Blue

“Oh shit.” The words basically fell out of my mouth—I’m classy like that. Pregnant. Pregnant. How did I get pregnant??

Well, obviously I knew the how part. A guy with a penis put it inside me and got me knocked up. But the bigger how, the “what in God’s name do you mean I’m pregnant; that’s impossible because I’m on the birth control pill” part of it. I’d taken them correctly, right? I had an alarm set on my cell phone so I didn’t forget and I hadn’t. I’d only stopped taking them once I was back in NOVA and depressed—and I hadn’t been having sex then.

Harry’s eyes met mine. I knew what he was thinking: I’d had sex with Louis. But, again, I’m on the pill and I’d made Louis wear a condom both times. The condoms hadn’t broken. It was completely protected, safe sex. There was no way Louis had gotten me pregnant. Right?

Right?!

“Okay, um, well I’m a bit surprised by that news, I’ll be honest.” I cleared my throat nervously. Harry still hadn’t let go of my hand, so that seemed good. “Do you…um…know how far along I am?”

Well, that was a dumb question.

The doctor looked from me to Harry and then back down at the chart. “Almost ten weeks, actually. It looks like your pregnancy was initially diagnosed when you were first admitted. You had a routine urine exam to check for drugs in your system and someone evidently thought to do a pregnancy test too. I’m sorry you didn’t know, Delaney. I assumed you did since we hadn’t been putting you on any kind of medication for your depression. Most SSRI medications aren’t recommended for use during pregnancy.”

Ten weeks. Holy fuck, ten weeks? That was close to the end of the first trimester. Okay, wait, simple math skills: I’d been in the hospital for a week. I’d been at home, depressed, for around four weeks. I’d slept with Louis over the course of two days prior to coming home. Which meant I was already four weeks pregnant, give or take, when I’d hooked up with him. The baby was Harry’s.

The baby was Harry’s.

He must have been doing the math too, because his hand tightened around mine. “A baby.”

The doctor flipped the chart closed, again looking at us. “You haven’t had a sonogram, yet. Do you want me to have someone come up and do it now?”

I blindly nodded. Well, this explained all the throwing up I’d been doing.

“I’ll send a nurse in to remove your IV.” I barely heard what else he said as he walked out; my brain was still trying to process what was going on. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby—Harry’s baby. Which….did exactly what to our relationship? You know, the relationship that was back on for like, ten minutes? And now there was a baby in the picture?

Oh, fuck. I couldn’t even look at him.

Ruth walked into the room and gently squeezed my shoulder. “You know, once I get this IV out I’m going to go ahead and close your door for a little while. Put the blinds down and give you two some privacy.”

The back of my eyes pricked with tears. This was not necessarily a conversation I was looking forward to having.

I squeezed my eyes closed as she unhooked the IV, working around Harry, and gritted my teeth as she pulled the tube out of my hand. She bandaged it up quickly and then reached into the pocket of her scrubs, pulling out two small cans of ginger ale. “The sonographer won’t be down for twenty-minutes or so.”

“Thank you.”

She squeezed my arm again and headed to the door, pulling the blinds down and softly closing the door behind her.

And that left us alone.

Together.

He exhaled sharply, clasping my now IV free hand in his. “I…wow. I’m speechless.”

“Yeah. Um,” Tears spilled over my cheeks, “I don’t know how this happened.”

“Oh, Laney love.” He pulled me into his arms, holding me against him and pressing his lips to my forehead. “It’s our baby.”

“But, I mean, your career. Oh my god, management is going to freak out. They are going to come down so hard on you. I mean, if you want to get rid of it—“

“No!” He crushed his mouth to mine, silencing me with a deep, passionate kiss. When he pulled back, he cradled my face with his hands. “It’s our baby. We made a baby; because we love each other. I adore you, Laney, and I am thrilled that you’re carrying my baby. It only makes me love you more, sweet girl. I’m not going anywhere.”

I started crying again. Damn it. I was not completely convinced I was ready to be a mother—Harry’s bride, yes—but the mother of his child? I was in the hospital because I was a recovering addict, close to relapse, who’d almost killed herself because she fell into a deep, dark depression. I drank too much, I smoked too much, not to mention I was broke and had no job. Or education. Fuck.

“Hey.” he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, cradling me in his arms like I was a breath away from crumbling. Maybe I was. “Laney, baby girl, don’t cry. Look at me.”

I lifted my eyes up, staring right into his large green eyes. I could see the love there; the concern. “I’m scared, Hazza.”

He shook his head, gently pressing his lips to my forehead. “No, Laney love, there’s nothing to be scared about. I’m right here. I’m madly in love with you; yes, we had a horrible fight. We broke up. But I’m committed to our relationship and…lovely, I’m committed to you. Even without a baby, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. A baby doesn’t change that.”

It only made me cry harder. “I love you, Hazza. So, so much.”

He held me to him, gently kneading his fingertips against the back of my head. “You are my everything, Laney. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I sat up a little, again looking up at him. “After everything we’ve been through, you still want to marry me?”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Absolutely.”

