Blue

In the end, we decided not to tell his mom about the baby. We decided not to tell anyone about the baby—not any of the guys, not my one remaining friend on the planet, not management, not anyone. Harry didn’t get many secrets. This one, we were going to keep for as long as we could.

But then there was the matter of the engagement ring.

“They have managed my life since I was sixteen.” He tapped his fingers against my thigh, maneuvering his Audi through the dainty little streets of Cheshire with one hand. “I am so ready to live my own life, Laney love, you have no fucking idea.”

“You almost hit a mailbox.”

“I’m not planning on telling them. They can find out like everyone else: when the paps start bullshitting and spreading all the garbage around about us. Did you see that fucking nonsense about me and Louise?”

“I’m actually on a media black-out still.” I ran my fingertip over his knuckles. “I’ve been watching a lot of cooking shows and reality television.”

He finally smiled, gently squeezing my leg. “You also watch Say Yes to the Dress. I went through the recorder yesterday and saw them. Laney.”

“Damn right I do and I cried for a solid forty-five minutes when you were at the studio Tuesday. These brides and their beautiful gowns. Jesus.”

“You’re going to be that bride in your beautiful gown.”

“Let me introduce you to a little fad we Americans call ‘running away to Las Vegas.’ No fuss, no muss. And it’s like, $200 bucks, max.”

“Absolutely not.”

“But, Hazza, Elvis could marry us.”

“No.”

“Just hear me out on this. Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding and, look, you’ve met my mother. I’m on my own on this.”

“Sweet love, that’s where you’re wrong.” He pulled into his mother’s driveway and parked the car; he then leaned over and kissed me. It was soft and tantalizing, but full of his inherent intensity. “We’re in this together. It’s my wedding too and I’m going to pay for every last thing you want. On one condition.”

I raised my eyebrow quizzically. “Oh? And what’s that condition?”

“I get to pick where we have it.”

“I wasn’t serious about Vegas.”

“No, I know that. I just mean I’ve been thinking about this for a while…and…ehm, there’s a particular place, more than any other, where I want to marry you.”

“Provocative.”

“Do you trust me?” I pursed my lips together into a grin and kissed him. “More than anyone, you know that. It’s a deal—but, Hazza, you’re not spending a fortune on me.”

“Too late.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “Do you want to know how much your ring cost?”

“Stop.”

He tucked a curl behind my ear and then cocked his head towards the house. “Come on. Let’s go make my mummy cry.”

“Ahh, now that’s the spirit.”

He chuckled and together we walked up the stone walkway to his mom’s house. She was out the door and hugging us before we were even on the doorstep. “Harry, love, I didn’t think we were going to see you this trip to London. I thought it was just for you two?”

“No. I mean, yeah, it is. But we wanted to stop on our way to dinner and tell you something.” He was grinning broadly, this adorable, oversized smile that made his eyes crinkle. He was petrified.

Anne hugged me tightly, rubbing my back. “You look radiant today, Laney! Stunning. If it’s new makeup, you’d better tell me the brand. So, so pretty.”

I blushed. Yeah, it could be anything. It could be the baby in my belly. It could be the ring on my finger. Or maybe it was the man who put them there.

It was definitely him.

“Mummy. We have something to tell you.” He cleared this throat, shoving his hair back from his face and tucking his bangs to one side. “We…uh…we’re moving in together.”

She smiled, leaning over to hug me again. “That’s wonderful, Harry! Are you going to stay here in London while he’s on the tour or go back to Los Angeles? Oh, Laney, you should stay here. Gemma and I can keep you company—you’re practically my daughter anyway. ”

I raised my eyebrows and stared at Harry over her shoulder. “That’s my plan. I mean, I don’t want to be a bother or anything. I just…feel…um, well, let’s be honest. I don’t want to go back to the states. I’m going to be in my own personal hell until the end of the tour, so being in London will feel like being closer to him. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.”

His mom seemed genuinely happy I was staying in London, but instead of listening to her—like I should have been—I was watching Harry. He was smiling at me, his cheeks dotted with his dimples. He opened his mouth to say something and then promptly closed it.

Then he started again. “Oh, and Mum?”

“Yes Harry?”

“We’re also getting married.”

Anne straightened up like a shot, almost like Harry had poked her in the spine with his index finger. She made a squealing noise and then grabbed him by the wrist, yanking him over to us. “Harry Edward Styles, you proposed?”

“Yes, Mummy.” Harry lifted my hand up, cradling it in his, and showed her the ring. “I can’t live without this beautiful girl in my life.”

I nuzzled my face against his shoulder. “You’re going to make me cry again, Hazza.”

