Was it love when you stole my piece of mind.

"Hey dad," I hold the phone to my ear as I look at the invite on my desk.

It's silver and white. It's exactly what Ben would choose and what Louis would agree on because he knows these are Ben's favorite colors, and Lou is in love with the dreamy look Ben gets every time he smiles or talks about things he loves like the cafe.

I hear it is doing exceptionally well. George still comes around, the new barista isn't too painful, and Ben doesn't have to work so hard anymore since business is booming.

I would know because Louis keeps me up to date with his life. We talk every day. He texts me hourly and when he doesn't do that he'll face time or Skype me. It's like I never left. Secretly i think it is Louis' subconsciously trying to keep me close despite our distance because he is afraid.

"Hey baby, Lou keeps pestering me. Will you tell him that you received his invite?"

"Is he there now?" I laugh. Louis has been adamantly nervous. My dad says he's a heaping mess who can barely eat with his sudden change of emotions.

"Pretzel!" I have to move the phone from my ear as he shouts my name over and over. I can picture him bouncing.

I chuckle to myself as I try to multitask, "Louis, you'd think you'd stop missing me by now. I just spoke to you an hour ago not to mention the three hour conversation we had on Skype with El-bell yesterday. I'm starting to think you're in love with me."

He laughs and I hear him moving around apologizing as he runs into someone.

He snorts, "Like you'd ever go for me."

"Very true." I sign the last document and breathe relieved as my fingers can finally rest. "What are you doing with my parents you freak?" My parents are staying in my old apartment until after Louis' wedding.

The apartment had been refurnished with new floors, everything was replaced. All traces of past residents gone. It was new, untainted. It was a start that I still can't spend more than a few hours in without feeling dirty.

I haven't spent a night there yet. I can't without getting disgusting thoughts.

"I miss you," he cutely says. He will always tell me this when he feels sentimental. When he starts to think I've stopped caring about him. I could never. "Just wanted to come see your room again and read your journal. It's still where we hid it."

"You're still reading that? I thought you got over it?"

When Louis first read my journal he cried and apologized a thousand times. He was the most vulnerable I have ever seen him. Just the thought hurts me, it makes me hate myself for even showing it to him.

"I read it when ever I start to miss you. It's like you're here."

I smile sadly, "Why don't you just call me then, Lou? You know I'd answer no matter what I'm doing."

He sighs, "I know," I hear a door closing and him getting comfortable...most likely on my bed. "How's the book coming along?"

"Fine, I've finished the acknowledgement page. Finally. James is buzzing." People think James is my boyfriend. They haven't figured that the other man I'm always seen with is his husband. "And yes I have received your invite. You can leave my dad alone."

"I just don't want you having any excuses not to come."

I run my hand through my hair and huff, "Louis--"

He cuts me off, "Presley, you have every reason not to come and you know it. You and Ben haven't spoken in two years, you've cut all ties with Anne and Gem--"

"You know why I Did that." I say interrupting him.

The first few times Anne or Gemma would call it'd be nice. I was grateful they still wanted anything to do with me. By the third they started mentioning things from my past to make me feel bad. I haven't figured out if it was in purpose or not. All I know is that by the fourth attempt to guilt me into coming home to him I blocked their numbers and did my best not to crumble with guilt.

"Babe, I know. What they were trying to do was selfish. I'm just saying I know they'd be a perfect reason for you not to come on Saturday... Even though you are my best man."

Louis has too much faith in me. He has too much love for me. I don't deserve him.

"Let's work on your vows," I say. I hold my breath when he remains silent.

My voice comes out desperate in a subtle way. I'd rather change the subject before he can name my biggest reason. I can't even think straight when he's mentioned. He still makes me weak. That much has not changed, though, I still have hope that it will change with time.

He sighs dejected. I feel the guilt within me. I can sense his disappointment.

"Okay," he mumbles. "I'll FaceTime you."
****

"Have you decided if you're going," James asks me holding the white envelope that contains Louis' invite. He looks at me softly trying to read my face.

With my throat dry, I shrug, "No and I feel terrible because he's my best friend. I shouldn't even have to think about it."

