Good Intentions ⇼ Luke Hemmings

Dr. Alver quietly walked into the room as Luke held our son, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed.
“Hello.” His voice was quiet. “I’m back to answer any questions you might have.” We’d been here for over 48 hours, refusing to see our friends and family members for longer than five minutes. We decided it was best to spend more time with our passed son than friends.
“Why did this happen? Was it my fault?” I immediately blurted out, feeling insecure.
“No, Romina. This certainly was not your fault at all. Things like this happen sometimes. It’s rare, yes, but it happens. And when it does, it’s no one’s fault. You can’t blame yourself.” He offered advice, but I just couldn’t sit and listen to it
“But why?” I demanded.
“It could be a number of reasons. We won’t know until we do some more testing. Some common causes are infection, umbilical cord problems, or genetic disorders. All I can guarantee is that once we finish the testing, we will have a definite answer for you.” Something about his word choice made him seem like he actually cared.

“How long?” I squeaked, “How long has he been-” Suddenly, I stopped, not being able to speak.
“Usually, women go into labor within two weeks after the fetus passes. My guess is that it happened right after our appointment. But, again, we won’t know until we do some more testing.”
“Can she have kids at all?” Luke finally spoke, asking the question I was terrified to ask.
“Most women who have stillbirths have a perfectly healthy baby afterwards. It’s important to take time to understand what happened. You need time to heal. Physically and emotionally. If you do decide to have another baby, I want you to give me a call so we can do a preconception checkup to make sure you’re healthy. I would say wait three months at least. And we would keep a log of movements. If you decide to have another child, we would take extra precautions.” I stayed silent for a long while before finally looking up at Dr. Alver.
“What do we do now?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“When you’re ready, we will turn him over to a coroner to do an autopsy. They’ll examine your placenta and an amniocentesis. Then we’ll do some genetic tests. After that, you can see him one more time for as long as you need before we do a funeral. You can cremate him or bury him. Romina, I am so sorry this happened. If you need anything just let me know.

***

The days seemed to drag on forever until we could see him again. Luke and I sat alone in our flat, hardly speaking to each other and sending away our friends whenever they sought us out. Our family; however, seemed to understand that we needed space for ourselves. Every second of everyday was so hard to power through. I hardly slept, ate, spoke. Luke, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. He slept all day, ate anything he could find, swore to the air, and buried himself in liquor. The only thing we seemed to agree on was sitting in the dark without holding each other. All I wanted was to hold him, but I was too scared to face possible rejection. I was in too much pain to get out of bed and do it.

So, here we were. Sitting on opposite sides of the bed with the curtains pulled closed. It’s been a week since they took him to do an autopsy and today we were supposed to hear back from the hospital and we could come back to say goodbye. After that, we decided to have him cremated and to pour the ashes in Lake Macquarie. After a long fight, Luke and I agreed on inviting friends and family to say goodbye to him but not to our funeral. Neither of us wanted them at either occasions, but Luke had brought up the grudge they’d carry and the regret we could. So, despite how much we wanted to be alone, we reserved an hour for friends and an hour for family. The hospital was more than generous to allot a time slot for as long as we needed. It was costly, but we thought it was worth it.

***

My breath was shaky as a nurse and a man in a suit came into the room, shutting the door behind them. The nurse was holding a small bundle that I knew my son was in. With a small smile, she put him in my outstretched arms. I uncovered his face, staring at the small, undeveloped face. By looking at him, it was so obvious how much more time he needed. He was so small, hardly the length of my arm. His eyes were shut and his mouth open. His hands were a little bit bigger than the tip of my finger and his feet were about half the size of my pointer finger.
“He looks a lot better.” I rasped, staring at his pale face.
“Yeah.” I hadn’t realized Luke’s hand was on his stomach until he spoke. “He’s so tiny. I didn’t realize how tiny he was.” Luke was holding back tears as mine poured down the side of my face.
“I wish we bought something for him besides this stupid blanket.” I sniffled, pulling the blanket out and setting it over the other one.

