played with Noodles after he’d eaten while Harry made pancakes (he had made them most days since I’d been taken; and not once had I asked how he knew I loved pancakes, and not once had I told him how good his were).
We ate in mostly silence, the odd word spoken.
When we both finished the pancakes on our own plates, not the stack in the middle of the table, Harry got up and I followed him. He put his plate in the sink.
I repeated Harry’s action, putting my plate in the sink before turning to sit back down, only my wrist was gently caught hold of, Harry’s fingers wrapping around it as he pulled me close to him. I looked up at him with confusion and curiosity in my eyes, wondering what he wanted as his fingers trailed my cheekbone. I blushed at the tender action, even after last night unable to decipher how Harry’s touch could be so gentle and soft when he held an inner dark side that led me to believe he was capable of no such thing.
His head dipped down as he stood in front of me, tousled curls brushing against my cheek where his fingers had previously left as his large hands rested on my hips, nose rubbing affectionately against mine.
“I think you enjoyed last night.” He purred softly.
I gulped the lodge wedged within my throat, feeling my cheeks flame with heat as I blushed intensely. I avoided his bright, sparkling eyes, looking at my bare feet as shyly I curled my toes, suddenly finding them fascinating.
Despite whatever had happened last night, the unfamiliar intimacy that Harry and I had shared, I was still unaccustomed to having someone so close to me, their actions tender and sweet and affectionate, even if they could snap and turn within an instant. I’d never had a serious boyfriend, not really, I had never had a close boy friend either; I was trying to familiarise with Harry’s forwardness, his ease with such proximity.
I had not thought of the previous night, I hadn’t really had the opportunity. As I ate I dismissed the idea of even thinking about it, but the thoughts were still there, lingering at the back of my mind, waiting patiently at the forefront for silence to force me to address the subject at hand.
“I think we should do it again, don’t you?”
My breath hitched at the thought of repeating what had happened, continuing to blush furiously as my heartbeat sped up dramatically, thudding violently in my chest. I parted my lips but not to reveal my unforeseen reply, only to elicit my trembling breath. Timidly I peeked back up at Harry, finding his bright green eyes sparkling with mischief and desire, but they were soft and calm, a tenderness I had witnessed on only few occasions resonating in his orbs.
Despite the emotions similar to last night brewing within me, I found a soft smile gracing my lips. He was being gentle and sweet, and though somewhere I had something nagging at me to simply dismiss him, when had I ever liked doing the logical thing?
“Hey!” I jumped at the abrupt noise of the back door opening and Louis’ loud, cheerful voice interrupting the quiet, tranquil atmosphere.
His face adorned a bright grin and though he showed no signs of pain it led me to believe it would hurt his throbbing black eye. He walked into the middle of the kitchen, taking a few moments to coo over how adorable Noodles was, picking him up and fussing him before finally addressing the both of us.
Before Louis’ attention turned to us, Harry wrapped an arm around my waist, and I was gently pushed behind his body, hid from view presumably due to my lack of clothing.
Louis didn’t seem the slightest bit surprised that Harry was wearing even less clothes and only a pair of black boxers, but a mischievous grin lit up his face once more and it was faux surprise that spread across his features. “Whoa, Harry. Is that a banana in your pants of are you just happy to see me?”
I laughed loudly from behind Harry, bringing my hand up to stifle the giggles that were busy falling from my lips at Louis, only I regretted my response as Louis’ attention was therefore focused entirely on me.
“Birdy, have you got a rash?” He frowned as if in a concerned manner, reaching up and touching his own neck.
My cheeks flamed with heat as I bid, suddenly all too aware of the damage Harry had done last night. I had looked in the mirror only once and it hadn’t been long since his teeth and lips had played with my skin, the marks not fully shown up, and it hadn’t even occurred to me in the heat of the moment to inspect the damage; my thoughts too jumbled and tangled, preoccupied with what had happened as I tried to calm myself down.
Instinctively my hand flew up to conceal the dark contusions my skin was adorning, blushing furiously.
Harry turned towards me, a confused expression plastered across his face, brow furrowed as his eyes landed on my hand covering my neck, and then realisation overtook his features. He looked down at my blushing cheeks and uncomfortable expression; I didn’t know whether Louis was being serious or not.
“Piss off, Lou,” Harry said, rolling his eyes.
Louis relinquished in a dramatic, fake gasp. “Oi, I was merely playing the concerned role of checking Birdy’s safety, now that’s no way to treat your best mate,” he said frowning, “See what I have to put up with, Birdy?” He arched his body, neck extending as he looked around Harry to me.
