It's okay to be afraid, and it's okay to hold my hand. It's okay. I'm scared too.

"Are you and Harry being weird or are you guys fighting--?" Harry walks by, barely smiling.

He's not over it.

I didn't expect him to get over it after a day, but I also wasn't expecting the grim, and wounded look he's been sporting. Or the confused, and sad glances he's been giving me, when he thinks I'm not looking.

I don't know how to tell him that I'm always looking at him.

Or that I didn't want to upset him, and it fucking sucks because I did. I think I hurt him too.

Harry isn't smiling like he has been these past few weeks. He's got his hands behind his back, as he nods to whatever Louis' is saying, and I know Louis' knows something is up. I know because Louis' curious eyes are not very subtle, and the hand he just placed on Harry's shoulder screams comfort, and at the same time stabs guilt into my stomach.

"We're fine," maybe if I say it enough I'll start to believe it too. "Thank you for this," I say with a small (and secretly sad) smile.

Ben's lips twitch into a frown, and I know he knows. Like he was there. "Whatever it is-- it'll work out, okay?"

My lips pucker, "Yeah, I know." But sometimes I think I'm way in over my head, and that I'm incapable of making Harry happy. Almost as if I've forgotten how too. "How are you and Louis?" Best to change the subject, I'm sure.

"Really good, actually," he grins big and bright. Really happy too, I think. "I really like that fucker."

I chuckle, "I would hope so."

A few seconds pass and I can see the way Ben is trying to find the right words to ask me. I know he wants to ask me and that's okay...but I don't want to answer, and I don't know if that's okay. Still, I can't take Ben's concern any longer. I can't stand the way he bites his lip nervously, or the way his eyes scan over my face as if he can read any sort of emotion.

But he can't, and it's because I've made it my mission to be neutral.

So I puff out a breath and say. "Harry asked me something, and I said no, Ben. That's it, okay? He's a bit upset and I'm-- I don't know." I sigh.

"What did he ask you? When?"

"Yesterday. He asked me yesterday and-- oh my parents are here!"

Ben rolls his eyes and promises that I won't get away with not telling him. But I'm too far away and my dad is here. My mom is here too but my dad is closer, and I like my dad. But he's not my favorite. He's not. (Maybe)

"There's my birthday bear!" Dad grins. "I can't believe you're twenty today! You're almost an adult!"

"Almost?" I legally became an adult two years ago...I know. I checked.

"Yes, almost. In my eyes you will always be my baby." He brings me in close for a hug. "Happy birthday my sweet, angle bear." I pull back and smile-- my first real smile. Dad hands me a small pink box. "Mom and I thought you'd like this."

Before I can ask him more, my mom appears from behind him, and engulfs me in her long arms. She pulls away with wet eyes. Of course she'd be the first to cry. She's such a mom. "My little baby is twenty! Oh I remember when you were in diapers--"

"Mom!"

"Alright," she murmurs with amusement. "Open it up, Jude. I think you'll really like this."

I'll ignore my middle name being said out loud, and I'll try my best not to feel Harry's puppy eyes on my back as I open this. One: because my parents seem really excited about this. Two: there is something off about my parents right now. I can feel it in the air.

I manage to undo the box with little to no effort, and I don't see much until the lid is completely off. Yet, when I do see what it is, my heart smiles, and my insides are washed over with a bittersweet joy.

I gasp as I pull it out, automatically leaning slightly on Harry as he walks up to us, curious as to what I am fawning over. And if my grin grows when Harry's hand is on my waist--well, no one needs to know.
No one also needs to know that I've missed him. Because I didn't.

"I thought this was...lost." I will do my best not to cry. Still, sometimes, my best isn't good enough.

"It was at first. They found it after--" my mom clears her throat and swipes under her eyes, as her smile reappears. She shakes her head, "Anyway, we got it back, and we think you need it more than we do. A reminder that our angle is looking over you, okay?"

When I first met Caleb, I was three or four. He had really cool pants with really nice pictures on them, and the softest, knitted sweater. I remember it was soft because that was the first time Caleb hugged me. My hair got stuck on his chain, and I remember wanting to touch the 'C' hanging from it. Caleb told me it was from his mom--who had left to go be with the angles in the sky, because they needed love, and he'd be fine since dad was there to love him plenty, and now I was going to be there to love him, and that we'd be sharing my mom who was going to love us a lot too.

After the accident, the necklace went missing, and my dad spent months looking for it, until one day we stopped wondering, and I guess I forgot.

Now it's in my hand, and it looks just like it did the first time. Minus the small scratch on the tiny corner.

"This--dad," I look up, amazed and unsure. "Dad you spent months looking for this."

"Yeah, but I also spent months missing you." Harry understands my father's words as much as I do. His arms tense slightly, and his fingers begin to twitch against my hip. "My boy--your brother, means so much to me, baby. Just like you do, and I can't help but feel that, that's why this came back to us. I think Caleb made sure it'd be here for you."

