The Test Subject
Ten
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=147184135
Trigger warning!
It was late and the only thing you could hear was the name piercing screams. I occasionally rolled my eyes. I felt numb. I felt cold to the person getting tortured.
It never occurred to me just how distant I had become. This past week, i hadn't talked to Ashton, I had barely eaten and I have barely made any type of conversation.
I think my light was officially dimming. Miss Butts has finally won. Shes destroyed me. I am now nothing more than a weak test subject. I want my life to end. I've
realized that after 17 years of getting cut opened, kicked, pushed and even insulted. The thing is with cuts, you scar. Not me though. I heal and there's nothing i can do about it
I'm trapped on this earth and the worst thing is, there isn't no walls, cells or guards keeping me on this earth... Its myself. I glanced over at Ashton and he was sleeping as usual. His body was stiff, there was sweat forming on his forehead. I could tell he was having yet another bad dream. The covers was hanging off the bed, the sheet was stuck to his shirtless body and his bottoms hanged low on his hips. Despite the fact he clearly was in much pain, he's never looked more attractive. His messy hair as more messy than normal. His lip was caught between his straight white teeth. I had to face the wall because i hated myself for having these thoughts. These thoughts could get you killed, literally.
My stomach clenched at the thought of my mum and father. I figured that they were desperately in love, they would of died for each other. The image of two people holding hands for dear life came to mind. A smile played on my lips. I'd like to think, they died painlessly, they died loved. The screams in the background ripped me out of my thoughts. And just like that the smile faded from my face, my stomach locked together tight and the urge to end it all was stronger than ever. I felt under my pillow for the thing that saves me yet destroys everything at the same time. I gasped loudly as i pricked my finger on the edge of the shiny metallic blade. I looked away from the dry red blood staining the blade. I started doing this a week ago. It was nothing at first, nothing but a little experiment. Something to cut my skin, make me feel like I have a purpose. The moment the cut goes I do it again and again till im tired. Now I find myself doing it whenever im sad, i depend on the release more than ever. I quickly removed my jumper, throwing it on the floor as soon as possible. I raised my sleeves up and sighed. Would this become another endless cycle? I hovered the hard blade over my skin. I feel pain but i feel no emotion. I feel trapped but im as free as i could ever be. Slowly i gazed it over my skin. I watched hesitantly as blood started to pour out. I was angrily and the skin grew back. Not even a scar remained.
The tears came and more cuts didn't stay. I tried as hard as possible to contain the tears, the sobs but they kept flowing like a river. One cut , two cut, three cut four cut. I wanted to throw it against the wall, i wanted to scream for help but I couldn't find the will. This is all i am now. I continued to it for few more minuets. "you're doing it wrong" a raspy voice said from behind me. I snapped my head to the voice which temporary distracted me. "what?" i said through tears. My voice was croaky and hoarse. "If you're trying to kill yourself, cut vertically. They cant stitch that up" he wore attire like a cleaner would wear but the strange thing is that he had a number on his jacket like us. "how are you walking about?"
"if you're trying to kill yourself, you might also try checking whose watching" his eyes were a light brown, he was extremely pale. I raised my eyebrow at him as he smiled. There was blood leaking onto my mattress but i didn't care. He continued to smile as he walked away. I looked to Ashton for guidance or even answers but he was still sleeping. How could a test subject be allowed out of his cell after hours and no guards following him? was I imagining things? was the blood loss effecting my brain? The boy was out of eyesight now. He was no here to be found. I put the blade behind my pillow. I gently laid my head against it and allowed myself to sleep. It had been a long week and i was eager for it to end. I sighed deeply as i covered my body with the white covers. I feel asleep to the boy who distracted me long enough to convince myself today isn't the day i was going to die.
"wake up, dogs" a strange voice said, followed by a harsh tapping sound on the gates. I groaned as my eyes got used to the light. I glared at a scared Harry who was waiting my my cage door. Didn't he catch the hint? I neither wanted to see him again or even talk to him. We're no longer friends. "Can we talk?" he said as he shifted on his feet. Another nervous habit i guess. "no" I said slowly, hoping he will catch the picture. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to let me out. "please Lily, Its important" he begged. His eyes were pleading with me, trying to break the wall i built around myself. "Let me out. Now Harry"
"I cant do that until you hear me out" i rubbed my temples. I was running gout of patience and i as getting hungry. Never a good combination. I sat on my bed. "fine" i shrugged. "I've been promoted. She said i did the right thing when i-- you know. Apparently i showed courage and i done the right thing putting Miss Butts first" he rushed his words. I sat there silently shocked. "im no surprised, almost killing your friend does show loyalty" i rolled my eyes. My voice held sarcasm. "Lily, I'm sorry" Harry sighed. His hands wrapped around the metal bars."tell me Harry, was you ever my friend?"