I smiled shyly at him, my blushing cheeks recovering a little.
“It’s shocking.” I agreed, playing along.
I briefly caught Harry’s eye, to find his eyebrows rose as he peered down at me, but I looked over at Louis, now in a position where we could easily see each other.
“Most definitely,” Louis nodded, “I think he should treat me a little better, don’t you?”
I nodded my head too, fighting hard to keep the grin from creeping onto my face as I tried maintaining a straight face. “I don’t think he’s nice enough to you.” I said seriously.
“Hmm, how do you think he should be nicer to me?”
I smiled at Louis and then peeked up at Harry. “I think you should make him some of your pancakes.” I told him quietly with a nod, stifling a laugh when Louis agreed far too enthusiastically.
“Do you now?” Harry retorted, his expression a mixture of humour and teasing, a playfulness that resonated in his sparkling emeralds latching on mine. I took a few steps back as I nodded my head, “I do,” I confirmed, placing my hand on the counter top as slowly I began making my way away from him. “Perhaps he could return the favour by doing something about that banana in your pants, too.” I added quickly, before I sped off in a run, past Louis and out of the kitchen.
“Cheeky bugger!” I heard Harry shout after me, quick to follow in my footsteps as I ended up in the living room, my head falling back as I laughed loudly upon hearing Louis exclaim in a faux dramatic voice, “Was that a gay joke on my behalf?”
Harry caught up with me after only a few seconds. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling my body into his as I continued to laugh now quietly at my own joke.
“Who knew you were cheeky?” He murmured softly, lips brushing my ear from behind.
My body was pulled onto the couch, feet planting on the seat cushion as I sat at the very top. Harry stood on the couch, his legs either side of mine.
“Maybe you underestimated me,” I said quietly, a small smile playing on my lips.
“Maybe I did.” He seemed happy, green eyes sparkling and smile bright, even though his teeth didn’t show his pearly white teeth, the dimple indented in his left cheek was perfectly prominent. Feeling emboldened, I was powerless against the urge to reach out and poke it with my forefinger, so I did, my own smile growing as did Harry’s, teeth now on full show.
Neither of us said anything, but I knew that he knew I appreciated the way he was acting right now; I appreciated this side to Harry. The both of us remained quiet, and I hadn’t realised that I’d zoned out until Harry tucked a few errant strands of my hair behind my ear, pad of his thumb then brushing over my lips; and I hadn’t realised I’d been thinking about what I had until Harry caught me out.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said softly.
I blinked up at him, sighing a little bit. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“You’ll think I’m mad.”
“… So, isn’t everyone?” He smiled, and I found myself smiling too for a brief moment, before I addressed the thoughts playing on my mind.
“Do you ever think if people knew the real you no-one would ever talk to you?” I blurted out quietly, “Do you ever think if people knew what really went on in your head, everyone would just run away?”
I expected him to face me with confusion plastered across his features, an expression that displayed his feelings for what he thought to be my ridiculous, abrupt questions. I thought that he wouldn’t understand, after all no one else did.
But then he simply gave a small nod of his head, almost a timid nod that betrayed his usual characteristic behaviour. “You think that if you keep up an act then you’ll be okay, you won’t lose anyone, you get to keep pleasing people while battling with the thoughts in your head and your true self that you keep hidden. You try to do what’s best for others, but never yourself.” I stared in awe at the boy before me, a pleasant shock rippling through me. “But putting everyone else before yourself isn’t the way to live your life; and hiding who you really are isn’t a life at all.”
“People think you’re crazy if you talk about things they don’t understand.” He continued.
My expectations weren’t met at all. Harry wasn’t supposed to understand me, he wasn’t supposed to nod and explain exactly what I tried to do so easily and effectively it led me to believe that he had once been in my position, felt what I had felt in that I thought it necessary to try my hardest to live up to unattainable expectations set by those who may have believed it was best for me, but at a cost.
I thought about how I’d bite my lip to suppress the curiosity bubbling on the tip of my tongue, the questions brewing in my mind and thoughts that I needed to express. I thought about how I’d always received a certain look when doing so, one that portrayed their misunderstanding and confusion and lack of care, a look that told me the thoughts I was thinking were out of the ordinary. A look that told me I was crazy, a look that I tried desperately to avoid and in doing so keeping the girl I was locked away while the girl everyone else wanted me to be was out in the open; a charade, an illusion, a lie.
