Drowning in Sight of Land

It had been a fortnight since I’d come home and I hadn’t seen a single one of my friends. I was finally itching to get out so I rang up my best college pal, Beth, and invited her out for a drink.
We met up at pub around the corner. She gave me a huge hug and it was nice to have some human contact again. Pulling back, she held my arms out to look me over.
“It feels like it’s been ages! How are you? You look thin.” She yelled over the music.
I pulled my arms back and crossed them over my chest. “Everyone keeps saying that. I’m well. I’ve missed you.”
We got our drinks and sat at a booth near the toilets to catch up in quiet.
“Tell me everything! What was it like? Are they as hot in person? What happened with Zayn? Are you going to keep working for them? Did you get to hang out with them?” She fired questions at me rapidly once we were settled.
“It was very nice. Hard work. It was an adventure though.” I replied vaguely.
“Don’t give me that! Tell me what Harry is like at least. Jesus, he’s fit.” She had one elbow on the table and the other holding her vodka cranberry to her face while she sipped from the straw.
I swallowed hard. Do I lie completely and pretend that I don’t know him, or do I tell the truth and leave out the juicy bits? I’m a terrible liar. “He’s such a…..amazing person. Just so sweet and kind and funny. Easy to talk to and…” I trailed off. I had already said too much.
“Wait.” She grabbed my wrist just as I was reaching for my whiskey diet. “You mean you actually TALK to him. Like talk talk. Like you spend time with him?”
“No!” I defended immediately. “I mean, yes. But like he’s a good friend. It’s nothing like…you know.” I wanted to slap myself. Why am I like this?
“OhmygodMalu.” She spat out. She could read me like a damn book. “Oh my God.”
“Beth, no.” I started as she grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me to face her. “Beth please don’t assume anything.”
“Oh I’m not assuming.” She answered assuredly. “I know that face.” She put one finger up and traced a circle in the air in front of me. “You did something with him. You fucked him didn’t you?”
“Now, Beth.” I stared her down. I had kept this secret so well, why was I spewing it all out now? “It’s not what you think.”
“Nod if I’m right.” She bored into me with her eyes. “Just nod your head once. Up and down. Tell me I’m right.”
“Oh god. I’m not supposed to be talking about this.” I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath.
“You don’t have to tell me about the sex stuff, though I will feed you drinks until you do. Just tell me if he’s good or not. He looks like he’d be good. Does he smell nice? How did it happen? Did he talk to you after? I hate when they don’t talk to you after. Where did I happen?” She spread her hands out wide in front of her. “Give me the setting so I can imagine.”
“Which time?” I replied bashfully, my face still buried in my hands.
“You did it more than once?” She practically screamed at me. “Holy shit! How many times?”
“Oh I don’t know. I wasn’t counting. Please can we talk about something else? How’s the family? I saw on Facebook at Tyler is getting big.”
“No no no. We are absolutely talking about this.” She took another dramatic sip of her drink. “You bang Harry fucking Styles and you don’t want to talk about it? It’s like you don’t love me at all anymore.”
“Shut up.” I finally got to my drink and took a huge gulp. “I’m not feeling great. I just want to chat about something that doesn’t make me feel so…..weird. You know I love you to death.”
“You’re my best friend. Let me live vicariously though you. I’m just a lonely housewife.” She pouted.
“God. Ok. I will tell you a little bit, but if you ever tell as soul, even your husband, I will murder you in your sleep.” I eyed her sternly, already regretting everything.
“Deal.” She scooted back in her seat to get a better view of me and waited.
“Ok, um, I don’t really know how to do this. He started talking to me at work one day while I was taking a break. He’s really quiet around people but alone he’s so chatty. He’s warm. Like his skin is warm, not like he’s inviting. I mean he is inviting, but also he’s physically really hot.” She waved her hand in the air for me to keep going. “Um, we hung out a bunch in our hotel rooms at night when we couldn’t sleep and then one day I told him that I like him and he kissed me. We were drunk, it was all very stupid. Then a few days later we slept together. It was nice. He’s very accommodating. He doesn’t just lie there. He puts effort forth and he likes to make sure I feel good too and I don’t know.” I stopped abruptly, drinking down the rest of my whiskey.
“You should write romance novels.” She replied sarcastically.
“I’m sorry, it’s just kind of embarrassing.” I grimaced.
“Oh please, I’ll take what I can get.” She brushed my humiliation off. “Is he sweet or is he one of those 100-pack-of-condoms-in-the-dresser kind of guys? Did you stay the night together or just fuck? Does he kiss a lot during? Kevin always wants to kiss while we’re fucking but I just don’t, I don’t know why. Is he big? Tell me he’s big.”
“He’s very sweet. He mostly just kisses my neck and chest, not really my mouth while we…you know. And we don’t use condoms so I have no idea how many are hidden in his room at any given time. And he’s just right.” I answered quickly, just trying to survive the interrogation.
“No condom. Risky. What if he’s riddled with diseases?” She mused. “Then you’re on the pill, good. Because I was taking Zoely but I think it was making me fat so I stopped that one. Which are you taking? I need to try something new.”
“Er…no. I’m not on the pill either.” I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. “He just kind of…pulls out.” It sounded so stupid now that I said it out loud.
“Malu, what the fuck.” She scolded. “You are a grown woman. You should know better.”
“It’s fine. Everything is fine. I just wasn’t really having much sex before and I’m bad about keeping up with medication. I think I may look into it though. But please, can we talk about you for a bit? This is giving me a headache.”
Two hours and countless visits to the bar later, she had filled me in on everything I had missed in my time away. I was exhausted so we called it a night and I put her in a cab and walked home, kicking myself the entire way for telling my biggest secret so easily. It felt nice for someone else to know though.
A few days later, I was woken up at an ungodly hour with the immediate urge to puke. I hadn’t eaten anything weird. I hadn’t been running a fever or feeling unwell. I played back my conversation with Beth over and over in my head. There was no way. This wasn’t happening.
Once I had emptied my stomach completely into the toilet, I more or less ran to my luggage, still sitting half packed on the floor and dug for my day planner. Finally finding it near the bottom I quickly swept through the pages looking for something I desperately needed to see. Several pages back, in bright pink ink, there it was. A bold letter P. I looked at the date.
“Oh God.” I mumbled to myself, my hand covering my mouth. It was ten weeks ago. My period was over a month late. I sat back against the wall and cried. I hadn’t cried in over a year. I hadn’t had a reason to. Now seemed like as good a time as any.

Notes