Carmen's POV

Fighting with two of five boys that live in this house yet here I am on the front porch of their house. It's the last place I'd like to be right now, but I have shit here and I need to get it because one of those things is my phone. I tried to go without it, figuring Harry would bring it to school and I wouldn't have to do this, but apparently he didn't realize. Or he's being an ass and not taking it to me knowing I'll come get it eventually. Realistically, I could go longer without it. But if I missed a call from my Dad I would be devastated.

"Fuck," I mutter, knocking on the door. I hope it's Zayn or Louis or Niall. Any of them will do.

But the universe hates me.

Liam opens the door. Of course Liam opens the door.

"What are you doing here?"

"I left some stuff here," I tell him.

"Okay."

He doesn't move or anything so we just stand there awkwardly for a minute. Apparently I missed the time when he got so petty and immature.

"So can I get my shit?" I ask. He rolls his eyes and walks away from the door completely. I close it quietly and scan the room to see if any of the boys are here. Of course, they aren't. The stairs look daunting as I stand at the base, and when I start to climb them I get a nervous stutter in my chest. Harry's door is open when I get to the top, but he doesn't seem to be there. Cautious steps bring me inside and I breathe a small sigh of relief when it is, in fact, empty.

I start gathering up my stuff into my backpack; I hadn't realized I'd left so much here. I guess for the party I figured I'd be staying here and I sort of forgot about it when I left after my little fight with Harry. Which came from nowhere. He's so annoying sometimes. Who does he think he is? Telling me not to spend time with someone or even talk to them. It's ridiculous. And completely uncalled for. He doesn't have the right, not when he's the one who's actually been on a date with someone else.

He went on a fucking date with someone else.

The clothes in my hands drop to the floor and suddenly I get a heavy feeling in the middle of my chest. It's almost as if all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. He says he didn't know what it was but he...he did, he went on a date. Maybe I did encourage him to do that and maybe we are broken up but now it feels...not that good.

What are we doing? Whatever this thing is between Harry and I, it's not healthy. We're not together but we're acting like we are. Why would he even ask me not to talk to Travis? It's not like I ever wanted to go out with him. Harry has to know by now that I'm not interested in anyone else, but for some reason he still has to do things like this. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes sense. It makes my brain hurt.

This could be so much simpler. My life used to be just that: simple. And now there's Harry and everything is different. But I'm not sure if it's a bad thing or not.

My phone is attached to Harry's charger when I find it, which is weird because I definitely don't remember putting it there. It makes me smile a little; even though it's not that big of a deal, it still shows that cute side of him that cares. Sometimes I don't get it. The only person who's ever showed this much interest in my life or concern for me is my father and my grandparents.

"What are you doing?"

I whip around at the sound of Harry's voice, and consequently my phone goes flying out of my hand and when I bend down to get it I hit my head on the wall.

"Ow," I grumble, my hand against my forehead.

"You okay?" I can hear in his voice that he's trying not to laugh at me.

"Yeah, sorry. I just came to get my stuff."

He nods and I pick up my phone again, tugging it away from the cord. Harry stays leaning against the doorframe while I gather up the rest of my things and apparently I'm suddenly the most clumsy person in the world, because everything keeps falling out.

"Your mother called your phone," he tells me.

"She did?" He nods. "Okay. Thanks."

"Yeah."

After a minute I realize we've just been staring at each other so I awkwardly adjust the strap of my bag. He stands up and turns one way to make some space in the doorway.

"Okay then," I remark. I slide past him and start walking down the stairs.

"So you're leaving?"

I didn't even hear him following me. "I guess."

He nods and his hands rests in his pockets, as usual. Why does this boy always make me hesitate? When he doesn't say anything else I turn around and leave the house. When I'm out on the front porch I feel like I can finally breathe again.

---

"Carmen?"

"Shit." I turn around and plaster on a fake smile. "Travis. Hey."

He grins and stops in front of me, a little too close for my liking. "Hey, how's it going?"

"Fine. You?"

He nods. "Pretty good. Saturday was fun."

"That was the goal."

I turn and keep looking through the stack in the library. I know Travis is following me. I don't want him to follow me. And suddenly I feel like I need to be quiet so no one hears me. And I really hope Harry doesn't come in here. I haven't seen him since I was at his house to get my things the other day and this isn't exactly the reunion I planned.

"So, do you do that often?"

You're reaching, Travis. "Do what?"

"Throw parties like that," he clarifies. I find the author I wanted and stop without looking at him.

"Not really." I shrug and glance at him.

"Okay. Listen, I wanted to ask you something."

Fuck. "Okay."

I look up at him and he leans his shoulder against the shelves. Fuck my life. I don't want to deal with this right now. Not counting the small non-conversation at his house the other day, I haven't spoken to Harry in almost a week and it's getting to me. I don't have patience for this.

"Since you and Harry aren't a thing, I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner or something," he says smoothly. He's done this a thousand other times if I had to guess.

"Oh." I turn back to the shelf and reach for the book that I need. "I don't know."

"Thank about it," he says. He stands up and starts walking backwards. "Let me know."

