You Have Me

I'm scared. Christ, that sounds so weak. But I'm absolutely terrified, and I'm nervous, and I'm a fucking wreck. I have no inclining of what's standing on the other side of the door and I don't know how I'll see my father, after a week. Was his health so bad that he was already showing the signs of death? I hope not. I really, really, really hope not. I'm afraid of finding out how our last conversation ended. Did we even have a conversation? Or did he simply find me so unworthy, I didn't even get to see him? I didn't know. And I'm so sick of not knowing. There was so much we needed to discuss. So many things I needed to figure out. And everything seems so big, and I feel so small.

But right now my size didn't matter and I couldn't back out of this. I knew I had to do this. For him, but mostly for me.

With the sign of the cross I took a deep breath and placed my trembling hand, pushing the double doors open. Dad's back was facing me while his front was facing the book shelve. I now, understood why I was told not to stare at his hair. It was almost gone. It was incredibly thin and fuck. I'm complete shit.

One hundred percent shit.

I cleared my throat and waited for him to acknowledge me. I shook my head trying to rid myself of the images of me doing this when I was younger. This sucks on so many levels. He kept his back to me, "Not now." He says without heat. He let out a sigh shaking his head lightly.

"I can," I coughed clearing my shaky voice. "I can come back?" I offered. Maybe he wasn't ready to see me either. And that was okay. It was understandable.

His back straightened and the book in his hand closed. He turned and I was finally met with his tired face. His eyes were bruised underneath and his cheekbones were prominent like he hasn't eaten in days.
"Beth?" He whispered unsure. I bit my lip and nodded.

"Hello, s-sir." And why can't I say these things without fucking stuttering. Why?

Because I'm me.

Oh, right.

"You're here," he said while walking towards me. I had to fight back every instinct that told me to back up.

"You're here." He said firmly, his voice more believing this time. I nodded letting a puff of air out from my
lungs. Oh fuck, I was here.

"I am." I told him softly, not believing it myself either.

I can feel my heart racing, and I know my eyes are hard. I can't name what I'm feeling because I seem to be feeling everything all at once. He takes one more look at me before launching himself at me. His arms are around my middle as he clings to me. He doesn't seem like he wants to let go, even though I've gone completely rigid under him. And when I realize he's not going to let go any time soon, I hesitantly wrap my arms around his shoulders.

"Y-you came."

"Yeah." I breathed out. My words mumbled together because my mouth was smothered by his suit. "Um. Sir? Can you let go? I can't breathe." I asked. I felt his laugh softly before he squeezed me one last time and then set me free.

"Christ, Beth. Please stop calling me sir. That sounds awful."

"Sorry. Force of habit." I said. I didn't mean it as a jab. I really, really didn't. But whether I did or not it made him wince and it made me feel worse. Fuck me. I'm going to hell. "Sorry." I whispered and my dad offered me a sad smile.

Oh god, I can do this. I can do this.

"It's okay, just please don't call me sir. It's not very pleasant." I nodded knowing how he felt. Having to call someone sir wasn't very pleasant for me either. "Are you staying?" He asks his voice hopeful and it had me feeling ten times worse. Because no. I wasn't. I didn't have a reason too. I'm surprised he actually wanted me to stay.

"Only for a few days," I tell him and I feel a strong pang in my chest as his face drops. "Harry and I have to go back. He's on tour."

"Harry's with you?" He asks and his voice sounds a lot better than Lilly's had. And what? Shouldn't he hate Harry more? I nod and I carefully wait for his reaction. And to my surprise it's calm? Okay? "Oh." He says softly and I'm so lost. What is happening? "Are you any better? Or can you still not, you know, remember anything?" I look at him surprised that he knew about my condition. He just shrugged his shoulders and gave me half a smile. "We called the hospital." He said timidly. And what? They did? I shake my head sadly. My amnesia is still a sore subject. Because right now I'm practically an invalid.

"I'm still clueless."

He tsked like a disapproving parent, which I guess he was. Kind of.

"So nothing's come back?"

I shook my head from side to side. No. I don't think I'd be here if I had my memory back. Judging by the stories I've heard from the guys.

"So you don't remember the last talk we had? Do you remember anything from your past? Our relationship?"

