I Don't Understand
I Feel Lost
Tuesday, 7/7/09
I was lying in my bed, feeling crappy. I'm gonna put this bluntly... I got my period yesterday. Don't touch me. I was curled up under the covers, and scrolling through my phone for the first time in... Weeks. I hadn't used it. There hadn't been a reason to. I mea, I didn't have anybody to contact back home, let alone actual friends. That's why I was so close to Damian. I was 'Little Miss Popularity' in middle school, but pretty much burned through freshman year without talking to anybody.
I read through my contacts list and deleted way more than half of them. I scrolled through the list reading the contacts I had stolen from Harry's list. All the guys plus Pez and El. I should get Misty and Cerena's... I went to my "recently called" list, and Mom's was second on it, underneath one I didn't have in my contacts. That must my Brayleigh's than... I smiled to myself. The last time my phone was used was the day I moved here... I remember when Dan called Leigh because Mom lost her phone back in LA. I added Brayleigh to my contacts. Wait... Mom still doesn't have a phone?! What? I shook my head. My family really does not use cell phones. I ended up staring at the last text I sent to Johnny. I sat up.
I Love You. But it's time for me to move on. Don't forget me.
I never got a reply to that...
I flopped backwards again on my bed. I am so stupid. I told Niall no... So why did I say yes the second time he asked? I should have stuck with my answer. I looked down at my phone again and my jaw dropped. I was speechless with my eyes glued to the screen. I had gotten a response. And right after I sent the text, too. I must have never been notified because of the plane ride, or something like that. I opened the text and immediately regretted it.
You are my forever.
A tear slid down my face. I remembered everything we had been. I was twelve when I met him, and he had always treated me like a lady. Like a princess. My parents loved him, Dan thought of him as a brother, my sisters adored him. Johnny is part of who I am. He never thought of himself. He never asked for anything. And I shared my first kiss with him, just three weeks ago... I've been kissed again since than. I drank in his words and squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them again, I looked at the screen and made the stupid decision to text him.
You are the only memory worth keeping
Another tear slid down my face, remembering the promise ring he gave me. Remembering what he said. He had made me close my eyes, and slipped it on my finger. When I opened my eyes and looked at it, he said; "It's a knot, because you and I will be tied together. Forever." I stood up and ran over to my dresser, opening the top drawer and searching frantically. The top drawer had been fashioned into a jewelry box. I kept looking, and looking. But I couldn't find it. I was sobbing. I turned around and leaned against my dresser, pushing the drawer closed with my shoulders as I slid down to the ground and hugged my knees, letting tears slide down my cheeks slowly as my breath hiccuped in my throat. My Johnny. How could I forget you. You told me to find somebody else... But somebody else found me.
I stood up and wiped my eyes dry. I turned back and opened the jewelry drawer again calmly, picking up each individual piece and laying them on top of my dresser. I came to a huge clump of tangled necklace chains and inwardly groaned. I picked up the knot and jumped on my bed, grabbing my laptop and scrolling through a list of movies. I was determined to put my mind elsewhere. I was reading the titles and thinking No... No... Not that one... Nope... Seen it too many times... And than I came to 'Pride and Prejudice' Oh my goodness yes!!! I have all day, so a five-hour marathon movie is exactly what I need. I payed the fee and crawled back under the covers with my ball of chains. I set my laptop on my legs, and started the movie. My fingers mindlessly pulled, pushed, and loosened for a long time. Every once in a while I would pull necklace free, but to be honest I wasn't paying attention to my fingers. I Love this movie. I was about half an hour in, and my fingers found the cause of the knot. I pulled the last necklace free, and looked down at my hands. I reached up and stopped the movie, dazedly putting the laptop aside and closing the lid. I cupped my hands around the object that had been the root of the tangle. It was a tarnished little ring... It was thin, sterling silver, and had a tiny knot as the centerpiece. It was my promise ring.
