Carmen's POV

How am I supposed to explain this? I thought my mother was dead, apparently not. Or maybe, she's dead to me so I figured I would just tell you she was actually dead. Or maybe I could just say that I forgot she didn't die. But Harry isn't stupid, and by the look on his face right now I know that he's going to require some sort of explanation.

"I'm sorry," I whimper finally. I didn't mean to lie to him, I really didn't. It just came out because I wasn't really sure what else to say.

"What?" He puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls me against him. "Baby, I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?" I feel him shake his head a little and my body relaxes. "But I lied."

"You did. Why?"

Why. Why is a complicated question in most situations, but in this one it's as complicated as why does the universe exist. There are so many things wrong with my mother, and so many things I have never ever talked about, not even with my father. It hurts both of us too much and I just can't handle it. I want to say that I'm strong enough, but I'm just not and it sucks.

"Come on." I take his hand and pull him to my bedroom, turning all the lights off along the way. When I pull the blankets back on my bed and sit on the far side, I realize Harry is in his nice clothes still, and the only way he's getting out of them is if he's almost naked. He stands there for a moment, just waiting. He's nervous. I stand on my knees, crawling over to him and tugging him to the edge of the bed, pushing his jacket from his shoulders so it falls to the floor and unbuckling his belt and jeans.

"I can sleep in them," he mutters. He clears his throat and it makes me smile that he's so nervous. "If you want. I don't mind."

"You can't sleep in jeans," I respond simply. He puts his hands on mine and for an instant I'm scared he's going to reject me and leave, but he pulls off his t-shirt instead and then pulls his jeans from his legs. This is the first time- other than when we slept together- that I've seen him this bare, and it makes my heart race and my legs feel like jello. When I lay down I remove the boxers I had on, Harry flicking off my light and pulling the cold blankets over both our bodies. Honestly, I don't want to be wearing this sweater right now, but it's freezing and it's necessary.

Harry lays on his side next to me, and I decide to do the same so we're facing each other. He shuffles a little closer and it makes me smile.

"So she's alive," he says quietly. I can't help but laugh a little; the way he says it makes it sound like some sort of miracle.

"Yeah."

"Why'd you tell me she wasn't?"

"It was much simpler than the truth." I take a deep breath and his hand finds mine under the duvet. "She's not in my life. Not at all."

"Why?"

"Because she didn't want to be," I admit, looking away down at the covers. "My Dad being gone so much was too hard for her. She couldn't handle it or being my mother so she left. She dropped me at my grandmother's house and took off and we never heard from her after that."

"Shit," he mutters. He moves closer again so our bodies are pressed together, his arm around my waist. My leg automatically hooks around his and I'm grateful for the comfort and for the extra body heat.

"I never heard from her," I continue. "Not even at Christmas or my birthday. She just disappeared. I don't remember her much anymore, I was only five when she left, but I remember some things."

"So why is she calling you?"

"That's the second time she's tried." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "She called here once, but I had her number blocked. I guess somehow she found my cell phone number."

"Do you know what she wants?"

"Does it matter? She's got a whole other life now, a family and a husband and a house in the suburbs and I don't want any part of it. I've done fine without her until now, I don't need her anymore. I needed her when my Dad left me and when I was in high school or when I got my period for the first time, not now when I'm an adult and it makes me so mad that she thinks she can just show up after all this time and-"

"Shh, it's okay," Harry says soothingly, running his hand up and down my back slowly. I try to control my breathing and the tears threatening to fall. She won't get that from me, I won't let her have any kind of power over my emotions. The only thing I have left is the idea of her, and even that I wish I could erase completely. There's no telling what she wants, but if it's to have a relationship with me after fourteen years of silence, then she can go fuck herself.

"Are you excited to go home?" I ask finally, desperate to think about something else. When I look up at him, the small glimmer of hope in his eyes reminds me that I haven't made my decision yet and I wish I hadn't asked that.

"Yeah," he agrees. "My flight is at three."

The way he looks at me when he says it, I know he means to tell me that for my benefit so I have the information that I need. All I do is nod, and he sighs, a small smile on his lips when he gently brushes his fingers through my hair to push it away from my face.

---

The next morning my chest feels heavy when I realize I'm alone. Not only am I freezing, but I already miss Harry within seconds of realizing that he's no longer next to me. Is that healthy? Probably not. My heart literally hurts when I'm not around him. I just miss him.

I do fine a note, though. It's the back of a receipt he probably found on my floor and his handwriting is a messy scribble, but it's adorable and it makes me smile anyway.

