Rage

I follow behind him frantically with the constant feeling that at any moment we’ll be in deep trouble.

Ally:
“Harry,”
I whisper though it no one else seems to be around. I wasn’t entirely sure of the location but I was certain that this was a form of trespassing. I try to catch up, taking note of all of the signs we’ve bypasses that informs of warnings.

Harry:
“Just come on,”
He seems to know where he’s going but I’ve lost track of the route back after the first few turns. It’s pretty late now and I’m spending yet another night with the person I’m gravitationally drawn to. We pass the last door which for some reason isn’t locked, and immediately I’m caught in how close we are to the sky. I gasp at the moon and how stunning it is tonight with the stars in its backset. I feel his arms around me from behind and his chin nuzzled in the crook of my neck.

Ally:
“Oh my god, it’s amazing Harry.”

I say in awe of the situation. The dark sky was the perfect contrast to the shapes cut out of it. I’m attracted to the idea of him knowing where this place is and I realize now that this was so worth those millionaire stairs and dark hallways we took on the way up. The air is fresh and the night chill is crisp and bitter. We were on a rooftop of some building I’m sure I wasn’t familiar with. The area was completely clear except for us and upon looking down the fear had set in.

Ally:
“Holy shit, how far are we up?”

I feel myself grab at him a little closer as the wind blows gently at my hair. He seems to find humor in this and the laughter falls into the air and disappears into the distant.

Harry:
“I’ve got you. Just relax.”

He’s rubbing at my hands, causing kinetic energy to take effect and keep them warm. His grip is a little tighter and I allow his scent to bath me. It’s quiet for awhile until a thought strikes him.

Harry:
“…I’ve never brought anyone up here. I’m glad you like it.”

I’m turned around and our lips embrace one another. My body sends me signals of satisfaction as he keeps me so dominantly pressed to his frame. Jesus, I love this guy.

Harry:
“We need to talk…I may have done something- bad.”

And suddenly the signals were shut off. I had this awful habit of mentally pulling myself away anytime I heard things like this and immediately thinking the worst. I looked away and over the town of houses and people too small to identify up here.

Ally:
“What’s that?”

I didn’t know why I wanted to pull away so bad but I could tell my heart was protecting itself. My ears waited and though it was great we were communicating, I didn’t know if I wanted whatever was coming next.

Harry:
“Stop, it’s nothing like that.”

His fingers gently tug my face to pull eye contact back to him.

Ally:
“Like what?”

Harry:
“No girls.”
I exhale a bit, and link our fingers back together.

Ally:
“It had better not be…now, what did you do?”

Harry:
“I may have …taken a drink the other day…”

Ally:
“What? Why?”

And suddenly I’m feeling that wall again. I realized my tone was really defensive but didn’t much care.

Harry:
“It was that party I told you about the other night… I want to say my friends are assholes for encouraging it, but really I just should have left…It was my fault.”

I refrained from commenting for a second.

Harry:
“It was just kind of weird to be the only one sober…stupid, I know. I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t see the memories my brain takes me to but I’m sure they reflect on my face. I try focusing away from it so that it doesn’t. It helps when my phone buzzes around in my pocket, taking our attention. I check it rather than just ignore it as I usually would during our talks.

I see that it’s from Lori just telling me to get home, likely nothing but I’ll take it.

Ally:
“I should get home now…”

His expression tells me he doesn’t like the sound of ending our night early…or maybe he’s just use to me spending most nights at his place.

Ally:
“Lori needs to talk to me about something.”

I finish so that thought isn’t left in the air.

Harry:
“I won’t do it again, Ally. Don’t be mad. It was just a few sips.”

Yea, that was how it always started… The bruises and yelling fits of rage…just a few sips… and then a few more and I have a sore ribcage.

Ally:
“I’m not mad…we should probably get going though.”

I removed all contact and continued toward where we’d come giving the sky one last glance…such a beautiful night, right?

He walked me to the door quietly while I mentally counted backwards from ten for odd reasons. I turned toward him trying to ignore the emotions just telling me to leave this situation alone and move on with my life. Weird how extreme the contrast was for the second half of the night.

Harry:
“Will I see you tomorrow?”

He made the decision to move a little closer to fill the gap I’d strategically made.

Ally:
“I don’t know. I’ll be pretty busy with work and-“

He looks down, clearly unreceptive of the answer. I don’t know whether to finish my statement of just let it linger there, being that we both knew why I was so busy tomorrow. He moves in for the kiss and though I let it happen it’s nothing like before. He notices as well.

Harry:
“Call me tonight when you’re done with Lori. I’ll be expecting it.”

And he’s heading back down toward the car. It didn’t sound like I had much of choice but we’d see how I felt after a long shower. I headed in the house quickly just wanting to clear my head a little, when I’m met with Lori. She’s seated on the living room chair seemingly waiting for my return, and nothing about her demeanor tells me I’ll like this conversation.