"you know i was. I was prepared to break you out of here. I love you Lily. And its because i love you.. i stabbed you" he whispered. He looked either side of him and no one was there. "love? you said love was evil. You said that Harry" he looked dead in my eye and said. "you were the exception. Lily, you were the only exception." i shook my head. "lies" his expression was like i had punched him in his stomach. Harry was hurt. I had destroyed him. "what are you now"
"what?"
"what have you been promoted to" i rolled my eyes obviously. "The Picker" his green eyes locked onto a certain spot on the floor. The picker is someone that picks who gets tortured, someone who decides whether we live or die. "oh" .
"are you serious? You know what Lily, i thought you cared. I thought even though you said you hated me, i thought some part of you stilled cared but i was wrong." he put the keys into my cell door."your cold. You've changed. You're nothing but a shell of who you used to be"
"so have you" i called back to him. He didn't bother turning around. I wanted to cry.
I walked into the lunch hall and Miss Butts was at her usual seat at the front watching us all like hawks. Harry wasn't beside her like he normally was. Perhaps he wasn't her little servant anymore. Maybe he has his own office, his own office where he could make tea for himself, maybe he would no longer fear doing something wrong. Maybe this was better for him. Obviously killing someone Isn't that hard for him to do. I took my seat at the back, opposite Ashton. I smiled weakly at him, he replied by doing the same. "nice sleep" i asked knowing the answer. "no" it will always be a no. "sorry about that". The silence was intense. It was extremely crippling. I looked down at my food and scrunched up my nose. "I want to leave this place" Ashton said breaking the silence. "wouldn't we all?" i smirked. He suddenly looked worried. "whens the last time you ate, Lil?" i raised my eyebrow at the use of my rubbish nickname. "Lil?" i laughed
"yes Lil. Only im allowed to call you that yeah" Ashton said waving his plastic fork at me. "oh i see what you're doing. Changing the subject, very funny" he said sarcastically. "i haven't eaten in a week" i looked down at the goo in front of me. Another try at suicide was the reason i didn't eat. I figured how could i heal if im staved to death. "are you serious?"
I nodded. "what the actual fuck Lily" he picked up his knife and fork and placed the goo onto the fork. "eat" i shook my head and smiled. "When i said i was glad you're alive, i didn't mean die in a few weeks time" He waved the awful smelling fork about. I wrapped my mouth around it and swallowed. It was extremely chewy and vile. I burped and then laughed. "happy now"
"very"
I felt a pair of eyes burning into me. I gasped when i saw it was the boy from last night. All he was doing was staring. I was staring back because i never buckle under anyone's gaze. He slightly smiled at me before lifting up his plastic knife. I raised my eyebrow at him. I thought please stop in my head but it was like Ashton could no longer read my mind. The boy lifted his wrist up and imitated cutting himself. Was this some kind of sick joke to him? he stopped as Ashton turned around to investigate who i was looking at. "whats up?" i snapped my gaze to Ashton. I placed my hand over his. "nothing" holding hands was something we always do now. Every time we do i still get these butterflies that wont leave me alone. "Miss Butts is apparently doing some kind of speech today" he scoffed "you'd think she was running for parliament" he laughed loudly causing a few heads to turn our way. I didn't get the joke. Ashton stopped laughing when he realized i wasn't finding him amusing. "lets go." he said standing up. My heart started thumping. "go where?" i quickly said. "meet me at the boys toilet in two minuets"
"what? no Ashton" i grabbed his wrist. "trust me, Lil" he bit his lip and i just couldn't resist. "come live like a person on the outside of a while" he walked backwards. "people on the outside are bat crap crazy"
"you know it girl" he was now facing the front. I watched patiently as Ashton was allowed to go to the toilets, surprisingly without guards Curiosity got the best of me as i glanced back at the boy. And of course he was still watching me. I couldnt take it no more and i started to make my way to the boys toilet. I seriously hope Ashton knows what he is doing.
Trigger warning!
It was late and the only thing you could hear was the name piercing screams. I occasionally rolled my eyes. I felt numb. I felt cold to the person getting tortured.