I tucked myself back into his arms, snuggling against him. In the span of only a few minutes, everything had changed—and then changed again. Jesus.

He stroked my hair gently and cradled my bandaged hand in his. “I guess we should start thinking about baby names, yeah?”

“My mother is going to kill me.” “

I’m sure it will come as a bit of a shock to my mum as well.” He paused. “I mean, it’s not like people didn’t know we have sex all the time. Literally everybody knows.”

“My all-time favorite headline about us is ‘Harry and Laney’s backstage sex-scapades.” I giggled. “My worst fear was that my Nana Lee was going to see it and think it was some kind of porn ‘Dancing with the Stars’ or something and start asking my mother what position we were in.”

He burst out laughing. “My favorite position is….hmmm…..it’s all of them. Honestly.”

We were still laughing when the sonographer rolled a cart into the room. She smiled shyly at us and rolled the cart next to my bed, positioning it so Harry could see. “Hi guys. So, you’re ready for your sonogram?”

I nodded, suddenly terrified out of my mind. This was going to make it real. All I had was the doctor reading something off my chart. I didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t look pregnant. I mean, he could just be a shitty doctor. This could all be just a mistake….a…um, a misunderstanding.

“I’m just going to pull the blinds down so we can see better.” She was so soft spoken and quiet, I almost had to strain to hear her. Ehhh…now I was nervous I was going to say something offensive. Great.

She returned to the roller cart and picked up a chart, flipping open to the first page. “Okay, so, can you confirm your full name for me?”

“Delaney Clementine Lee.”

“Date of birth?”

“June 14, 1994.”

“Do you remember the first day of your last period?”

“Ummmm…..no, honestly I don’t. Look, I didn’t even know I was pregnant.” I could my face turning red. “I’m on the birth control pill. Well, I was. I mean, I’m not taking it now, but when I got pregnant I was, it’s just…”

“Complicated.” Harry finished for me. He leaned over and squeezed me, his soft voice raspy in my ear. “It’s okay, Laney love.”

The tech didn’t even look fazed. “You’d be surprised how often I hear that; it happens more than you think. There’s always the chance, especially if you don’t take it at the same time every single day. Some people do—and still get pregnant. There’s always that one percent chance.”

“Good to know.”

She handed me a calendar. “So, Dr. Geisenburg said that you’re approximately ten weeks. I think he’s basing that on bloodwork since this is your first ultrasound, right? So, maybe around here sometime?”

I tried to think back to where Harry and I had been that week, or even the week prior. Then I remembered: it was a week or so before we’d been in Dubai. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I think it was one of these days…maybe. I didn’t have it when we were in Dubai and that was, what date?”

Harry pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through his calendar. “April 4th.”

“Right, so maybe a week before then? Week and a half?”

She nodded and took the calendar back from me, making a note on the chart. “We probably can’t pinpoint it exactly, but I can measure the baby and we can figure out a due date for you. Are you ready?”

I nodded. Oh, shit.

“Just scoot down on the bed so that you’re abdomen is level, yeah, like that.” She glanced from me to Harry. “Are you…uh…are you wearing underpants underneath your hospital gown?”

Ohhh, I see where this was going. “Yes. Actually.”

“Do you just want to pull it up to right about here?” She helped me pull the gown up to my ribcage and then again looked at Harry. “Are you the father?”

He nodded, shyly, but his smile was so brilliant that I almost burst into tears. What was this, pregnancy hormones? “Yes, I am actually.”

“Okay, cool, so there’s nothing you need to do, Delaney, just lay still and we’ll see what your baby is doing.” She spread some blue gel on my stomach and used the transducer to spread it around. She pressed it to my low abdomen and, after a few moments, an image appeared on the computer screen.

And there was our baby.

This time my eyes did fill with tears. “Oh my God…Harry…”

“I know, beautiful.” His voice was so soft, his breath tickling my ear. “I can’t…I don’t even know what to say…”

The tech hit a few buttons on the computer and, suddenly, the room was filled with a rapid swoosh-swoosh-swoosh sound. I knew what it was from when my mother was pregnant with my sisters. It was the baby’s heartbeat.

I started crying. Again. I couldn’t help it; when I had been away from him, I felt more alone than I ever had, even after losing my parents. But the whole time, I’d had part of him inside me and, somehow, despite how much I’d messed up, the baby was fine.

The tech grinned. “Perfect heart-rate. I’m going to take some measurements just to see if we can get you a due date and do some routine first trimester screening. Then, we’ll get some pictures printed out for you two and, if you want, you can record some of the ultrasound on your cell phone.”

Harry pressed his lips to my cheeks, kissing away my tears. He leaned his head close to mine; I could hear the smile on his face. “We made a baby…that little wiggly person is ours. Our baby.”

“I know.” I nuzzled my face against his, my lips spreading into a grin. Our baby. This was out of control. “Look at that little round belly.”

He gently squeezed my hand. “How…um, how big is the baby now?”

“Maybe about the size of a Brussel sprout?” the tech tapped a few buttons. “About an inch and a half long at this point. In another nine or ten weeks, you should be able to find out the gender—if you want.”

