You Have Me

I don't feel well. I want to kick Louis in the head. Over, and over, and over again. But I probably shouldn't, because he could totally beat me up, if he really wanted to. I mean, I don't think he'd ever physically hurt me, but he could.

Right now I'm immensely grateful that I don't own a cellphone, because I can just imagine the way it would be ringing. Probably driving everyone around me, crazy.

This is all so depressing. Louis knew. He knew and he could've told me, how bad my dad had gotten. I could've....I don't know. I could've done something, about it. Maybe things would be different right now. Although I know I shouldn't expect anything. This was my father. And bless his soul and whatnot, he was an awful man. Often times didn't care about anyone besides himself and Lilly. And how I haven't managed to hate Lilly yet, is by far a miracle.

The walk back to the hotel is morbid. And luckily I haven't cried. Which means I still look somewhat normal. The envelope in my hand gets heavier with every step, and because I'm weak I haven't been able to get myself to read it. I don't know what I'd find or what I'd learn. For all I know, this letter could be nothing but my father's last angry thoughts.

We didn't have the best relationship. Hell we didn't have any kind of relationship that didn't involve a slap, or a curse. Sometimes I was so sure I was only kept around because my father needed someone to inflict pain on.

I don't blame him for everything, though. I shouldn't have expected more, than I knew what he could give.

I just want a hug right now. Maybe a cudd- "Oh, God, I'm sorry!" I can't even walk straight.

I release a breath when I find out its Paul. He exhales and grabs my arm, I think so that I couldn't run away.

"Beth, thank god. Harry's about to throw a fit."

He begins walking us to the elevator. But fuck me, because I don't know if I'm ready for this. Fuck, I'm never ready for anything.

"Paul, no," I try to plant my feet against the carpet, but it's no use. Paul's a big man and really, I shouldn't even bother. "Don't make me go up there." I plead desperately. Paul turns his head, and sighs.

"I'm sorry Beth, but Harry's orders were clear." He doesn't turn again and he doesn't wait for me to respond.

I don't mind seeing Harry. Harry didn't do anything. It's Louis. And the small possibility that I may see him is enough to make me want to runaway. And maybe this is why, I never had a best friend before.

****

"Bethany Anne Mills," Harry breathed out. He pulled me to him, his arms hugging tightly. He exhaled a sigh, "Don't you ever do that to me again." He warned. His hand dropped down to my stomach. And suddenly a whole new level of guilt weighed down on me. I didn't mean to worry him, and I feel so and that I did. I wasn't thinking, and now that my little person is with me, it's not okay for me to be so reckless. "I almost called the cops!" Harry pulled away. His hands cupped my face as he examined me with critical eyes. "Are you okay? Do you...we should talk, yeah?"

"We should eat. I'm starving." I'll do almost anything, just so that I can avoid discussing my feelings.

Harry smiled and kissed me. "Baby, you need to let it out."

I shook my head, and gave him my best fake smile. "No, I want birthday cake."

"Beth-"

"Harry. Please. All I want to do is eat a birthday cake. You know the one with the giant icing balloons. And then maybe you can watch me cry as I read this." I hold up the envelope and Harry's eyes take an understanding tone. He nods, and kisses me again. But I really can't afford to get distracted right now.

Harry walks over, and calls in my cake order. I almost want to laugh when he demands that it have pink and red balloons all over the top. "Louis wants to talk, baby." Harry says softly.

Yeah and I want to kick his head.

"No."

"Sweetheart, you should give him a chance to explain himself." Harry says, hanging up the phone and holding his hand out. I walk over, and let him pull me on his lap. He strokes my hair, dropping kisses in between. "Louis' your best friend. And I know what he did was wrong, but he does have his reasons. Lou would never hurt you, just to hurt you. He loves you. I mean, I love you more, but Louis' a close second."

I nod, shrugging my shoulders. I love Louis too. I do. He's my best friend. But friends don't do this to each other. They just don't.

"I love you." He says with an easy smile.

"I love you," I respond, pressing my forehead against his, "and the cake we're about to eat."

The knock on my door made me happy. My cake was here, and I was going to eat it, and oh god, everything else sucks, but not this cake. I clap my hands together and hop around as Harry walks back with my cake. Oh god, it looks so nice.

But everything changes as soon as my eyes land on the envelop. It's laughing up at me, because it knows I'm terrified. Fucking envelope.

I sigh and walk over to it. I'm giving in. It's better to rip the bandaid off, Than to pull slowly. Harry holds his hand up, stopping me. I freeze and he walks over, grabbing my hand and walking us back to sit on the bed. He sits me in between his thighs. "Don't hold back, when you're done. Scream, throw things, hit me. But let it out, okay?"

I nod and open up the seal, my head spinning.

Bethany,

My darling Beth. It is with an uncooperative heart, and a weak hand that I write to you. If you're reading this, then sadly I'm no longer with you, and Lilly, by the grace of the lord has somehow convinced you to speak to her. There are many things I want to say, many things I should say. But I won't, mostly because I know they won't change anything. They won't change the way things ended, or the way you feel about me. There is no use, for an apology. Heaven knows there is no point in it. I'm dead, and the hatred you must be feeling for me, is beyond repair. I didn't want to do things this way. It's weak and impersonal. But believe me when I say, this is the only way I'd ever be able to tell you the truth.

Everything that's happened in the past, every hit, every mean word I've ever used to hurt you, is unacceptable. It's not the way a father is supposed to show their love. And with Lilly it was easy not to. Because with Lilly, I knew Lilly was mine. She was half of who I was. But when it came to you, Beth when it came down to the truth, everyone knew you weren't mine. Of course we never confirmed it, but we knew. Your mother, the useless wrench that she is would never admit the truth behind her affair. She didn't have to. The pictures were proof enough. But after one long and lonely night, the odds became fifty/fifty. The uncertainty was enough to drive me mad. And because I knew I could never hurt your mother, without it looking terribly wrong. I took it out on the person least to blame. Looking back at it, I was so glad you weren't mine. Because then you'd have turned out despicable. I'm a twisted, selfish, cold man. But you. You my darling Beth, you are warm and selfless, you are everything I would never be. Everything you could never get from me. Or your mother. .

The truth will set you free, they say. But really in the end, all it does is show, how big of a fool one has been. I don't deserve anything from you, I don't deserve any consideration. I just hope that this has helped you, in some sort of small way. I hope your mother burns from all her lies, and that you and Lilly find peace with eachother. But mostly I hope you finally find happiness. I hope Harry, or whoever you choose is the reason for such joy. You'll go far, farther than this old man has gone. And just to set you off, I have attached my lawyers' number with this. Call him, and state your full name. He will then take care of the rest and you'll get everything you've ever deserved to have. I know I said I won't apologize, but I will say, I regret everything. I regret not showing you love and for blaming you. You can still find out the truth if you'd like. As far as I know your mother's fling is still breathing, and Ben (my lawyer) will help you reach him. Whatever you choose, I hope it does good for you. Be happy, and most importantly be you.
With all the love I should have shown you, my darling Beth.

~Stephen

(Your father. I don't know if you still consider me as such.)

"Baby?"

I lower the letter, "I'm done."

I'm a hundred levels of done.

Notes

Chicken nuggets will one day rule all.