We were set up to lose and it only felt like love.

My heart beats in my chest a mile a minute. My hands are shaking so I clasp them together and keep walking inside smiling at those I pass by.

No doubt Louis is going to talk to me about what happened outside. Two years ago I would have been shaking. Now, I just want to get it over with so he can continue to enjoy his celebration.

"Hey," Ben gently says. He hands me a flute glass filled with a brown bubbly drink. I look at it and back at him, "It's coke," he chuckles.

"Thanks." I take a sip from the glass hoping that the hundred levels of awkward I feel will evaporate along with me into the floor boards.

We stand together in silence. I'm too preoccupied wondering what Louis must be saying to Harry. Ben's stare remains forward as he nurses his own glass which I am envious to see that it's alcohol.

"Are you having a good time?" Ben says breaking the horrid silence.

I look at him and smile as best I can. "Yes, you're quite the party planner, Benjamin."

He shoves me playfully then while laughing, "I'm happy you're here."

And for a few minuets it feels like it used. Like Ben and I are best friends again, like he never hated me, like we never drifted.

"I'm happy I'm here too," I admit truthfully hoping Ben will still know me well enough to know that I meant it. Because I do. I really do.

Even though I've made questionable, and destructive choices for my new mental health in the last few minuets, I'm so happy I chose to come and see Louis and Ben get married, even if I feel like an outsider. For Louis' I'd put up with it for a few hours.

"I can't believe you're married, Ben, and to Louis at that."

Ben ducks his head down bearing a smirk while sipping his glass. He lets out an abrupt laugh,

"Remember when I couldn't stand the idiot? Fuck, I use to despise him."

"And look how it all turned out," I chortle. "I can't believe how much has happened in the last few years."

"I know. Life is crazy."

"Yeah," I sigh.

I hate this part. It's where we both run out of things to say because we are no longer friends who know everything about each other like we once were. No, now we are acquaintances,barely, who have become practically strangers who seem to only be stuck on the good times of the past and the closes thing we have to discussing the present is the weather.

It's terribly depressing.

"Hey, Presley--" but before Ben can continue, Harry's family walks up to us. Both women look at me with intense eyes and easy smiles. Both make my shoulders tense because now, also with Ben, I feel terribly outnumbered.

"Hello," I smile at both of them and enjoy the look of surprise that flashes in their eyes by my greeting. "Haven't seen you both in so long."

Gemma wraps her arms around me tightly, "I've missed you." I hear the sincerity in her voice. It soothes me momentarily... And then Anne embraces me and I forget what comfort is.

Her arms go around my waist in a tight grip. "Hello, darling."

She releases and I move to stand near Ben who seems to understand my slight edge as his arm goes around my waist. I look at him in surprise and gratitude.

He looks at me and it reminds me of who we used to be.

"We were hoping you'd agree to have to dinner with us sometime this week?" Gemma asks not noticing Ben and I's exchange.

"I'd love to but--" both women look at me sadly. They both think I'm about to deny their request and I am but not for the reasons they might think. i take in their features and shake my head, "No, please don't think it's because I don't want to have dinner with you guys."

"Then what is it?"

"I have to head back to New York tomorrow for work."

Only Gemma nods understanding my reasoning. Anne simply stares with a sad look draped over her face. I feel terrible that I can't comply but I won't apologize. That was the old me and I won't reel her back in just so Anne won't look so wounded.

"We're very proud of you, sweetheart," Anne says then. Her hand rests on my arm and she smiles gently. "You're doing amazing for yourself."

She has the same smile as her son. Both smiles are homey and sweet. Both give me warm feelings in my chest.

"Thank you," I say. "When I come back--"

"Promise?" Gemma says before I can even finish. The excitement is sparkling in her eyes and I can't help myself but nod.

Louis practically storms in then and his eyes flash with relief when he spots me with Ben. He walks over to us and smiles at both the women who return his greeting. He grabs my hand and excuses us.

My heart only speeds up slightly.

I look at my best friend and I know I fucked up because I can't meet his eyes. I'm not ashamed but I'm afraid that he is of me. Fuck.

"If you so much as ignore any one of my daily texts when you leave I will personally fly to New York and slap that pretty face of yours."

I can pick up on the teasing but I can also detect the seriousness. I have no doubt that Louis will follow through. The dick is my best friend after all.

A laugh bubbles up my throat and my heart constricts, "I'm going to miss you so much, Lou."

Louis face brightens and his eyes crinkle with joy. "Being the love of your life and all, I fucking hope you're going to miss me."