I imagined that Harry at one point in his life might have had to undergo something like I had with my parents before Harry committed the actions he did; I wondered whether in some aspects we were the same.
With a small smile I looked up at him. “But what if you lose people in the process?”
“If people can’t accept you for whom you really are, then I doubt they deserve to be in your life. Tell me, what’s worse, losing others, or losing yourself? Which is harder to find again?”
I knew my parents wouldn’t accept me as who I truly was, so I thought about what Harry said, did they really not deserve to be in my life? They were my parents, and insisted that they only wanted the best for me, but in doing so sacrificing my happiness – was that a real parent?
I didn’t know, why would I?
Looking up almost admirably at Harry, I wondered whether Harry accepted me as I was; I wondered whether once I had truly opened up to him, he would still keep me as his, not regret committing such dramatic and irrational actions for someone like me. I wondered whether Harry was the person he wanted me to be, whether he wanted to change me in any way at all.
I processed Harry’s words carefully, feeling as if a sudden weight had lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t need to be who my parents wanted me to be; I could be whoever I wanted to, I didn’t need to live up to their unattainable expectations and I didn’t need to worry about being a burden or a disappointment to them. Losing yourself is much worse than losing others; losing yourself is much harder to find than losing anyone else. Its all well and good knowing who others are, but if you don’t know yourself when what’ve you got?
We sunk into silence again, until almost as if my actions were unknowing to me, I blurted out another question.
“Why did I like it?” I asked him timidly, peeking up at him beneath my long eyelashes.
He knew immediately what I was referring to, and I felt so vulnerable as I had voiced my question, and as Harry peered down at me, his green eyes seeking mine, and unfolding all the deep emotion within; confusion, curiosity, desperation... fear.
He offered me a small, comforting smile. “You wanted it.” He explained simply, husky voice low and soft.
A soft sigh passed through my lips, but why? My mind screamed. Did I want it, why did I want it?
“You know what I think?”
“What?” I asked softly.
“I think you don’t hate me as much as you thought you would, as much as you think you should... and that scares you.” He said, “I think that there’s a lot of things you can’t understand or explain about this whole situation, and you’re afraid.”
It amazed and terrified me how well Harry was able to understand me; I hadn’t even known that was how I was feeling until Harry had rightly pointed it out and realisation dawned on me. I nodded my head almost dizzily, feeling bare beneath Harry’s gaze.
“You make it hard for me to hate you sometimes.” I admitted quietly.
“Why’s that?” He smiled slightly.
“I don’t know. You’re confusing as hell.” I replied, and Harry laughed at my blunt honesty. A kiss was placed to my forehead and Harry drew back, my hand taken in his as he got down off the couch.
“Harry?”
He turned towards me as we walked back into the kitchen, “Where’s Louis?”
We peered around the empty room, “He must have left... and he took the rest of the pancakes.”
~*~
I tried playing with Noodles for a bit, I even attempted and failed at teaching him some tricks; I tried reading even my favourite book, but the words were lost and wouldn’t keep still on the page; I ate some crisps, then some biscuits, then some more crisps; I tried sleeping for a while, but no matter what I did, no task could keep the thoughts from plaguing my mind.
Without Harry’s company I sat down alone on the couch, finally addressing the mess of my mind, the subject that had been swirling in my head all day.
Nothing.
I had absolutely nothing.
I had no explanation I had no reason or meaning; I had nothing. I didn’t know why I reacted the way I did, why I willing allowed Harry to do what he did, hell, I was even willingly kissing my kidnapper beforehand!
I’m insane; I established simply, I am actually insane.
I knew I’d force myself to over-think the previous night, with Harry’s lack of company unable to distract my brain I was attempting desperately to figure out the meaning or reason behind my reaction to Harry’s tender touch; why I hadn’t fought against him and disallowed his actions. I felt confused and vulnerable, completely and utterly lost as I thought about it, no-one to help me understand myself, no-one to tell me what I should think or what I should do, no-one to guide me in the right direction or even steer the way for me.
I was angry with myself, confused and curious and frustrated due to my reaction, my response to Harry’s tenderness following the harsh slap that also fuelled to the confusion I was already dealt with. That certainly didn’t feel like a punishment, not really, none of it did.
And then, the thought suddenly dawned on me.
Was this my punishment?
Did Harry know and understand me so well he would have known my reaction, known that I would have enjoyed it and therefore the following morning be deemed a befuddled mess; confused and curious, angry and frustrated at myself? Had Harry planned everything this way so this would be my punishment? Over-thinking and frustration directed towards myself?