"I don't-" he turns a corner and I sigh a little, leaning forward and hitting my head against the books. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. This isn't what I wanted. I don't want to go out with him at all, so why didn't I just say that?

By the time I get home later it's already dark and it seems colder than normal. Suddenly it's like all of my professors want to kill me. Midterms to study for and assignments coming out of my ears. Plus, volleyball is even more intense right now. we're in playoffs and we're worried now that we're not even going to make final four. Which is what was supposed to happen.

All I do is homework these days and it's annoying. It's even more annoying that I actually miss Harry, even though he was an absolute asshole to me. Why do I feel like I have to apologize to him? I didn't even do anything. He's the one who was wrong. I think. I don't know, I was probably more difficult than I needed to be about the whole thing, but when you grow up with no rules and no one telling you what to do it's hard to adjust. Plus, Harry has good intentions. Maybe it didn't come out that way, but I know that's what it was. Even still, he was the one who started the whole thing so if anyone is going to start apologizing it definitely isn't going to be me.

I really just want to talk to my Dad. We've never talked about boys and stuff because, well, there never was any. But now that Harry and I are...whatever we are, I feel like he could help e because he always does. Even venting to him would help more than doing that with one of my friends. Talking to my Dad is just different and I miss it. I miss him so much.

Suddenly my bedroom door bursts open and I jump up out of my chair. Harry stands with his hands on his hips, eyes bright green with an angry expression on his face.

"Harry? What-"

"So this is how you want to do this?" he spits.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Carmen."

"Harry, what are you talking about?" I ask. As I step closer to him he holds out a hand. "What's wrong?"

"I know I pissed you off and I know I'm an asshole, but is this really how you want to get back at me?" he asks. He shakes his head.

"Get back at you?"

"Stop! Just stop, okay? This is so....fuck, I don't even know." He pushes both hands over his hair. "I'm done."

"Done?" I repeat. He backs out of the room and I follow him towards the door. "What does that mean, done?"

"All the drama and the jealousy and all of this shit," he grumbles. He swings open the door. "I'm just done."

"What?" I breathe. He steps outside and I follow him, despite the thin leggings and tshirt. "Harry, wait!"

"No!" Despite that he spins around to face me. "This is ridiculous, Carmen. I'm sick of it."

"What the hell did I do? Why are you so mad?"

"Travis!" he shouts. My mouth drops open and he sighs. "I know you're going out with him."

"I'm what?"

"He called me to make sure there wouldn't be hard feelings," he says sourly. He turns and starts walking away again.

"Harry!" I jog for a few steps to try to catch up with him. "Harry, would you hold on for a second."

"I'd rather not."

"Harry." I put my hand on his arm. "Please, just stop."

"Carmen, this is getting so tiring. All the back and forth and wondering what's going to happen to us. I care about you too damn much to do this. I feel like I'm going insane and the thought of you going out with another guy makes me want to break something."

"But if you would just listen-"

"Am I crazy?" he asks, spinning around suddenly. "Is it insane for me to think that this could actually work? I mean, fuck, I feel like I'm in love with someone that's always just out of my reach."

"No, you're not. I want this to-"

"You don't," he spits. He turns around again and when I start to follow he turns towards me again, almost knocking me backwards. "Why do you want to hurt me?"

"I don't!" I exclaim. "Today was-"

"Is it to get back at me for Nicole? For what I said? I don't get it. I really don't, Carmen. As soon as I feel like we're getting somewhere of course it all has to get shot to shit."

"Would you just shut up for a second!" I shout. He blinks a few times in surprise and I let out a huff, my breath visible in the cold night air. "You're so annoying sometimes."

"Thanks, that's really-"

"I told you to shut up," I repeat, stepping closer to him. He doesn't move or look away from me when I take his face in my hands. "Listen to me."

"Fine," he says quietly.

"I'm not going out with him."

"What?" The sudden change in his expression from mad to broken makes me want to cry.

"I don't know why Travis called you, but I'm not going out with him." He stares at me with uncertainty in his eyes but doesn't respond. "I don't want to go out with him, I told you that."

He stays silent for a minute and my ice cold thumbs run slowly over his cheekbones. His chest is rising and falling rapidly and I'm fucking freezing but apparently this is what I have to do. He looks so broken...I hate thinking that I'm the one that did that. He doesn't deserve it. Especially over something so ridiculous.

"He did ask me out today," I explain. "He didn't give me a chance to answer him, but I'm not going. I never wanted to go."

His pupils dance back and forth between my eyes and he wraps his hands around my wrists. There's desperation in his expressions, plain and clear, and I know he wants to believe me. I can see a flash of regret and maybe some sadness for everything he just said, or really yelled at me.

"I'm not going." At this final statement his eyes fall closed and I wrap my arms around his neck. Harry holds me so tight against his body that he might break me and his face hides against my neck. Hot puffs of his breath caress my neck and goosebumps raise for a whole other reason besides the cold. Slowly I filter one set of my fingers through his hair to try to comfort him. How can I possibly stay mad at this boy?

Notes

aw.

anyone catch it?? anyone??