"So you still love me then?"

He knows why I'm asking this. I was caught red handed like a teenager sneaking in. I can't find any excuses or lie my way out of this. Part of me is only joking but the other part, the louder side, is serious and Louis can tell.

He sighs and wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace. His kisses the side of my head and says,"Just promise me you'll give him hell for being such a dick?"

I pull back almost in shock, "What?"

His face breaks out into a mischievous smirk. He winks at me and leans in to kiss my cheek quickly, "I love you, Pretzel."

I hug him then. I hug him because Louis is my constant.
****
4 hours later... 3:44 am.

My parents flew back home straight after the reception. Dad only has a few days left of treatment before he's done. His hair is growing back and mom doesn't cry anymore.

Harvey made me promise to teach him how to video chat because he swears that only speaking to me over the phone is not enough. He hugged me and told me that he's having dinner with my mom in a month when he's in town. Harvey was close to crying. I've never seen him so happy, so...okay.

Ben and I shared a tight hug. A hug that was like old times. Anne and Gemma didn't want to let go and it made me smile. They're good people. They're kind but I have to remind myself that I owe them nothing.

That I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Louis called me twenty minuets ago. He and Ben are headed to a private jet. They're going on their honeymoon. Louis and Ben are in love and I'm in love with their love. They make me so happy and deep down they make me so sad because they remind me of what I once had.

It's almost four and I can't sleep. I've tried tea, I've tried watching the Telly, I've walked around. But being back in my old apartment... Finally having the courage to set foot in this tainted place is screwing with my head. Dad left food in the fridge and mom left shoes in the guest room. I know this place felt like home to them but to me it's a shattered home.

I want it to be home again, I want my home back but all I see this place as is tainted. It makes leaving easier.

I'm on the floor in front of the fire place just starring absentmindedly when there is a sudden knock on the door. I don't think much of it as I open it. I only come back to reality when I see Harry on the other side. My heart stammers in my chest, I forget what words are and I have to remember how to breathe.

"Hi," he says gently. It's so cold that I can see his breath.

I shake my head trying to clear my thoughts, "Harry? How did-- how did you know I'd be here?"

"Lou."

My eyes widen, "Louis told you?" I half don't believe him. I half want to call Louis.

He nods, "Can I come in? I'm freezing." And I believe him because I can see him shivering.

I open the door wider and allow him access inside of my home that he ruined. He looks around as I close the door behind him.

"Your flat is perfect."

I shrug hoping he'll tell me what he wants. I keep my distance from him because I can't have a repeat of before. Sadly I'm still weak. It's pathetic.

"Do you need something?" I ask bluntly.

He looks at me then, his pretty green eyes are sad. They make me sad.

"I miss you," he says softly. He walks towards me and grabs my hands. His thumbs rub along the tops of my hands, "It's not easy watching your person leave."

I would know. I've been put through it countless times, ironically, all by the same man standing in front of me.

"It's four in the morning," is all I can say because I've forgotten what words are. But I see the look on Harry's face and I can't force myself to kick him out. It'd hurt us both. Me more. "Come," I mumble.

I go back to my place in front of the fireplace and sigh when I feel Harry sit behind me. His arms go around my stomach and his legs are on either side of me. I'm letting myself give in. I want it to feel like home. Even if it's only for a few hours.

I lean back against him, "We are such messes."

Harry laughs behind me, "Being put together is boring." His hand finds its way around until it's tangled with mine. He squeezes my fingers gently, "I can't sleep." He admits.

"Me either."

"I don't sleep much," Harry adds. "I miss you."

My heart speeds up, "I miss you too."

"Then why didn't you say good bye?"

"Because, Hazard, I had a feeling you'd find me."

I feel him chuckle behind and his one arm around me tighten. "Like I could stop myself. That's just not me, baby."

We both laugh then. The air around us is nice. It's homey. I forgot what it was like to be with my person. I guess now I know why so many kill themselves because of love.

"Hey," Harry whispers. He helps me turn until I'm sitting on my side now being able to face him. I look into his eyes and any sense of strength or reality is gone. I only see Harry. My person. "I love you."

"Yeah?" I half whisper.

He nods and kisses me quickly, "I love you so much." He says it with so much sincerity I can't do anything but believe him. And I do. So much that I feel small and young.

"It's the dark hair," I whisper.

His pink lips smirk at me, "It's just you." He rests his forehead against mine and I can feel his breath on my lips. "I love you."

"Good, baby, baby, baby."

Notes

Omg