"Sure , he's your best friend... Who's marrying your other best friend whom you've not spoken to for two years. I won't even mention the rest of the people that you have every right to not want to see," Sebastian, James' husband, adds.

I glare at the empty suitcase sitting on my bed and ignore my ringing phone because I know it's Louis. I know what he's going to ask me. I don't have an answer. And I won't lie to him.

James picks up my phone, "It's Louis again," he holds it out to me and rolls his eyes when I don't take it. "Presley, will you answer him? He's been calling you for two days now!"

I roll my eyes, "I'm aware."

"You're very annoying," he grumbles leaning into his husband who pats his back. "How did I end up being your agent, you brat."

I arch my brow at the idiot, "Besides you begging me until I agreed to sign with you?"

"Ouch," he chuckles.

He straightens his posture and kisses the side of Sebastian's head. They make me happy and terribly sad. They remind me of what I used to have. Of what destroyed me. They remind me of him. Because it is his face that I see when I think of love.

I'm still rooting that, that will change too.

"In all seriousness, Presley. I do need your decision so I can book you a ticket on time. I'd need an answer by the end of the day." He looks at his watch and makes a face, "Maybe a bit earlier if you want to fly with us."

They are too excited about meeting the rest of the guys. It had been Sebastian's dream for ever. Louis told me they were the first to RSVP.

"I will let you know," I mumble still glaring at my empty suite case.

"You'd better," he grabs his husband's hand and they begin walking to the door. "We've got reservations so try not to get into trouble without me. Let me know your decision soon." He says over his shoulder.

They turn to wave and walk out leaving me alone with my indecisive mind.

I lay on my bed with my arms crossed over my chest praying that my phone stops ringing. When it does I pick it up and click it on ignoring all of Louis' attempts at trying to reach me. Instead I click on a different name and sigh. After a few rings I finally hear his voice.

"Presley, my favorite person, how are you sweetheart?"

"I'm good, I've missed you Harvey. How's the new wife?"

Harvey got married a few months ago to a Lily. They had met a the grocery market when they both reached for the same carton of eggs. They got married eight months later. Harvey now looks a lot like Louis. They're both idiots in love.

"Good! My Lily is great. Are we going to be seeing you tomorrow?"

I sigh at his question because I've been asked this far too many times. "I'm not sure, honestly. I shouldn't even question it, huh? I should just go because he's my best friend."

"Well, I think you have every right to not want to go, kid. Louis' would understand. He told me so himself."

I sit up straight, surprised at what I'm hearing, "He did?"

He laughs, "Yes. He's going crazy that you haven't answered any of his calls and messages. Why have you disappeared on him?"

I groan at the ceiling, "I haven't decided if I want to go yet and I can't answer and lie to him. I love Louis' way too much to hurt and disappoint him with my empty promises."

"You could just tell him that?"

"He's Louis! He'd want an answer."

"Yeah," he chuckles. "I know you don't like talking about it but maybe you should tell Louis the real reason why you don't know if you can go..." He says with a serious voice. "We all know it's him you're afraid to see. Everyone else be damned."

My heart sinks into my stomach, "He's not," I try pathetically. "He's ruined my life enough, Harvey. Me not wanting to go is just me not wanting to deal with everyone in general not just him."

"Alright, I'll pretend I believe you even though this is me you're talking to. " He murmurs. I pick up his slight disappointment. It sounds a lot like Louis'. "If you ask me I think you can handle it. These two years have done you amazing. You're you again even on the bad days. You're sober and gorgeous. If I were you I'd go just to show everyone how good you look."

I roll my eyes and laugh, "You're an idiot."

"I'm also serious." I yawn and rub my eyes. This wedding has me up at night. That and his face popping into my head. "Rest, sweetheart. Call me tomorrow if you decide to stay home. I love you."

I sigh and turn on my side, "Okay. I love you too." He clicks the call and I drop my phone by my head. I close my eyes hoping to be able to make a decision when I wake up...

I wake up six hours later after my dream. I am a sweaty mess with shaking hands. I pant, trying to clear my clouded head. All I could see was black and Louis. He was ashamed of me, disappointed beyond belief. He was done with me and my weakness.

Louis has done so much for me. He took care of me, he fed me when I couldn't feed myself. He slept with me and most nights he would stay awake just to make sure I was okay and that I slept through the night.
He became my person.

