I Don't Understand
A Thousand Years
Saturday, 7/04/09
It's nearly 5am on the fourth of July and I'm woken from my sleep by gentle rubbing up and down my arm. Harry had been sleeping sitting up against the wall, and I'm lying on the ground next to him, resting my head on my arms. but he's awake now, and so am I. I silently wonder why the hospital let us stay past visiting hours. Maybe it's just because this birth concerns us, too. "Love, it's time to get up. Lillian's been born and your Dad's in the delivery room. We can go meet the baby soon." I sigh, and sit up, as Dad comes out and wakes my sisters, than picks up the flowers and carries them in, gesturing for us to follow him. Harry decides to stay outside. We all crowd into the room, and I see Zoe Jean lying down in a hospital bed as doctors hover nearby emptying the water-birthing tub and double-checking her vitals. She looks about my size, with deep auburn wavy hair, and grayish-green eyes. Her pale freckled skin is even paler than it would usually be, but there's a glow in her cheeks and in her eyes that only a newborn baby brings. The midwife gestures for us to come closer, and I don't remember Mom saying we would ever meet the birth mother. Dad puts the flowers on her bedside table, and Zoe props herself up, and smiles at them, thanking Dad with no words. Than a tear rolls down her cheek as she asks to hold the baby. A nurse wraps up the baby and hands her to Zoe, who just sits there cooing at tiny Lillian for a while. Dad asks her if he can take her picture, and she says yes, than she combs out her hair with her fingers and wipes away her tears, sniffing and sitting up a little taller, smiling down at the tiny bundle in her arms as Dad snaps a memento of a moment I will never forget in my entire life. Dad keeps taking pictures as Zoe turns to my Mom and grabs her hand. "I trust you" She whispers. than she lets go of my Mom's hand and gently hands her tiny Lillian. Another tear rolls down Zoe Jean's face as she lets go of the baby and leans back again. She looks around the room, taking in each of our faces, and she smiles at me. "You remind me so of myself when I was a few years younger." She looks up, as if thinking, and sniffles a little bit. Than I realize I've been crying too. It's clear she loves this baby. I can feel how much letting go is hurting her. "I know I'm not ready for a baby" Her voice wavers "But you'll take good care of her, yeah? My tiny Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez." And with this she reaches over and caresses the cheek of the baby in Mom's arms. She smiles at me again, and than her face contorts with pain, and she yells loudly. Kenzie turns to me and hugs my legs. A group of doctors rush around her, loudly speaking instructions and observations to each other. A nurse takes the baby from Mom and rushes us out of the room. Zoe Jean's bed is rolled as fast as possible down the hall as Mom runs beside her holding her hand, and the apparatus beside her bed beeps loudly. I run into Harry's arms in the waiting room, than grab his hand and run down the hall dragging him behind me. A long run and a few flights of stairs later we reach the hospital chapel. I've never been one to pray, but I sit down in a pew and look up. Tears roll down my cheeks and I beg for this girl's life. Harry walks up to the front and lights a candle for Zoe Jean, than sits beside me and wraps me up in his arms. "She's going to make it. She's gonna make it." But somehow in my heart, I know she's already gone. I turn my face into Harry's chest and grasp a fistful of his shirt as I cry my heart out over Zoe Jean. I only knew her for a moment, but in that moment I shared her heart. I was determined to never forget. Never forget.
Zoe passed away at 5:30 am, on Indepedance day of 2009. But she lives on in our tiny blue-eyed redhead. Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez. Born at 4:48 am on Independence day, 18 inches long, and weighing 5 pounds, 4 ounces.
I'm sitting in a chair outside the hospital nursery, looking in at tiny Lillian. Mom and Dad talk to a man and sign more paperwork, Leigh and Kenzie laugh and play quietly by the wall, Harry has an arm wrapped around me, and Damian is talking to him in undertones. I think about Zoe Jean. She was only 19 years old. I don't know anything about her past, or what she anted for her future, or her family, or her personality. All I know is she was strong, she was brave, she was full of love and hope, and that she died for a reason the doctors still don't know. I watch a nurse bottle-feed Lillian, and wonder if our tiny flower knows. If she yearns for her mother already. I look over at Mom and Dad, they're still talking. Apparently Zoe's departure complicated things slightly. They have to contact Zoe's mother to get her consent and approval where we would have gotten Zoe's. A nurse arrives carrying a clipboard full of paper lists, facts, readings, and so on. Damian takes us downstairs for breakfast in the cafeteria, Mom and Dad stay upstairs.