I clutched it in my hand and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a small pot, some baking soda, and aluminum foil. I put some water in the pot, and set it on a burner, throwing in some baking soda. I waited for the water to boil for a few minutes, and than mentally face palmed. Only I could forget to turn the heat on. I turned the dial to medium heat, and sat down at the island. I opened my hand and looked down at the precious treasure in my hands, trying not to cry. I'm not sure if this is joy or sorrow. A few minutes later the water was boiling and I gently, tightly, wrapped and molded a piece of tinfoil around my ring, than dropped it into the pot. It fizzed and bubbled on contact with the baking soda water, and I nodded. I opened a drawer and looked around for a large spoon. "What's up Lina" I turned around "Hi Dad!" He walked over and peeked into my pot. "Sterling?" I nodded "Yeah." He reached into the drawer I had opened and pulled out a spoon without even looking. "How long" I thought. "Two minutes?" He dipped the spoon into the boiling mixture and swirled the water around. "How bad was it?" "Pretty bad. I would leave it for two more." He nodded, and turned the heat a little higher, than grabbed a pan lid from a drawer and with one more stir, placed the lid on top and set a timer on the microwave. He came over next to me at the stovetop and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. We just stood there for a while. "So what is it?" "Um, it's a ring." He looked at me, smiling and teasing me "Which one?" I smiled, but my voice shrank "The one from Johnny." His smile faded, and he rubbed his hand up and down my arm, than kissed me on the top of my head. The timer on the microwave beeped and I walked over to turn in off. Dad spooned out the foil-wrapped ring and reached for a paper towel. Than he wrapped up the ring, set it on the counter, and poured the water in the sink, setting the pot in the dishwasher. He came back over and unwrapped the paper towel, than the foil, and wiped off the damp ring before running it under cold water from the faucet. He wiped it off again, and caught my hand, putting the ring on my left rig finger. "He loved you. He probably always will." He pulled me in close for a hug, and set his chin on my head. Once again we stood together in silence. My Dad gives the best hugs. Than he spoke again. "I talked to Niall the other day." I broke free from his hug and turned away, walking out of the kitchen. i didn't want to talk about Niall. I don't know why I accepted. "I can't go out with him." As I walked through the living room into the foyer, My Dad spoke softly to me. "You have to move on, sweetheart." A tear slid down my cheek. I always end up crying. I ran up the stairs into my room and jumped on my bed, pulling the covers over my head again. Some light shined through the blankets, and I looked down at my hands. The ring looked brand new, just like the day he gave it to me. I sighed deeply. My Dad's right though. I sat up in my bed, grabbed a tissue, and assumed my former position with my laptop, to continue my movie. I reached way over to my bedside table and opened the top drawer, grabbing my emergency bag of M&M's, and settling down for four more hours of peace. Who cares if I haven't eaten yet today. My phone vibrated besides me. It was Johnny. I slowly picked up my phone and read the text.
I Love You. But Goodbye. I will never forget you. But you have to forget me.
I typed my reply and hit send.
Never.
At that I threw my phone at the wall. It left a deep dent, and the screen shattered. Now my phone matches my heart. He promised forever.
I was lying in my bed, feeling crappy. I'm gonna put this bluntly... I got my period yesterday. Don't touch me. I was curled up under the covers, and scrolling through my phone for the first time in... Weeks. I hadn't used it. There hadn't been a reason to. I mea, I didn't have anybody to contact back home, let alone actual friends. That's why I was so close to Damian. I was 'Little Miss Popularity' in middle school, but pretty much burned through freshman year without talking to anybody.
I read through my contacts list and deleted way more than half of them. I scrolled through the list reading the contacts I had stolen from Harry's list. All the guys plus Pez and El. I should get Misty and Cerena's... I went to my "recently called" list, and Mom's was second on it, underneath one I didn't have in my contacts. That must my Brayleigh's than... I smiled to myself. The last time my phone was used was the day I moved here... I remember when Dan called Leigh because Mom lost her phone back in LA. I added Brayleigh to my contacts. Wait... Mom still doesn't have a phone?! What? I shook my head. My family really does not use cell phones. I ended up staring at the last text I sent to Johnny. I sat up.
I Love You. But it's time for me to move on. Don't forget me.
I never got a reply to that...
I flopped backwards again on my bed. I am so stupid. I told Niall no... So why did I say yes the second time he asked? I should have stuck with my answer. I looked down at my phone again and my jaw dropped. I was speechless with my eyes glued to the screen. I had gotten a response. And right after I sent the text, too. I must have never been notified because of the plane ride, or something like that. I opened the text and immediately regretted it.
You are my forever.
A tear slid down my face. I remembered everything we had been. I was twelve when I met him, and he had always treated me like a lady. Like a princess. My parents loved him, Dan thought of him as a brother, my sisters adored him. Johnny is part of who I am. He never thought of himself. He never asked for anything. And I shared my first kiss with him, just three weeks ago... I've been kissed again since than. I drank in his words and squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them again, I looked at the screen and made the stupid decision to text him.
You are the only memory worth keeping
Another tear slid down my face, remembering the promise ring he gave me. Remembering what he said. He had made me close my eyes, and slipped it on my finger. When I opened my eyes and looked at it, he said; "It's a knot, because you and I will be tied together. Forever." I stood up and ran over to my dresser, opening the top drawer and searching frantically. The top drawer had been fashioned into a jewelry box. I kept looking, and looking. But I couldn't find it. I was sobbing. I turned around and leaned against my dresser, pushing the drawer closed with my shoulders as I slid down to the ground and hugged my knees, letting tears slide down my cheeks slowly as my breath hiccuped in my throat. My Johnny. How could I forget you. You told me to find somebody else... But somebody else found me.
