Rage

It had been awhile since the last time I’d been here at his place. My eyes stare blankly around the room and I can’t seem to get over how neat he has it now. He’s fidgeting around while I sit here and I can tell his mind is buzzing of things he hasn’t yet said out loud. I took notice of the alcohol bottles I didn’t see and how different this Harry was becoming.

Harry:
“You okay?”

He asks while pulling out a cigarette and placing it to his lips. It’s lit and he pushes upward at his hair before again showing me his eyes.

Ally:
“Yea…They’re helping huh?”

He’s nodding and I’m processing how attractive he is tonight. It was weird how I could feel all the symptoms of having a crush when he was basically mine already. He’s blowing the smoke in the opposite direction of me and peers downward at his phone that’s just vibrated.

Harry:
“…only problem is it’s another habit.”

He’s up and removing his jacket while making his way across the room. The buzz of his phone is again ignored before a rapping occurs on the front door. He takes a deep breath before moving toward the exit of the room.

Harry:
“I’ll be back in a second.”

I don’t question or move from my spot but I’m not confident about who it could be. I wonder if he’ll mention it with his return or if he’ll leave it to me to pry about. I see him soon after.

Harry:
“Hungry?”

Ally:
“No, I’m alright.”

Harry:
“Cold? I can turn the heat up.”

Ally:
“Harry.”

I can see that it’s a bit strange having me here because I hadn’t been for awhile. I wondered if I’d been keeping him from anything.

Ally:
“I can go if you’d like.”

Harry:
“…No.”

He blows the smoke from his lips before sitting in the space next to me on the couch.

Harry:
“I’m just use to being at least buzzed around you, so I’m adjusting.”


Another puff is taken and I can tell he’s doing a lot of thinking again. His place is warm like he is and the scent of him swarms the room. I’m enjoying the sight of him right now and I’m sure he knows it.

Ally:
“Can I have one?”

I’m motioning for the cigarettes and immediately his head is shaking as he puts out the bud of his own on the ashtray against the table.

Harry:
“No Allison.”

I didn’t know why I expected otherwise and in a way I guess I kind of didn’t. He removed his shirt after turning on the television and handing me the remote. A gesture was made and I’d gotten up for him to stretch out. I stare down at him and his arms are held out for me. I give him a smile once his dimples are flashed and I’m surprised he doesn’t mind the closeness. I lay into him and instantly feel the comfort consume me. My head rises and falls with his chest and I’m hypnotized in his hygiene. My eyes are closed to realm in the moment as the sound of rain begins to give mood to the room around us. I’m melting as his fingers trace around in my scalp. I couldn’t believe how affectionate of a person he was being…but maybe it was the way he’d always been without his bottle. Our legs are intertwined and I’m surprised that I’m even here tonight. I start to feel bad when I think of Alex and the entire situation that took place almost a week ago. I hope that he doesn’t secretly still hate me for it.

Harry:
“What are you thinking?”

His voice is deep and smooth as the vibration hums against my head from his chest. I’m aware of him locking our fingers in that moment and all I want to do is feel his lips to mine. I don’t do it. I don’t want to push him because we’re obviously in a weird space…I wonder if it’s just me.

Ally:
“…I like this.”

I don’t look up but I can tell that he smiles with the comment.

Harry:
“Me too.”

--

It’s likely around three in the morning now. I’m blinking my eyes to release myself of the fatigue. We’re still connected against his comfortable living room chair and it’s a lot darker than it was before. I lift my head a little and his fingers are still tangled there in my hair. He’s not asleep but looking back at me adorably.

Ally:
“I’m sorry. You’re probably numb. I’ll move.”

I restrict my hair behind my ear and proceed in lifting my body from his. My waist is caught in opposition and we stare there for a moment. He doesn’t say anything but I already know what he’s thinking. I pulled gently back to him and our foreheads are pressed together.