I smile softly and nod. I don't like it when dad gets choked up, or when mom has these hurt, doe eyes. I don't like it when Caleb's name is mentioned and everyone gets sad, because my brother was never sad.

"Are you okay, dad?"

Dad coughs and nods, nerves bouncing right off of him. "I--yes, yeah. Of course bear."

"Then why don't I believe you?"

"I'm just really happy," I still don't believe him. "I've been a bit sick lately, sweetheart. Kind of why I'm pale." My posture straightens, and Harry does his best to keep me by him. For comfort, I hope. "Presley, it's your birthday. Let's make it happy, okay?"

"For now," I warn. I won't let's this go, and if I do, it won't be for long. "Dad, I know you're hiding something and I don't like it."

He laughs, and my mom smiles. "Let's eat--"

"Yeah, but first I need to talk to Presley," Harry says right after. He drags me away, smiling at everyone.

Ben gives me a look as we pass him and Louis. Harry closes the door to his room, and exhales. "I... Presley," he seems to be struggling with words, and I seem to have forgotten what words are. "I miss you." He finally says, with a small frown. "I miss you, and I don't like this awkward--whatever it is."

I look down at the floor, not knowing what to say. I mean, I know. I just don't know how to say it.

"If you don't want to move in with me, I-- it's okay. I won't force you into anything."

I sigh and cross the room until I can hug him. "Baby, baby, baby. What am I going to do with you?"

"I don't mind, my love. I don't mind if it means I can still be yours." Harry whispers.

I smile against his shoulder, "You are so much more than just mine, Hazard."

****
Dinner was nice, and relaxing. Dinner was good, and Ben outdid himself. Ben seems really happy with Louis' and vice versa. Harry's seems better now too, and my mom is busy trying to pretend I'm not looking at her.

Same with my dad.

"What do you think Caleb would have said to you today?" Dad asks, breaking my concentration of trying to figure out his secret. "I think he'd be really proud of you."

"I think he would've killed me, dad."

"No, I think Caleb would have been seriously proud of you, Presley. Look at you, you're doing so much better, and you finally don't look so...not you."

I nurse my mug, and nod. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, dad."

"Well, that's just me, baby. Always trying to make my bear feel special." My cheeks heat up, and Harry giggles, his fingers toying with my hand. "Louis, isn't it cute when Presley gets embarrassed? Don't you feel a sense of pride when you cause it?"

"I sure do, Steve. Makes me happy to know how easy Pretzel can blush."

"You're both awful." I drop my head into the crook of my arm.

Harry (I think) leans over and kisses my hair. "I think you're magical."

"Suck up!" Ben shouts with a laugh. I pick my head up, and smirk. Only Ben would call out someone. It's what makes me love Ben, if I'm honest. He raises his glass and okay. I briefly think, shit, as everyone follows suit.

"Happy days my sweet. Happy birthday!"

Everyone clanks their glasses together, happily, and for once I feel a happy warmth.
It's nice.

"I have--," dad clears his throat and my mom grabs his hand. I don't know why the nerves have started bouncing within me. I just know I don't like it. At all. "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this," dad sputters.

My mom sighs deep and understanding. "I know sweetheart. There's no set instructions on these type of things, but we have too." And I don't like how that sounds. Don't like the way her voice trembles, and her eyes water.

"Dad--"

He holds his hand up, and smiles kindly. "I wish I could do this any other day, baby. I wish I had been able to give you more of a heads up." Dad shudders, my worry only growing. "Are you okay with me saying what I have to say in front of everyone, or would you rather it be you, mom, and I, and then we'll tell everyone else?"

I look around, surprising myself when I realize I'm comfortable with them being here. It's completely incredible, and I almost can't believe it. Still dad is obviously struggling with this, so instead I decide, "Whatever you feel most comfortable with, dad. I'm okay with anything."

Dad nods," Good, because I don't think I'd be able to say it again." He mumbles quick, and I almost struggle to understand it. Dad looks at us all contemplating whether this is a good decision, and I wish he'd just spill it. I'm loosing what's left of my sanity. I keep my mouth shut, though. I don't want to push my dad into saying anything prematurely and risk him changing his mind.

I wouldn't let him leave anyway.

"I've grown to love all of my kids friends, and I'm learning to love Harry, but--" he flashes Harry a quick smile, "I'll get there as long as my child is happy."

"Dad," I whine red in the face, as Harry shakes his head with a laugh.

"Okay, okay," dad chuckles. "I haven't been feeling very good...for a while now. I went in for a simple physical, knowing I haven't had one in a while--" dad looks down, and it begins to dawn on me. Something is seriously wrong, and I'm forgetting how to breathe properly. "I-- I'm so sorry I have to say this on your special day, Presley."

"Dad it's fine, but you're making me anxious. Please-- with all due respect, can you just spit it out?" Dad's smile is forced and my mom is about to break. Though, that's normal. She's emotional. "I don't think I'm going to like this," I mumble.