It never occurred to me just how distant I had become. This past week, i hadn't talked to Ashton, I had barely eaten and I have barely made any type of conversation.
I think my light was officially dimming. Miss Butts has finally won. Shes destroyed me. I am now nothing more than a weak test subject. I want my life to end. I've
realized that after 17 years of getting cut opened, kicked, pushed and even insulted. The thing is with cuts, you scar. Not me though. I heal and there's nothing i can do about it
I'm trapped on this earth and the worst thing is, there isn't no walls, cells or guards keeping me on this earth... Its myself. I glanced over at Ashton and he was sleeping as usual. His body was stiff, there was sweat forming on his forehead. I could tell he was having yet another bad dream. The covers was hanging off the bed, the sheet was stuck to his shirtless body and his bottoms hanged low on his hips. Despite the fact he clearly was in much pain, he's never looked more attractive. His messy hair as more messy than normal. His lip was caught between his straight white teeth. I had to face the wall because i hated myself for having these thoughts. These thoughts could get you killed, literally.
My stomach clenched at the thought of my mum and father. I figured that they were desperately in love, they would of died for each other. The image of two people holding hands for dear life came to mind. A smile played on my lips. I'd like to think, they died painlessly, they died loved. The screams in the background ripped me out of my thoughts. And just like that the smile faded from my face, my stomach locked together tight and the urge to end it all was stronger than ever. I felt under my pillow for the thing that saves me yet destroys everything at the same time. I gasped loudly as i pricked my finger on the edge of the shiny metallic blade. I looked away from the dry red blood staining the blade. I started doing this a week ago. It was nothing at first, nothing but a little experiment. Something to cut my skin, make me feel like I have a purpose. The moment the cut goes I do it again and again till im tired. Now I find myself doing it whenever im sad, i depend on the release more than ever. I quickly removed my jumper, throwing it on the floor as soon as possible. I raised my sleeves up and sighed. Would this become another endless cycle? I hovered the hard blade over my skin. I feel pain but i feel no emotion. I feel trapped but im as free as i could ever be. Slowly i gazed it over my skin. I watched hesitantly as blood started to pour out. I was angrily and the skin grew back. Not even a scar remained.
The tears came and more cuts didn't stay. I tried as hard as possible to contain the tears, the sobs but they kept flowing like a river. One cut , two cut, three cut four cut. I wanted to throw it against the wall, i wanted to scream for help but I couldn't find the will. This is all i am now. I continued to it for few more minuets. "you're doing it wrong" a raspy voice said from behind me. I snapped my head to the voice which temporary distracted me. "what?" i said through tears. My voice was croaky and hoarse. "If you're trying to kill yourself, cut vertically. They cant stitch that up" he wore attire like a cleaner would wear but the strange thing is that he had a number on his jacket like us. "how are you walking about?"
"if you're trying to kill yourself, you might also try checking whose watching" his eyes were a light brown, he was extremely pale. I raised my eyebrow at him as he smiled. There was blood leaking onto my mattress but i didn't care. He continued to smile as he walked away. I looked to Ashton for guidance or even answers but he was still sleeping. How could a test subject be allowed out of his cell after hours and no guards following him? was I imagining things? was the blood loss effecting my brain? The boy was out of eyesight now. He was no here to be found. I put the blade behind my pillow. I gently laid my head against it and allowed myself to sleep. It had been a long week and i was eager for it to end. I sighed deeply as i covered my body with the white covers. I feel asleep to the boy who distracted me long enough to convince myself today isn't the day i was going to die.
"wake up, dogs" a strange voice said, followed by a harsh tapping sound on the gates. I groaned as my eyes got used to the light. I glared at a scared Harry who was waiting my my cage door. Didn't he catch the hint? I neither wanted to see him again or even talk to him. We're no longer friends. "Can we talk?" he said as he shifted on his feet. Another nervous habit i guess. "no" I said slowly, hoping he will catch the picture. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to let me out. "please Lily, Its important" he begged. His eyes were pleading with me, trying to break the wall i built around myself. "Let me out. Now Harry"
"I cant do that until you hear me out" i rubbed my temples. I was running gout of patience and i as getting hungry. Never a good combination. I sat on my bed. "fine" i shrugged. "I've been promoted. She said i did the right thing when i-- you know. Apparently i showed courage and i done the right thing putting Miss Butts first" he rushed his words. I sat there silently shocked. "im no surprised, almost killing your friend does show loyalty" i rolled my eyes. My voice held sarcasm. "Lily, I'm sorry" Harry sighed. His hands wrapped around the metal bars."tell me Harry, was you ever my friend?"