While I wait in line, I raid Harry's contact list for phone numbers and put my own number in as "Bae", than laugh at my joke. I'm sure there's a girl out there that Harry really does put "Before Anybody Else", but it's not me. I wish I could convince myself I didn't have feelings for him. I use Harry's phone to take a selfie mocking the duckface with Harry in the background, completely unaware. I set this as my contact photo. Than I put his number in my phone as "Crazy Curlz" and laugh again. This time I point my camera at Harry and yell "Say cheese!" He spots the camera and sticks his tongue out, rolls his eyes back, and gives himself bunny ears. I laugh so hard I can barely take the picture. I set that as his contact photo and crack up again. I put a bunch of phone numbers into my phone from people I met at the party, ad hand his phone back. I didn't want to break his trust by pulling any mischief. Yet. I got pancakes and a sausage patty with orange juice for breakfast, and sat down between my two younger sisters. I spent the breakfast laughing away my tears.
We went back upstairs and my parents were talking with Zoe's Mother. It turns out she does't live far. She was crying, and so were my parents. The man passes Mrs. Jean some papers, and she reads over them. She writes down the necessary informations and signs her signature at the bottom of each one. I'm later told that they had her records checked, and everything talked over again before it was decided that there was a change of plans, and she could stay in Lillian's life. Mom and Dad sign a few more papers, and we're led into the nursery. Harry stays outside again. A male nurse hands Mom the tiny baby and we all just look at her for a while. She's beautiful. i can't help smiling. I look over to the windows and share a smile with Harry. Woah... how have I not noticed his dimples... "Would You like to name your daughter now, Ma'am?" Mom smiled up at the man "Her name is Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez." And she told him how to spell it. Half an hour later Dad was holding Lillian and bootle-feeding her when Mom was given a file that held the rest of the legal work, adoption certificate, and birth certificate for Lillian, They punched hospital bracelets onto Mom and Dad's arms that matched Lillian's, and we were told we could check out. Dad put Lillian in the carseat and we all walked downstairs to the front desk where Mom and Dad checked out.
I spent the drive home sleeping on Harry's shoulder. The rest of the day was spent in beautiful peace as we set up the house to be a home for our tiny Flower.
It's nearly 5am on the fourth of July and I'm woken from my sleep by gentle rubbing up and down my arm. Harry had been sleeping sitting up against the wall, and I'm lying on the ground next to him, resting my head on my arms. but he's awake now, and so am I. I silently wonder why the hospital let us stay past visiting hours. Maybe it's just because this birth concerns us, too. "Love, it's time to get up. Lillian's been born and your Dad's in the delivery room. We can go meet the baby soon." I sigh, and sit up, as Dad comes out and wakes my sisters, than picks up the flowers and carries them in, gesturing for us to follow him. Harry decides to stay outside. We all crowd into the room, and I see Zoe Jean lying down in a hospital bed as doctors hover nearby emptying the water-birthing tub and double-checking her vitals. She looks about my size, with deep auburn wavy hair, and grayish-green eyes. Her pale freckled skin is even paler than it would usually be, but there's a glow in her cheeks and in her eyes that only a newborn baby brings. The midwife gestures for us to come closer, and I don't remember Mom saying we would ever meet the birth mother. Dad puts the flowers on her bedside table, and Zoe props herself up, and smiles at them, thanking Dad with no words. Than a tear rolls down her cheek as she asks to hold the baby. A nurse wraps up the baby and hands her to Zoe, who just sits there cooing at tiny Lillian for a while. Dad asks her if he can take her picture, and she says yes, than she combs out her hair with her fingers and wipes away her tears, sniffing and sitting up a little taller, smiling down at the tiny bundle in her arms as Dad snaps a memento of a moment I will never forget in my entire life. Dad keeps taking pictures as Zoe turns to my Mom and grabs her hand. "I trust you" She whispers. than she lets go of my Mom's hand and gently hands her tiny Lillian. Another tear rolls down Zoe Jean's face as she lets go of the baby and leans back again. She looks around the room, taking in each of our faces, and she smiles at me. "You remind me so of myself when I was a few years younger." She looks up, as if thinking, and sniffles a little bit. Than I realize I've been crying too. It's clear she loves this baby. I can feel how much letting go is hurting her. "I know I'm not ready for a baby" Her voice wavers "But you'll take good care of her, yeah? My tiny Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez." And with this she reaches over and caresses the cheek of the baby in Mom's arms. She smiles at me again, and than her face contorts with pain, and she yells loudly. Kenzie turns to me and hugs my legs. A group of doctors rush around her, loudly speaking instructions and observations to each other. A nurse takes the baby from Mom and rushes us out of the room. Zoe Jean's bed is rolled as fast as possible down the hall as Mom runs beside her holding her hand, and the apparatus beside her bed beeps loudly. I run into Harry's arms in the waiting room, than grab his hand and run down the hall dragging him behind me. A long run and a few flights of stairs later we reach the hospital chapel. I've never been one to pray, but I sit down in a pew and look up. Tears roll down my cheeks and I beg for this girl's life. Harry walks up to the front and lights a candle for Zoe Jean, than sits beside me and wraps me up in his arms. "She's going to make it. She's gonna make it." But somehow in my heart, I know she's already gone. I turn my face into Harry's chest and grasp a fistful of his shirt as I cry my heart out over Zoe Jean. I only knew her for a moment, but in that moment I shared her heart. I was determined to never forget. Never forget.