"You don't like anything," Louis' snorts.

"True," Ben helps. And okay. They like to team up now. Cute.

"Be nice to her." Harry (always trying to be like the movies, without realizing it) utters. "God help you if you upset her."

"See, he's a good boy," my mom points out. Harry blushes pink, and Louis' coos.

"Okay, I really need to finish kids," my dad rubs his forehead like he's frustrated. I just don't know what the reason is. Once we're all silent, he clears his throat again and reaches for my free hand. "Like a bandaid," he whispers encouragingly. my head tilts as I wait for the elephant in the room to be acknowledged. He takes a deep breath in, my heart ready to explode. "I have leukemia." I drop his hand. What? No. No. This isn't happening. This doesn't happen. It wouldn't happen to my dad. He's MY dad.

"You're not serious," he can't be.

"I wouldn't joke about this," he says. "I know this is-- sweetheart I know this is hard--"

"It's not because it isn't happening." Harry's hand tightens around mine but it does nothing as my blood runs cold, and my stomach begins to twist. "Dad you're fine. You eat like a fucking rabbit, and you're only forty-nine. You don't have cancer."

"Presley--"

"Mom, no. He doesn't have cancer! What kind of joke is this?"

"Baby, stop, it's going to be alright, but you need to listen right now." Harry isn't having his usual effect on me and it only worries me slightly.

"My white blood cell count is low," dad sputters almost embarrassed. Oh God no. "I start treatment the day after tomorrow, baby. Mom and I are heading home after this."

"What?" I unintentionally snap.

"I just got the call this morning, or else I would've waited to tell you. I didn't want to ruin your birthday."

"Forget my fucking birthday!" There I go again. Snapping without any real reason too. "I have too-- yeah okay. I have to get my shit together--" I stand abruptly, my head spinning a mile a minute. "What time do we--"

"You're not coming," it's the way I know there is no room for argument, that stops me from running into my room, and packing everything like I'm bat shit crazy. I gape at my dad. He can't be serious. "I'm sorry, Presley. You're staying here."

"No--"

"Yes," by now I've forgotten everyone else in the room. Right now all I remember is every bad thing I've ever said and done towards my dad. I'm a shit. He moves until he is standing in front of me and holds my hands tight, and reassuring. I'm still afraid and I don't know how to tell him. "I love you. You're my child, and I love you so much. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you."

"You're not--"

"You were miserable before, Presley. You were literally a human shadow, and I was afraid that one morning mom and I would get a call saying you ended it all." From the corner of my eye I see Harry's head bow, and Louis' comforting hand on his shoulder. I'm the selfish one. "You've come so far, and you're finally doing okay, and it's not fair that, that's going to change because my body couldn't do what it's supposed to." He cups my cheek in his hand and smiles his best smile. But I can still see the fear within him. I can feel it around him. Or maybe it's around me. "I'm going to be okay, bear. Daddy's still got fight in him."

"I have to go with you," my voice is weak, and it matches my insides. "Dad, please don't make me stay."

"You have too, bear. You'll come visit me, okay? When things have settled a bit. You'll come with me to my treatment, and we'll watch movies, and you'll see that it's all okay. But for now I need you to stay here, and be my happy, twenty year old. I need you to be okay so I can be okay."

"I won't be okay because you're not okay," I think this is a nightmare. "Mom, please tell dad he's being ridiculous and that I'm going with you." But I know she's not on my side as she shakes her head, and my heart cracks further. "Mom," I mumble betrayed.

"I'm going to be fine," dad promises, voice thick.

"And if you're not?"

He doesn't say anything. Instead he brings me into a hug, arms wrapping around me unsure and tight. But it still makes me sad. Incredibly and undoubtedly sad. He kisses my head, hand rubbing at my back.
Dad doesn't know what the future holds, and it's the first time I realize my dad doesn't have supper powers.

****
My parents left an hour ago. I didn't want to let my dad go, and my mom cried the whole way home. I know because I called my dad. Louis left with Ben hand in hand. They're worried about me. About my dad, and it's okay because I'm also worried, and afraid, and angry.

Harry said he'd clean up while I went upstairs to rest.

I'm not tired. I feel wrecked, and stupid.

So instead I'm taking a shower, wasting water. The hot steam isn't soothing, and I feel no better.

My dad has cancer.

He wasn't joking about that... I can't believe he wasn't joking.

The shower curtain opens silently, and Harry steps in wordlessly. He remains that way as he traps us in, and moves the wet hair from my face.

"Oh baby, won't you tell me you're okay," he sings. He wraps his arms around me, and we sway under the steam. It's not romantic. It's not so it'll lead into something deeper. It's simply comfort, and I'm trying to let myself feel it. "Oh baby, won't you let me keep you safe."

How do I tell my dad that I finally realized he doesn't have supper powers?

Notes

I think I'm almost finished. Xx