The devil is real, and he's not some little man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful because he's a fallen angel. And he used to be God's favorite.

There are moments in life where you know you're doomed. Where you've fallen so deep there's no way up.

Right now I feel as though I'm buried six feet deep, shriveled and gasping for my last breath. The dinning room went the from calm and quiet chatter, to awkward stares and forced pleasantries.

You'd think it'd get better in their living room. Ben and I on one recliner, well, more like I'm perched on the recliners' arm and Ben is actually in the chair. Louis and Eleanor are cuddled on the love seat. Harry and Jasmine on the other. Both couples starring at Ben and I like we've got different faces or three heads.

"So," when I used to (or still do) picture seeing Harry for the first time it was never like this. Never pictured it being tense and forced. "S'been a while, yeah?" I also never pictured I'd have to ignore eyeliner glares, and red lipped frowns. "How's your mum?"

This is comical. Almost ridiculous how movie like it's all unraveling. "She's good." Ben's hand must be purple and numb by now. Jasmine's (Harry's new finance who is definitely a descendant of some goddess with a face even angles envy) face must be permanently conformed into a scowl.

The only thing that gives me hope for my dignity, because right now the front door looks like a gateway to heaven, is my phone ringing. "Excuse me." I'm out of my chair so fast you'd think it was on fire, and even though I'm certain it's just a company call from a local service about saving money, It would be equivalent to bells ringing on Christmas.

I've scrambled outside and onto their balcony. It's cold and gloomy, and somehow it feels so much better than it does inside.

I don't recognize the number, don't even remember who has my number besides Ben. "Hello?"

"Presley Jude Summers, you were supposed to call a month ago. Here I am thinking you have been kidnapped."

Jesse Mathews. Better known as Ben's older brother. Aka a rebound-- who was undeniably sweet and nicer than most. The first man since Harry who had made me think it'd be okay. Also a photographer who takes pretty pictures of people, places, and sometimes animals.

"Jesse I can barely remember to feed my fish-- poor Tophat, only made it three days."

"God I miss you," I don't know if he's gushing. Jesse's a lot harder to read. A lot harder to understand what his mind is thinking. "How's my little brother?" And I think Ben might be dying from the awkward tension.

"He's great. Bossy and annoying but good all around. Are you still coming down?"

"I am. I bit sooner I think. My shoot finished sooner than expected." And maybe Jesse will help my survive this travesty. "I'll let you go. My breaks over. I'll be in touch later tonight? Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Have a good shoot Jess." I didn't want the conversation to end so soon. Didn't want to have to go back inside. It was all going wrong again. It was all becoming a cruel joke and I was the punch line.

"Guess I'm not the only one who moved on," Harry snickered behind me. Harry's voice never sounded like that before. Was never on the verge of mean, but somehow I think I'm going to have to get used to it. "Lou asked me to make sure you're coming back inside." I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could fly or at least have the guts to jump. "But we'll let you finish your call."

"It's fine. I'm coming," I want to cry at Harry's scowl. I want to grip his arms and shake him until he tells me why he's looking at me like that. Like I'm the one who wronged him.

"You're a grown women, Presley. Act like it," Harry turns on his heel and walks back in, as I'm left breathless and choked. I don't know what happened or what's happening now. I just...I don't know. Not anymore.

"Who was it?" Ben questioned as he held his hand out. I grabbed it, gratefully allowing him to sit me next to him once more.

"Jesse," I mumbled trying to avoid the obvious and constant stares of our company. "Says he misses us and he'll ring later."

"Jesse? As in your brother Jesse?" Eleanor asks, her fingers playing with Louis.

"The one and only," Ben states wagging his eyebrows in my direction, and I really hope they stop asking questions.

"What? What does that mean?" Eleanor laughs. She gasps and claps, "oh, you and Jesse? No way!"

"I thought you said you weren't seeing anyone?" Louis asks confused siting up as Harry rolls his eyes, kissing Jasmine's raven hair.

"I'm not," I squeak. This is why Ben should let me leave. This is why Eleanor should stop asking questions. "Not anymore. We're just friends. He stays with us when he comes to town."

