I looked away for a second and you were gone. I held my breath waiting for you to come back, and I suffocated.

Monday

"How are you?"

I'm not very good, I think. But instead I say, "Fine, Hazard. How are you?"

Harry sighs deeply, "Worried." He states, lips clacking and words barely registering in my mind.

"That's great," I mumble, eyes focused on the computer screen.

"Baby--"

I finally look away from the screen, "Harry, baby, you know I love paying attention to you, and making you my number one priority, and such. But right now I'm trying to learn."

"That's why I'm worried, Presley. You've been in this same spot for two days now. Have you once used the toilet? Eaten?"

"Harry, stop," I hiss annoyed.

Harry sighs frustrated. He shakes his head and walks away, already knowing how it'll end if he continues. I feel bad. I do. But with everything going on,I can't focus on him. Maybe that's how I know this is serious.

Tuesday

Leukemia is cancer of the blood cells. It starts in the bone marrow, the soft tissue inside most bones. Bone marrow is where blood cells are made.

I can hear them talking out there. It's distracting.

"Where is she now?" Ben asks.

Great. They're here. They're going to ask me how I'm doing, and I don't know how to answer so they'll believe me.

"Probably in our room, on the web." Harry says. He sounds drained, ready to crash from the burn out of having to deal with me. "I don't know lads. M'worried."

I have enough energy to yell at Harry, but after that I'll be done, and then what? I'm useless. Just like all the fucking doctors I've called.

When you have leukemia, the bone marrow starts to make a lot of abnormal white blood cells, called leukemia cells. They don't do the work of normal white blood cells. They grow faster than normal cells, and they don't stop growing when they should.

When a family member is sick, the entire family is sick. Why don't they mention that? Why don't they tell you what to do?

The door squeaks open, "Pretzel? Babe, are you okay?"

"Fine, Lou," though in reality I'm shaking like a fucking leaf. "Please tell Ben that too, so he won't come in here, yeah?" Fear has made me mean, and angry. Or maybe it was life.

"Pres--"

"Louis, I'm fine and I need to learn about this, okay? Okay." He does the same thing Harry does. He sighs and I know he's frustrated. Maybe not the same way Harry is, but nonetheless he is, and I'm a shit.

I'm a mean, unbearable shit.

The door shuts and I'm back at it. Again.

Over time, leukemia cells can crowd out the normal blood cells. This can lead to serious problems such as anemia, bleeding, and infections. Leukemia cells can also spread to the lymph nodes or other organs and cause swelling or pain. There are several different types of leukemia. In general, leukemia is grouped by how fast it gets worse and what kind of white blood cell it affects.

Wednesday

"So you're okay?"

"As of right now, yes." My dad looks absolutely wrecked. His hair is gone, and so is the spark in his eyes. Dad doesn't have it in him to ignite it right now. But it's just temporary.

"M'glad you're doing well, sir," Harry adds. He curls his arm around my waist, and rubs his thumb where my shirt has risen up. "Anything you need, you let us know. Anything."

My dad smiles, "Thank you, Harry. Means a lot." He looks back at me, eyes softening, my throat burning. "Daddy's going to be okay, Presley, so you have to be okay too."

I lick my lips and get ready to lie. "I am, dad. Don't you worry about me."

"I will always worry about you."

"I know," I mumble. Which is why I have to up my lying game. "You look hot dad. The shaved head is my favorite."

"Mine too," mom smiles kissing dad's cheek. "Told you, you looked handsome."

Mom called a few hours ago. She was near hysterical, doing her best to hold it together. They had gotten back from a checkup, and dad had decided to buzz his peppered hair.

Mom says she hasn't seen him that sad since the night Caleb died.

"Gotta get used to it I guess," dad says while rubbing his shaven scalp. "How are Ben and Lou?"

"They send they're love," Harry smiles. "Ben's at work, and Louis' had a family emergency or something. They'll be here for the next time we chat."

"Good," dad musters, looking down at him watch. "We've got to go," he says disappointedly. The same way my heart feels. "I've got an appointment in an hour."

"Okay," here comes the true test. "Call me when it's over. Make sure to tell me everything."

"Always will," he promises. "I love you, bear. So, so much. See you soon."

"I--yeah. Okay. I love you too."

Thursday

My eyes won't stay open. They hurt. They're irritated.

Harry will lay with me. He likes to hold me close. Sometimes he'll sing quietly. Other times he'll tell me all of the reasons why it'll be okay. I don't know if I believe him.

Ben and Louis stopped by.

They came into the room, but my eyes still wouldn't open. They're just too tired. My head, my arms, my legs. Everything I am is tired.