Louis asked me to be his best man and I can't even show up because I'm too scared of my past.

It hits me then I scramble around looking for my phone. I curse when the screen lights up and I see the time and a bunch of missed calls from Louis and James and Sebastian. It is two am. I was supposed to have an answer hours ago.

But my small brain does not care and I call James quickly.

"What?" He snaps sleepily. "Seriously, Presley, I'm sleeping."

"I need a ticket for the wedding!" I say urgently. I screw my eyes shut hoping he'll say we still have time.
My hope comes crashing down when he says, "Are you stupid? It's two am. I needed an answer by ten. We called you."

"I fell asleep," I mumble on the verge of tears. "James, please."

He groans, "You're seriously ruining my plans," he grumbles. "I'll see what I can do." He hangs up and i hope James can do this. I'll never ask him for anything else if he can do this. I need him to do this.
****

I feel someone shaking me. My sleepy, slow mind has only just started to clear up. I open my eyes too see James grinning down at me. He's dressed comfortably in sweats. Sunglasses on his head.

I look at the clock on my wall and groan, "It's 5 am," I whine.

"Yes," he says with glee. James is a morning person. I want to hit James for being a morning person.

"Seb and I are headed to the airport." I sit up lethargically. His smile gives me nothing. It just makes me angry that he is so happy this early in the day. "I've got good news and bad news," he then says.

"Just spit it out," I say losing my patience. I just want to know if I'm going or if I'll be home crying.

"Good news is that I got you a ticket and hotel to crash in." I open my mouth to thank him a billion times but he stops me before the first syllable can come out. "Bad news is that you still might not make it on time." He pulls what I'm assuming is my ticket from his back pocket and hands it to me. "You leave at ten in the morning and hopefully you'll get there at six thirty minuets before the ceremony."

I swallow thickly and even though I want to pull my hair out I have to appreciate that this is a lucky break. That without James I wouldn't be going at all. So I reach up and kiss his cheek. I smile at his surprised gasp.

"Thanks James," I say sincerely holding the ticket tightly in my hand.

He beams down at me and ruffles my bed head, "Anything for you mate. I'll see you there."

"Safe flight," I call out. I thank him when he says it back.

Once I'm alone I get up and start to pack. I've got a total of four hours before I have to head to the airport. That means in that in these four hours I have to try and find any strength and will within me that I can use so that I don't chicken out.

I can already feel my hands shaking and my stomach churning.

I've got a million reasons not to go. They're good reasons. They're reasons that anyone would take seriously. But I've got one reason more important than any of those for me to go and that's. Louis.
****

It is Six thirty-five. My stupid flight was late, I had to get dressed on the plane. I had to do my hair, make up, motivational speech all on the plane.

I also had two crying fits on there as well. One when I realized I might not get there on time and Louis would without a doubt hate me. And the second when I realized he was going to be there.

I was going to see him after two years. That terrifies me. Seeing him terrifies me. Because I'm okay in Knew York. I'm me there. I can walk past the magazines with his face on them and ignore the sinking feeling I get. I can ignore all of the dating rumors having to do with him.

I can be me and I can write for Caleb and I.

But knowing he'll be there tonight makes my legs tremble and my heart start to beat erratically.

I was running as fast as I could in my heels, past all of the fans and press being kept far away from the building. I was in such a rush I didn't have time to pay attention to the intrusive questions being shouted at me.

I had forgotten how cold it would be here and stupidly I had left my coat in my hotel room. I had to show the security my wristband that came with invite and I almost slipped twice.

I can hear violins playing as I get closer and my chest is beginning to burn with my running. Luckily, I wasn't cold anymore. When I finally reach my destination I see Louis' back and scream for him to wait.

He spins to look at me. A giant grin forms on his face as I run into his arms. I am panting in his embrace, my shoes hurt, and I've forgotten my phone. But it doesn't matter when I see Louis. When I see how happy he is. He looks so stunning that I can easily ignore all the eyes on me.

Until I catch a glimpse of the familiar green eyes that were once my home.

Even Louis can't make me ignore his eyes.

Notes

This story is my Bitch.