You Have Me

All these feeling, all the things I want to say right now. I have gone over this a hundred times before in my head, because I knew that sooner or later I'd have to face them again. I just wasn't expecting to do it so soon.

"Beth," Harry says, as he puts-what's supposed to be a soothing-hand on my arm, "We can leave, if you want? I mean...I don't think she's seen us...yet?" Thats a very tempting offer. It really is, and it's also the easy, and personally it may also be the most practical one.
But I think I'm done with the running.

For now.

"No," I say while shaking my head. "I don't think, she's here because of me.." I say, bopping my head towards her. A waitress is leading them towards a small table in the far corner. They pick up their menus as, I'm assuming, the waitress is writing down what they'll be drinking. I feel a bit creepy, just starring, but I can't help look away until they share a small kiss. It's both strange and unusually romantic.

"Are you sure? I don't want you stressed or on edge."

"Ah don't take her away, mate," Niall whines with a pout, "This is the first time we've seen her in a while! Don't be a pussy!" Niall throws his cloth napkin at Harry.

Harry chucks it back with half a smile. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever." He turns to look at me, with curious eyes, "Yeah?"

I nod, pecking his lips quickly.

"That's how a baby starts." Louis chirps, bumping my shoulder. Looking back at it. Louis' right. It's both funny and kind of sad.

"Yeah, we-"

"Bethany?"

As soon as I feel Lilly's hand on my shoulder, my body freezes and Louis' mouth shuts tight. Our table goes silent and all I can hear is the way my heart might implode. Because Lilly's behind me, and she wants to talk? Maybe she wants to fight? Lord knows I can't really fight right now. Not like Harry would let me.

"Bethany, please," Lilly says. I can feel her hand quivering against my shoulder. "Can we talk?"

Can we talk? CAN WE TALK?

Ipush my chair back, because if we're going to "talk" then I'm going to face her. Harry's arm stops me before I can actually walk away with her.

"You don't have to do anything." Harry whispers in my ear. From my peripherals, I can see Lilly's glare, and it's almost amusing how much, nothing has changed. Almost.
I shrug my shoulders. "I'll be back, okay." Harry sighs and kisses me quickly. When I look back, Lilly's halfway through with, rolling her eyes.

"We can talk at my table." She says holding out her hand. Oh, that's fair. Two against one? I don't think so. "What? Let's go." I shake my head, and move back slightly. Louis' halfway out of his chair and everyone is watching with critical eyes. Harry curls his arm around my waist, pulling me towards him. "Beth." Lily sighs.

"If you want to talk at your table, then Harry is going to come with us." Im firm about this. There's no way Lilly is going to one up me, and manipulate me, with her fiancé or whatever he is.

"What? No, why?" Lilly asks loosing her patients.

"Because just you alone is like a hundred levels of manipulative. I don't even want to imagine what you and your...man friend are like together."

Lilly's mouth parts and I can feel Harry chuckle behind me. I also could've swore someone from our table let out a small 'damn'.

"Fine. Whatever. If it'll get you to speak to me, then fine," she spins to look back at me, and then glares at Harry, "By the way, his name is James and he's not manipulative or a jerk. He's a wonderful man." She spins on her heel and walks towards her table. She doesn't brother to wait for us, probably because she knows she can out run me right now.

Our table wishes me luck and Louis (who looks considerably nervous. Why? I don't know) just winks and slaps his closed fist against him Palm.

Yeah. Louis has the right idea.

It's now or never. And I kind of hoped it would've been later.
****
"Thank you for agreeing, to sp-"

"What do you want Lilly?" I say, interrupting her pleasantries. I'm not here for that. I'm here because I want, well I need closure and I need to know what Lilly's problem is.

Lilly nods her head once, and Harry squeezes our conjoined hands. Turns out Lilly was right. James is a very nice man. Doesn't seem, so...judgemental. And that's really nice. It really is. "I tried calling, I wanted to tell you when there was still hope for a reconciliation, but..." Reconciliation?

What?

And then I hear a small sniffle and Lilly's wiping under her eyes, and then it all makes sense. I'm just hoping I'm wrong. But by the way Harry's hand is squeezing mine, I don't think I am.

"Lilly.."

James whispers something in Lilly's ear. And it obviously calms her down enough to look up. "Daddy, died a month ago."

It's not supposed to surprise me, and it's not supposed to make me want to cry, and cry, and cry. But it does, and I don't have a right to. Not when I left, the way I did. Or when I decided that I didn't want, him to be a part of my life. And, God I feel so fucking bad. I wasn't even there. I wasn't fucking there!

"A m-month ago?" It's really not that hard. She just said a month ago, but oh god, I'm fucking trash.

"I called you, Bethany, and when I figured you wouldn't call back I tol-I called." Her voice is harsh, and I don't blame her, for being upset with me. I'm upset with myself right now.

"What do you mean you told someone? Who the fuck...?"

I turn to look at Harry, but he's just as surprised as I am. So for one I know it wasn't Harry, and that is a gigantic relief.

"It doesn't matter, Bethany. It won't change anything. It's done." But it's not. It's really not.

"Lilly, who did you call? Who knew?"

"Before I tell you, let me give you this." She fumbles through her bag, and pulls out an envelope. It's got my name written in neat cursive and it makes me want to cry, because that's my dads writing. It's from him.

This is all so conflicting, because this man was horrible. I feel terrible but this man was my nightmare.

"It's from daddy. I don't know what it is, or what's in it. He just made me promise, to give it to you. Not that you deserve it."

"Not that I? No-who did you tell?" First things first. I want to know. I want to know who knew and then I'll deal with this. Lilly arches her brow and crosses her arms over her chest. Ah, her signature challenging pose. "Lilly, who did you tell?"

"I don't know why you care, so much. Really it won't change anything." Jame taps her shoulder gently and she turns to face him. They have a silent conversation. It's slightly weird. But eventually she sighs and her shoulders droop. And I really need to learn this man's ways. "Don't take it too hard, alright? I'm sure they meant well."

"Okay." I say quietly.

"I called Louis, and he said that you had no interest in what was happening or what would happen."

"You told Louis? Our Louis?" Harry asked. He doesn't quite believe it yet, and I don't really either. What?

"Yes. I can imagine how hard it is for someone of your capacity to understand, even the simplest of things, bu-"

"Shut up Lilly."

"Baby-"

I hold up my hand to silence him. "I'm going home-or back to the hotel-I Don't know....t-tell Niall and all of them I'm sorry...tell them I didn't feel well, I don't care. I just, I have to go."

"Wait, Beth."

I whip back around, shaking my head. "Beth?" Louis voice calls out. And when I look over, the tears show up without my permission and Louis gets this scared look. "Wait. Come talk to me." I don't want to hear it. I really don't. I just want to leave, so that I can cry.

"Beth, wait!" Harry's the last voice I hear, before I turn the corner hoping to hid away. Louis' promise makes sense now. Louis' strange antics don't seem so strange anymore. But I liked it better, when I thought he had just been missing me. Now...now I just wish I would've stayed home, because this sucks on so many levels.

Notes

Butter, butter,butter