That I remember. And it's terribly unfair, because my past is the one thing I truly wish I could forget. "Besides the recent one, we had last week?" He nods and I shrug. "No. Besides our recent chat, I can't remember anything else. I do remember everything up until I'm seventeen. After that everything goes blank,...so......" His face drops again and I really wish he'd stop making me feel like I had just murdered a hundred puppies.

I can do this.

"Okay. Well I'm sure you want to know why this is the first time we've spoken in two years, right?"
"It'd be appreciated. Yes. Harry didn't really go into details. Just said you didn't agree with my choices?" He nodded and scratched his balding head. He motioned for me to sit down across from him and I gladly accepted because my knees were about to give out at any moment. He sat down hands clasped together on his desk.

"We never saw eye to eye Bethany. You were never like Lilly." He took a deep breath and his face harden. Ah yes. That's the look I'm used to. I was never like Lilly? It was more like, I never wanted to be like her. "You always made it so hard, and it continued to get even harder as you got older. And then you met Harry." Harry's name left his lips with a hiss. And what? What the fuck happened, that made them hate Harry? Who the fuck is this man? What kind of game is he playing? "Having Harry around you, made you lose sight of your priorities. No matter how hard I disciplined you, you always found a way to sneak off with that boy. You didn't care about your family anymore. It was all about Harry. It was always Harry!" He raised his voice and now it was my turn to wince. How can he talk about Harry like this? I know I don't remember my past but I know Harry. Harry isn't a problem. He makes me happy. "And then on your birthday, we held a nice dinner in your honor, everything was going nicely and then he showed up and took you away, from us. He didn't say why and you didn't stop him. You just left like we were nothing!"

"No." I whispered. I shook my head and tried to mend my broken heart.

"What?" He asked his voice louder than before.

"No. It doesn't add up," I looked up and forced my tears back. "No, Harry would never force me to leave with him. He's not like that."
He's not. Of course he's not. Harry's lovely and amazing and he cares about me.

And oh Jesus, maybe I can't do this.

"He's not like that?! Oh please, Bethany!" And yes there's the screaming I remembered. "He's a mistake that you should've left in your past. He's the reason why you woke up with no family, and he's going to be the reason you end up alone, when he leaves you. So do yourself a favor. Leave Harry. Leave his band of problems and come home to your family. Come home to the people who actually care about you."

"Stop!" I'm not surprised. I'm not upset. I'm not mad. I'm about to fucking snap.

The doors open and a wide eyed Harry runs in followed by Lilly who was muttering something about privacy and blah, blah, blah. "Beth?" He asks and I'm too riled up, to walk away.

"You think Harry's the reason I left?" I ask incredibly astonished. He nods and I'm so glad I can't see the wounded look Harry's face is most likely sporting right now. " And now, You're sitting there saying I was the problem and that I made things hard because I wasn't like Lilly, and you still expect me to stay?" He just nods and it's so sad that my father doesn't see the problem I have with what he just said. Its so disappointing that he doesn't even realize how wrong everything he said is. I shake my head back up, ignoring the tears that are ready to wet my cheeks. "I shouldn't have come. I.....I hope....I shouldn't have come." I turn and dodge Lilly's hand that was about to grip my arm. I know Harry's running after me but I feel like I've just been stabbed in the heart. And fuck me for having feelings.

"Beth, please stop and talk to me." I hear Harry behind me. But I don't stop. I merely walk back outside and the cold feels really nice against my heated skin. Fuck this. Fuck family, fuck Lilly, fuck my stupid, egotistical father. Fuck, fuck, fuck everything. I walk over to the rented car and kick the door. And when it makes me feel better I do it again, and again, and again (and the people from the rental place are going to be incredibly pissed, but fuck them too) and again, and ag-

"Beth stop, hey, hey stop." Harry's says. He gets a strong hold against my waist and turns me. He cups my face and wipes my tears with his thumb. "I'm here. You're okay and I'm here." He promises kissing my cheek and wrapping his arms around me in a hug. And yes, I know he's here and he's been here. How can my father lie about Harry like that. How can he say things like that and expect me to stay?

No Harry would never make me do something I didn't want to. Never.

"I want to leave." I whimper and his arms tighten.

"Okay, baby." He pulls away and kisses me quietly. "Let's go."

And the sad part was that if my father did pass I don't know if I'd be back.

Notes

So not yass.