"you know i was. I was prepared to break you out of here. I love you Lily. And its because i love you.. i stabbed you" he whispered. He looked either side of him and no one was there. "love? you said love was evil. You said that Harry" he looked dead in my eye and said. "you were the exception. Lily, you were the only exception." i shook my head. "lies" his expression was like i had punched him in his stomach. Harry was hurt. I had destroyed him. "what are you now"
"what?"
"what have you been promoted to" i rolled my eyes obviously. "The Picker" his green eyes locked onto a certain spot on the floor. The picker is someone that picks who gets tortured, someone who decides whether we live or die. "oh" .
"are you serious? You know what Lily, i thought you cared. I thought even though you said you hated me, i thought some part of you stilled cared but i was wrong." he put the keys into my cell door."your cold. You've changed. You're nothing but a shell of who you used to be"
"so have you" i called back to him. He didn't bother turning around. I wanted to cry.
I walked into the lunch hall and Miss Butts was at her usual seat at the front watching us all like hawks. Harry wasn't beside her like he normally was. Perhaps he wasn't her little servant anymore. Maybe he has his own office, his own office where he could make tea for himself, maybe he would no longer fear doing something wrong. Maybe this was better for him. Obviously killing someone Isn't that hard for him to do. I took my seat at the back, opposite Ashton. I smiled weakly at him, he replied by doing the same. "nice sleep" i asked knowing the answer. "no" it will always be a no. "sorry about that". The silence was intense. It was extremely crippling. I looked down at my food and scrunched up my nose. "I want to leave this place" Ashton said breaking the silence. "wouldn't we all?" i smirked. He suddenly looked worried. "whens the last time you ate, Lil?" i raised my eyebrow at the use of my rubbish nickname. "Lil?" i laughed
"yes Lil. Only im allowed to call you that yeah" Ashton said waving his plastic fork at me. "oh i see what you're doing. Changing the subject, very funny" he said sarcastically. "i haven't eaten in a week" i looked down at the goo in front of me. Another try at suicide was the reason i didn't eat. I figured how could i heal if im staved to death. "are you serious?"
I nodded. "what the actual fuck Lily" he picked up his knife and fork and placed the goo onto the fork. "eat" i shook my head and smiled. "When i said i was glad you're alive, i didn't mean die in a few weeks time" He waved the awful smelling fork about. I wrapped my mouth around it and swallowed. It was extremely chewy and vile. I burped and then laughed. "happy now"
"very"
I felt a pair of eyes burning into me. I gasped when i saw it was the boy from last night. All he was doing was staring. I was staring back because i never buckle under anyone's gaze. He slightly smiled at me before lifting up his plastic knife. I raised my eyebrow at him. I thought please stop in my head but it was like Ashton could no longer read my mind. The boy lifted his wrist up and imitated cutting himself. Was this some kind of sick joke to him? he stopped as Ashton turned around to investigate who i was looking at. "whats up?" i snapped my gaze to Ashton. I placed my hand over his. "nothing" holding hands was something we always do now. Every time we do i still get these butterflies that wont leave me alone. "Miss Butts is apparently doing some kind of speech today" he scoffed "you'd think she was running for parliament" he laughed loudly causing a few heads to turn our way. I didn't get the joke. Ashton stopped laughing when he realized i wasn't finding him amusing. "lets go." he said standing up. My heart started thumping. "go where?" i quickly said. "meet me at the boys toilet in two minuets"
"what? no Ashton" i grabbed his wrist. "trust me, Lil" he bit his lip and i just couldn't resist. "come live like a person on the outside of a while" he walked backwards. "people on the outside are bat crap crazy"
"you know it girl" he was now facing the front. I watched patiently as Ashton was allowed to go to the toilets, surprisingly without guards Curiosity got the best of me as i glanced back at the boy. And of course he was still watching me. I couldnt take it no more and i started to make my way to the boys toilet. I seriously hope Ashton knows what he is doing.
Notes
Ive been watching American Horror Story and I've fallen in love with Tate so its only right i add him into the story :)
Thank you for the lovely comments and im sorry i haven't been updating :(
small chapter :(
just a filler though
check out "the beauty of being alone" its going to be pretty cute
vote comment and subscribe
p.s I love Evan Peters shh
thanks for updating. i love every bit of it! hope you get better. lots of hugs and get well wishes. <3
2/12/15