His hands trail my jeans and I fall into the kiss I’ve been dying for. God, there’s a slow hunger between us as his touch is hot to my own. It’s still raining because the pattering could be heard against the windows and roof of the place. The motions of our lips are slow and I feel the bugle of him against me. I forgot how in a haze he makes my body feel when we’re together. It’s impossible to focus on anything but where his lips are…his hands. I could care less about the problems in my life because they’re about to go numb for a little while. And then it stops. I feel alarmed when he pulls away and gentle shoves at my body to create distance. I pull back and he sits up straight, placing his feet to the floor. His head is buried in his hands and a deep breath seems to level whatever mental scuffle he has going on right now. I don’t say anything because I’m not sure what could be said. I knew it was what I’d done because this was a first for us. A sharp pain carved itself in my chest slowly while I waited for him to look my way. He didn’t.

Harry:
“I’m sorry.”

The pain grew the longer I sat there watching him.

Harry:
“I just-“

Ally:
“No. Um... It’s fine, really- I should probably go anyways- I have work at six so…”

I gathered my things quickly hoping he wouldn’t object. Because really I didn’t have to work at all for the following week. I knew I should have left earlier because something told me we weren’t yet ready for this affectionate stuff.

Harry:
“Allison.”

Allison:
“I’ll see you, Harry.”

And I’d grabbed the doorknob and walked out until the pouring rain.

--

I locked the door myself and instantly began peeling off the top layer of clothing that had just gotten drenched. That pain was still alive in my chest and I knew there was no way I’d be getting to back to sleep. I threw the dampened fabric in a pile by the door and made my way to the kitchen for the freezer. The tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream was pulled from it and a spoon taken from the rack as my hair hung damp around me. The truth was that I needed a drink right now but I would shove the urge away as far as I could. I had no choice but to feel like a bad person because I sort of was. This was all my fault and maybe I needed that therapist now more than ever. I dipped the silver into the cold ice cream and fed my feelings without shame. I hoped Lori didn’t have any guys in the house now because I was stripped down to my bra and underwear. I sat at the counter taping my fingers to it to avoid replaying the events of what just happened with us. The contents of the spoon chilled my mouth and I became a tad startled when my phone sounded against the countertop. Of course I knew who it was.

Ally:
“Yea.”

Harry:
“I’m so sorry Ally.”

Ally:
“Don’t worry about it, okay.”

Harry:
“I didn’t want you to just leave like that.”

But how did you stay after rejection that way?

I stayed quiet, taking another dip of the ice cream and walking toward the thermostat to turn up the heat.

Ally:
“I’m fine, I swear.”

Which was probably the wrong thing to say after a lie, but granted my fingers were crossed. I turned on my heals when the doorbell sounded, drawing an echo throughout the house.

Ally:
“Dammit.”

I mumbled given I had next to nothing on but decided to peek really quickly before running up to get clothes. I sighed hanging up the phone and pulling the door quickly but he had already fallen victim to the weather.

Ally:
“What are you doing here Harry, I told you I was fine.”

He pulled off layers of clothing as I had and threw them next to mine. I closed the door but was immediately backed up against it with my legs pulled up and wrapped around his torso. I accepted his tongue with confusion though he acted so quickly. I heard the zipper of his pants as he sucked intensely at my neck.

Ally:
“Wait. Lori’s upstairs.”

Harry:
“There’s no way she’s up.”

Watching him rip the condom with his teeth was something that never seemed to get old. I felt the heat of him as he held me against the door and all at once I melted with pleasure.

--

Ally:
“You’re buying me more ice cream by the way.”

I canned the melted tub, reminiscing on how happy it’d made me a little over an hour ago.

Harry:
“You told me you didn’t like ice cream.”

I looked up from the sink where I’d started the dishes to give him my attention.

Ally:
“I told you I didn’t eat it. Everyone likes ice cream.”

Harry:
“I’m confused.”

I smile at his lack of knowing and continue with the dishes.

Ally:
“Girls eat ice cream when they’re emotional or on their period or something. It’s just something to have in the frig just in case.”

He was quiet for awhile after my statement and I realized it may have been because I had shared too much.

Harry:
“…I’ll try not to hurt your feelings again…”

Notes