H.P.O.V

I'd give you all my money and my name if you just let me see you. You don't even have to smile.

My pride is gone, it's out the window. My manhood means shit to me as I fall onto my bed crumbled and crying.

I'm on my bed crying like I never had before.

If I had been home. My actual home that Presley and I had built together. Where we were happy and she was mine still. Where I deserved her. Had my wife seen me she would have scooped me up into a tight hug, kissed the top of my head, and held me until I stopped shaking.

Even if it took hours, she wouldn't budge. I missed that. I missed my home with her, missed her smile, and the way she would kiss me even with her lipstick done.

She was home, and I decided to move.

I wish I could come home. I wish I hadn't of hurt my home.

I hate myself and I can't believe it took this long to realize what I wanted. That it was never Natalie and her short skirts, and outrageous see through tops.

I didn't want to be single or free. I hate that I was mean to my wife, that she's cried because I was going mad with guilt. That she was the one who received the brunt of my anger.

I don't even know how I could be so stupid. How I could spend an afternoon with Natalie and then come home like nothing had happened.

I deserve this pain. I deserve to suffer.

I hear the front door open and grow frustrated. I don't know why I only know seeing the girl I got involved with, that I gave this apartment to without having any right, is infuriating.

I wipe my eyes and walk to the invading sounds. I roll my eyes at her shopping bags and I want to scream at her when I see her breakfast dishes on the counter. My wife would've cleaned up after herself. She would've already been home holding me as I cried. She would be here drinking tea by my side not out spending money on the latest and ugliest trends. She'd be here, cuddled by my side enjoying our time together. she'd be laughing at my jokes even though they're awful. She'd be here and she'd be mine still.

"We need to talk," I spat, feeling the anger and extreme guilt of the day racing through my blood.

She spins, her blue eyes widening with surprise. "Babe, I didn't hear you coming." She leans in to give me a kiss and frowns when I pull back. My self hatred only grows when I think back at to all of the times I should've pulled back. "What's your problem?"

"I can't see you anymore," I"d rather get right down to it. Save her the energy of having to change my mind. And she won't. "I'm sorry Natalie but we can't be together anymore."

"What? Why? You said you were getting a divorce to be with me!" Natalie is clearly upset. She's begun to cry, and she's been trying to hold my hand. "Why are you doing this?" She cries like she's being stabbed.

Like she's the one who's been affected by our affair.

"Because I love my wife," I say clearly. "Today I Remebered why she's the love of my life. Why I never should have gotten involved with you." It was the way she had only asked for her old apartment back and showed up with no lawyer. It's the way I know she doesn't hate me, how she's willing To sacrifice herself to see me happy.

She trusted me enough not to need back up. She still loved me and I don't deserve it. I deserve to be hated by the love of my life. By the only person who is my kryptonite.

"You said she bored you! That you're too young to be tied down! What, now that's changed?"

I don't want to answer anymore questions. Especially not to someone who didn't give a single shit that she was with a married man. Who thinks it is okay to be so awful. She is a horrible person and she is exactly what I deserve.

I'm itching to see my wife and get on my knees to beg for forgiveness. "Marge, my lawyer will help you get settled in a new apartment by the end of this week. The first two months rent will be covered and then that's it. You go your own way and I'll go mine. What we had is over, I'm married and I plan on it being that way for the rest of my life. Be ready to leave by tonight. I've set up a room at the hotel a few miles back. Marge will get in touch with you about your new flat later tonight."

"You can't just leave me!" She tries again to grab my hand. "Harry, baby, you love me! We are meant to be."

"We are horrible people, Natalie. We don't deserve shit."

"Then what the fuck makes you think she's going to want someone like you back? You were a dick! So instead of wasting your time stay with me so you're not alone for the rest of your life." She barks at me with a glare.

I grab my keys on the way to the door. I spin to give Natalie one last silent look and fuck. This is the best decision I've made lately. I feel nothing as I see Natalie mumbling furiously on her phone, even with tears streaming down her face. I wonder what I saw in her in the first place. How I ever touched her.

I hate myself. Fuck, I've never hated myself this much and rightly so because I'm the worlds biggest idiot who's just possibly destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I blamed her for an accident that hurt her the same if not worse. I caused her so much paint because I was angry. I cheated because I thought she deserved it. I am filthy.

I'm trash.

I'm worthless.

She deserves the world. She deserves someone who is so much more than I am.

I buckle my seatbelt as My phone buzzes against my thigh and I should just get rid of it. No one calls me anymore and when I call them they never pick up.

I stare down at the screen frowning when I don't recognize the number or area code.

"Hello?"

"You total fuck up," I know it is Harvey as soon as I hear his greeting. I wince at his bitter, drunk tone.

"Harvey," I murmur slowly. "Are you okay?" He sounds drunk and furious. "How did you get my number?"

"How did you manage to fuck up so bad?" He answers with a question of his own. "Really, Harry, how did you do it? Show me your ways so I can die alone too."

"Harvey, listen--"

"No you listen," he cuts me off quickly and I wince again, "You're a joke. You're a fucking sick joke. Why the fuck are you even trying anymore? Leave her alone. Let her actually live without constantly feeling like total shit because you somehow got her to believe she wasn't enough, when it was you who was never enough!"

I wait silently and pinch the bridge between my nose as I try not to cry. Again.

"You've fucked up enough and now you're going to get what's coming to you. So if you want to show that you're not the cruelest prick to walk the earth you'll do what you should've done a long time ago and you'll leave her alone. You'll forget about her and let her move on. Let her fucking breathe!"

"I don't--"

"Enough with the fucking 'I'! I'm warning you, Harry, stay away from my grandchild. I won't let you fuck up her life anymore. Keep your little mistress, Bitch is all you need right?"

"No," I croak. "She's not."

"She must be. You threw everything away for her."

"Harvey, I'm going to try--"

"You're going to leave her alone is what you're going to do," he cuts me off again. This time his tone is deadly and serious. "You don't get to ruin someone's life and then pretend like all you have to do is apologize. If I get one more call from Louis--"

"Louis called you?" I ask suddenly interrupting him. "Why did he call you?"

"Don't you fucking worry about that. Bloke still wants nothing to do with your cheating ass."

My heart hurts and my chest aches. Harvey is only telling me what I already know. He has every right to do this to me because I deserve it.

I furiously wipe my eyes, "I know."

"Lose her number, Harry. Leave again and this time don't come back because if Louis calls me up again saying you're trying to get Presley to talk to you I'll deal with you myself and I'll fucking destroy you. I have nothing to lose." He hangs up abruptly and I finally let the tears fall.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I need to leave forever. Maybe death needs to come sooner than expected.

Notes

Don't hurt your person and expect sympathy.