You Have Me

"Beth, come on," I shake my head slightly and shrug.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I've never been through this kind of thing, I don't know if I'm supposed to forgive Louis.

"Beth in order to talk, you need to talk back."

"And say what?"

"I don't know," Louis sighs and sits down next to me. He takes my hand and squeezes tightly. "I want to be friends Beth. We're best friends and we're supposed to be ignoring our significant others. Not each other." I look over at Louis. He looks tired and I feel tired. My little person is getting heavy and every thing and everyone is exhausting. "Harry said you're not doing well..."

"Harry also says a bunch of other things, so." I shrug and tug on Harry's hat. I'm not trying to be difficult, but Louis made me mad and when I'm mad, I tend to make things harder than they need to be.

"Don't be difficult," Louis says, pinching my side, "you're meant to be crying, not annoying." He strokes my cheek. And maybe I should kick his head. Maybe that will help me feel.

"Annoying is your talent," I bump my shoulder against his, "What do you want Louis? Why do you insist on making my days harder than they need to be." I wince at the sound of my own voice. Louis looks down and I feel terrible, because somewhere underneath my anger, I love Louis. He's my best friend. But what am I supposed to do. What he did wasn't okay, and now he's trying to make me feel things, I'm obviously working really hard not to feel.

"Beth," Louis sighs, rubbing his face. He looks at me with dull murky eyes. And it's getting harder not to wrap my arms around his shoulders and cuddle him until he's being an ass again. "I was just trying to protect you." He says in a voice that sounds small and hesitant. And when he swipes under his eyes I lose it and reach forward.

He gasps out a small breath, surprised by my sudden affection. His head falls onto my shoulder and I can feel him shaking slightly.

"I didn't know what to do Beth. The last time you saw your dad, you came home sad and angry and you almost died running," and maybe I over ran. Maybe it was enough to pass out. But I highly doubt it was enough to kill me. I tap his shoulder and he nods his head. "Okay , okay maybe you weren't going to die but still. You ran a lot."

"For three hours, Lou. It's not like it was days."

"Shut up. I'm trying to be sentimental and your unnecessary remarks or both unwanted and not needed," Louis picked his head up and connected our eyes. The serious atmosphere back. "I didn't want you to go and see them and then come back worse. What if you got bad again, Beth? What do I do then? I can't let that happen. We barley made it before."

"Lou-"

"Beth you don't get it! I understand you lived it, but not all of us were lucky enough to forget!" Louis standing now, starring down at me. And oddly enough I feel like I'm in trouble. Like I did something horribly wrong. "I won't let you get that way again. Not if I can stop it." He crossed his arms, eyes alert. "I know What I did was wrong. And I'm sorry, Beth. I really am. But I'm going to do whatever I can to protect you and your little-whatever you call it." Louis says pointing to my stomach. My hand subconsciously falls and caresses my bump.

"That's not fair Louis."

"Not fair? Not...Beth I was there. I remember everything!" He spread his arms as if by some weird way that would make his point even clearer, "not fair is me being terrified that I would wake up one morning and find you dead because your razor had gone too far! Not fair was my best friend not being there for me half of the time because she was too wrapped up in her own shit!" He drops his arms but points a finger at me. "Don't tell me what fair is Beth! I've been waiting for everything to somehow get fair!"
I stand, the guilt weighing heavily against my shoulders. I push his hand down and shake my head. My mind goes blank and no words are being processed. So I do what I seem to be best at.

I walk away.

I keep walking, even as Louis is calling out my name, a small 'please' being the last thing I hear.

I don't like this. And I don't feel okay. I stopped feeling okay, since I read that letter. I still don't know if it was a blessing or if it was a last attempt to make my life a living hell. Either way it made me feel small and stupid. It also made me realize that my mom was a bitch. Well, I already knew that. What I didn't know was how much Louis' resented me. How much he resented all of my choices. I don't blame him, and I'm not mad that he's mad. Hearing everything from him makes me realize what shit I've been. And I can't even imagine how much I've hurt and sacred him. Every thing just seems to be stacked against me and this is why no one should be sad. Because half the time, I feel like I'm sad enough for everyone in the world.

Was I really such a fuck up that, I had hurt Louis and I didn't even realize it? Is that why my life has been so bad, because I can't seem to get anything right?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can. I don't think I can hurt Louis any more. He doesn't deserve this. He's been through it all with me. He's the first best friend I've ever had. That alone is enough to shower Louis with all the world's riches. But instead I've made him cry and traumatized him.

That's not okay. It's a hundred levels of not ok-

"You shouldn't be here! You're just going to make things worse!"

What?

"Oh please Harry. Don't pretend you're not happy I'm here."

Lilly?

I walk the rest of the way back. It's only been three hours? Oh fuck.

I was ready to tell Harry what had happened. Maybe he could help me. Harry always seems to make me feel better. But when I get close to the room I can hear Lilly? And I think it's Lilly because Lilly has a voice you just don't forget. Thank fully the door isn't fully closed and a small hole, big enough to see what was happening inside , was open.

Harry's standing there, his arms crossed over his chest as he looks at Lilly, frustrated. Lilly's back is to me, but I can see her wrap her arms around his neck. And this is so confusing because as far as I know Lilly hates Harry, and she was fucking engaged! To a good man! And now...now I don't know what is happening. But I don't like it.

"Beth is coming back any minute now, Lilly. You shouldn't be here." Harry says, voice firm. But he makes no move to push her away.

I really, really don't like this.

"Beth doesn't have to know." Lilly says. And before Harry can say anything, and before I can walk in and kick Lilly until she's blue and purple, Lilly has leaned in capturing Harry's lips with hers. And it's making me sick, because this is Harry! My Harry.

I can't watch this anymore. This is worse than the letter.

I walk in, the door creaking as it opens. Lilly pulls away and Harry's looking at me, his eyes afraid as he pushes Lilly away from him. His mouth opens and I hold my hand up, silencing him.
At this point I'm ready to run and join my dad down under.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," I say tiredly. Harry looks bewildered and I'm ready to cry enough water to fill oceans. But I won't. Not here. Not for Lilly or Harry to see. They don't deserve to see me fall apart. I sigh and rub my face. "I'll leave you to it." I turn to walk away, and before I'm actually out of the room Harry's hand is gripping my arm.

"Beth, I ca-"

"Explain?" I cut him off, "No. I don't want you to explain. I just want to leave for a bit, okay? I'll be back later. Please be finished by then." I rip my arm away and walk all the way out, once again ignoring my name being called out.

This can't be happening to me. Not this.

"Beth?" I look up and see Niall walking. And I forgot that they're all sharing a floor. "Beth what's wrong?"

I shake my head, walking into his open arms. "Will you take a nap with me?"

Niall looks at me searching my face. I shrug and he sighs. He nods and walks us to his room. "Do you want to tell Harry? We don't want him throwing a fit."

I shrug again "He's busy." I say. Niall accepts my answer and let's us into his room. I kick off my shoes and fall on to his bed.

"Beth what happened?" Niall asks, and I hate knowing I'm worrying him.

"Niall please, just nap with me, okay? Just for a bit." He studies my face, and nods. I turn my back to him and push back until he gets the hint and wraps his arm around my waist. Niall's breath evens out, and my eye lids are getting heavy. Just like my heart.

Sleeping is nice. You don't feel anything. You're just sleeping.

Notes

Chai tea latte is bae.