Drowning in Sight of Land

The news that Zayn wasn’t coming back started as a slow trickled of rumors throughout crew texts early in the morning. I heard my phone buzzing across the room frantically and leapt from my bed to answer. It was Nora, a friend from wardrobe.
“Malu! Have you heard yet!” She shrieked when I answered.
“Heard what?” I exclaimed, more surprised at the call than the endless disastrous possibilities she could be referring to. I stood in front of the large window and rubbed sleep from my eyes as I watched the sun begin to peak from the horizon.
“Oh my GOD! I’m freaking out!” She continued without cutting to the chase. “You never check your texts. You should.”
“Nora, honestly, what is it?” I was a bit fed up at this point.
“Zayn isn’t coming back! He fucking QUIT!” She practically screamed. I held my phone away from my head as she went on and on and tried to compute what had happened. My brain instantly clicked over to Harry.
“Nora, love!” I snapped accidentally. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later!” I hung up and quickly began scanning my texts for any sign of Harry.
There was one. All it said was “Baby call me when you wake up. I need you.” and that was enough to send me into an unwarranted panic. Well, maybe a little warranted.
My fingers found his number in my recent calls without me even thinking about it. I was on autopilot, dressing myself and brushing my teeth while I waited for an answer. After the fifth ring I finally heard his voice.
“Hey, baby.” He was hoarse but not in a sleepy way. He always took on a deeper, scratchier tone when he was tired, but this sounded different. He sounded like he’d be crying.
“Harry I just heard the news.” I kept my voice level. I didn’t want to seem as frantic as I was. “How are you holding up?”
He waited a moment before answering. I could hear him take a sip of something and swallow. “Is there any way you can come up? I know it’s early but-“
I cut him off. “No I’m up. I’ll be over in a minute.”
He choked out a pathetic thank you but I didn’t know what to say so I just hung up and hurried out the door.
He answered the door in only his underwear, his long hair hanging down wildly. The moment the door closed he pulled me into his arms and squeezed me tight. I ran my nails along his bare spine, trying to sooth him.
Eventually I pulled away a bit to examine his face for clues as to his emotional state. His face was blotchy and tired. His breath smelled of red wine. He was still beautiful though. He still had the same glow about him that I adored.
“I’m sorry I look a mess.” I started, looking up at him from where he still held me close to his chest. “I forgot to even put knickers on.”
“You’re perfect.” He whispered, planting a kiss on my forehead. We moved to the couch and sat cross-legged facing each other on the plush cushions. He held one of my hands in his, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb back and forth over my knuckles.
“Shouldn’t you be with the boys right now?” I wondered aloud.
“I just want to be alone.” He grumbled out, letting his head fall dolefully.
“You’re not alone if I’m here, nerd.” I tossed back playfully, hoping to get some sort of reaction other than sadness from him.
He merely cracked a tiny, mournful smile. “I like being alone with you. I can think out loud and you don’t judge me.” His words warmed me to my bones. I knew that nothing I said could suck the poison out. He was momentarily broken. Seeing him hurt was heartbreaking on an unreal level. He was usually so eccentric and carefree. It’s easy to forget that when you cut him he bleeds like everyone else. Hearing him say that I was a comfort to him felt amazing.
“I’ll stay as long as you like, love.” Crawling into his lap, I pushed back slightly until he let go and fell back onto the cushion behind him. I squeezed myself into the space between him and the pillows and wrapped my arm over his chest, holding him tight. He ran his fingers up and down my back under my loose t shirt. He was silent for a long time. I listened to his heartbeat, lightly tapping out the rhythm on his arm with my fingertip.
“I don’t know how to be a real person.” He finally spoke.
“You are a real person, Harry.” I replied, trying not to sound motherly.
“No, you know what I mean. I don’t know how to be normal. Like go to work during the week and then come home at night and sleep at a regular time. I don’t know how to make plans further than a week ahead of time. I’ve never had to do that.” He craned his neck down to look at me, so I met him halfway and looked up, bumping my forehead on his chin. “Shit, sorry. But I’m serious. I am either touring and fucked up from that schedule or I’m home and sleeping all day and fucked up from a lack of schedule. How do you just live every day like you know what’s going to happen?”
“You don’t. Even when you’re ‘normal’ life is unpredictable. It doesn’t have to be dull. You can do anything you want really. It’s nice.” I spoke more or less into his neck.
“I just don’t think I want that yet.” His voice sounded heavy now, defeated. “I’m not done doing this. I love this.”
“So is the band going to break up?” I finally asked. I had been thinking it since I heard the news.
“We don’t want to. We decided this morning to keep going but I’m afraid.” His hand was in my hair now, stretching my curls and then letting them bounce back. “What if the fans don’t like us anymore without Zayn?”
“They’ll love you regardless I think.” I was just trying to make him feel better but it did make sense in my mind. “You may lose some fans without him, but just the fact that you’re going to stay together will make most of them happy.”
He hooked both hands under my armpits and pulled me on top of him roughly. “Just kiss me.” And oh God did I kiss him. I didn’t know what to say but I knew how he liked to be touched and kissed and made love to so I gave him everything I had. I put every ounce of passion I could muster into it, real or conjured. I needed to make him forgot. It was a selfish goal, but his smile fueled me and I wanted it to come back.

Notes