The baby rolled and wiggled on the screen, apparently not cooperating with what the tech needed. She nudged my abdomen near my hip. “All the measurements look good, Delaney. Here’s the spine, right here. And here’s the chambers of the heart; do you see it beating? That little flicker right there, that’s the heartbeat. Obviously, I can’t tell for sure since the doctor has to review the films, but I’d say your baby looks perfect. They already ran your bloodwork with your last blood draw, so most abnormalities and chromosomal issues have been ruled out.”

I breathed a sigh of relief I didn’t realize I’d been holding. I was already in love with this sweet little person, this tiny little baby who was fluttering around my belly—and who I couldn’t even feel yet.

She printed out a strip of pictures and handed them to us. “I’d say, with your guess of when your last period was? I’m going to estimate your due date is Christmas Eve.”

“I am the least festive person on the planet.” I watched as Harry recorded several moments of the ultrasound, complete with recorded heartbeat. Once he was finished, he hunkered down next to me again. “Maybe this will kick me into the holiday spirit.”

The tech moved the transducer from my stomach and wiped me off with a towel. “Just make sure that you schedule your prenatal visits and start taking a prenatal vitamin. Congratulations, you two! You have an active, wiggly little baby. Best of luck moving forward.”

“Thank you.” Harry slid his arm around me and pulled me to him, laying the strip of sonogram pictures across my lap.

The tech left, but I wasn’t entirely paying attention: I was suddenly lost in those sweet, green eyes. “Laney. Look how sweet.”

“I had no idea, Hazza. I honestly don’t know if I just didn’t feel sick or I thought it was just part of being away from you. Miserable and depressed and chain smoking.” I thought for a moment. “Though, I’ll tell you what. I went to smoke the other day and it made me sick. Ugh, even the thought of cigarettes makes me want to throw up.”

He cradled me against him, pressing his lips to mine. “Now you’ve got a bit of British in you, love. Instead of only when I’m inside of you, I mean. Constant British infiltration.”

I burst out laughing. “Touché, Hazza.”

“You’ll start craving tea, I’m telling you.” I rolled on my side, snuggling up against him. “So…honestly. What do you think?”

“I’m happy, Lanes. Properly happy.” He wrinkled up his nose. “Does this mean no makeup sex? Because, baby girl, I am a massive fan of our makeup sex.”

“Oh, no. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean that we’re stopping sex. I can’t function without getting laid. Do you know horrible the last month as been? I’ll probably get off the second you even look at my vagina.”

He was laughing, cradling me against his body, and giving me that look. It was my favorite look: it wasn’t the super horny, “I need your body” look that he’d give when I took my clothes off in front of him or the heavy-lidded, relaxed look right after we made love or when he first woke up in the morning. It was look of intensity, as if I was the only person in the entire universe. He was focused only on me; on us being together. He tilted my head upward and kissed me, his tongue playing against mine as the kiss deepened. “I am going to make you feel so much better when I get you home.”

“You’re on tour, Hazza love. Your definition of home at this point in time is whatever hotel room where we’re both naked and either fucking or sucking.”

“Well, yes.” He pressed his lips to mine. “But I want you to come to London with me. Stay with me. And, when the lads and I leave? You can come with us.”

“I don’t have school to worry about anymore, so there’s that.”

He frowned, his brow knitting down so far it made his eyes narrow. “Why?”

“I forgot to register and make my initial payment. I tried to fight them, to beg my way into classes or something, but they’re pretty firm on their deadlines. It’s not like I could have paid for it anyway…” I abruptly shut my mouth. Nope. We’re not having this conversation.

But he pounced on it like a cat. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Harry, I don’t have a job. Classes aren’t cheap and, well, besides that, I didn’t actually fill out my FAFSA forms because I’m scatterbrained like that.” I waived my hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just one of those things. I’m not worrying about it.”

He lifted his hand to my cheek, both cradling me and holding me in place. “How are you paying for the hospital bill?”

“Let’s not have this conversation.”

“No, I really think we should.”

“Did you know statistically, fighting over money is one of the biggest and all-encompassing problems couples fight about? Money and kids and, look, right now we’ve just discovered there’s a kid in the picture so…..let’s not worry about money. Or lack of money, as the case may be.”

He tucked my head down on his chest, pressing his lips to my temple. “We don’t have to talk about it. I’m paying whatever the bill is.”

“Harry—“

“Laney, you’re my girl. My princess, my angel. I’m going to take care of you and pay for whatever you want, whatever you need, until the day I die.” He wrapped his arms around me, holding my body close to his. “And, more than that? I’m going to stay madly in love with you, even longer than that. You own my soul, Laney. Forget what happened, forget what we said. I love you, sweet girl. And nothing will ever change that.”

After everything that had happened…after wondering for weeks how I was going to keep going when everything around me was falling apart, I finally felt like I was home again. Being with him was home: I felt safe. I felt loved.

And if time stopped right then, I couldn’t complain. Just lying there, in his arms—knowing that his baby was safe inside me—the sound of his heartbeat in rhythm with mine made me smile.

It was going to be okay. Somehow.

Notes