“Harry, this is absolutely exquisite.” Anne stared at the ring, her lips curling up into a broad grin. “I am so excited for you two! Oh my God, Harry! I had no idea you were ready to get married.”

He chuckled as she hugged us both, squeezing us both tightly. “Things…just…ehm. She’s everything to me. And…recently, things just make me want to be with her forever. A piece of paper won’t change that, but she’ll be my bride. That’s what I want.”

I tried to choke back the tears, but they spilled over my cheeks anyway. It was that awful, ugly cry where I looked like some kind of weird, red faced mole. Everything was perfect. And it was beautiful and wonderful and GOD, I was so sick of crying all the time.

Harry slid his arms around me and pulled me close, pressing his lips to my forehead. His eyes were so beautiful; so full of love and intensity and happiness. Seeing him so happy only made me cry harder. The tour was right around the corner and then, what? It was four months without him.

I didn’t even want to think about it.

****

It took two weeks and then the whole world knew we were engaged.

In this time, I got a new curling iron and managed to burn my index finger less than two minutes after starting to curl my hair. This was more enjoyable than the Internet outrage.

I ran my finger underneath the tap, gritting my teeth against the searing pain. There was this morbid curiosity—maybe the inherent need to be liked by everyone—to see what people were bitching about this time. It wasn’t actually anything different than before we got engaged; the same “he’s settling for her” and “omg she’s so ugly” and “this is all just a fucking publicity stunt, it’s been confirmed.”

Always so informed.

Harry hadn’t make any kind of confirmation if we were engaged, or not. He refused Management’s urging to make some kind of statement and refused to do any interviews unless the interviewer agreed to not ask questions about me. The thing he did that was closest to a comment was on Twitter: I liked it.

I’d looked at him. “You liked it?”

“Yeah, I liked it so I put on a ring on it.” He shimmied his shoulders. “Oh oh oh.”

Tricksey hobbitses.

As Harry was packing up his massive suitcase for tour, I perched on the bed with my legs crossed, my hilariously rounded baby swell bulging over my yoga shorts. I looked like I was smuggling an avocado in my pants. “So, upon the threat of bodily harm, I told Ben and Vi we’re engaged.”

“What about your mum?”

“Yeah. It was awkward. I think my nervousness only made it more awkward.” I scrolled through an online list of baby names. Harry had suggested this could be a way of distracting myself from worrying about him leaving in the morning; it wasn’t working. “I was like, so, you remember Harry. Like you were this kid we’d just run into at the mall or something.”

He chuckled, twisting his hair into a bun on top of his head. “Casual acquaintances.”

“Exactly. I then had this really jumbled, long winded speech about staying in London while you’re gone and just hanging out with your sister and eating crisps and jammie dodgers and shopping on Carnaby Street and all this crap. And she was like, are you asking permission? And I was like, no, look I’m staying here and by the way I’m marrying him. Her response was, ‘oh.’ Oh. At first I thought, well, that’s shit but then I was actually kind of okay because I don’t actually care what she thinks. She asked when and I told her we were planning a long engagement.”

“Like, at least nine months.”

“Well, I need to lose baby weight first. Then, you can marry me.”

He laughed and sat down beside me, cupping my belly with his and pressing his lips to my temple. “I think you’re perfect, Laney love. I…ehm…I didn’t mean to get you pregnant, but now…I properly happy with this; the way it’s all turning out. Sometimes my life feels out of control. The only thing that’s constant; that’s real, is you. And I love you.”

I leaned over and kissed him. I didn’t want him to leave me; the thought of him being gone and busy everyday—between the tour and all the recording they had left to do, I wasn’t going to get to talk to him much. “I love you too, Hazza.”

His gaze was intense. There were times that he looked at me with this gaze that practically sizzled and snapped audibly: a look that made it seem like he’d been searing the entire universe to find me. It was like his hugs, so intense and all encompassing, as if he was afraid I’d disappear if he looked away or let me know. This was the side of him no one else seemed to understand; that he only showed to me. He wasn’t always silly and flirtatious and wearing weird clothes. He was also focused, introverted, and sensitive. He was reflective and romantic and inherently sweet. “I was thinking we could go and check out where I want to get married in August when I come home for your ultrasound. By then, we’ll only have what, four months left until…ehm…the baby arrives?”

“And just where are you planning for a wedding venue?”

His eyes sparkled, he innocently shrugged his shoulders. “You’ll see.”

Notes

Hey guys, I'm sorry I was MIA--I was out of the country for two weeks and then have been working a lot. I hope you like this update! There's more to come :)