With a sigh I heaved my body from the couch and made my way up the stairs. I didn’t bother knocking when I got to Harry’s door, opening the door straight away and walking inside.
“Is this my punishment?”
He turned towards me with a t-shirt in his hand, and I was suddenly aware of the mess of the room; clothes sprawled across his bed and a few pieces of clothing on the floor; an open bag on the bed and a few objects scattering the carpet. “What are you doing?” I asked confused.
“Is what your punishment?” His features displayed confusion but that didn’t rule out the possibility. I felt a sudden surge of betrayal for some reason, feeling a little disheartened that Harry would go to such lengths all for the sake of punishing me. I had never experienced anything like I had with Harry; I had never had anyone touch me like that before. Knowing it meant nothing; only to ultimately punish me... upset me.
“Oh God,” I suddenly blurted out, horrified, “I’m being one of those cliché whiney teenage girls.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Birdy?” He looked well and truly bewildered.
“Did you do t-that... last night because you knew that I would – I would... l-like it, and then be angry at myself?” I managed to squeeze out.
I needn’t explain anymore, because the frown etched onto Harry’s features told me he understood. He abandoned the t-shirt he was holding and walked towards me. “No,” he said simply, “Why would you think that?” His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close to him; my body reluctant to resist as my head found purchase on his chest. I didn’t have the energy to pull away from him.
I shrugged against him, my brow still crinkled and bottom lip jutted a little. While one hand remained at the small of my back, the other moved to my head and patted down my hair, stroking through the strands as he spoke soothingly. “Birdy, I know for a fact that you already think enough as it is. I wouldn’t want your brain to explode.” He chuckled slightly, and I managed to crack a tiny smile.
“I wish I could throw my brain out the window,” I confessed quietly, “I’m so tired of thinking.”
“I know,” he said softly, “Why don’t you go downstairs and we can watch Supernatural on the couch? Just give me a minute.”
~*~
We were almost ¾ of the way through the season finale of Supernatural when an assembly of boys’ voices interrupted, and completely bewildered that my favourite program had been interrupted I momentarily took my eyes off the screen to find Harry’s four friends walk through the living room door. My stomach was pressed against the floor, knees bent as my legs swung in the air while my eyes found the screen once again while Harry took it upon himself to get up from the same position.
I blocked out the noise as I continued watching, so absorbed in the screen I hadn’t noticed that Harry had left the room and returned, a bag near the door and his coat and shoes on. I hadn’t even realised that he’d been trying to talk to me until his hands grasped hold of the laptop and he lifted it away from my view. I released an incoherent squeak in protest.
“Wait!” I exclaimed dramatically, “Sam and Dean are about to have a moment!”
He simply shut the laptop closed, and my lips fell open as I repeated my last incoherent squeak, my arm extending longingly as silently I asked for the laptop back.
“You can have it back in a minute, just listen to me.” I brought my hand back down, staring questioningly up at him. “I’m going away for a day or two, I need to sort some stuff out. The boys are gonna keep you company while I’m gone, okay?”
I stared at him blankly for a moment or two, before my face broke out into a confused expression, “What, why?” I asked quietly.
“I just have some stuff to do, so I have to leave, just for a bit.” He nodded for me to get up and I did so. “Do I get a hug?”
Aware without adverting my gaze that the four other boys in the room were staring at us, their eyes glued to our movements, I hesitated, before wrapping my arms around Harry’s waist, his arms wrapping around me too. “Be a good girl for the boys, okay?” He said sternly, a warning tone to his voice, his eyebrows rose expectedly.
I nodded my head obediently and eventually pulled away.
“Okay, I’ll see you soon, then.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Good girl.” He said, before he turned and I watched him leave, deeming me now completely and utterly lost.

Notes

does anyone else really like Louis and Birdy's relationship because I think they're quite cute? :3 and there will be a lot of Birdy and Louis in the next chapter and maybe the chapter after that, but no Harry in the next one I don't think, just the boys and Birdy :)
your thoughts are really appreciated on this chapter, anyhow! :') x xx
and alsoo i haven't read through this so I'm sorry if it's poo!
AND I START SCHOOL TOMORROW AND I ALSO HAVE 1/2 OF MY 1D CONCERTS TOO. SO IM CURRENTLY )-: :-)
And i got a snug piercing the other day and holy shit it hurt like hell