Sorry to leave. Had to go home to pack. Hopefully see you soon. x

I want to see him soon. But will it be so I can leave with him for two weeks, or will it be to say goodbye? There's still a decision to be made and it involves either hurting Liam's feelings or Harry's, and both of those options make my stomach feel sick. The difference is, I know one of them will also leave me with an ache in my chest and that's not something that I welcome openly.

My mind is whirling as I pack whatever belongings I brought with me here. Stuff is everywhere and there isn't much of it, so with nervous and shaking hands I lock up the place and head back to my house with the girls so I can get the rest of the things I'll need. I decide to wear leggings and Harry's sweater, since I'll be travelling a bit wherever I decide to go. It's a wonder I haven't figured out what I'm doing yet, but I haven't all the same. My head says one thing and my heart says another, which isn't something I'm used to. Usually my heart doesn't even get a voice.

When I roll my giant suitcase up to the door, backpack hanging off my shoulders, I feel stuck. Two people I really care about- not that I don't care about all five of them, I do- are behind that door and both of them are hoping I'll spend Christmas with them. I have no idea what to do. I emailed my Dad hoping he would give me some advice, but I never heard back from him. So it's just me and my stupid brain that won't shut up.

When I finally lift my hand to knock, the door flies open not two seconds later and it startles me. Niall laughs at my skittishness and takes my suitcase to pull it inside.

"What's up?" he asks. "Ready for vacation?"

"Sort of," I answer, smiling half-heartedly. Something goes whizzing past my face and Niall ducks his head back. When I turn to see what it was I see Harry standing with skinny jeans on but no shirt, a bandana around his head and a bag of marshmallows in his hand. He smiles at me and whips another one at Niall.

"I said time out!" Niall yells, jumping behind the couch. Harry laughs and runs towards me as Zayn runs in from the back room, pelting Harry in the back with balls of wet toilet paper.

"Don't hit Carmen!" he yells, standing behind me.

"Then don't hide behind me!"

"Hang on, don't move."

Liam runs down the stairs with something in his hands, I don't know what, and they all pause whatever they're doing probably on my account. I have no idea what they're doing, but I know it isn't packing. Suddenly Harry's face is beside mine, looking down at the sweater over my shoulder.

"Is this mine?" he asks quickly. Suddenly water splatters on me and he grunts, hiding again and peeling wet paper towel off his face.

"Okay, okay." I step to the middle of the room and laugh a little. "Whatever this little game is, it can be finished when you're all ready to go home which I can say pretty confidently that you are not."

"Yeah, let's pack," Harry says, running past me and grabbing my hand. He pulls me quickly up the stairs, past Liam while I laugh and try to keep up. When we're inside he shuts the door and falls back against me, breathing heavily and pinning me down under his back.

"You're squishing me," I inform him.

"I'm tired."

"Yeah well, that's not my problem."

He laughs and stands up again, then turns around to look at me. His bare torso pulls my eyes for a moment before I remember he's actually watching me, and it's really embarrassing if he can see me checking him out. My face turns red anyways and he smiles.

"Why are you all red?" he asks, stepping closer to me. I roll my eyes and push at his chest lightly, controlling my surprise at home firm his whole body seems to be. "Don't worry, I'd be blushing too if your shirt was off."

I shake my head at him, trying not to laugh. He pushes my body against the door with his and kisses me hard, so hard that it almost hurts. It steals my breath and weakens my knees and makes me feel like falling down and dying right here. When he pulls back I'm already breathing hard.

"What was that for?" I ask breathily. He smiles.

"Just because." He traces my bottom lip with his thumb, my heart thumping in my chest. "Because I'm going to miss you."

So he assumes I'm not coming. Right now, I never want to leave him and saying goodbye makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

"Harry, I-"

Someone suddenly pushes the door open and we both fall back, Harry putting his arms on my waist to keep me from falling over.

"What are you doing?" Louis asks.

"You could knock, Lou," Harry says, rolling his eyes.

"I heard Carmen was here, I wanted to say hello. And goodbye."

I catch sight of Harry's suitcase on his bed, open with clothes strewn all over the place, rolled into balls and tossed carelessly into piles and it makes me grind my teeth.

"Do you know how to pack?" I ask Harry. He laughs and looks at the bed with a shrug. "Harry, that's sad."

"Carmen, can I talk to you for a minute?" Louis asks. For some reason I look at Harry first, in confusion or for permission I'm not really sure, but he just smiles at me. So I follow Louis down to the hall to his room, which is a similar size to Harry's but with a bigger bed and lighter walls.

