Bride to Be
Chapter Thirteen
Kennedy’s POV
It’s been an hour since I found out I lost the baby. An hour that I’ve felt empty and alone. I refused to see anyone because I couldn’t face them. How could I let this happen? It was all my fault. How could Harry look at me the same way. I was the reason why I lost the child. I had uterine fibroids that caused the baby to die. How could I have not known that? I was crying and beating myself up when the door to my room opened and I looked up to see Harry with red rimmed eyes and a worried look in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered breaking down again, “This is all my fault.”
Harry quickly crossed the room and wrapped me up in his arms.
“This is all my fault,” I sobbed, “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
“Love,” Harry whispered making me look up at him, “I don’t hate you and please don’t say that this is all your fault. It’s not. I’ve been talking to the doctors and they said that it is natural to have uterine fibroids. Most of the time you don’t even know you have them until something else happens.”
I couldn't respond to what Harry was saying because all I could see in Harry’s eyes were pain and sadness. I had caused that. I made my husband, the love of my life, sad because of this miscarriage. I was about to say something when Harry saw the look in my eyes.
“Don’t you dare say that if I want a divorce I should get one,” Harry said wiping away my tears, “Am I broken because we lost the baby? Yes. Am I blaming you for the death? No and I will never blame you for that. Do I want a divorce because of this? No way in hell. I love you Kenni. I’ll always love you no matter what happens. I married you for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. You are my wife and I am your husband. Together we are going to get through this.”
I then just clutched his shirt and we sat in our hospital room together and cried. I don’t know how long we sat there until there was a knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.
“I’m really sorry to interrupt Mr. and Mrs. Styles but we need a name to put on the birth and death certificate,” she said.
“Was it a girl or a boy?” I asked quietly I stopped listening to the doctors after I found out I had a miscarriage.
“A boy,” the nurse said and my heart broke even further.
“Could you give us a minute love?” Harry asked, “I can come find you when we decide.”
“I’ll be back in a little bit then,” she said, “And I’m really sorry. I know the words don’t help but I understand what you two are going through. My husband and I just went through a miscarriage last year.”
I head perked up at my nurse and she gave me a sympathetic smile.
“I know you feel its your fault but truly it’s not,” she said, “If you need anything just buzz alright.”
We nodded our heads and she shut the door and we looked at each other.
“It was a boy,” I whispered looking at my legs.
“Please don’t beat yourself up,” Harry begged and I looked up at him.
“How can I not Haz?” I asked, “I was going to give you a boy to keep the family name alive and I took it all away from you.”
“Hey,” Harry said and I looked up at him, “We will have a baby boy and a baby girl and maybe twins someday but right now the big man upstairs has a different plan for us right now okay? We will try again and again and again until we can have our bundle of joy to raise together okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered and looked up at him, “So what do you want to name him?”
“How about we name his Michael Louis Styles,” Harry said, “That way we use both of our names that we wanted in the name.”
“You don’t want to name him after your father?” I asked.
“You don’t either?” he replied and I sighed.
“I like that name,” I replied and smiled lightly for the first time in what felt like forty-eight hours.
“I’ll go tell the nurse alright,” Harry said and I nodded my head.
Harry got out of the bed and kissed me before he left. I then took a good look around my room and I realized how much I hated hospitals with their plain white walls, clean smell, and all the beeps and noises from the hallway and other rooms. I was trying to not think about the miscarriage when Harry opened the door and stuck his head in.
“You think you’re up for some visitors?” he asked.
“Is everyone here?” I asked quietly picking at the hospital bed.
“Pretty much,” he said, “but we can do small groups if you can’t handle a lot of people.”
“No,” I said quietly, “Everyone can come in if they want. I just need you by me. I don’t think I can keep myself from crying right now.”
“I understand sweetheart,” he said, “I’ll be right back okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered and waited for him to return.
Two minutes later, Harry came in with our parents and they all apologized and hugged me and tried to get me to smile. The boys and their girlfriends came in right after with my favorite comfort foods to try and help calm me down. It was nice to know how loved I was with my friends and family but I just felt so helpless and guilty about everything. Everyone was talking quietly amongst themselves when I felt a nudge and I looked up from the spot on the floor I was staring at to find Harry looking at me worried.
“I’m fine,” I lied, “Just thinking.”
“You’re lying,” Harry whispered and I frowned.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I just can’t stop my mind from going a mile a minute. It’s just hurting too much. . .”
“I know love,” Harry said kissing the top of my head, “but it hurts me even more when I see you so upset about this and I can’t do anything to help.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again and Harry shook his head and captured my lips in his.
When he pulled away, he looked at me.
“I don’t want to hear ‘I’m sorry’ for a while either,” he said, “You just talk to me whenever you feel down okay?”
“Okay,” I said quietly and cuddled closer to Harry.
“Well we’re going to head out,” the boys said.
“I think you need some sleep Kenni,” Delilah said.
“I think I have to agree with you,” I whispered and everyone came over to hug me and tell me that they were here for me.
Once everyone was gone, Harry and I just laid on the bed in a comfortable silence. I don’t know how long we sat there but Harry soon started singing a song that shockingly comforted me more than anything else that happened today.
Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we'd be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn't he lovely made from love
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
Through us he's given life to one
But isn't she lovely made from love
Isn't she lovely
Life and love are the same
Life is Aisha
The meaning of her name
Londie, it could have not been done
Without you who conceived the one
That's so very lovely made from love
Harry and I then just hummed the melody of the song and before I knew it, I was slowly drifting off to sleep.