I stood up and wiped my eyes dry. I turned back and opened the jewelry drawer again calmly, picking up each individual piece and laying them on top of my dresser. I came to a huge clump of tangled necklace chains and inwardly groaned. I picked up the knot and jumped on my bed, grabbing my laptop and scrolling through a list of movies. I was determined to put my mind elsewhere. I was reading the titles and thinking No... No... Not that one... Nope... Seen it too many times... And than I came to 'Pride and Prejudice' Oh my goodness yes!!! I have all day, so a five-hour marathon movie is exactly what I need. I payed the fee and crawled back under the covers with my ball of chains. I set my laptop on my legs, and started the movie. My fingers mindlessly pulled, pushed, and loosened for a long time. Every once in a while I would pull necklace free, but to be honest I wasn't paying attention to my fingers. I Love this movie. I was about half an hour in, and my fingers found the cause of the knot. I pulled the last necklace free, and looked down at my hands. I reached up and stopped the movie, dazedly putting the laptop aside and closing the lid. I cupped my hands around the object that had been the root of the tangle. It was a tarnished little ring... It was thin, sterling silver, and had a tiny knot as the centerpiece. It was my promise ring.
I clutched it in my hand and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a small pot, some baking soda, and aluminum foil. I put some water in the pot, and set it on a burner, throwing in some baking soda. I waited for the water to boil for a few minutes, and than mentally face palmed. Only I could forget to turn the heat on. I turned the dial to medium heat, and sat down at the island. I opened my hand and looked down at the precious treasure in my hands, trying not to cry. I'm not sure if this is joy or sorrow. A few minutes later the water was boiling and I gently, tightly, wrapped and molded a piece of tinfoil around my ring, than dropped it into the pot. It fizzed and bubbled on contact with the baking soda water, and I nodded. I opened a drawer and looked around for a large spoon. "What's up Lina" I turned around "Hi Dad!" He walked over and peeked into my pot. "Sterling?" I nodded "Yeah." He reached into the drawer I had opened and pulled out a spoon without even looking. "How long" I thought. "Two minutes?" He dipped the spoon into the boiling mixture and swirled the water around. "How bad was it?" "Pretty bad. I would leave it for two more." He nodded, and turned the heat a little higher, than grabbed a pan lid from a drawer and with one more stir, placed the lid on top and set a timer on the microwave. He came over next to me at the stovetop and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. We just stood there for a while. "So what is it?" "Um, it's a ring." He looked at me, smiling and teasing me "Which one?" I smiled, but my voice shrank "The one from Johnny." His smile faded, and he rubbed his hand up and down my arm, than kissed me on the top of my head. The timer on the microwave beeped and I walked over to turn in off. Dad spooned out the foil-wrapped ring and reached for a paper towel. Than he wrapped up the ring, set it on the counter, and poured the water in the sink, setting the pot in the dishwasher. He came back over and unwrapped the paper towel, than the foil, and wiped off the damp ring before running it under cold water from the faucet. He wiped it off again, and caught my hand, putting the ring on my left rig finger. "He loved you. He probably always will." He pulled me in close for a hug, and set his chin on my head. Once again we stood together in silence. My Dad gives the best hugs. Than he spoke again. "I talked to Niall the other day." I broke free from his hug and turned away, walking out of the kitchen. i didn't want to talk about Niall. I don't know why I accepted. "I can't go out with him." As I walked through the living room into the foyer, My Dad spoke softly to me. "You have to move on, sweetheart." A tear slid down my cheek. I always end up crying. I ran up the stairs into my room and jumped on my bed, pulling the covers over my head again. Some light shined through the blankets, and I looked down at my hands. The ring looked brand new, just like the day he gave it to me. I sighed deeply. My Dad's right though. I sat up in my bed, grabbed a tissue, and assumed my former position with my laptop, to continue my movie. I reached way over to my bedside table and opened the top drawer, grabbing my emergency bag of M&M's, and settling down for four more hours of peace. Who cares if I haven't eaten yet today. My phone vibrated besides me. It was Johnny. I slowly picked up my phone and read the text.
I Love You. But Goodbye. I will never forget you. But you have to forget me.
I typed my reply and hit send.
Never.
At that I threw my phone at the wall. It left a deep dent, and the screen shattered. Now my phone matches my heart. He promised forever.
Notes
Oh My Word. It has been forever since I could post.
So sorry!
But, Keep reading, Daisies!
@AyeeeBriii
Thank you so much!
8/15/14