"At least she's actually sleeping." Harry says with a slight edge. "I'm doing my best, Louis."

"And that's why I'm suggesting you sleep too. Fuck, Harry, I don't know why you're taking it up the ass."

"Because you know I can't sleep. I've got to make sure she's okay, first."

"Harry I'll do that while you rest," I think that's Ben. "For a few hours at least."

"M'not sleeping."

Harry really should though. Harry should get out while he can. I've got a feeling I'm going under. I don't want to take Harry down too.

Friday

"Oh my sweet, love, let me do my best to protect you," Harry's fingers run through my wet hair. The hot water is still not relaxing. This shower is useless.

Harry's got me close, and tight. Skin against skin. Water is falling on us, and it smells of him, and clean.
It's a nice smell I can't appreciate right now.

"I'm here, baby. I'm going to help you, but I need you to let me."

I nod against his wet shoulder.

His body loses the tension in his bones, and I feel a wet kiss somewhere on my head.

"I've been hurt by news before, Harry." He says nothing, and I'm grateful. "But the last time I ever felt this sore, they told me Caleb wasn't coming home."

Saturday

"How are you?"

"Fine, Harry." Harry's got some belief that says I can't be okay unless I've cried. But. That's useless.
Doctors and hope is useless.

"I was talking to my mum and she gave me a number for someone who can help, baby."

"Your mom? Really Hazard?" See, I would've considered listening to what he was saying. But then 'mum' left his lips and I was already over it.

"I know--"

"You obviously don't if you're telling me about it."

"Presley, I'm trying to help you. My mum went through the same thing."

"It's like, we've lived the same lives." Apparently I'm also sarcastic and bitter.

Harry looks down like he's trying to keep his words to himself. That's smart. I should learn how to do that too.

"Okay," he whispers. "I won't bring it up again." With his hand in his hair, he walks out.

Going under seems to be easier than I thought.

Sunday; 3:45am

I can't sleep tonight. I've tried, and I can't. I left the bed because if I didn't, Harry would wake up, and I've already in-convinced Harry enough as it is.

Also, I don't even want to use a chair. That's the only reason I'm leaning against the counter, knees pressed to my chest.

"Presley?...oh, baby."

"I'm fine, I'm-- fuck, Harry, I'm fine." But I think my wet cheeks are giving me away.

"Oh, my sweet baby girl, you're not fine are you?"

I shake my head, "I'm not," I cry.

Harry coos and I hate it as much as I love it when he does that. He drops down next to me, and swoops me onto his lap. His fingers brush over my hair, and he kisses my head. "I know darlin', I know."

And that's why I feel ridiculous. If Harry knew I wasn't okay, then that means my parents obviously knew too. That's selfish of me.

"It's going to be okay, Presley. I know you're scared and that's okay. You don't have to have it together all the time."

I shrug in his arms, "I'm sorry for being so mean to you, Harry. I have to apologize to Lou and Ben too,
hu?"

"No," Harry smiles. "But you're going to anyway, because you're my sweet baby."

"I'm a whimp, Harry. It has nothing to do with being sweet."

"No, you're kind my love. I think it's because life has been mean to you, and you don't want anyone to feel that way too."

I shrug again, and wipe my eyes. "Harry, what if my dad doesn't get better?"

"He will," Harry says firm. Like he's not giving me any room to disagree.

"But what if he doesn't."

"You can't think that way, Presley."

"Harry," I pull back. "I have too. I can't think that way with my family. But you have to let me with you, Harry. Please." I need to face the facts. Not everyone makes it.

Harry sighs, "I don't know what to say, baby. I hate that I can't promise you that he's going to get better. The only thing I can promise is that I'm going to be there for whatever happens. And even now that I'm saying that aloud, it doesn't sound like it's enough-- and it's so frustrating."

"It's enough baby, baby, baby." Whether he thinks it is or not. I reach up and kiss him quickly, "Don't tell my dad I'm scared, okay? I know he is and I don't want him to know I am too."

"Okay," he mumbles. "As long as you tell me when you get too scared. You like to shut yourself off when that happens, and that scares me."

"Yeah, I'll tell you." I'll try. Chances are I won't be too good at remembering that.

I yawn and Harry chuckles. "My baby is getting sleepy. Good." It's not good. I was going to do more research. Shit. "Let's go to bed, baby. Tomorrow we'll ring your dad, and you'll see he's going to get better."

But what if he doesn't? Then what am I supposed to do?

Notes

My birthday is on Saturday. My mom says her vagina is already remembering the pain...ewe.