Lori:
“You’ve done it this time.”

I sense the attitude as she stands and moves toward me.

Lori:
“And don’t think I’m keeping this one from mom.”

Ally:
“What are you talking about?”

My mind races quickly but I can’t think of any lies, or anything else I could have done lately. Her tone alarms me a bit and I’m more curious than anything at this point.

Lori:
“Don’t even do that with me Allison. I saw the test in the garbage.”

Ally:
“Test?”

Lori:
“The pregnancy test, Ally.”

And suddenly I feel like I’ve been placed in the Twilight Zone.

Ally:
“Okay. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

Lori:
“How can you still lie about it, we’re the only people that live in this house. I’m your sister, and I know you may think I’m not too fond of Harry but-“

Ally:
“No, I said it’s not mine. Ask one of the hundred friends you invite over during the week.”

Lori:
“Don’t even try that. I’ve already asked all of them...”

Her arms are folded and she’s looking at me the way mom does when I’ve struck a nerve. I honestly don’t know what else to say to her because English doesn’t seem to be a first language today.

Lori:
“Ally, how could you let this happen? With him of all people, I mean he’s barely over using you as his punching bag.”

It wasn’t that I felt attacked…or even that she’d been accusing me of something so farfetched. I felt myself grow completely numb when those particular words had left the roll of her tongue. I didn’t want to cry but with this and Harry’s bad news tonight I just needed to escape the both of them. She was such an asshole for this and I wasn’t sure I’d forgive her once she’d realized it. All I could hear now was her voice’s vibration; the words however were lost as my brain turned to mush. I grabbed my keys from the table by the door and welcomed the cold with enthusiasm. I wasn’t entirely sure where the hell I’d go now but with my wallet I could burn all the gas it took to figure that out.

The only thing keeping me from heading for the bar was both the fact that I was my driver tonight and how disgusted I’d been with Harry for being so weak to it. I just sat back comfortable listening to the rhythm of the road beneath the tires without the nag of music from the radio. All I could think about was if the situation was reversed…I mean, despite me being the youngest I don’t think I’d ever react that way if she shared something so personal with me. Things were forced into perspective now, just knowing how things would be if that ever were the case for me. It hurt my feelings a little to know that I’d been completely honest with her and she refused to hear it. I didn’t know if there was where I should be anymore with the arguments we’d been finding ourselves in lately. Maybe I’d just make it my priority to find my own place…it’d probably be best anyways though mom would probably disapprove.

I nearly swerved when the buzzing began abruptly above my thoughts. Of course it was him…I let it ring, trailing back to the thought that maybe a shot or two wouldn’t hurt too much. The phone continued again as I change route and slowed with the stop light. Sigh.

Ally:
“Yea,”

Harry:
“…Didn’t think you’d answer me…I know I messed up.”

Ally:
“Don’t worry about it.”

Harry:
“I do because I know I disappointed you. But stop pulling away from me. I don’t like it.”

His voice is calming, filling the car from the speaker.

Ally:
“How am I pulling away, Harry? I was just with you tonight.”

I speak calmly as I pull into the parking lot of the bar and shift the gear into park.

Harry:
“You don’t even want to see me now.”

Ally:
“I told you I was busy, which I am by the way.”

Harry:
“And when has that ever stopped us from seeing each other?”

I sigh again, taking the point and coming to terms with it.

Harry:
“…Lori called me tonight. You want to discuss that? “

And now it was official, I was definitely moving out in a few months tops.

Ally:
“Ugh. She’s such a bitch sometimes, I swear. Just disregard anything she said to you. Please.”

Harry:
“…Should I? Why am I hearing this from her and not you?”

To be honest I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself again. This entire day was just one that shouldn’t have happened.

Ally:
“You know what, I’m just going to go okay.”

Harry:
“See, you’re doing it again. Just talk to me.”

Ally:
“Listen okay. I know you probably thought it was just an excuse to leave you but she really wanted to talk, alright. I got in the house and she starts drilling me about some pregnancy test she found somewhere. I have no idea what she’s talking about and I try telling her that but she completely ignored me. She just kept going with the insults so I left, and now I’m parked outside of the bar. No, I haven’t gone in.”
I hoped that he’d collected that all because I wasn’t going to repeat any of it. He’s taking his time with responding but granted it’s a lot to process.

Harry:
“That’s something I would hope you’d feel comfortable with telling me about…”

Ally:
“So you don’t believe me either? I’ve been to the doctor’s okay and I can’t even have kids. She would know that if she wasn’t such a psycho. I never tell her anything.”

And I regret that as soon as it leaves me. I reach to hold my forehead for balance as everything mellows around me.

Notes