"So you're not together anymore?" Louis says, head titled, eyes curious. "Not even hooking up with the lad?" My mouth almost falls open and I think my eyes blacked out. Hooking up? With Jesse? Okay.

Okay.

"I, um. Okay, well I have to go. I open the café tomorrow," It would be best if I didn't answer that. It'd be best if they just stopped asking questions about my life. They gave that right up when they left. I mean I don't think you can leave for a year and then come back and expect open arms. "I'll see you at home Ben. You know where the key is, and if Jesse calls I'll tell him you'll ring when you wake up tomorrow." I lean down and kiss Ben's cheek.

"Let me walk you," Ben says, beginning to straighten.

"No, stay. S'not far," I lean towards his ear, my lips grazing his lobe, "I need air." I whisper pulling back. Ben's eyes take an understanding tone as he nods and sighs.

"I'll walk her," Louis announces, shoes already on. And I wonder if it's too late to run. "Come on Presley." Sometimes life is unfair and God likes to play jokes on me. Other times I feel he likes to laugh at my sorrow. I really do think he does.

"No, it's your dinner party," I want to slap myself because that's the best I could come up with? That's the best I could do in life? Yup. "Please let me go alone." Louis used to understand when I meant what I said. Used to know without me having to say anything. Now-- now it seems like he forgot. Or maybe he doesn't care.

"Not a chance," he grins and throws his jacket on, handing over my coat. "Times a wasting."

"Thank you for dinner. You made bacon and Brie my favorite again." I reached down and enveloped Eleanor in a hug, hoping she could read my mind, and she'd know to be gentle with Ben. "I'll see you around, okay?"

Eleanor smiled happily and squeezed me before letting go, as I turn to face the newly engaged couple. And it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel how it should. But maybe that's just me, because Harry's propsed. He's obviously moved on, while I'm stuck in the past, hitting replay, over and over again.

"Congrats on the engagement, um, yeah, okay bye." I waved and turned. I don't know if they said thank you, don't know if I care or not.

Ben stood up and walked me over to Louis. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close to his chest. "Presley Jude, you are no weakling. Remember that." He whispered. And at that moment I wanted to cry. Just wanted to let Ben hold me in his warmth and let me sob like a newborn.

"Ben Mathews, fix whatever needs fixing." With one last kiss to his cheek I walked over to Louis and stepped out.

The night is cold, bitter and unforgiving.

"So, where to?" Louis asked, matching his pace with mine. I wasn't joking when I said it wasn't far. It really wasn't. A ten minute walk maybe.

"Just straight and then left," I mumbled. "You really don't have to do this. Don't feel bad if you want to turn back and go inside." I really want him to go back inside. I really do.

"Nonsense," Louis shrugs, lips curling in a smile. "M'a gentleman." I don't say anything. I don't think I have anything to say. The silence isn't loud. It's not over powering either. It's just there, enveloping us. Keeping us close as we walk. "I'm sorry about Caleb-"

"It's fine Louis. Life sucks sometimes." I wish people understood that a sorry does nothing. It won't bring back my brother. Won't give me more time with him. I wish Louis and everyone else would get that.

"I just-- I know you two were close and he-"

"Stop," I don't know if I meant it literally but I'm glad we've stopped moving. "Don't do this Louis. Don't say you're sorry when you know it won't fix anything. Don't say you know we were close. You have no idea. Please, Louis. Don't." It'd be so much easier if we just stopped this all together. If we went back to how it used to be.

"I'm-- okay," Louis stutters and continues walking, our shoulders lined up. "I know it won't fix anything Presley. I just wanted you to know that I know." What was that going to do? How was that supposed to help?

"Okay," I say. I'm confused, and I'm tired. I don't have the brain capacity to fit Louis' double meanings.

"Thanks for walking me. You'll be alright to walk back?" I know it's late. I also know that's never stopped his fans before either.

"Yeah, I'll be good," Louis extends his arms and grins, "come on, you owe me from dinner. And I did just walk you all the way home."

"Cause it's so far," I muse. Louis shrugs.

