Drowning in Sight of Land
Cold.
I was more nervous in Cardiff than I was my first day on the job. I knew he was in the stadium. I knew he was close. I swear I could feel him in my bones. All I could do was keep my head down and do my job.
The first day buzz was wild. Everyone was on their toes, moving swiftly and with purpose through the halls, scrambling to get everything finished in time. Sarah and I had to pick up the slack due to two absent employees and it was all I could do to keep from puking. Sarah kept a close eye on me, though, shoving bottles of water into my hand every time we had a lull and forcing me to go outside for a few minutes every hour. I didn’t want to make more work for her, but it was nice to have someone looking out for me.
It was during one of my short breaks that I finally saw him. I was leaning against the cinderblock wall in the shade when three security guards rounded the corner not five feet in front of me. Directly behind them, walked Harry. I swore I could see an actual aura coming off of him he looked so good. He had on tight black jeans and ratty old boots with a truly obnoxious brown floral shirt that he had barely bothered to button at all. His long hair was pushed back by his sunglasses. I was too busy gawking to notice that they were headed straight for me.
“Malu!” He shouted, stopping their well-armored train and closing the space between us quickly on his own. He threw an arm around me and pulled me in. I had missed the smell of his aftershave and shampoo, woodsy and deep. “Why are you ignoring me?” He craned his neck down to press a warm kiss to my forehead.
My mind went blank. I hadn’t actually bothered to come up with what I was going to say to him once I saw him. “I, um,” I choked out, clearing my throat roughly. “Sorry. I’ve just been busy. I haven’t been intentionally ignoring you.”
He eyed me suspiciously, taking a step back. “I’m inclined to believe you. You’ve never lied to me before.” His tone was humorous but it stung. After an awkward moment of staring each other down, he looked back at Alberto who tapped his watch. “I have to go. But I want to see you tonight if you can.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” I lied. “I’d love to.”
He lunged forward quickly and kissed my forehead a second time. “Ok. Good. Great. I’ll see you tonight.” And with that he was ushered away, leaving me to finally take a breath.
My day finally ended around midnight. My legs felt like they were made of cement as I drug myself down the hotel hall and into my room. Sarah had made me take a box of grilled chicken and steamed broccoli when I left, but I didn’t feel like I could eat it so I stowed it away in the microwave and laid fully clothed on the bed waiting for Harry’s inevitable call.
It came not fifteen minutes later. I insisted that I was exhausted but he wasn’t having it. He sounded selfish and needy and I didn’t have the energy to argue. I am historically not very good at saying no to him.
I didn’t want to see him but I desperately did all at once. The moment I laid eyes him standing in his doorway, jeans unbuttoned and slung low on his hips, the smile on his face framed by his unruly hair, I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to hear him tell me that I was going to be ok and we were going to be ok and somehow maybe all of this would work out. I didn’t though. I didn’t tell him. I faked a smile and kissed the grin right off of his face.
Before I had a chance to make it uncomfortable, we were in his bed. This time was breathless and fast: me clawing at his back, him crawling over me to tear my clothes off. We didn’t talk or test the waters. We fucked. All I could do was react to him.
He flipped me on stomach and took me from behind, pressing his hand down between my shoulder blades to hold me down while he fucked me into the mattress. We had never been like this before but I kind of liked it. I guess this meant he missed me.
He bent down to whisper into my ear. “Spread your ass out so I can see that pretty pussy, baby.” I gasped at how vulgar his statement was but complied. He fucked me like he wasn’t afraid to break me, hard and heartless, but I was completely falling apart inside. I didn’t want this.
I pulled my legs together quickly and pushed a hand back to press his hips back. “Stop.” I ordered. And he did.
“Are you ok? Too deep?” He replied, dumbfounded, sitting back on his heels. I crawled out of his bed and began gathering my clothes as quickly as I could, trying to get out the door before my tears began to fall.
He stepped off of the bed after me and stood in the center of the room, completely naked and confused. “Malu, stop.” He took a few steps toward me, but I was too busy yanking my jeans over my legs to take note. “Baby what did I do? Was I too rough? I’m sorry. I wont do it again.”
“No,” I held my hand out to keep him from coming closer. I didn’t want him to look at me. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want to lie to him anymore. “Just leave me alone, Harry.”
He went back to his bed to pull his underwear on and then came right back toward me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He spat out angrily. “First you ignore me for a fucking month and now this? What did I do?”
I didn’t bother putting my sweater on. I was cold enough to shiver hard, but I didn’t feel it anymore. I didn’t feel anything anymore. Just the cool gust of air hitting my face as I slammed his door closed. I felt it over and over again. I felt it all the way down the hall, into the elevator, and into my own room. I felt it in the shower and on the balcony as I let myself cry freely. It didn’t leave me.
In the morning I felt raw, broken open. My heart felt like a weight pulling me into the floor. Half of me wanted to call him and just tell him. Just pull the bandage off and take the consequences. The other half of me screamed run.
I was still lost in thought when I walked into the kitchen at eight thirty and was instantly face to face with Harry. He was sitting on the counter eating an apple while Sarah lectured him knowingly, chopping vegetables on the cutting board next to him.
When he saw me he visibly tensed up, hopping down from the counter and kissing Sarah on the cheek. “I have to go, Mummy. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Oh don’t call me that, you nutter.” She scoffed, not even bothering to look up as he strode off, making a wide berth around me.
“What was that about?” I inquired, trying to sound as uninvolved as possible.
“Girl troubles, you know.” She sighed and stretched a piece of saran wrap over the top of a pan. “Nothing new for him, unfortunately. Poor little peach always seems to be on the wrong end of love. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone objective to tell your secrets to, I suppose.”
“Girl troubles.” I bite down on my lip hard. “Did he say who?”
“Well that wouldn’t be much of a secret if I told you now would it.” She laughed. “He just had a bumpy night. He’ll survive.”
I put the potatoes I had barely started peeling to the side and turned toward her. “Can I tell you a secret too?”
“Of course, dear! Everyone does.” She wiped her hands on her apron and gave me her full attention.
“I haven’t told the father that I’m pregnant.” I admitted, my cheeks burning with shame. “I saw him and I knew I needed to tell him but I didn’t. I don’t know how to.”
She smiled back to me knowingly. “I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, but you need to tell him. Everything will come out in the wash, dear.” She turned back to her cooking and left me just as confused as I was before.
“How?” That was all I really needed to know. How. Step by step, how do I say it? How do I open the floor for him to break my heart if he wants to? How do I open my mouth and make this about both of us and not just me?
She didn’t look at me. She smiled though. Smiled wide. “Harry’s a tough nut to crack, Malu, but he’s in love with you and he’s a good man. Just tell him.”
I dropped my paring knife on the floor, nearly onto my foot. “Shit. Wait. How do you know?”
“I’ve known about you two since probably before you even knew. Everyone tells me everything, dear. It’s why I’m here. I’m the confidant.” She knew. All this time she knew about us. I was embarrassed and angry and thankful all at once. I felt lightheaded. “Take a break. Get some air.” She instructed and I gladly took her advice.