It’s been an hour since I found out I lost the baby. An hour that I’ve felt empty and alone. I refused to see anyone because I couldn’t face them. How could I let this happen? It was all my fault. How could Harry look at me the same way. I was the reason why I lost the child. I had uterine fibroids that caused the baby to die. How could I have not known that? I was crying and beating myself up when the door to my room opened and I looked up to see Harry with red rimmed eyes and a worried look in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered breaking down again, “This is all my fault.”
Harry quickly crossed the room and wrapped me up in his arms.
“This is all my fault,” I sobbed, “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
“Love,” Harry whispered making me look up at him, “I don’t hate you and please don’t say that this is all your fault. It’s not. I’ve been talking to the doctors and they said that it is natural to have uterine fibroids. Most of the time you don’t even know you have them until something else happens.”
I couldn't respond to what Harry was saying because all I could see in Harry’s eyes were pain and sadness. I had caused that. I made my husband, the love of my life, sad because of this miscarriage. I was about to say something when Harry saw the look in my eyes.
“Don’t you dare say that if I want a divorce I should get one,” Harry said wiping away my tears, “Am I broken because we lost the baby? Yes. Am I blaming you for the death? No and I will never blame you for that. Do I want a divorce because of this? No way in hell. I love you Kenni. I’ll always love you no matter what happens. I married you for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. You are my wife and I am your husband. Together we are going to get through this.”
I then just clutched his shirt and we sat in our hospital room together and cried. I don’t know how long we sat there until there was a knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.
“I’m really sorry to interrupt Mr. and Mrs. Styles but we need a name to put on the birth and death certificate,” she said.
“Was it a girl or a boy?” I asked quietly I stopped listening to the doctors after I found out I had a miscarriage.
“A boy,” the nurse said and my heart broke even further.
“Could you give us a minute love?” Harry asked, “I can come find you when we decide.”
“I’ll be back in a little bit then,” she said, “And I’m really sorry. I know the words don’t help but I understand what you two are going through. My husband and I just went through a miscarriage last year.”
I head perked up at my nurse and she gave me a sympathetic smile.
“I know you feel its your fault but truly it’s not,” she said, “If you need anything just buzz alright.”
We nodded our heads and she shut the door and we looked at each other.
“It was a boy,” I whispered looking at my legs.
“Please don’t beat yourself up,” Harry begged and I looked up at him.
“How can I not Haz?” I asked, “I was going to give you a boy to keep the family name alive and I took it all away from you.”
“Hey,” Harry said and I looked up at him, “We will have a baby boy and a baby girl and maybe twins someday but right now the big man upstairs has a different plan for us right now okay? We will try again and again and again until we can have our bundle of joy to raise together okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered and looked up at him, “So what do you want to name him?”
“How about we name his Michael Louis Styles,” Harry said, “That way we use both of our names that we wanted in the name.”
“You don’t want to name him after your father?” I asked.
“You don’t either?” he replied and I sighed.
“I like that name,” I replied and smiled lightly for the first time in what felt like forty-eight hours.
“I’ll go tell the nurse alright,” Harry said and I nodded my head.
Harry got out of the bed and kissed me before he left. I then took a good look around my room and I realized how much I hated hospitals with their plain white walls, clean smell, and all the beeps and noises from the hallway and other rooms. I was trying to not think about the miscarriage when Harry opened the door and stuck his head in.
“You think you’re up for some visitors?” he asked.
“Is everyone here?” I asked quietly picking at the hospital bed.
“Pretty much,” he said, “but we can do small groups if you can’t handle a lot of people.”
“No,” I said quietly, “Everyone can come in if they want. I just need you by me. I don’t think I can keep myself from crying right now.”
“I understand sweetheart,” he said, “I’ll be right back okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered and waited for him to return.
Two minutes later, Harry came in with our parents and they all apologized and hugged me and tried to get me to smile. The boys and their girlfriends came in right after with my favorite comfort foods to try and help calm me down. It was nice to know how loved I was with my friends and family but I just felt so helpless and guilty about everything. Everyone was talking quietly amongst themselves when I felt a nudge and I looked up from the spot on the floor I was staring at to find Harry looking at me worried.
“I’m fine,” I lied, “Just thinking.”
“You’re lying,” Harry whispered and I frowned.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I just can’t stop my mind from going a mile a minute. It’s just hurting too much. . .”
“I know love,” Harry said kissing the top of my head, “but it hurts me even more when I see you so upset about this and I can’t do anything to help.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again and Harry shook his head and captured my lips in his.
When he pulled away, he looked at me.
“I don’t want to hear ‘I’m sorry’ for a while either,” he said, “You just talk to me whenever you feel down okay?”
“Okay,” I said quietly and cuddled closer to Harry.
“Well we’re going to head out,” the boys said.
“I think you need some sleep Kenni,” Delilah said.
“I think I have to agree with you,” I whispered and everyone came over to hug me and tell me that they were here for me.
Once everyone was gone, Harry and I just laid on the bed in a comfortable silence. I don’t know how long we sat there but Harry soon started singing a song that shockingly comforted me more than anything else that happened today.
Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we'd be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn't he lovely made from love
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
Through us he's given life to one
But isn't she lovely made from love
Isn't she lovely
Life and love are the same
Life is Aisha
The meaning of her name
Londie, it could have not been done
Without you who conceived the one
That's so very lovely made from love
Harry and I then just hummed the melody of the song and before I knew it, I was slowly drifting off to sleep.
8/7/13