Good Intentions ⇼ Luke Hemmings

Luke and I eagerly sat in the doctor’s office, my body covered in a paper gown, lying back on the chair next to the sonogram machine. Luke’s hand gently touched my stomach.
“I love you so much.” He whispered, smiling at me. Today was the day we were finding out the sex of the baby and we couldn’t be more excited. As Dr. Alver walked in, he closed the door behind him, smiling at us before he began to wash his hands. Luke stood on the other side of me giving the doctor access to the machine.
“Hello.” He smiled, sitting in his chair and wheeling over with his clipboard.

“Let’s start with a few questions. You are 20 weeks and three days, is that right?”
“Yeah.” My voice hardly came out from my nervousness.
“And are we wanting to find out the sex? Pictures?” Luke and I glanced at each other, grinning.
“Yes.” We spoke simultaneously.
“Okay, any nausea?”
“No.”
“Has the baby been moving as often?”
“Um… No, not really, but I haven’t been walking and moving around as much as before but every now and then I feel it.” He nodded, writing in his clipboard.

“That’s perfectly normal. Have you had abnormal discharge, fluids, spotting, or bleeding?”
“No, none.” He nodded.
“Good. And finally, have you felt any contractions?” I thought for a short while.
“I’ve had like this tightness I’m not sure what it is.”
“Is it around here?” He drew a line on my stomach with his finger.
“Yeah, sorta.”
“Well, that could be for a number of reasons. The baby moving, your stomach growing, gas. Or they could be Braxton Hicks contractions. Basically, the way to tell is that if you put your feet up and drink some water, they’ll go away. If you’re really concerned, take note of when the tightening occurs and if it occurs more than four or five times in an hour, call me. Other than that, how are you feeling?”
“Good. Tired.” I laughed. “But good.”
“That’s great. Now, let’s get you on the scale.” He helped me stand and noted the number. “Perfect weight, now blood pressure and then we can check out the baby.” He led me back to the chair and helped me sit, wrapping my arm and taking my blood pressure. He began to feel around my stomach and measuring before squirting the gel on my stomach.

He moved the transducer around my stomach frequently before finally stopping.
“Where’s the heartbeat?” I asked, afraid of the answer as I stared at the screen. He took the transducer off and handed me some napkins.
“I did hear the heartbeat a little. It’s sort or slow right now, very quiet because of how the baby is positioned. But I can see clear movements, so I can see that the baby is well. Unfortunately, for right now, it’s legs are crossed so I can’t tell for certainty whether that’s it’s umbilical cord or if it’s a boy. I’m going to have the nurse up front set you up for an appointment next week so we can tell the gender for certain. As for right now, keep taking your vitamins and call me if anything concerns you.” With a warm smile, we thanked him and watched him walk away.

***

It was hard to sleep. Not because tomorrow was the day we’d actually find out the sex, but because the tightening seemed unbearable, now. It began feeling more like cramps and pain. With a groan, I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. But after wiping, I couldn’t stand. The pain was so intense that I called out for Luke. He rushed in immediately, running over to me.
“Luke, it hurts so bad. You have to call Dr. Alver, there’s something wrong with the baby.” I cried. “I can feel it, it hurts so bad.” He cooed, helping me up from the toilet and assisting me in pulling my pants up before ushering me to the bedroom. “Luke you’ve got to call him now!” I screamed, clenching onto the sheets. He scrambled to grab his cellphone and dialed quickly.

“Dr. Alver?... Yes, hi, it’s Luke Hemmings with Romina Baker… She thinks there’s something wrong with the baby… It’s the tightening, it’s hurting her really bad…” Luke walked into the bathroom in a hurry and I heard his muffled voice. “Yeah, there’s a lot of blood… Okay we’re going.” He ran back to me, grabbing my phone and shoes and a sweater for me. “We’ve got to go. Dr. Alver is prepping a room.” I stood with the help of Luke and we walked as fast as I could muster, wobbling out to the car. It was the first time Luke drove since the accident, speeding down the roads. It was nearly 3a.m. when we reached the hospital. I was hoisted into a wheelchair, panting in pain, grabbing onto Luke’s hand as he walked beside me to the room they were bringing us to.
“It hurts!” I cried, “It hurts so bad!” We finally arrived to Dr. Alver’s comfort and he immediately began a sonogram as the nurses hooked me up to an IV, he pushed the machine aside quickly and began a pelvic exam as I cried. Luke held my hand, white as a ghost.

“This baby is coming now!!” Dr. Alver announced. I sobbed loudly.
“No, it’s not ready!” I cried, only to be poked with the needle anyways.
“Romina, we’re losing him! If we don’t do this now, he’s certainly going to die.”
“We’re not ready! It won’t live!” I cried. Dr. Alver looked at Luke with a grim expression.
“We need to do this now.” He spoke calmly. “She has to push. We have to do this now. Push Romina!”
“Romy, you have to do this. It’s not going back in, you’ve got to get it out.” I sobbed, grasping onto Luke’s hand as the pain continued to get worse.
“I can’t do it. I’m so tired.” I sobbed.
“We’re practicing Romy. It’s our baby’s only chance if you push it out now. We’re practicing to be real parents, we’re making our first sacrifice. Our first decision.” He held my hand tight as the nurses forced my feet on the stirrups.
“Okay.” I cried. “Okay.”
“3...2...1… Push, Romina!” I pushed for as long as I could, screaming along with it. It felt as if nothing came out despite all the pressure I’d used. “3...2...1… Push!” I pushed again, holding my breath and panting once I stopped. “Two more, Romina. 3...2...1...Push.” Dr. Alver’s voice was soft. The nurses began to exit the room as if a non-verbal signal was given. “One more time. Push just one more time.” With all I had in me, I pushed, allowing all my energy to exit my body. Dr. Alver wrapped a small body in a white blanket before bringing it to me. “I’m sorry, Romina. We did all we could to save him.”

“No…” I whispered. “No! You’re lying! No!” I started to sob as Dr. Alver handed me the tiny wrapped baby. I clutched it to my body, sobbing. Luke pulled out his phone and took a picture of me, then a picture of the baby, and I hated him so much for it. I continued to cry as I held my lifeless baby, ignoring the presence of Dr. Alver. “No.” I whispered, kissing and hugging it over and over. “No.” I looked up at Luke and saw the tears on his cheeks. He looked at our son then turned around, staring out the window. All I could see was his reflection as he started to sob. I clutched tighter onto the body, watching as Dr. Alver excuse himself as he’d begun to cry.

“He’s so tiny.” I sobbed. “Luke he wasn’t ready.” Luke sniffled, walking over to me and pulling a chair next to the bed. He touched the blanket for a second before pulling away and grabbing his phone. He held it out to Dr. Alver and he took it, taking a photo of the three of us. The two of us. As we held our dead son. “I don’t want to say goodbye.” I whispered, holding him close. Luke reached over and held his small hand with his pointer finger as Dr. Alver took another picture before handing the phone back to Luke.
“You don’t have to.” The doctor whispered. “You have all the time you need. I can make some phone calls if you want.” Luke nodded and walked away with the doctor, giving him the numbers of our friends and family before rejoining me, crawling into the small bed with me and lying with me, our baby held in our arms as we cried together.

Notes

I'm sorry