“The results from the autopsy were pretty cut and dry. There was a blood clot in the placenta. It had been there for weeks and eventually, the blood flow to the placenta stopped entirely. The baby wasn’t able to get blood anymore and he passed. It was painless for him, he couldn’t feel anything,” I remained silent as the coroner folded his hands. “Now, it’s under my impression that we are doing a cremation?” We both nodded. “Okay. Is there a name we can engrave into the urn? And if there is, anything else you’d like us to put down on it?” He grabbed out a notepad and pen.
“It’s-uh-Brody Patrick.” Luke spoke. “B-R-O-D-Y P-A-T-R-I-C-K H-E-M-M-I-N-G-S.” He spoke for me, seeing as we had a brief conversation about this. “We want it to say ‘Brody Patrick Hemmings. Loved deeply by all, especially his mommy and daddy’. That’s-uh-that’s all.” He fiddled with the blanket.
“Okay.” The coroner’s voice was soft. “Now, for sealing purposes, are you going to spread the ashes anywhere?”
“We were planning on spreading them, yeah. And then we wanted to put his blanket and hospital tags in the urn because that’s all we have for him.” The topic of conversation killed me and I was so thankful that Luke was there to speak for me.

“Okay. So we are not going to seal it after we put the ashes in. We will give you some sealing glue and you can seal it after you put everything in. When you’re ready, they will direct you to my office where we will pick out an urn.” He nodded to the nurse as she quietly exited the room. “You have as much time as you need and you can just find any nurse or doctor in the hall and let them know you’re finished. You may leave him in the bassinet over here and take anything you want for him. I’m so sorry about your loss.” WIth a polite smile, he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him. Luke and I marvelled at Brody.
“I just wish I could see his eyes.” I whispered, my voice cracking.
“Yeah me too.” Luke rasped, tears falling from his eyes.

***

Our parents walked in with tired, red eyes. Immediately, they collapsed us in hugs. There wasn’t much conversation as they took turns holding him and holding us. It was so surreal, Luke’s mum and dad were crying as much as us. My mum and Owen tried to hold it together but ended up crying silently. It was all around a warming situation, but it felt so grief-oriented and no one said much in fear that it would be the wrong thing to say. It brought us pain to say goodbye to them, but it brought us great relief to be alone for a few minutes before seeing our friends.

***

“Hey.” Kaylee cooed as the group walked in. “We are so sorry-” I cut her off.
“Please stop.” I begged, crying. “I know you’re sorry. Everyone is sorry… We’re sorry too.” She nodded, uncomfortable as they all stood off to the side.
“This is Brody Patrick.” Luke spoke, taking him from my arms. I allowed him to do this as I moved the blankets so it would be easier for them to see him. “He had a blood clot in the placenta. There was nothing we could have done.” I noticed Steph’s hand placed over her large stomach as her face fell. I envied her. I envied Kaylee, too. And I hated them in this moment. They’ll never know how it feels. They’ll never know the pain of losing a child. And I hope they never know, either. My mum was right about all of this. The pain was much too great for us to handle. After 45 minutes of near silence and Luke giving him back to me, Steph spoke up for the group.
“Maybe it’s time we give you two time alone with him.” Steph finally said the right thing for once in her life. The others nodded, hugging us as they left. Ella and Mikey were the last in line as everyone exited.

“Hey.” Ella whispered, hugging me as Mikey hugged Luke. “I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. Obviously, Mikey and I have no idea what you’re going through. But we have an idea. We can’t have babies. Everytime we try, it results in a miscarriage. We’re here, okay? If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Nodding, I hugged Mikey and said goodbye to them.

***

Luke and I stood knee deep in Lake Macquarie. He was holding the urn as I held the lid.
“Are you ready?” His voice as low.
“As ready as I can be.” I sniffled, watching the water.
“Okay.” He whispered, holding the urn out for me to grab as well. Together, we dumped the ashes in the water and slowly walked back to the car. As soon as we got in, we placed the hospital blanket, the blanket we bought, his hospital tag, birth certificate, and death certificate in the urn. Luke glued along the edge and pressed the lid on tightly before grabbing my hand. “It’s going to be okay.” He whispered, kissing the back of my hand. “Let’s go home.” With that, he peeled away from the beach and drove us to our flat. As soon as we got there, Luke led me to bed and without realizing it, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Notes

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