Zoe passed away at 5:30 am, on Indepedance day of 2009. But she lives on in our tiny blue-eyed redhead. Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez. Born at 4:48 am on Independence day, 18 inches long, and weighing 5 pounds, 4 ounces.
I'm sitting in a chair outside the hospital nursery, looking in at tiny Lillian. Mom and Dad talk to a man and sign more paperwork, Leigh and Kenzie laugh and play quietly by the wall, Harry has an arm wrapped around me, and Damian is talking to him in undertones. I think about Zoe Jean. She was only 19 years old. I don't know anything about her past, or what she anted for her future, or her family, or her personality. All I know is she was strong, she was brave, she was full of love and hope, and that she died for a reason the doctors still don't know. I watch a nurse bottle-feed Lillian, and wonder if our tiny flower knows. If she yearns for her mother already. I look over at Mom and Dad, they're still talking. Apparently Zoe's departure complicated things slightly. They have to contact Zoe's mother to get her consent and approval where we would have gotten Zoe's. A nurse arrives carrying a clipboard full of paper lists, facts, readings, and so on. Damian takes us downstairs for breakfast in the cafeteria, Mom and Dad stay upstairs.
While I wait in line, I raid Harry's contact list for phone numbers and put my own number in as "Bae", than laugh at my joke. I'm sure there's a girl out there that Harry really does put "Before Anybody Else", but it's not me. I wish I could convince myself I didn't have feelings for him. I use Harry's phone to take a selfie mocking the duckface with Harry in the background, completely unaware. I set this as my contact photo. Than I put his number in my phone as "Crazy Curlz" and laugh again. This time I point my camera at Harry and yell "Say cheese!" He spots the camera and sticks his tongue out, rolls his eyes back, and gives himself bunny ears. I laugh so hard I can barely take the picture. I set that as his contact photo and crack up again. I put a bunch of phone numbers into my phone from people I met at the party, ad hand his phone back. I didn't want to break his trust by pulling any mischief. Yet. I got pancakes and a sausage patty with orange juice for breakfast, and sat down between my two younger sisters. I spent the breakfast laughing away my tears.
We went back upstairs and my parents were talking with Zoe's Mother. It turns out she does't live far. She was crying, and so were my parents. The man passes Mrs. Jean some papers, and she reads over them. She writes down the necessary informations and signs her signature at the bottom of each one. I'm later told that they had her records checked, and everything talked over again before it was decided that there was a change of plans, and she could stay in Lillian's life. Mom and Dad sign a few more papers, and we're led into the nursery. Harry stays outside again. A male nurse hands Mom the tiny baby and we all just look at her for a while. She's beautiful. i can't help smiling. I look over to the windows and share a smile with Harry. Woah... how have I not noticed his dimples... "Would You like to name your daughter now, Ma'am?" Mom smiled up at the man "Her name is Lillian Zoe Jean Cortez." And she told him how to spell it. Half an hour later Dad was holding Lillian and bootle-feeding her when Mom was given a file that held the rest of the legal work, adoption certificate, and birth certificate for Lillian, They punched hospital bracelets onto Mom and Dad's arms that matched Lillian's, and we were told we could check out. Dad put Lillian in the carseat and we all walked downstairs to the front desk where Mom and Dad checked out.
I spent the drive home sleeping on Harry's shoulder. The rest of the day was spent in beautiful peace as we set up the house to be a home for our tiny Flower.
Notes
I love it! I'm in tears.
Keep reading, Daisies!
@AyeeeBriii
Thank you so much!
8/15/14