If this is going to end things now, then it'd be worth it. It's just a hug. Just a hug I remind myself.
I step in his arms and laugh at the way Louis' have picked me up, my feet swinging in the air. "My hugs are magic." Louis cheers. He sets me back down and smiles. "I'll see you around?" He asks hesitant.

I don't have the heart to deny him. Can't say no. "Sure." I say instead, chuckling at his expression. He waves and walks down the street before making a left and heading back to his house.

In my eyes there are two kinds of people:

The ones who only ever have to deal with one demon. One devil who used to be your favorite angel.

And then there are the unfortunate souls (me) who have multiples. So many Devils that life itself has formed into a lonely hell.

****

My eyes are heavy and the bruised bags feel like they're weighing down my eyelids.

I couldn't sleep last night. I tried, I tossed around and I drank tea. I watched an entire season of True Life, I even watched the commercials. I walked down the hall and back, I even went as far as going for a walk.

Which was completely idiotic since I forgot my jacket.

I couldn't sleep last night and now I'm paying for it.

I've been yelled at twice, once for burning a bagel and the second time for using salt instead of sugar. The only good thing about today is the slow morning, and I don't expect any different.

It's eight am and it's Saturday. Normal people sleep in on Saturdays.

I'm not so fortunate.

The bell attached to the door dings as I'm wiping down the counter in the back. "Good morning," I call over my shoulder. And while I normally wouldn't do this, Ben insists we do because 'Presley our customers need to feel welcomed and wanted! We can't scare them off because you have no people skills!' and well, I think that's true.

I'm not a people person. People don't gravitate towards me. I'm the awkward loner and Ben's the fucking quarterback.

"What can I-- Harry," I may shoot whoever is responsible for telling Harry where the café is. I may just quit, so I don't have to speak to him. "What are you doing here?"

"Aren't you supposed to be jolly and super cheerful as you make my coffee?"

"It's eight am, if you want jolly and cheerful come back at three when Ben's shift starts." Or maybe Harry shouldn't come back at all. Maybe Harry should stay with Jasmine in there celebrity world.

"Well someone doesn't like their job," Harry frowns, lips pouted and eyes shining amused.

"Okay," I sigh. Harry's giving me whiplash. Yesterday he was mad, and today-- today's he's Harry. The old Harry. "What would you like?"

"Tea and a few minuets?"

Tea I can do. It's just boiling water and a tea bag.

A few minuets is a lot harder. It's like asking me to explain why rain is wet.

"What kind of tea?"

"Peppermint," he mumbles. "And a few minuets."

"That's not on our menu, but I'll be happy to add it to our suggestion box, after I get a suggestion box."

"Always were a smart mouth," Harry chuckles. Harry shouldn't be doing this. Fuck, Harry shouldn't even be here. Not when I'm unstable and he's engaged. "Just five minuets. Louis said I need to act nice and that I was less than welcoming yesterday. So I'm here to welcome you."

"Here's your tea. I feel welcomed. Now, have a super awesome day." I grin and walk to our storage room hoping Harry got the message. I'm hoping he's left, and he's forgotten whatever Louis said. I don't need to feel welcomed in their circle. I don't plan on being a part of it again. I don't want to be.

"I got my tea, but you seem to have forgotten about my five minuets," Harry tuts making me jump and clutch my heart as I turn around. "What's the matter? To many customers?"

"There's no problem. I'm at work, you can't be back here and I have a shit ton to do before Ben takes over," I don't know what Harry's trying to do. Why he's trying push me, or why he wants me to interact with him. I just want him to leave me alone. He was good at that for a year.

"You really hate me don't you?" Harry says with a twisted smile.

"You're a pain but I don't hate you, Harry. Don't think I can," I've never lied to Harry before. I'm not going to start now. Even if I look pathetic.

Harry's smile fades away and he's left silent and pillant. I'm a bit worried I've said something wrong.

Harry's not responding, he looks torn and his mouth opens and closes as if he wants to say something and then decides not to.

It becomes a nightmare when Harry shakes his head and walks away, without word. I don't know what I did. Don't know if I've upset him again, but this doesn't make sense. Harry's not making sense anymore and it's Hell.

I'm in hell with my Devils haunting me everywhere I go.

Notes

I got muffins for Christmas.