"What's up?" I ask, closing the door and sitting on his desk chair.

"Are you going home with him?" Louis asks. I'm caught off guard for a moment, unsure of what to say. "I don't want to pry or whatever, but I was just wondering. He told me he asked you but you never said yes."

"I didn't say no, either."

"Liam says you're going home with him."

"Yeah." I take a deep breath and finally unload my options on someone who can be somewhat impartial. "I already told Liam I'd go with him when Harry asked me, and I really wasn't expecting Harry to ask me so I had no idea what to say. Now I can't tell Liam no without hurting his feelings."

"But you want to go with Harry." Not a question, just a statement with no doubt behind it. Without realizing I find myself nodding my head in agreement, and it surprises me a little. "Just tell Liam."

"How? His mother is coming to get us right now, he's going to be so upset with me."

"No, he'll understand. He wants you to go with him, but he'll get it. You should go talk to him before Harry gets all mushy and tries to say goodbye to you. I can't even count the number of times he's said to me that he doesn't want to leave you for two weeks."

My cheeks turn red as I smile, and Louis stands from his bed, opening the door again. A friendship with Louis wasn't really something I anticipated, but he's been really good to me the last few months. It's really a shame that I didn't meet Liam's friends sooner. I wonder why he never tried to introduce me.

I skip past Harry's room to find Liam, his voice floating up from downstairs. I'm not sure how this conversation will go or what I'll even say to him, but I know what I want to do now and I know it's okay to want what I want.

"Liam?"

"I'm in the laundry room!" I walk towards his voice and find him pulling some clothes out of the dryer. "What's up?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay." He starts folding shirts and I play with the drawstrings of Harry's sweater, unsure of how to proceed. After a minute he looks up at me. "Carmen, what's on your mind?"

"Don't hate me," I say quietly. His brow furrows and he drops the clothes, walking over to me.

"I don't hate you," he says. "What's going on?"

"I umm..." I take a deep breath and look at his chest like a coward while I explain. "Harry invited me to go home with him for break. And I..."

"And you want to go," he finishes for me. I bite my lip and look back up at him, pleasantly surprised that he doesn't look angry. "You think I'd be mad about that?"

"I already told you I'd go with you, though."

"Carmen, he's your boyfriend. Obviously you'd want to spend Christmas with him."

"He's not my boyfriend."

He rolls his eyes and laughs a little. "You're so ridiculous. It's fine, Carms. Have fun, go see England. I'll be okay, I promise."

"You're not mad?"

He hugs me tight. "I'm not mad."

"Swear?"

"I swear."

"Okay."

He releases me and goes back to his clothes. "You better go make sure he's got a plane ticket for you."

When I go back up to Harry's room I'm smiling like an idiot and for once I'm actually excited about something. Scared as hell, but excited as well. Harry's door is still open, and he's still unclothed and unceremoniously tossing clothes into a his suitcase. It's surprising how much black fabric is in there.

"Do you realize how wrinkled your clothes are going to be when we get there?" I ask, taking everything out and piling it onto the bed. Suddenly Harry rips a shirt out of my hands and spins me to face him. "Woah, what?"

"Did you just say we?" he asks, grinning like a little boy. Did I?

"I don't remember, but I umm..." He keeps smiling, predicting my words and placing his hands on either side of my face. "I want to come. If the invitation is still standing."

He laughs and kisses me, his smile preventing him from doing much with his lips. My hands slide over his bare torso and rest on his waist when his forehead rests against mine. This boy knows me better than anyone and I've been more honest with him than I've been in my entire life. No one has understood me or stood by me so completely, and he has no idea how grateful I am for that. This is one way for me to show him.

"That's amazing," he breathes. He laughs again and shakes his head. "You know how to keep me on my toes."

"Did you really think I would want to be alone for two weeks?" I whisper.

"I don't know how I would have done it."

"We might be a little too attached."

He kisses me again. "Nah. I don't think that's possible."

Notes

yaaaaaaay shes goinnnggg :) probably predictable :P but the other things wasn't right?? did you expect her mom to exist??

aaaaanyway i hope you guys like it :) im excited for them to go to england :D should be interesting.

soooo questions.

what do you think will happen at harrys house?
is there anything in particular you want to have happen? because i love suggestions :) sometimes you guys suggest things that i dont think of and it really inspires me, even if i dont put in your exact suggestion

soooooo hope you guys like it :)

comment, vote, subscribe :)