I didn’t realize it when Liam picked me up, carrying me out of the office and back to my apartment. I only realized when I was sitting back on my couch, someone must have moved it in here this morning. Aly wrapped my legs in a blanket and handed me hot chocolate. “I’m sorry” I whispered to them. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I said looking down at my feet.

“We know Mick.” Louis said. “You did what you could” he rubbed my back. “You tried to tell him multiple times you asked him to come over last night and he didn’t come.”

I sighed turning on a movie “How is he?” I asked softly.

Aly looked up from her phone “According to Niall he’s curled up on his bed throwing things around his room crying and screaming.” She said sadly knowing I didn’t want it sugar coated.

I nodded “I don’t blame him” I muttered turning to Liam and Louis “Go look after him.” They gave me skeptical looks until I glared at the shooing them out the door. As soon as they were out the door I curled up in a ball facing the back of the couch. I had lost him I lost the one man I have ever loved. I didn’t deserve to be happy I’d made a mess of his heart. I pulled my phone out of my pocket sending a text to Anne ‘He found out. I asked him to come over last night so I could tell him myself but he never showed up so Simon told him this morning in our meeting. It didn’t go well. I figured I’d let you know, I’d suggest you don’t tell him you knew before. It’d only hurt him more but its up to you I’m not the best judge of what he’s gonna do anymore.’ I typed out quickly before settling back into the couch as Aly came in the front door with all the things we’d jokingly put on our ‘things to mend a broken heart list’ Most of the list was chocolate. She put a pepperoni pizza on the table with soda, ice cream, chips, candy, alcohol and chocolate and all the movies that took my mind off everything when I watched them.

Aly slipped in the 4th Star Wars well it was the 1st one to come out but the 4th in the series. When my phone rang, Simon, I hit pause immediately on the dvd freezing the double sun over the desert opening. “How are you doing Mick?” he asked his voice tired.

“Fine. I just wanted one more day Simon. I was going to tell him last night when I asked him to come over last night but he didn’t come.”

“I gave you time.”

“And I told him its not my fault he was too thick to put it together, I spelled it out for him.”

“But you didn’t read it after.”

“I SHOULDN’T HAVE TOO!!! HE’S MY BOYFRIEND… my ex boyfriend. He should be able
to put it together he just didn’t want to!!!!” I cried.

“You’re not fine. You have a few days off. The next day you’ll be back for the single release party for ‘Story Of My Life’ that’s in 5 days.”

I nodded “Ok I’ll see you on Saturday, if you guys need anything taken care of just call.”
“Rest Mick, if we need something I’ll call, but go shopping or bake or whatever it is that you girls do.”

“You forgot partying, drinking and stupid boy bands.” I stated laughing almost hearing Simon’s eyeroll.

“Ok Mick. As I was saying though, on the upside since Harry now knows, you can break it off with Darren.” Simon said “I’ll talk to you later Mick.”

“Ok Bye Simon.” I hung up the phone his words registering with me. I could break up with Darren! I smiled for a second then my smile fell. I didn’t deserve to break up with him after what I did to Harry I’d deal with it.

I sighed unpausing the movie, and turning over to watch as I sat up to grab a slice of pizza. I opened the box and froze, as Aly fell over laughing. Inside the box the pepperoni spelled ‘Fuck You Styles’ I rolled my eyes letting the pizza box fall closed without grabbing a piece.
Aly grabbed the box re-arranging the mini pepperonis again on the pizza and pushed it back to me, I opened it curious to what she'd re-worked it to say. It now read ‘Fuck You Darren’ I laughed and grabbed a slice.

“So when is the next doctors appointment?” Aly asked.

“Tomorrow. Shit the test results Simon gave me! Where are the test results!” I leapt up as Aly waved me to sit back down pausing the movie again with the picture of the sand men on the screen.

She walked out of the room and back in with the manila envelope. “You dropped it as you ran out of Simon’s office.” She handed it over to me.

I took it my hands shaking, “I’m scared Aly. What if it came back?”

“Then you have to fight it.”

“What’s the point I already lost Harry.”

“No you have to fight it for him, he still loves you, loosing you for good would completely destroy him. He still loves you despite this he’s always loved you and he always will. Fight for him if you won’t fight for yourself.” Aly said steadying my hands as I opened the letter. I closed my eyes taking a deep breath before looking down at the papers blood work, the final imaging results, the biopsy, x-ray, MRI, ultra-sound and the final page, the re-cap. Stage 1 Hodgkins lymphoma, and stage 1 leukimia, an infected red marrow in my fibia in my left calf the one they didn’t remove in the last surgery.

I stopped dropping the paper. It was back it wasn’t as bad as last time not even close, but chemo was going to be needed for the entire rest of the tour, I was going to need to pack my wigs and extensive makeup for the next trip. “Its back.” I said letting my head drop into my hands that had dropped the papers.

Aly scrambled for them reading the re-cap quickly before dropping it to the floor as well and wrapping her arms around me. Pulling her phone out and texting Simon and all the boys minus Harry, ‘Mick’s Cancer is back, Stage 1, leukimia and lymphoma she’ll be on chemo for the rest of the tour til she can get surgery is my guess we’ll know more when she gets home from the doctors tomorrow’ “I told the others, but not Harry do you want me to tell him?” She asked rubbing my back as I choked back dry sobs.

“Ye-yes. Let him know I’ve kept him in the dark about this for too long.” I said as Aly moved to forward the text to Harry. Neither of us realizing that at that moment Louis and Liam had just walked through the door to Harry’s flat, Niall and Zayn were all looking back and forth between each other and their phones. Liam and Louis pulled out their phones as Niall pointed to his violently. They felt their stomach drop as they all realized Harry hadn’t gotten Aly’s text about me. He continued to hurl glasses and chairs anything he could find. They didn’t know if they should tell him gesturing back and forth and playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who would tell him. When they all heard his phone go off, they all froze watching as he pulled out his phone reading the same text as the others and crumpled to the floor sobbing even more curling into a ball. Taking on the same position as me at the moment feeling the reality come crashing down on him that he had fucked up, and pushed me away when I needed him most. Thinking I’d never want him if he was this unreliable when I needed him most of all. While I sat on the floor wanting nothing more to be holding onto him tight as I could crying into his chest that I was fighting for my life again.

But I had chosen to push him away, I had fucked it up and I intended to punish myself for it, I’d messed up and I would have what I deserved for hurting him so much. I’d never deserve him after what I’d done to his heart. I finally unpaused the movie again taking a deep breath, taking a bite of pizza. I had made my choice, I was going to bite the bullet and stay with Darren. The death of my romantic life, I could drink to that I thought grabbing the vodka laying back on the couch with Aly like we used to and forget that I was ill and lose ourselves in the movies at hand til we could face reality with a smile.

Notes

It has to get worse before it can get better, sadly.

Love you all thank you for reading!!! let me know what you think!!!